Ask The Ghetto Shaman

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 21, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan

Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I’m getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it’s not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn’t have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

by Mick Zano • December 20, 2012

Why listen to the Grand Old Party at all? You might think we’re silencing some important voices, but as it turns out not so much. This isn’t about the 1st Amendment. They can keep talking, I just don’t think listening has proven horribly productive. Sure people listen to the psych patient during the Haldol injection, but shouldn’t we be focusing on the hold so no one gets hurt initiating the restraint?

Republican s haven’t really been right about anything since that television show Cheers was popular. Why, you ask? Anyone showing even the pre-limbic precursors of reason is immediately ejected from their tent. Norm!! …where everybody knows your lame. Sorry, miles away….Boston, actually.

I know I harp on this. I know I’m a broken record, but it’s a funny record…and thankfully most of it has been expunged. Let’s start with some good news. Arizona is actually balancing its budget better and faster than most states. Of course, they tanked more than most states, but here’s my concern with our alleged “progress”. It’s not the fact our Governor, Jan Brewer, seems clueless on a wide variety of topics, it’s that her long term plan is not a solution. It’s filled with expensive plot complications. Her cuts are reckless and ill-conceived, aka, she’ll remain in AZ politics for a long long time. Here’s some of the things I’ve seen, first hand. And I’m sure it’s just the tip of the Ice Queen. Say, how does an Ice Queen like Brewer survive in the heart of the Sonoran Desert? Oops, heart and Brewer/same sentence. Please edit.

This year in Maricopa County—the populous one that includes Phoenix—Governor Brewer denied matching Federal funds for homeless children. This is not a joke. Phoenix is where most of the homeless kids across the state wind up and now social worker types can’t do anything except direct them to the nearest people wafer factory. Soylent Green, it’s children! Hooray for savings.

You might say, child homelessness is decreasing so let’s save some money, but that is simply not the case. And next week, after I throw my daughter out onto the streets, those numbers are only going to get worse.

Talk about missing patterns, what do you think happens when you don’t support children living in a community shelter? Do they go away like magic? As it turns out, not so much. We know what they do: prostitute, spread STDs, steal, and sell drugs, or as I call them “weekends”. They end up in hospitals, rehabs, and foster homes which cost way more than the free fifty-seven dollars Brewer passed on. I work directly with the associated costs for housing children and one child can cost us gazillions of dollars down the road. Hey, I didn’t say I was any good at it.

In Northern Arizona it was Jan Brewer who helped defund my county to the point where a dangerous game started. Here’s how it’s played:

“So you want to kill yourself or a lot of other people? Well, we don’t have funds for that shit anymore so please don’t. Have a cookie!”

It’s better than last year, when we tried to appease them by handing out semi-automatic weapons. I think I told that one bald guy, “Giffords is in town. She’s the problem, go talk to her.” Yeah, I’m just doing the people’s work.

Meanwhile, Obama has rightly targeted access to mental illness as a big part of this problem. Republicans will retaliate, of course, by starting Arm the Criminally Insane Felons for Freedom (ACIFF). Don’t forget free bullet Fridays! That bunch is always on target.

Seriously, I know people who have died because of these cuts, but thankfully none of them have taken out a pre-school on their way out…yet. Hooray for savings! Brewer has since finalized her plan by passing the Please-Don’t-Kill-Anyone-Today, Just-Go-Have-A-Cookie Initiative. Baking for Columbine? Maybe one Oreo could have saved those kids in Connecticut, right Jan? I can’t wait until you’re taken to task for this shit, you crazy blankety blank, blank. I’m sorry, that last blank was uncalled for.

Fact alert: defunding certain things costs society much more in the long run. And Republicans are always ready to raise the old misery index in the name of fecal conservatism. Cutting cheap services for costly ones is just plain dumb. For other examples of dumb, just see any of their other Republican budget proposal.

We had another program gutted in my town that was designed to keep those highest-utilizers off the streets. We know what work for people who make a living traveling from detox to rehab to emergency room. I am not talking about the Ghetto Shaman this time; they have banned him from such places. But if you defund programs that are cheap and effective, everyone loses—both the people and the bean counters.

In AZ over the last few years Behavioral health has already been cut somewhere to the tune of 27% with more on the horizon. How about for every 10% you cut from critical services, we cut 1% from the Defense Department? Speaking of which, did you know that after every war in American history there has been a corresponding decrease in military funding? Sounds real obvious, right?…well, not this time. Obama’s Defense budget is about where Cheney’s would be. You see, Darth Cheney is a little liberal compared to the new brand of Democrat.

