Ask the Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you a neat freak or a slob? I’m only asking because this book I’m reading suggests cleaning up your external world before you start addressing the internal. Does that make sense?

Carol

Dear Carol,

I’m OCD, but only in a mystical way. The snake gods are all lined up in size order and the jaguars’ claws are all neatly trimmed. And when I’m on shrooms my mystical mansion would put Martha Stewart to shame. But, as for this plane of existence, my room looks like it was dropped from a low flying plane onto a Frat house.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. After a chug & puke contest.
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Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred

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Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, “Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?” The answer is sure…just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Mr. Barnes is calling this “new normal” an “excuse” and the list of GOP complaints, as usual, involves unemployment rates, increases in food stamps, etc. and so what. I’m still amazed Obama avoided a double-dip recession. Aren’t you…and, if not, why? By now we should all be driving around the wasteland in rogue caravans searching for petrol. Wasn’t that the last GOP nomination’s platform? The GOP: Beyond Thunderdumb? I loved that movie…and the nomination.

Did you know the U.S. is recovering faster from the Great Recession than any other industrialized country? No? Who needs the truth when this false narrative is so much fun, right? Economists still predict it will take a decade or more to recover from your last president, and I still predict we won’t ever fully recover. Hell, it’s worse than the aftermath of the Christmas party tequila incident (CPTI). Our situation is also complicated by a struggling global economy, a lack of professional hockey games, and a looming zombie apocalypse. The fact y‘all think you’re going to fix this through a combination of stupidity and a lack of any economic prowess is interesting. Our current gradual recovery is—and always has been—our best case scenario…well, by all rational accounts. This would be the case whether we had a smart guy in office, or one of your ilk, Fred.

Would a near immediate collapse under Romney have shut you up? Naaah. The Bubble is impervious to reality. That’s why I simply address their extreme cognitive dysfunction (ECD), so centuries from now when virtual alien archeologists find my blog, they’ll know we had important spoof news on this doomed planet.

Fred is also against the Chuck Hagel nomination for Secretary of Defense, which is another good reason to give Chuck the nod. Hagel is another adult decision and adult decisions have no place in today’s politics. If he gets the nomination, he will rock. He’s like one of ten respectable Republicans left (last of the Chuckhicans?). You really should nurture those, they’re like the Javan rhino, nearly …oh wait, I’m being told the rhino’s extinct. Never mind. Smart elephants are next.

The name of the Barnes article in question is The Four-Year Honeymoon. Sorry, but Obama deserves much, much longer. Do you understand the historical context of his arrival? I always wondered why Fred Barnes seemed so impervious to bad press. His partner in crime, William Krystol, is known for getting things wrong, yet his views are almost indistinguishable from any other Foxeteer (Barnes included). I should have went with Barnes & Ignoble. Damn, is it too late? I wish I could learn Microsoft Word. It’s on my bucket list. And some day, Mr. Winslow, I won’t be sending my submissions to you on badly stained bar coasters either. Some day.

Anyway, so folks like William Krystol and Dick Morris are simply scapegoats for a wider problem, namely your political views. In other words, if those two are always wrong and Republican ideology is built on their bullshit, then let’s do the…oh wait, they don’t believe in math. Is this part of Bush’s No Lemming Left Behind program?

“No, trust me, trust me. That lemming bringing up the rear, he’s legit, honest.”

Here’s more Fred,

“To my recollection, Obama is the first president to instill coverage anxiety, conscious or unconscious.”

Stop trying to recollect. None of you are any good at it. Obama does instill a certain respect, but most of this phenomenon relates directly to his addle-minded predecessor. Obama does appear almost God-like, next to a bumbling war criminal. Who wouldn’t? Oh right…any recent Republican candidate. Sorry. Did you know they tape those primaries? That’s not going to help your shelf life, peeps.

Then Fred—out of the total blue—makes a rare point. Right in the middle of the article! Where you would least expect it.

Basically he whined how when Bushie Jr. broke the Constitution he was slammed with criticism, yet Obama can expand drone strikes and warrantless wiretapping without so much as a peep from the press…er, of course I already made this point on The Daily Discord as far back as 2008. I found this quote from a related post.

“He (Obama) is using Bush’s expansion of executive power effectively. I wish last week he’d rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act, but I knew he wouldn’t…no one likely ever will. This was predictable, er….which is why I predicted it back in 2008.”

