Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt

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Beyond Irony or Rickrolling in A Pink Unicorn T-shirt
Tony Ballz

A man must possess standards. I never had a big brother growing up, but my buddies and I knew older guys in school that were concerned enough with our upbringing to pass along whatever nuggets of knowledge they could. To these men I am ever grateful. Without their help, I never would have known truths like this one: every day, Kenny Loggins wakes up, hops out of bed, sits down in his kitchen, and eats a big fat hairy gorilla weiner for breakfast. EVERY day. Where else is information like this supposed to come from? It might have taken me YEARS to figure that out on my own and I shudder to think what my record collection would look like today.

A quick study of irony and beyond-irony:

Your average drug addict spends all his money on dope, so when he needs new clothes, he grabs whatever is in the free box at the mission. This results in unshaven, sallow-eyed, smelly, scabby, creepy young men junkie-slouching around the Pacific Northwest in pink unicorn t-shirts. College kids see them and go, “Hey, look at that guy. Is he in a band? Wow, that shirt SUCKS! Wonder if they sell those at the mall?” And soon enough, they do.

This leads to legions of wannabe hipsters and amateur dickwads buying, in the words of Patton Oswalt, the douchiest t-shirts they can find, as if to say, “This shirt is lame, but I KNOW it’s lame. I’m being ironic, so my coolness obviously overrides the pure shittiness of what I’m wearing.”

For years, that is where it ended. Around 2007 or so, we hit the next stage: the hipsters and dickwads hand their smarmy t-shirts down to younger siblings who are too stupid to understand irony. They put the shirts on without being aware of how much they sucked in the first place, which was why they were in the free box at the mission.

“Hey, that’s a sweet pink unicorn shirt.”

“Thanks. My big bro gave it to me.”

“Lucky. Do they sell those at the mall?”

You can trace a similar path with those wolves-howling-at-the-moon shirts and the movie Napoleon Dynamite.

The internal filter that once allowed us to determine good art from bad has nearly eroded. Everything entertains us, no matter how idiotic. The phrase “Oh my God, this is stupid. Turn it off” has left our vocabulary. People just don’t have any idea what sucks anymore. Maybe nothing sucks to them, maybe they’re willing to give everyone and everything the benefit of the doubt. How frightening.

I have seen grown men defend the music of Phil Collins, Justin Timberlake, even George Michael. I suppose they’re afraid of saying, “Yeah, Phil Collins sucks!” only to be told, “No, Phil Collins is cool now. We all decided.”

Or they don’t want to be the unhip guy going, “Ugh, what’s THIS crap?” and be told, “That’s Nick Drake, you asshole! He’s a genius, we all decided!”

The phenomenon of Rickrolling was funny at first, seeing as how “Never Gonna Give You Up” was the epitome of 1980s emasculated synthesized shit-pop. It became less humorous when the trend resulted in a large boost in sales of Rick Astley’s CDs, followed by the dreaded comeback tour.

Let us reexamine this:

Rickrolling began when someone somewhere realized that “Never Gonna Give You Up” was one of the schlockiest, most vomitous and spineless pieces of pop dreck ever to disgrace the top 40, and that interrupting people’s web surfing with a video clip of Mr. Astley at his most effeminate and eunuch-like was somehow highly amusing. And it was.

Then, people who were too young to remember the agony of when the song was in heavy rotation (and too stupid to understand irony) said, “Hey, that’s a snappy little tune!” and went out and bought Rick Astley’s Greatest Hits. They currently drive around your neighborhood cranking Rick’s big ones dead unironically. And now “Never Gonna Give You Up” is stuck in my head. God damn it.

We have a friendly neighborhood pirate radio station to which I contribute much time and music. I was idly cruising through our iTunes library recently when I came across “Girl, You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli. The whole LP. I immediately knew who had stuck it in there and asked him upon our next meeting what his motives could possibly be. He smiled weakly.

“C’mon, dude … you know, Milli Vanilli. It’s funny.”

Yes, the entire album. Hilarious.

I once had a lady friend who was the type of person who should never be allowed near a jukebox with money. We were shooting pool one time and she returned from her sojurn with a big smile on her face as her first selection played: “Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I looked at her inquisitively.

“C’mon dude … you know, Free Bird. It’s funny.”

Yes, eight minutes long as well. A real gutbuster.

Her next song was “Three Little Pigs” by Green Jello. Ever heard a drunk person tell a really long joke badly that you already know the punchline to?