Those dips in the graph above occurred after each war, except the War on Reason, of course, which the GOP plans to win! No Neuron left behind?

Here’s another pattern missed. Did you know that right-to -work states are attractive to businesses? It’s also part of Arizona’s recovery plan. Umm, but what happens when we’re all right-to-work states? Haven’t thought that far yet, huh? I work in one of those. It’s not pleasant. What happens when the last union dies? The GOP thinks workers and admin will all be singing Kumbaya. Seriously, that’s what they think. They think our sociopathic CEOs will become more labor friendly when the playing field is leveled…er, for them. When you say the words Labor & Industry standards in Arizona, that phrase is immediately followed by one or more rifles cocking. This also works similarly when you say Obama, Rachel Maddow, or the keg kicked.

Here’s another missed pattern. Oh, and it kind of means we’re screwed as a planet. This chart is courtesy of The Dish.

So out of all the peer-reviewed studies on climate change EVER, it turns out only 24 of them don’t think it’s happening…er, out of a gazillion. Hey, can you guess which 24 studies were funded by the Koch Brothers and featured on Fox News? Thanks Fox News for staying consistently wrong on some many important topics. You were so worried about not raising taxes to fund your wars, you missed the whole raising sea levels thing.

And how about those ‘fiscal cliff’ negotiations? The GOP can never start any negotiations where they’re supposed to…but I already covered this here. The wrong remains the same, eh? Isn’t that a Zeppelin song?

Okay, so most of us have figured out we need more revenues as well as serious spending cuts, which is immediately translated by Republicans as “that could lead to bestiality!” I think Santorum said that during the fiscal negotiations of 2011. Why, why, why do we always have to drag them kicking and screaming into reality? Don’t we have other more important things to worry about, like Obama’s birth certificate? Republicans are like the Amish, only a little less worldly. Or how about this one:

The GOP: We’re so far right we’re out in left field? Okay, I’ll stop…er, when they do.

The fiscal negotiations suck. In a post years ago I said negotiations begin thusly: at what income level should tax rates go up? I said this ages ago! Okay, I just checked, 7/7/11. Here’s the quote:

“Hear ye, hear ye: the negotiating will be limited to this: for what income group will the Bush tax cuts expire? Will it be for those earning over $250,000 a year? over $500,000? over a $1M? Let the real negotiating begin!”

—Mick Zano

Yet they still can’t figure this shit out, even now?…even after a presidential election? This isn’t even my job! Have I mentioned I’m a spoof bloggerist? To everything turn, turn, turn. They have no reason, turn, turn, turn. If they had listened to yours truly, we could have focused on actually cutting something—except cheese. Meanwhile, Boehner, all bleary eyed, is just getting there now like some demented form of Rep. Van Winkle. Sorry about that one, it’s the sleep deprivation. I’m typing as fast as I can, Mr. Winslow, honest. The Crank still owes you a feature, so why don’t you yell at him?

Even when the Speaker offered hikes for those making over a million, there’s that pesky bat-shit base I keep harping about—which now can be translated roughly as your average Fox News viewer. Sorry, I think that’s news. Speaking of which, Grover Norquist needs to be deported. I don’t care where…what? I don’t care! Try getting a lead from that ancestry.com thing. Actually, Old Grover is bending logic again to concede to Boehner’s last offer. But it doesn’t matter. Why? Umm, it’s what I’ve been telling ya’s….welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day. That’s why I keep covering this shit. Norquist’s brand of bat-shit conservatism is sooo last week. There’s always going to be someone more severely conservative, more bat-shit, to take up the tax fee torch. Talk about whack-a-mole. Remember that bozo Brent Bozell? The one I did that mock interview with a couple of weeks back, here? Now he, along with many others, are condemning Norquist for being too liberal! They’re on an unstoppable trajectory toward my psych unit…and we don’t have nearly enough beds! Or, thanks to Jan Brewer, the funding. Just when you think they can’t possible get less insightful, a new manifestation, a new metamorphosis occurs that makes me think fondly back to the last news cycle. They’re like the butterfly that turns into the moth that crawls up Newt Gingrich’s ass. Hey, at least no one can blame me for plagiarism.