—Mick Zano

Who didn’t see this coming? Oh yeah…anyone of you. But I’ll tell you what, Fred, as soon as one of your idiots wields such power, I will spend more time covering it. I recently started an entire post on this subject but it remains unfinished. Why? I’ve written at least ten other articles on the train wreck that is the GOP. There’s always something Fox News is doing to trump any real discourse. This has been one of my chief complaints.

The crux of this partial post was this: I support the drone program, but the process for the death list needs to be more open and subject to checks and balances. But Fred, where was your outrage when our Constitution was actually being gutted? Besides, this is a real valid complaint so it has no place in a Weekly Standard article. You want news? Turn to The Daily Discord. This e-rag was never intended to be a news outlet, but it sure beats the best the GOP has to offer.

People have fewer complaints now, right or wrong, because Obama’s handling this expansion of executive power competently. When W. repeatedly sent all those drones into that orphanage, it was terrible. To be clear, Obama is dead wrong to expand warrantless wire tapping and widen the use of a drone program without accountability. And the liberal media should be covering this. You are correct, Fred, but it’s suspicious that you’re only now identifying these as problems. Maybe you’re not ignorant, you’re just evil. It’s kind of one or the other on that side of the aisle. The rest are in hiding.

The GOP keeps sucking in all the journalistic energy like a singulhannity. Hawking discovered this cosmic event using NASA’s rover Animosity. It stopped sending any data back almost immediately aside from a robotic Bronx cheer. Money well spent.

As for Obama’s mistakes, Fred claims, “The list is long.” Really? Actually, you need a Republican president to generate a long list of scandals. Obama’s list of conspiracies is Short & Spurious. Most of it will not make the history books, except to say, “Guess what these people thought?” (hint: that will be a long section).

Back to Fred’s “logic”:

“Both the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal and the Benghazi killings would have led to months of stories, investigative reports, and outraged commentary. But the media proved to be largely incurious in Obama’s case.” [Incurious George joke omitted by the editors].”

Ummm, no, no they wouldn’t have. If you recollect, Fred, we were on a “Bush scandal of the week” pace.

“Cheney’s downloading Google, in its entirety!”

“Wait! Forget that shit, Bush is kicking Red Cross out of Guantanamo!”

“Wait!”

We didn’t have months? We didn’t have flipping hours on a good week. If we really could have spent months on a Bush scandal that would have been glorious…the inglorious bastard.

Besides, we heard about the Obama “scandals” for years, not months. It’s on something called Fox News and, with all the time they had to cover it, I still don’t know what the F&^K they are talking about! Fast and Furious is a scandal, albeit a mini-scandal, as the program was started under Bush. Look, as Obama stepped into the sheer stratosphere high pile of shit Bush left him, I garun-flipping-tee you, this was not even on his radar.

“Uhh, let’s not worry about the two wars and the global economic collapse, tell me again about this Bush gun running program.”

Yeah, right. You know what happened six months into the Bush Administration? 9-FUCKING-11, that’s what!! (hint: more than one person died). But the gun killed him, really, not the person. That person, smuggling Twinkies, would have otherwise lobbed drug paraphernalia and empty beer bottles at that border agent. That’s the cartels weapon of choice. (Semi-automatic whippets?)

Can you get less insightful from here? Is that even possible? Sure, it’s entertaining, but it’s getting kind of scary. Benghazi could impact Hillary’s 2016 run, and it’s not something she’s likely to put on her resume, but otherwise, give me a break. Here’s the foreign policy score card:

Successes:

Obama: killed bin Laden, decimated Al-Qaeda, ended War in Iraq

Bush: None

Failures:

Obama: Embassy overrun in Benghazi, not closing Guantanamo

Bush: 9/11, Iraq War, Afghan War, which culminated in a tanked economy, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, torture, indefinitely suspending Habeas Corpus for American citizens (the other 17 pages omitted for space’s sake).

I’m not trying to make light of the embassy situation, but would you people learn something called perspective? Three deaths vs. tens of thousands? Jesus, there’s nowhere to go but down from here, is there? Oh shit…I said it. I threw it out into the ether and now….dah, dah, duuuum. Enter the next news cycle.

Then Mr. Barnes makes another hackneyed Sandy/Katrina comparison. Umm, Chris Christie’s ire was primarily directed at our Republican Congress. His discussion of GOP’s “toxic internal politics” here. The GOP is the most culpable in this matter. Forgot that part, huh? (Hint: if something goes wrong, look to the GOP. It’s a much safer bet, historically speaking. Well, no, there was that one thing…no wait. That was them too). And, yes, your team lost Hagel and you lost Christy. You are down to David Frum and parts of Charles Krauthammer. What? The parts he still has. Good luck with that.