A few years ago, there was a TV commercial where the scenario was: square dad tries to teach hipster son about “real” rock & roll. The kid is rolling his eyes while dad is rocking out to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” I immediately sprang to my feet and began yelling at the set:

“Good God, man! In the name of all that is holy, just what do you think you are doing? That’s a CHILD with a developing brain, he’s VERY impressionable! Listen buddy, if you have an ounce of love for your offspring, if you wish to impart any fatherly knowledge that will affect his life positively, for Pete’s sake TEACH HIM THAT PAT BENATAR SUCKS! AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE! What happens when that kid hears the Velvet Underground for the first time? Huh? Did you even THINK about that? He’s not going to be able to PROCESS it! He won’t have any frame of reference because YOU taught him that “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” and “Don’t Stop Believing” are what rock and roll sounds like! I know parenting is hard but JESUS, man! Steer that boy in the right direction, the future of our species depends on it!”

Those of you who already know what Yacht Rock is, bear with the next few paragraphs:

For the uninitiated, Yacht Rock is an internet comedy show consisting of a dozen 5-10 minute episodes, all of which are posted on YouTube. It’s basically an irony-soaked parody of those VH-1 Behind The Music strokefests, set in the late 1970s/early 1980s, the golden age of smooth music: Loggins And Messina, Christopher Cross, Michael McDonald-era Doobies, Steely Dan, The Eagles, Toto, Fleetwood Mac … Yacht Rock. Punk and all underground culture were basically invented as a reaction to this era.

Yacht Rock’s dialogue is cheesy, the acting is bad, and each episode looks like it was shot with a handheld video camera and edited on a computer during the hour allotted at the library. It shouldn’t work at all but the show is pretty goddamned hysterical, near genius. Steve Perry from Journey appears out of the sky like a superhero; Nate Dogg runs over Michael McDonald while Warren G is making banana bread; one guy in Steely Dan has to translate what the other guy is saying; Hall and Oates fight Loggins and McDonald in a karate/songwriting battle that ends in horrible tragedy involving a harpoon…you get the idea.

The actors involved (as well as host Steve Huey, one of the geeks-in-residence at allmusic.com) are around my age, old enough to remember when the radio was filled with this lame plop. Their love/hate for the music shines through. They take obvious joy in portraying these rich white “rock” stars of this wretched period as complete jerkoffs and buffoons. Except for Steely Dan, they were OK. But Christopher Cross … wow, what a dick. Fuck that guy.

A fellow music head turned me on to Yacht Rock a few years ago, knowing it would be right up my alley. All the episodes were on heavy rotation at my place that summer. My roommate and his crew were nearly ten years behind me, too young to remember the music, but they dug the show anyway.

One day I came home from work and headed in back to the opium den. Everyone was sitting around grooving on “What a Fool Believes” by the Doobie Brothers. These were folks whose regular musical tastes ran the gamut from White Zombie to Korn and everything in between. I gaped at them in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? Turn that shit off! What are you thinking?”

“C’mon dude…you know, Yacht Rock. It’s funny.”

Back to school, kids.
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Buckingham Palace Rented to College Students

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Buckingham Palace Rented to College Students

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

“We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence,” said Her Majesty the Queen. “I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!”

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, “The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that.”

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

“It’s preposterous,” said the Queen, “at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style.”
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Cranky Predictions for 2013

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The Crank

2012 is over, thank the Lord. Every year for the past five, I thought the next year just HAD to be better. How did that work out? Not so good. I sincerely hope this year will actually be better than the last, but ah-aint-a-holdin-mah-breth. Here are my predictions for 2013, which has implications for the global economy, rock & roll, and comedy bloggers everywhere.

The Rolling Stones:

They will all die onstage amidst their latest tour, but the show will go on anyway. Keith Richards will later be revived and, in his current disguise, will be the only one to survive the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Ozzy Osborne:

He will put out a Polish wedding dance music album called Goin’ Off The Rails On A Nagel Train. I am 100% certain of this, but there are several title variations are possible…Roll out the War Pigs?

John Boehner:

Boehner’s home town will unveil a bronze statue of him, but no one will be able to tell them apart.

Harry Reid:

He will resign as Senate Leader after being asked to actually accomplish something. Then we will discover he’s had Alzheimer’s and has been living throughout his tenor under the volcano at the Mirage. The reason none of the 190 some-odd-bills sent from the house were voted on was because he couldn’t remember where he put them.

Chris Christie:

Unfortunately, New Jersey’s Governor will be the subject of an intervention when the New Jersey State Police find him at 3AM, drunk and naked, trying to break into a Krispy Kreme factory “to ride the glaze machine.”