Make no mistake, they’re missing another pattern. It’s so sad that instead of facing the problems of this reality, the GOP has chosen to invent another one.

“This party is a threat to democratic discourse and to fiscal sanity. Their ideological mania knows no prudential restraint at all,” and, “Actually, the largest tax increase in American history was written into the tax cuts themselves, if they failed to produce enough revenue to finance the government. Which they didn’t. The reason we may go over the cliff is entirely because the GOP is more ideological than it is responsible”

—Andrew Sullivan

This might come as a surprise to some you, but I’m not a Senator. I do not attend, or, in John McCain’s case, blow-off intelligence briefings about issues I claim to care so much about. I derive my scant knowledge from the news, yet…take Benghazi for instance. No really take it. An independent panel discovered gross negligence on the part of the State Department responsible for securing that embassy. Um, I said day two, if there’s any scandal here it’s during the build up to the incident. I said that here, Mr. McCan’t. I have often said McCain is one their best and brightest and yet he’s bested again by comedian spoof blogger. Yes, liberal comedians are smarter than any of them. I’m not bragging, I’m f-ing frightened.

You know what the panel said about the Obama Administration’s handling of the incident’s aftermath? There was no wrong doing, period. So the GOP made Benghazi-gate out of the post Benghazi events, when they should have focused on events leading up to the incident. Besides, what are you complaining about? Liberals were finally trying to cut some spending. For this one, I have to admit I was cued in by the GOP. You can set your watch to this. They focus over there, which cues me to look elsewhere. Works every time. Hey, they might land me a Pulitzer yet! Another three weeks of Fox News turns out to be bullshit. Imagine that.

Republicans have a rigidity of thought not seen since The Rain Man marathon over on AMC. I guess you can’t see patterns when you’re seeing unicorns. I am sick and tired of those AM radioers lecturing me about freedom when they supported the Patriot Act. I am sick and tired of the same people who don’t pay for anything lecturing me about fiscal conservatism. And I am really sick and tired of those people who destroyed the slippery slope argument…oh, you didn’t know they ruined that too? There is no such thing as the slippery slope argument anymore. They broke it. Even I used the slippery slope argument back in the day, but now that’s a slippery slope. Homosexuality leads to bigamy leads to bestiality? Really? Providing a society with healthcare is a slippery slope to socialism and to alien colonization? Really? Banning semi-automatic weapons for the criminally insane leads to Charlton Heston rising from the grave and heralding the zombie apocalypse? Really?

Here’s the Zano four point solution:

1. End extreme gerrymandering, which is the only thing keeping the GOP in the House.

2. End the abuses of the filibuster as the need for a supermajority to do anything is not working horribly well, if you haven’t noticed (speaking of which, why haven’t Republicans noticed?).

3. Put the GOP out of its misery once and for all, because this wounded and dangerous animal is not going down without taking us with them.

I know that’s only three. The last one I wrote on a bar coaster and now I can’t find it. Crap. And it was the best one!

by Mick Zano • December 19, 2012

“Fire? Isn’t this the long count that ends with flooding?”

by Mick Zano • December 18, 2012

Elves are Ho Ho Homeless After Santa’s Reign of Terror

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their “fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!”

Santa told the press, “If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits.”

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, “I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right.”

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, “As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!”

He then ended the interview with a joke, “What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!”

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

by Mick Zano • December 15, 2012

Gun Used by Border Patrol Agent Government Issue

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. “He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy.”

Attorney General Eric Holder said, “I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news.”

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, “Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 14, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo

Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it’s not much of a commitment, so if you don’t follow them it’s no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it’s not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

by The Crank • December 13, 2012

Here are some of the dos and don’ts when driving around the Phoenix area:

1. First, learn to pronounce the city name properly; it’s FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced (Core-ss).

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

4. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot (first offense). Thankfully, recidivism is low.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. EVER.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around in the dead of night purely for entertainment purposes.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on people who mistakenly honked.

9. If someone actually has his/her turn signal on, wave him or her to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.’

10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, refer to rule #6 on honking.

by Mick Zano • December 12, 2012

“Mmmm, liquidation”

by Mick Zano • December 11, 2012

"Food Stamp Challenge" Mayor Resorts to Selling Drugs

Newark, NJ—Jersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. “This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies,” said Bolden. “Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!”