And some day, Mr. Barnes, if you eat your Wheaties and you read a little more Zano, you too may have something called insight, groovy stuff. I should warn you, though, showing any insight means you will be immediately ejected from your tent.

Here’s Fred’s last “point”:

“What if Bush had claimed in speech after speech that Democrats who opposed his policies were putting ‘party before country’? The media response to an insinuation that Democrats were unpatriotic would have been along the lines of, ‘How dare the president make such a dastardly claim!’ But repeated mentions of ‘party before country’ by Obama have been treated as perfectly acceptable.”

Please listen again to The News Room’s comparison of the Tea Party to the Taliban. The history books are going to parrot Obama on this premise 100%. History will nail you people to the proverbial cross…er, except it was removed by the American Atheists of America. Damn you, joke stealing non-believers! This could trigger the War on Groaners.

The GOP and the Tea Party are not interested in America, they are interested in themselves. The damage they’re doing to our ongoing recovery efforts—despite their significant role in our demise—is staggering. Luckily, President Obama continues to guide us around the shoals and pointy rocks. If he can pull this shit off without a depression it will be nothing short of a miracle (hint: try helping instead of hindering). The cash you save may be your own.

“You’ll find out when you reach the top, you’re on the bottom”

—Bob Dylan
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Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

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Did Rock, Paper, Scissors Save Us From the Fiscal Cliff?

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the “Full Palin” as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, “I think Fisties would be best.”

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, “How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?”

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, “The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis.”

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, “Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing.”

Boehner replied, “I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo,” which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, “Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House…except cookie catcher. I love that shit!”

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could “get a hole in one”. After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, “The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved.”

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.
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Catitude: The Cat’s Domestication of Mankind

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The Crank

I have cats, two. One is a fat old, crotchety female. The other, male, is a one-year-old walking bag of shedding-fur. I like cats, for one main reason: Steven Hawking couldn’t find the infinitesimal shit they give about anything. I love that. If I wanted some smelly drooly stupid animal to act as if it were a new appendage, I would get a dog. Dogs are for people who need that unconditional love. It’s like living with a two year old for twenty years. No thanx. Bad enough I have to deal with Zano visiting now and again.

Leave cats a box of sand, a bowl of water, a bowl of food, and they couldn’t care less where you are. You go away for three days and you come back and they still insist on an appointment to see them. Upon returning from vacation, my wife goes straight to the female’s favorite room when we get home. Then some time later she will emerge and announce, “The cat will see you now.” The old adage is true: dogs have masters, cats have staff.

These are my fourth and fifth cats, respectively. The only problem I see with cats is their friggin’ tiny lifespan. It’s getting harder to let them go. But for every one that passes, another one needs rescuing—to live a fat-assed Crank-lifestyle. My cats live good, too good. Many times I could swear I heard the theme from The Godfather when I would approach the female. She would be sitting there, looking like a large black furry turkey on Thanksgiving, always sarcastically purring, “Why come to me? What have I done to deserve such generosity?”

Many years ago we had a vet who espoused the use of a specific brand of food, which we adhered to religiously. We found out too late, how the cats expand on this stuff. It was like industrial strength Miracle-Gro-Nip. My other cats got so big, passing Bobcats were like, WTF? We keep them inside now. The bobcats, that is, they’re too scared of our cats in the yard. I had a salesman in the house once and my last cat, DJ, jumped up on the counter next to him. I thought he was gonna shit his pants. He asked what it was. I said, “just my cat.” He said it was a beast, unlike any cat he had ever seen. My cats also have a filtered flowing fresh water system, courtesy of my wife. Only the best for my fat-assed little friends.

Finding A Friend:

The way you meet your furbag may differ, but all of mine have been rescues. Some from the local pound and others find you. Many years ago, my son, then about nine, found a box of kittens in the woods. He came home with them and dumped them on the lounge I was on at the time. Four of them cried and sat, but one snuck his way up my leg, inserting micro-mini claws into my flesh along the way, finally circling himself on my shoulder and went to sleep. “Oh well,” I said, “I guess this one’s mine.” That was Bullitt. Little did I know that as he grew, and GREW, he would attempt to reunite with his favorite spot every evening. The problem being, now I had a three-foot long, fifteen pound cat on my chest. He made watching TV almost impossible. My wife’s longtime friend, Night, came to her from the pound, DJ from a litter of kittens from a relative, and our latest cat-ditions, Beeoch and Cannolli, also came from the pound.