Hugo Chavez:

The Venezuelan leader will die of cancer and Sean Penn will be elected the new President of Venezuela.

Hockey:

Hockey will resume but no one will notice—even some of the players, especially those with multiple concussions.

Barack Obama:

He will approve the oil pipeline, but only if it goes through Venezuela so we can pay them and Canada for the oil. When it’s done, he will veto the purchase of any of the said oil because he doesn’t want to risk polluting the Gulf of Mexico as it’s shipped back. Liberals will later hail this as a “major victory for the environment.”

Kim Kardashian:

She is pregnant and her ass will get so big it will be named the Eighth Wonder of the World by Guinness Book of Records.

Our Budget:

No budget will be passed this year, mainly because it’s been so long since we’ve had one no one really remembers how to do it. Oh, and we will go over the fiscal cliff eventually, only to find it was only a three foot drop.

The Congress:

They will find out the hard way that trying to take guns away from people with guns may be “problematic.”

The mentally ill:

They will protest that the terrible shootings are blamed on guns instead of the plight of inadequate care of the mentally ill. The media will call them crazy, as it’s obviously the gun’s fault.

The Department Of Justice:

They will charge RGIII with treason.

Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger:

This duo will make one more action/adventure film about old men fighting for freedom. It’s going to be called What did you say? Heh?? They will then start a garage band called Sly and the Family Schwarzenegger, which will never make it out of the garage.

Piers Morgan:

He will spend the rest of his life inside Heathrow Airport when he gets deported from America, but England refuses him entry.
The Queen later said, “It took 40 years to get rid of him, you keep him.”

Liberals:

Progressives will come to the realization that people with differing views DO need to be respected. They will then shake their heads and say, “No, that can’t be right.” They will giggle, make a ‘pppfff’ sound and say, “Never mind.”

The U.S.:

Will finally accept Sharia Law and all the liberal women will say, “Wait…what?”
We will import “The Liverpool Plan” from the U.K.’s healthcare system, for its managed euthanasia plan for the elderly and the terminally ill. The Older Dems who made fun of “death panels” will say, “Wait…what?” But they will enjoy the surplus of Soylent Green.
We will mint four one-trillion dollar coins so Obama doesn’t have to negotiate the debt ceiling. When the dollar becomes worthless and our debt is downgraded to junk bond status, rich Dems will say, “Wait…what?”

Football:

The NFL will make all player-to-player contact illegal, leaving the defense left just yelling “no, please…stop” and waving their hands at oncoming players. Gays will then embrace football like never before.

Contests:

A contest will be announced looking for the “girl with the biggest breasts in the world.” The winner will then be immediately hired by either Fox News or the Daily Discord.
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Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

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Are Video Games Desensitizing Our Children to Zombie Cruelty?

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don’t call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the “zombie head shot” will become even more automatic for future generations.

“You’ve heard of the Three Fs, right?” said VVG’s CEO Joy Gropstein. “Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F.”

VVG is diligently trying to work the words “zombie head shot” into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, “We’re thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That’s all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn’t agree more, “Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don’t know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca

Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time…well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman
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Inauguration Day’s Star-Spangled Bummer

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Inauguration Day's Star-Spangled Bummer

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, “And don’t call me Shirley!” When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

“At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third,” said Neilson. “You can’t plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again.”

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, “I’ll let you know.”

Aguilera then took the mic and said, “I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced.”

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, “The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff.”

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, “Yo Obama, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!”
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The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row

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The Haunted Palace at Prescott’s Whiskey Row
Mick Zano

Have you ever stopped at Prescott’s Whiskey Row? For those unfamiliar with the southwest, Prescott is a town nestled in a mountainous section of central Arizona. There’s a time I would have loved this rustic row of bars…er, like shortly after it debuted in 1877. But there’s at least one place on that block worthy of a stop. The Palace Saloon is old, historic, and quite haunted. It’s also the focus of The Ghost Blunder’s latest para-abnormal investigation.

Truth be told, we did this investigation a couple of months ago and I lost all my notes, so bear that in mind as I try to piece together this entire sinister episode…hopefully before Mr. Winslow fires me again. First, let me take a moment to sum up the rest of Whiskey Row:

Don’t go there if you’re over 21 and if you’re under 21 you can’t go there. Do the math. Keep in mind, this is a great place for those underagers with fake IDs.

About a year ago I started an article to review these bars, but I shifted that forsaken quest to my laptop’s trash can before my first pee break. I do remember one story, though, as I was strolling into Matt’s Saloon the bouncer said, “Sir, we need to take your backpack while you’re in here.“

I responded with, “Okay, what’s your best beer?”