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. “That is utterly ridiculous,” said Booker. “I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week…hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything…for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop.”

by Mick Zano • December 10, 2012

Both D and R believe, rather strongly, that their counterparts are certifiably insane. So who’s right? Liberals are finally fighting for what they believe in, but their ideological drift in recent years has been relatively small. And, unfortunately, they still tend to elect presidents who govern slightly right. Meanwhile, the GOP will go down in history as moving so far right they’re now sending back pictures as they pass the Ort Cloud on the outer edge of our solar system.

I think if you say a certain group of people are crazy, you should at least have facts to back up these claims. I do…and I’m just a pseudo-spooferest. The right, especially on AM radio, is always saying, “Those crazy liberals think”…and, “How can they possibly believe…?” They then typically follow this inflammatory statement with some combination of revisionist history, lies or hyperbole. Although, historically that’s probably a false exaggeration (badum bum).

Is the Tea Party the biggest obstacle to our recovery? I don’t think the Tea Party destroyed America; they only assisted with our bond downgrade and then cock-blocked us from any meaningful reform. Actually, Bush destroyed America. Naah, I’m still being factious. We just need to do the exact opposite of whatever Sean Hannity says. Yeah, I’m STILL being factious, because he did make sense last week when he told Ann Coulter, “We must hold the Norquist line,”…umm, am I being facetious? Is there a stronger word for facetious, like Mega-F, or omni-facetious? Hannity was so batshit that Ann Coulter somehow morphed into the conservative voice of reason.

Unless I have an ample supply of Nexium, I can only stomach about 15 minutes of the fair & balanced channel, but this week I happened upon a really interesting exchange. The “highlight” of this waiting-for-the-commercial-to-end-on-another-channel was when Ann told Sean, “Umm, we lost the raising taxes on the rich thing, so let’s focus on the battles we can win.” She’s right. And to all the rest of you, who haven’t figured that out yet, seek medication. This means a huge chunk of Republicana remains to the right of Ann Coulter…let that sink in for a minute. There’s someone named Michael Moore on the left, but most Democrats aren’t left of him. See the difference?

Look, Obama ran on raising taxes for the rich, loud and clear. His tax hikes are not dissimilar to Simpson-Bowels, which the GOP covets without actually understanding. And please enjoy my next post Ann Coulter: Voice of Reason. Yikes. It’s like when a psych ward is overrun with zombies so you decide to follow the chick who just got her antipsychotic injection. It’s the lesser of two inmates.

So who’s crazier right or left? Well, one of my main premises has always been this: the GOP’s destructive impulses are measurable. They’re already in the history books; they were horrible and they were many: from Iraq, to our bond downgrade, to alternate street parking. Their decisions fundamentally impacted our collective future, our collective prosperity, as well as our Constitution. Meanwhile, the Right’s main beefs always draw a whaaah? out of me, like, hey, Obama’s using the Patriot Act effectively! WTF? Or, Obama listened to the advice of the intelligence community on the wording of a press briefing! The nerve of that guy. Yeah, that shit keeps me up at night all right…going waaaah?

The woes of the GOP are generally propaganda generated fears (PGF) and projections that have yet to manifest. Obama’s going to take our guns…er, despite the fact he has a better 2^nd Amendment record than your last candidate, or Obama’s going to break our economy, when it was already broken.

Over the years, I have further distanced myself from Republican “thought” and, yet, I have a much stronger grasp on what they’re supposed to be doing during these fiscal negotiations. They seem to have no idea. It’s like when you find a boy in the woods raised by monkeys, who would love to become Tarzan but is neurologically on par with George of the Jungle on ‘ludes.

Here’s what you’re supposed to be doing. Here’s what, if you were a remotely competent group of individuals, you would be doing. After all, you still have the House, for now. Well, no matter what happens in the mid-terms, remember, you’ll still have House reruns. Can you believe that last diagnosis?

The plans:

Comparing Debt as a % of GDP Under Various Bidget Proposals

Obama’s line is that top line. It’s where the negations are supposed to begin…on this planet. It’s nonsense, of course. Obama’s cuts are based on decreasing projected increases, which is a fancy way of saying slower increases, not cuts. Regardless, tax cuts for the rich are not on the table. You lost to America as well as to every credible economist. Better luck next proposal.

Hint: next time you nation-build in two countries, one of them entirely unnecessarily, let’s try to pay for that shit first, huh? And let’s end fecal conservatism once and for all.