BEEOCH:

The female is named something we never call her, some French name, Minette. My wife will use it occasionally. The cat ignores it. I call her Beeoch.. She will actually answer to this. She especially likes it when I belch her name…the cat, not my wife. My wife hates it when I belch, Beeoch. Sorry, but it’s like the perfect word to belch. Try it now. You will never belch another word again. Warm soda will help with this procedure.

The thing about Beeoch, she may be old but she remains incredibly powerful. She is Polydactyl, having like 14 front claws, some of which have no ‘fingers’ to retract into. So they are out at all times, making her sound like she’s wearing heels on tile. Just try to trim her nails. She will actually take the pose of a mini rhinoceros, head down, front legs bowed, snorting, while trying to knock your head off your neck. She makes frightening noises too. She is not above peeing on you if she is mad enough, so large towels are in order at trim time. Like Civil War surgeons, who got very quick at no anesthesia amputations, you get rather fast at nail trimming…especially, when it’s like trying to trim Linda Blair’s nails during the Exorcist.

She is also frightening when her ‘friend’ comes to see her. A neighborhood feline stops by nightly to piss her off by spraying the rock outside the back door while she is looking right at her. The sounds the Beeoch makes are absolutely otherworldly. I want to let her out just once, so I can see the other cat’s face, as she noticed Beeoch an inch from her face in full mini-rhino form. After the visitor shits her brains out, she would likely try running as Beeoch kicks her ass. My wife won’t let me, but agrees it would be fun. One day, perhaps…..I think my wife has that conference coming up. Hmmm.

When she wants me to pet her, she will come up to the arm on my chair, and alternately stare at me and the remote on my lap, until I move it out of her way. Even then, I only get her ass. She faces away so I can scratch her back. True Catitude.

CANNOLI:

The other cat is named after the popular Italian pastry. Why, you may ask? Well, the first time I picked him up at the shelter, he turned upside down in my hands and looked just like a cannoli, albeit a furry one. His coloring is toasty in the middle with white ends. He is long-haired, and almost too cute to be a male. I had just lost DJ and needed a new furball-hocking fur-shedding friend. Besides, he was gonna get wacked, so he came home with us. I thought it was cute the way he would come to me and lick my hand when I went to pet him. He would jump on the chair behind my wife and start to lick her hair. “Oh, isn’t that cute.” As time went by we realized he had a ‘licking’ thing. Totally uncontrollable. My wife won’t let him near her unless he stops it. I thought it was no big thing until one night, as I sat on my chair shirtless, he jumped up and started licking my chest hair. I grabbed his little face in my hands, gently closing his mouth, and said, “Do you need therapy?” His answer was to force his little tongue out from between his clenched teeth, extend it WAY over to the side, and lick my hand.

Eventually he moved onto other obsessive-compulsive cat-type behavior (OCCTB—there, I beat you to it, Mik). Like sharpening his claws on everything EXCEPT the expensive deluxe rope-covered carpeted base scratching post I bought. Luckily, he is terminally cute. He’s like the male model that can’t go by a window without looking at his reflection. So he’s really a Narcissistic, OCD Italian-pastry looking cat. Okay, I could use a little help with that acronym, Mick. I’d have to take an extra ADHD med to figure that one out.

USES:

Some cats make great pest control. As we have no rodent issues, little Cannoli has taken to making it his life’s work to rid my abode of all forms of tiny livestock. Mainly crickets. We had an issue last year where they were coming in to cool off when the ambient summer temperatures reached “melt” levels. They came from under the stove, which was also a great 50s sci-fi movie. After lights out, it was Cat Rodeo time. He would sit at the entrance to the kitchen in the dark and spring into action when he saw one. Crunch-belch-next. We no longer seem to have a problem with crickets. He also doesn’t seem to eat a lot of kibble that time of year. I would awake and walk in to see him on the kitchen floor, upside down, spread eagle, fast asleep, tongue hanging out—just like me thanksgiving evening.

Cats have another use in the desert. They seem to be immune to scorpions. Beeoch found one to play with one evening. As I watched her on a corner in the dark, I was concerned because, well, the fact is that Beeoch just doesn’t play. She sits eats, shits, pees, and sleeps, so this was aberrant behavior. So, as I got up and turned on the light, she came sauntering over to me holding up a front paw. At the end of one of her polydactyl claws she had centrally-impaled a small scorpion. She gave me the please-remove-this-fucking-thing, post-haste, as-I-am-no-longer-amused look.