He replied, “Uh, we got Michelob.”

“No. You cannot have my backpack.”

As I hyperlinked to Matt’s website for your enjoyment—which, in retrospect, I really shouldn’t have—I made the mistake of reading the whole thing. Wow. It’s really called Matt’s Longhorn Saloon, which was apparently too longhorn for the sign out front. Help, I really can’t stop reading this website. Someone call my therapist. The cute one, please…she’s helping with my sex addiction.

Here’s an excerpt from the site:

“Matt’s Saloon has become an internationally recognized and highly acclaimed destination place for country music. Great country western acts such as Buck Owens, Lee Hazelwood and Waylon Jennings….”

Wow, Waylon Owens! And to think he once opened for Willy Rogers. It reminds of that Blues Brother’s line when they end up at Bob’s Country Bunker and someone goes, “We got both kinds of music here, country and western.” Geesh. Sorry to go on a tangent, but it’s my M.O. It sure beats when I’m focused. Did you read that last article when I was focused? Yikes.

For some historical context, Whiskey Row suffered two major fires, July of 1883 and May of 2012. I can assure you I had nothing to do with the fire of 1883. The history of paranormal occurrences at the Palace Saloon is considerable; in fact, the Discord crew already scored an apparition before we were even ghost hunters. My sister took a picture of the Discord’s Crank at the Crystal Palace a few years back. In the mirror above a ghostly apparition appeared. The picture was taken on old style film so we don’t have a suitable version for you, but I was sure we’d get plenty more…in fact, I’ll bet my reputation on it. Hell, I don’t have a good rep anyway.

For this mission, Cokie McGrath, “Vegas Great” Bald Tony, and our two interns Helena and Barb made the arduous 300 yard journey from The Raven Café to the Palace Saloon. Don’t laugh; I don’t like to leave that place, especially when the rooftop bar is open. Thankfully Prescott Brewing Company was en-route, or I’m not sure we would have made it.

When we arrived at The Palace, six pints later, I realized the mirror in question—the one my sister captured that ghostly apparition—was no longer there. Apparently, it was removed a couple of years ago and is probably stored in Warehouse 13 or something. Cue spooky music.

The Palace Saloon opened in 1877 and Matt’s “Longhorn” Saloon is right next door. I don’t know when Matt’s Place opened. I finally managed to pry my eyes off his God forsaken website and I’m not going back. Holy shit! Clint Presley’s playing there! Sorry.

After doing some research I discovered the Palace Saloon was not your average watering-hole—way back in the day people came there from miles around to eat, drink, dance, socialize and screw. Okay, not much different from today. Oh, and you can still see actual bullet holes in the high ceiling from an old western-style gunfight. I’ve lived near Newark, New Jersey, so that doesn’t particularly impress me, but I still thought it was worth mentioning.

I’ve visited the Palace about five times, and every time it’s like walking into a polder. Not that guy from the X-Files—a polder, a liminal land beyond space-time, like Briga-La or Shangri-Doon. Did I mention I’m an idiot? When you walk into the place there are always people dressed like cowboys, or civil war soldiers, or drag queens. No wait, that’s that other bar.

So the picture above is not that unusual. Cokie’s always hitting on old Civil War era guys. For a related ghost adventure, check out the Ghost Blunders in Haunted Gettysburg. That was back when I had a real passion for this shit. You’ve sucked the life out of me, Winslow! You bastard!

Meanwhile, the two gentlemen above are not ghosts, because we asked them. We’re professionals, after all. Since I had lost my notes, which were meticulously written on a bar coaster, we will call them Bill and Ted. And they told us of their most excellent adventure. Now both of these guys had some strange experiences in that old place. One time they were getting photographed in the backroom and their images ended up surrounded by countless orbs. I went back there to conduct my own photo shoot, but had no such luck. Especially after Cokie warned Helena about my standard “I’m going to make you a star” line, women. They’re smart and stuff.

Bill and Ted also told us of the strange noises often heard after hours as well as some other bizarre tales of macabre…and even some about men wearing fishnets and singing show tunes. No wait, that’s that other bar again. This pair really did believe the place was haunted. In fact, everyone we spoke to had a tale to tell. It’s all written on that coaster. If you find it please hit our contact button at the bottom of the page. That could reeeally help me out about now [or maybe not; it’d also help the FBI].