If you make over $250,000, come January, life will still be swell. Of course, the GOP refers to these as taxing the job creators. After they say this, they must drop to their knees and face the Koch Brother obelisk to begin the ablutions. Meanwhile, these “job creators” were just fine under the same tax levels in the 90s…er, or any other time in history…er, or in any other country. Damn you facts!

Another key point of the Right’s “argument” is that taxing the rich will only run the government for four months, or for three months, or for 10 days, or for 11 minutes, because our government goes to 11! Umm, even Fox News has admitted it’s about 3.5 months, but by the time that point is translated by your average Foxeteer, you can subtract 90%.

Revenues to the tune of 3.5 months is close to the Zano proposal from way back when. I always favored some ratio close to the deficit commission or Simpson-Bowles. The bottom line, the Ryan plan, or the Tea Party plan, is clearly the worst strategy. If implemented, that plan would cause a double dip recession within about eleven minutes, because our solvency as a nation goes to 11! This is why voting for Romney was such a bad idea, besides the fact he couldn’t find China on the map with both aides. Every European country that went too austerity-heavy double dipped. It happened here too in the 30s and it happens every time someone decides to forgo reason in favor of some deranged version of Foxeterianism. Is there any other kind?

England, amidst their own austerity plan, believes such a lopsided approach has never worked:

“The IMF report argues that the best way to reduce borrowing, pay down debt and stabilize the economy is to boost low and middle incomes. This isn’t a new idea. In the US of the 1930s, Roosevelt’s New Deal raised incomes by putting millions of people back to work. But, as during the Great Depression, it’s a solution which is still reviled by the rich, the politicians they have bribed and the voters they have brainwashed.”

—The Guardian

Sound familiar?

Simpson Bowles is a little austerity-heavy and might have triggered a double dip, but Obama’s proposal is not in the right zone either. This is precisely why we needed healthy Republicans. They should be trying to get us to that sweet spot between Obama’s plan and that Simpson-Bowles line. Currently Obama can ignore the GOP, and will, because they are batshit and only they seem unaware of this fact. This is a bad thing. We need them to take off the dunce caps and sit down at the table, or any real cuts will remain imaginary. If Obama does not do something real to change the trajectory of our debt by 2016, his legacy will suffer and so will our country. Regardless, I don’t think he’s going to make those hard choices without some prompting, so if no one on the Right even knows where to begin the negotiations, umm, we’re kind of screwed.

Despite the election, the GOP remains a haven for radical ideologues. They need to purge the zealots among their ranks and they need to do it now. Movement toward sanity is happening, but waaay to slowly. Hint: climate change is happening more quickly than GOP growth. I know, I know GOP growth is a hoax. I call people who think they’re reforming Growthers.

Face it, having a few more people come out of the Republican closet is not going to cut it. In fact, it won’t cut anything, as we will see soon enough.

Obama started the negotiations right where he was supposed to and, as usual, the GOP is….well…um…er…they’re so far out there…but, hey, that’s a lovely picture of the Voyager satellite, Mr. Boehner. While you’re out there can you take out that map that shows aliens how to find Earth so they come here to harvest our planet for brains, blood, and other body parts? That would be great.

Yeah, I know, but the rest of us have brains, Mr. Speaker, and we’d like to keep them.

by Mick Zano • December 9, 2012

Waking from a coma isn’t easy…

by Mick Zano • December 8, 2012

Jersey River Safer After Vinyl Chloride Train Wreck?

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, “I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls.”

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, “Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters.”

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

by The Ghetto Shaman • December 7, 2012

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don’t pay you much. You don’t seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny

Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here’s the thing, I don’t get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • December 7, 2012

INCONCEIVABLE!!

by Alex Bone • December 6, 2012

Discord Resorts to Black Magic to Increase Ratings

In an attempt to compete with media giants like The Onion, Fox News, and Quilting Monthly, The Daily Discord disclosed they will be turning to black magic to increase their ratings. The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, told the press, “I only resort to satanic rituals when absolutely necessary…you know, to maintain power, or if my stocks are tanking, or if some ass face unfriended me on Facebook.”

When I caught up with Mr. Winslow back at his office, I asked him why he would take such a chance with his very soul and he said, “Oh, I don’t have one of those. Besides, we need more traffic so I can get more cash. I’ve been having some trouble funding my seventh home which is being built on a private island off the coast of Bermuda and two of my Swedish mistresses are asking for boob jobs, so I figured we needed to up the stakes a little here.”