FOOD:

Give a cat what it wants to eat. Try a few things. You’ll know which one it prefers. Namely, the one it doesn’t puke up on the carpet. When it’s all gone in a few seconds, that’s the one. The cool thing with cats is this: give a dog some cheap-assed dog food one evening. The dog will eat it, thinking, wow, what did I do wrong this time? It will look at you as it eats the food, the whole time feeling like it fucked up, big-time. Put cheap assed cat food in your cats dish one night and this is what you will see. The cat will walk over to the dish, look down, then look back up at you with a what-the-FUCK-is-this-shit-supposed-to-be? look. A look like you would get from a fat-assed boss sitting at his big desk while looking over your last report with his half-glasses hanging near the end of his nose. Yeah, that look. Total disdain. The cat will then go in front of it and flick her back paws as if she is trying to bury it, like she would do with any turd. You will feel totally beaten, as you should. Some cats eat table scraps, but I do not recommend it. Not only because it may not be the healthiest thing for them, but, if they don’t like the food, they just may let you know. Night did this one evening when he sniffed the scraps, then unceremoniously started to try to bury it. I laughed…er, until I saw the look on my wife’s face.

COMMUNICATION:

Cats do communicate with each other on a whole different level than humans. They seem to do it without making a sound. I have watched this phenomenon many times. My last cat DJ, as a youngster, loved to play hockey with milk bottle tops. When he couldn’t find any about, he knew where they were, in the recycle bin in the pantry cabinet. He also knew he never mastered the “open the cabinet door” thing. BUT, he also knew who had, my wife’s long time friend Night. Night, then pretty old, spent most of his life snoozing on our bed and avoiding me like the plague. There was just something about me that seemed to piss him off.

DJ would go to the cabinet door and see it was closed. He would then go down the hall, to the master bedroom. Once there, he would jump up on the bed and wake Night with a nudge. Without saying a word, he and Night would jump off the bed and go to the kitchen. DJ would sit and watch as Night shifted upside down under the edge of the door and with a flick of his paw, presto! Open! I would then see cat-ass as DJ dug for his treasure. Night, his work now done, would saunter back to bed. Next would be cat face with bottle top attached and then finally a hall hockey game would break out. If I threw one down the hall, DJ would actually fetch it and return it to the side of the couch where I was reclined. Weird dog-like behavior for a cat, but amusing.

UPKEEP:

Buy a Schticky. Buy a good comb/brush, and use it at least weekly. Get a big fucking litter box. Do not ever run out of litter. Ever. This goes for hairball formula and food, too. If you have ever heard one cough up a ball, it sounds like an old man who has been smoking Camels for 50 years, working up his morning lugee. Oh, and it’s called FUR-niture for a reason, don’t fight it, Schticky it. No cheap vacuums either. Cat hair eats vacuums as snacks.

Cats have improved the quality of life for me. I wouldn’t change any of it. I am convinced they help lower my blood pressure. When they seek you out, and fall asleep in your arms, it’s because they genuinely like you and trust you. It’s not because they ‘need’ you. They have their own little personalities. DJ would greet me every day by jumping up on the kitchen breakfast bar when I got home so he could greet me at my height, and would touch his forehead to mine, as equals. You do move on, but you never ever forget. If what they say about the Rainbow Bridge is true, my time there will be quite crowded.

Crank

Remembering Night, Bullitt, and DJ, and enjoying Beeoch and Cannoli
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Starbuck’s Rosetta Stone

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Starbuck's Rosetta Stone

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord, in conjunction with Ronco Linguistics, has created a 24-CD set that will leave you King of the Starbuck’s line. Do you want to order an extra pump caramel macchiato frappe latte? If you took our course, you’d know just how stupid that makes you sound! But don’t take our word for it. No, really…you shouldn’t. Here are some real live testimonies we totally made up:

“Within the first week I knew that venti meant large, which is stupid, but it really helps when you’re ordering on a line that’s out the flippin’ door.”

And, “Don’t you hate the way the baristas correct you? Well, never again! You know, when you try to order a ‘medium’ and they say, oh, you mean our…umm, sorry, what’s a medium called again? I forgot.”