“Off the coast of…?” I decided to change tactics, “So what made you think of black magic?”

“You did. I always see you lighting black candles in the basement when I’m getting my third bottle of wine right before lunch, so I figured what the hell, let’s try to get some help from Hell. Now get out of my office! And I want that article by Friday Bone or you’re finished!”

I left Discord Central and found The Ghetto Shaman out back, rummaging through the trash for cans to recycle for beer money.

The Shaman chimed in, “I don’t think Winslow’s idea is that bad. It’s not like if he were possessed he could be any meaner. Besides, maybe we’ll get some hot succubus action out of this deal.”

When I asked if the site’s hits had improved, he only threw up on my shoes and asked to excuse himself.

I caught up with myself and I had this to say, “I’ve been a follower of the great dark God Tezcatlipoca for quite some time now and he assures me that as soon as the End of Days arrives all other news stations will be leveled and the Discord will control news throughout the globe. When I asked him if he could increase our views before that, he cursed Yig and disappeared into a cloud of inky smoke.”

Winslow had already left for his quarterly three month vacation and I still didn’t know whether our ratings had actually increased through all of these diabolical efforts. Then I found the Crank trying to break into Winslow’s office with a chainsaw, I asked him if he had heard any updates on how our ratings faired.

“The only people who read this shit are liberal dweebs in some dreary Seattle coffee shop,” he said.

“Umm, what are you doing anyway?”

“I’m just doing some redecorating while Winslow’s gone. And if you see Zano, tell him he’s next!”

Feeling more frustrated than ever, I was about to go drown my sorrows in the wine cellar, because Tezcatlipoca had promised to leave the door open for me, when I saw the Discord’s newest writer, T-Ballz, wandering the halls. “Hey Ballz, what are you doing?”

“Looking for a place to piss. Doesn’t this place have any bathrooms?”

“No, Winslow said that they were a waste of money, besides when the Discord tower was being built he said all of his assets were tied up constructing a second rollercoaster for his children’s private amusement park. So we usually just piss out the windows.”

“That works,” said Ballz. “Hey, let’s smoke a J and then use the Xerox to make copies of our—”

“Okay, but have you heard if our ratings went up after my dark efforts and Winslow’s deal with the devil?”

Ballz smiled, “Well, my friend, Vealatarian, who’s under house arrest, said he reads the Discord all the time…but I made it is home page and he doesn’t know enough about computers to change it.”

So there you have it, our spells have obviously begun to work and soon the whole world will bow to our evil sarcasm!

“Hey, don’t Bogart that thing, Ballz. And why does it smell like urine?”

by Pierce Winslow • December 5, 2012

The Twinkie Mother Ship Returns…Angry

by Mick Zano • December 4, 2012

Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, “We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood.”

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. “We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains.”

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, “We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla.”

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, “Sometimes, yes, other times not so much.”

by Tony Ballz • December 3, 2012

Well, finally this election bullshit is over. You people give me a goddamn headache. As if it remotely matters which puppet we elect. Remember: Whoever you vote for, a politician wins. Pleasant dreams.

“‘I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs!’ ‘I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking!’ Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding up both puppets … ‘Shut up! Go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection, watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way … keep drinking beer, you fucking morons!'”

—Bill Hicks

If Barack Obama were white, the Tea Party would not exist.

Can someone out there admit that “conservative” just means “polite racist”? Hmm? If it doesn’t, then how come the majority of them are rich white assholes? And the remainder are poor dumb uneducated yokels, superstitious and easily led and coincidentally also white?

Just once I want to hear a conservative say: “You know what? I don’t like Mexicans. Just don’t like ’em. Don’t like the way they talk, smell or walk. Don’t like the food they eat, the music they listen to or the clothes they wear. Don’t want ’em in my neighborhood or going to school with my kids. Black people neither.”

Wouldn’t that be refreshing? It’s what they’re thinking anyway, so couldn’t they just be honest? “Immigration is an economic issue!” Horse puckey. Just say it: “Even though our ancestors killed their ancestors and stole their land, I still don’t like ’em and I don’t want one of ’em screwing my daughter!” There, don’t you feel better?

And before you Republicans get your money clips in a ruffle, let’s not forget about Democrats: the most ineffectual, wishy-washy, limp-dicked nimrods in America. Hey, you guys know why conservatives end up in control most of the time? Because they make a decision and then put up a unified front to support it. Even if what they are supporting is completely misguided and wrong. Which, in the case of Republicans, it usually is. Learn.

Anyone who gets excited about a politician is an idiot, unless he/she is going to give you a blowjob or a million bucks or both. These people do not have your best interests at heart, unless you’re sitting on an ass-ton of money. If you are not, THEY HATE YOU. Even if you voted for them. Then they’re laughing at you, too.

America is the only developed country on Earth that deifies politicians as we do. Europeans are fully aware that their elected officials are pusbags, and they treat them as such, lower than janitors. You know what the French used to do? If they didn’t like what their rulers were up to, they chopped their fucking heads off. That wasn’t very long ago, either. It gives their modern politicians a little perspective.

Here in the U.S., both sides are so extreme: “Obama is our SAVIOR! He’s going to make EVERYTHING all right again! We will live in peace and harmony with all our brothers, even the rich white assholes! Free money! Free dope! …I think I just came!”

Versus: “Obama’s not just a politician … He’s the Antichrist! Aaagh! Armageddon! 12-12-12! Where’s my Bible? I think I just saw a locust! We’re sorry, Jesus! Buddha! Allah! Krishna! Yahweh! Whatever God gay people and Mexicans pray to! Eeaagggh! Spiderman, HELP US!”

Can y’all just calm down, please?

I would hope that if the antichrist shows up, he would be a creature worthy of my fear and respect. Like I would take one look at him and scream HOLY FUCK! and shit my pants on the spot and collapse in a quivering heap pleading for my eternal soul. Strangely enough, Barack Obama doesn’t inspire that in me. He’s just kind of a lame ineffectual doofus. Seriously, if he’s the antichrist, this apocalypse thing is going to be a breeze. We may not even have to put our shoes on.

Then there’s this happy horseshit: “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain!”

Nope, it’s the other way around. I’m with George Carlin on this one: If you vote, you have no right to complain about the government because YOU put these people in power. If you don’t vote, you have EVERY right to complain. Makes sense, no? As if your vote actually counts. That would mean we live in a democracy. AH-HAHAHAHAHA! We don’t.

Or this: “It’s the only system we have! We MUST support it!”

Suck my left one. It’s a deeply corrupt system that does not work, and your participation pretty much guarantees it will stay that way forever. We’re supposed to have the power to change these things if we don’t like them, right?

“Obama’s a Muslim!”

OK, let me get this straight: On September 11, 2001, Muslim terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center, killing thousands of innocent lives … and then a scant seven years later, the American public elects a Muslim as president? (Buzzer sound.)

I’m sorry, WRONG ANSWER! Dumbasses.

Politicians like things in black and white so they can tell who the enemy is and the location of the home team. This is important: they want you to choose a side. Don’t do it. Yes/No. Black/White. Liberal/Conservative. You’re for George Bush/You hate America. As if every question has only two answers: affirmative or negative. They need us polarized so we can fight over meaningless details and kill each other so they don’t have to. Come on, just play along!

If anyone out there is mad that Obama is in office, you have one man to blame: George W. Bush. In 2008, the Republican party ran their best guy for president: John McCain, a conservative who makes liberals all gooey inside, the only Republican presidential candidate since Eisenhower without that little whiff of Satan about him, a man who said “Fuck you” to a fellow Republican senator ON THE SENATE FLOOR WHILE IN SESSION, a prisoner of war who was tortured for seven years and never opened his mouth, that rarest of specimens: a politician with integrity, someone who ordinarily would have swept any election…

Except the one he was in. The American public looked at their two choices in 2008 and said, “Yeah, sorry John. You’re probably the most honest politician we’ll ever see in our lifetime, but ol’ Dubya was such a piece of shit for the last eight years that we have to go with the black guy whose middle name is hussein and whose last name is one letter away from Osama, our two worst enemies. Better luck next time, bub. If you’re still alive.”

I can picture the big cheese Republicans begging McCain to run, appealing to his patriotism: “Please John, please John, please John, please please please PLEASE, JOHN! WE CAN’T LET THE NIGGER WIN! PLEEEEEEEEASE!”

Fuck Obama. Fuck Dubya. Fuck Clinton. Fuck Bush. Fuck Reagan. Fuck Carter. Fuck Ford. Fuck Nixon. Fuck ’em all. You voted for these shitheads, not me. Has your life gotten measurably better under any of them?

If you happen to be a rich white asshole, please ignore that last question.