Not convinced? Well, here’s what happened to The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman after taking our course. “Ah, dude, we said you can’t come in here. My manager told me to call the cops if you don’t leave.”

Still not convinced? How about meeting someone who passed our advanced course?

“I walked up and ordered a triple grande, three-pump peppermint, salted, caramel mocha”!# and the Discord editors had no f^*&ing idea how to even grammar check that shit! I think someone even had a breakdown. But my barista understood.”

And, “For the first time in my life I knew the power of being a yuppie-wannabe. I could finally take control over my ten dollar per coffee purchases (PCP) and so can you.”

Shame on the Starbucks line can be long-lasting. It can even lead to something called Post Traumatic Starbuck’s Disorder (PTSD), which leaves many afraid to even approach a Starbuck’s counter. Don’t be left out in the dark roast. Order your CD set today and we will double your offer! Yes, all…what’s 24 times two? CDs shipped directly to your house for the low low price of $1,456. For the price of only about a hundred coffees, you too can turn shame into a false self-righteous arrogance today.
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie

Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Charlie Brown Adic Trip
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A-Crock-O-Shit Now

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Tony Ballz

What the hell happened? NOTHING happened, that’s what happened. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a boring apocalypse. With all the hype that’s been building up, you’d think the show would be a little better. But no, it was just another Friday night in Flagstaff. There weren’t even any good bands downtown!

Someone dropped the ball on Armageddon, and I think you all know who I’m talking about. Hmm? Three letters, starts with a G? Ends with a D? Hmm? Yes, I know the Big Guy is getting up there in millennia, but COME ON! Not even one horseman? Maybe half a pestilence? How about an annoyance of locusts? Mosquitos? Crickets? Grubs? Not ONE THING on fire? We got hosed.

I mean, why did he even bother with the prophecies and whatnot? You know, the Mayan calendar and all that flapdoodle? When you spend thousands of years plugging a single event, you have to put SOME kind of act together. Doesn’t The Almighty know any decent marketing guys? Oh wait, they all go straight to hell. Never mind.

What about divinely inspiring the Neanderthals who wrote the Bible? That stuff takes a lot of effort. You basically have to starve them into eating psilocybin mushrooms and peyote and moldy bread until those lazy blockheads churn out some good copy.

Let’s be honest, the Book Of Revelations was written by the first century’s version of your average metalhead in Muncie Indiana, driving through a cornfield on a Saturday night waxed to the gills on whatever hallucinogens they sell at Ace Hardware for under $20.

“Hell yeah, the APOCALYPSE, brah! It’s gonna be AWESOME! Like, California’s gonna fall in the ocean while Tool is playing, and we’re all gonna be rockin’ out … and then the locusts descend while Black Sabbath is doing ‘War Pigs’ and all the assholes, like all the frat guys and record executives are gonna be drowning in huge cauldrons of boiling gravy, and they’ll be like, ‘Help! It burns! Save us!” and Ozzy will give them the finger and say, “Ha Ha, too late, douchebags! You had your chance to be cool and you blew it! Now SUFFER!!!” … and then Motorhead will come out and right when they play ‘Ace Of Spades’ the Four Horsemen will be riding across the sky and Lemmy will high five all of them like, ‘Alright, brothers!’ Man, it’s gonna RULE!”

Now THERE’S an apocalypse I can get excited about. I might even buy a t-shirt or a commemorative CD:

Black Sabbath – LIVE at Armageddon

Motorhead – High Fiving The Four Horsemen (Deluxe End-Of-The-World Edition with bonus DVD)

Someone should have contacted the people at Sony about this shit last year. Now it’s too late and what are we stuck with? Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl. Big deal.
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Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast

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Denny’s CEO: No Hobbit Meat in Our Grand Slam Breakfast

Spartansburg, SC—CEO of Denny’s, Miller Johnson, is denying allegations that hobbit meat has turned up in several of his restaurant’s menu items. Many fear the illegal use of hobbit meat in any food product has willfully been ignored by key administrators. A whistleblower, ironically a dwarf named Borinaxe Whistleblower, believes the Denny’s organization is using Hobbit meat to augment their already prominent vats of pink-slime-filled products.

Denny’s is on the defensive and their President is currently denying any and all such allegations. Mr. Johnson told the press to “shove it in their hobbit holes” when he was questioned about the main ingredient in his Shire Sausage skillet.

Johnson told the press today, “There is only one Denny’s in New Zealand that is under investigation at this time. You can’t hold me responsible for the wrongdoings of one of my stores! We have a shireload of them, though I have never actually counted. I have people for that. Look, I try to conduct on-site inspections whenever possible, but this store is, like, millions of miles away! I would have to gather a fellowship, some collection of wizards and warriors, and march to blah, blah, blah. Look, I want to get to the Bilbo…er, to the bottom of this as much as anyone. Besides, hobbit meat is all stringy. You would have to slather it with condiments and syrup, which is what we recommend for all of our products. Why don’t you turn this media attention back where it belongs, to that Papa John’s asshole? I hear his “everything pizza” has levels of ringwraith the FDA finds totally unacceptable. Talk about stringy meat. Nothing like a thousand year old dead king on your everything, eh? Not to mention if you’re stuffing a slice in your face and manage to get a ring, yikes. At least we use plump, juicy little…..sorry, miles away.”
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Apocalypse Fail Leaves Discord Material-less

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Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. “We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris,” said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. “It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality,” said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, “The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit.”

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. “The well is dry,” said Winlsow. “We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah.”

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, “It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp.”

McGrath went on to explain, “Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year.”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce

Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord’s new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source…and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you’ve said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I’m going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it’s not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

“I can change, I swear.”

-Bob Dylan
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Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy

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Oscar the Grouch Gives Klugman’s Eulogy

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, “It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes” before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, “There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison.”

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, “One, two, three…three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!”

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, “I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!”

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. “When the garbage man comes by, I collect him,” said Oscar. “So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends.”

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.
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Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich

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Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

I know, I know, it’s been only five seconds since my last rant, but the stupidity is coming in at ludicrous speed…soon to go “plaid”. Chuck Hagel, once a Republican senator from Nebraska, was a rare voice of reason during the lead up to and during the Iraq War. He was right about a lot of shit when the rest of you were wrong. But why hold that against him? Oh that’s right, Fox is never having to learn from history.

Fox News: we want a Secretary of Defense dumb enough to start nation building in Iran, Syria, and Newark!

Actually, you can just follow this formula:

Republicans are against Hagel’s nomination = he would be awesome!

Works every time. I realize the GOP hasn’t figured out why they’re dangerously incompetent, but others have something called insight and memory. It took balls for Hagel to go against the grain when both R and D alike were lining up to make one of the biggest blunders in U.S. history. I’m talking about voting out Sanjaya for American Idol. What did you think I was talking about? I still believe, Sanjaya!

As for those who opposed the Iraq War, I remember Russ Feingold over in Wisconsin getting his panties in a bunch, then Chuck Hagel in Nebraska and then my favorite blogger, Andrew Sullivan. They were the scant few voices of opposition. I’m not sure the order is right, but that’s who I came to associate with “smart” in an otherwise vast neuron-free political wasteland (NFPW). What’s strange is two of the three of those men are Republicans. Weird, huh? Of course, even the two Republicans are not allowed in the GOP tent anymore, what with an IQ above a turnip and all.

Of course, the Hagel-bashing like almost any other rabid Republican attack is a farce.

“They (The GOP) have drawn a caricature of a supposedly anti-Semitic, terrorist-coddling, Iran-appeasing, unilaterally disarming, wildly liberal malcontent. It hardly seems to matter to them that none of those things are true.”

—Amy Davidson, The New Yorker

And you may ask yourself am I Right or am I waaay Right? And you may tell yourself, my god what have I done?! Sorry, the best way to deal with the media’s Talking Heads is to quote some. Speaking of burning down the House, when are we going to do that? Where’s Occupy’s Guy Fawkes when you need him? This aint no party, this aint no disco, I aint got time for that now. Wasn’t that from the song Life During War Crimes? Take me to the river and drop me in the water, because these psycho killers are on the road to nowhere. Sorry, I’m being told to stop.

Yes, Mr. Byrne. Sorry Mr. Byrne. I do understand copyright laws, Mr. Byrne. Geesh, who put sand in this guy’s Vaseline?

Dear Republican Party,

Please go away. If you haven’t been right about anything in nearly15-years, isn’t it time to find a new hobby, like whittling? or quilting? or BDSM? Meanwhile, how about we just change the locks on the Capital Building doors while the House is on recess?

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Try this at home. Ask a Republican what they think they’ve been right about and they’ll go, “er, uh, ummm, Obama sucks!”

Of course, the history books will say otherwise, but thanks for playing.

Finally, others are ratcheting up the rhetoric to match my own. Look, I don’t call for the disbanding of an entire political party lightly, but haven’t they done enough damage to the global economy and to the globe? The answer is, no; they will do much much more before this is all said and done. The need for the Republican Party to reform or disband has never been clearer. I would prefer at this point they just take off their tea bag bedangled hats and wander off. You know, like when animals know they’re going to die so they just crawl away somewhere and whittle.

“Republican politicians today have a choice: either change your base by educating and leading G.O.P. voters back to the center-right from the far right, or start a new party that is more inclusive, focused on smaller but smarter government and market-based, fact-based solutions to our biggest problems.”

—Tom Friedman, The New York Times

I usually limit my Andrew Sullivan quotes to a sentence or two, but I love this! I think every four years of blogging I deserve such an indulgence. Sure, it’s what I’ve been saying forever, but he’s really purdy with them words and stuff. Oh, there’s no jokes, so if you are one of our laughs-only-customers (LOCs) feel free to skip to my closing paragraph.

“Enough! Between the humiliating and chaotic collapse of Speaker Boehner’s already ludicrously extreme Plan B and Wayne La Pierre’s deranged proposal to put government agents in schools with guns, the Republican slide into total epistemic closure and political marginalization has now become a free-fall. This party, not to mince words, is unfit for government. There is no conservative party in the West – except for minor anti-immigrant neo-fascist ones in Europe – anywhere close to this level of far right extremism. And now the damage these fanatics can do is not just to their own country – was the debt ceiling debacle of 2011 not enough for them? – but to the entire world.

Those of us who have warned for years about this disturbing trend toward ever more extreme measures – backing torture, pre-emptive un-budgeted wars, out-of-control spending followed, like a frantic mood swing, by anti-spending absolutism of the most insane variety in a steep recession, vicious hostility to illegal immigrants, contempt for gay couples, hostility even to contraception, let alone a middle ground on abortion … well, you know it all by now.

But the current constitutional and economic vandalism removes any shred of doubt that this party and its lucrative media bubble is in any way conservative. They aren’t. They’re ideological zealots, indifferent to the consequences of their actions, contemptuous of the very to-and-fro essential for the American system to work, gerry-mandering to thwart the popular will, filibustering in a way that all but wrecks the core mechanics of American democracy, and now willing to acquiesce to the biggest tax increase imaginable because they cannot even accept Obama’s compromise from his clear campaign promise to raise rates for those earning over $250,000 to $400,000 a year.

And this is not the exception. It is the rule. On abortion, the party proposes that it be made illegal in every state by amending the Constitution. Torture? More, please. Iran? It should be attacked if it merely develops the technological skill to make a nuclear bomb, let alone actually make one. Israel? Leading Republicans don’t just support new settlements on the West Bank. They show up for the opening ceremonies!

Gun control? A massacre of children leads to a proposal for more guns in elementary schools and no concession on assault weapons. Immigration? Romney represented the party base – favoring a brutal regime of persecution of illegal immigrants until they are forced to “self-deport” – or rounding as many up as they can. Climate change? It’s a hoax – and we should respond by shrieking “Drill, Baby, Drill!” Gay marriage? The federal constitution should be amended to bar any legal recognition of any gay relationships, including civil partnerships. Their legislative agenda in this Congress? To “make Obama a one-term president.” Not saving the economy, not pursuing new policies, not cooperating to make Democratic legislation better. Just destroying a president of the opposite party. And, of course, failing.

Then there is the rhetoric. In just the last fortnight, House Republicans have asserted that secretary of state Clinton faked her recent fall and concussion at home in order to get out of testifying on the Benghazi consulate attack. And then the Weekly Standard quotes a Senate Republican staffer saying: “Send us Hagel and we will make sure every American knows he is an anti-Semite.”

Enough. This faction and its unhinged fanaticism has no place in any advanced democracy. They must be broken. But the current irony is that no one has managed to expose their extremism more clearly than their own Speaker. His career is over. As is the current Republican party. We need a new governing coalition in the House – Democrats and those few sane Republicans willing to put country before ideology. But even that may be impossible.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

I couldn’t have said it better myself. No, I really couldn’t. I failed English in high school and only took Composition in college. By the way, thank you Eileen Robinson for helping me pass Composition 101. Do you help with blogs by chance? Just curious.

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Tahrir Square “Flash Mob” Stunt Ends Poorly

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Tahrir Square "Flash Mob" Stunt Ends Poorly

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived “flash mob” number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either.”

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, “As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes.”

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