The team wasn’t surprised this was a very active spot, after all, The Palace had both elements we have come to associate with hauntings: a bar and stuffed animal heads on the wall. You see, the Ghost Blunders have discovered ecto-pilsner, a substance as yet unknown to science, which is either manifested through beer or…awe, heck, I’m not going through this again. You can read our important theories for yourself as summarized in my Haunted Durango feature. That one is sure to win me a Pulitzer. Hey, while you were doing that I found some orbs!

On closer inspection, the orbs between each mounted deer head turned out to be track-lighting, which is not exactly paranormal in origin, or particularly interesting…but it looks nice.

The mannequin next to me, or more accurately womennequin, is a doppelganger. When staff arrived one morning the first model was found shattered on the floor after presumably being shoved from the balcony. This Who-Dummied-It is still a cold case file—a very cold, almost plastic-like. We interviewed the new womennequin and her quotes are also on that coaster. Could you imagine what she goes through? Umm, sorry we’re going to lock you in here alone again tonight, oh, and the last chick who had this gig was murdered by a ghost. The heartless bastards! I’m coming back for you tonight, honey, and we’re going to start a new life, together. Yep, time to call that therapist lady again.

After interviewing the staff, Bald Tony decided to conduct an EVP session (electronic voice phenomenon) [reverse acronym joke], during which we captured a slew of truly chilling sounds and voices. They are also on that coaster. It was a big coaster…and I used the back as well.

I was beginning to think I’d really botched this case, which is not uncommon, but in double-checking all of the photos I noticed something strange. Even though I hadn’t captured any orbs during this investigation, I did find this:

The caption of the picture says Gurley Street circa 1870s. Gurley Street is one block over from where the Palace now stands, but what’s with the shadow dude? Who’s giving off that one prominent shadow of that one prominent looking man? There’s no one with a matching hat and, besides, he’s around the wrong side of the building. Then, when I zoomed in (to the image you see above), you can clearly make out he’s wearing a white cravat/ascot thing…um, white…in a shadow? BWTF? It’s actually BWTFCAT? But Why The F***ing Cravat/Ascot Thing?

Did they do ghost hoaxing in the 1870s? I remember the Loch Ness Mobster and the Abominable Hippie, but this far back? And he’s looking right at the camera! Can anyone explain this? If you have a theory, hit the contact button. Well, the picture is still hanging on the wall somewhere in the Palace Saloon in Prescott so you can check it out for yourself. Unless, like that mirror, they already smuggled it off to Warehouse-13. The womennequin isn’t there anymore either. I don’t know what happened to her. What? I don’t…really. So just drop it…but not off a balcony (badum bum). My therapist wants me to bring her to our next session, but I don’t know…

I still think that last picture is downright chilling. Heck, I might not sleep for a week. Okay, I’m not really that scared, I just snorted way too much meth tonight. Who knows what evil lurks in the old photos of men? The shadow of the BWTFCAT knows! Mwhahahahah.

That’s a rap. Mick Zano, “Vegas Great” Bald Tony, Cokie McGrath and our interns Helena and Barb signing off. But don’t worry, folks, Alex Bone will be back in our next thrilling episode Night at the Route-66 Museum Club. Oh wait, he’s barred from there too. Well, we’ll get someone…anyone free Friday? Holy shit, Garth Haggard is playing next weekend!
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Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

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Obama Uses Children as Human Shield While Ending 2nd Amendment

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. “A two hundred and twenty something year old fish,” added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the “drone death list.”

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, “I’m making a list and checking it twice…I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em.”

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his….well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was “slightly impulsive,” and then later blamed his actions on being “caught up in the moment.”

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some “pull my trigger-finger” variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, “He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here.” Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins…er, which is an affront to donuts…of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I’m XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I’m wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I’m thinking of writing about “How to Improve Your Credit Rating,” as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX

Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don’t think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow
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The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe

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The Right to Bear Arms Shall Not Be Infringed by the Fringe
Mick Zano

I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever…well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I am an advocate of our 2nd Amendment rights, but I agree some safeguards should be in place designed to help keep guns out of the hands of evil/crazy people, or as I call them, Republicans. But this is not your battle, sir. Fact: someday we will pass reasonable gun-reform legislation, but that day is NOT today. In the early twenty first century you are dealing with a slew of paranoid and highly armed infants. You are taunting a group clearly a few slugs shy of a full cylinder. That’s a gun joke. I had to Google that shit. I thought it was a chamber. Who knew? I think back to all of those Russian roulette sessions and wince. Cylinder, got it…

Your actions remind me of an old SNL bit, Don’t Taunt Happy Fun Ball. You, sir, are taunting Happy Fun Ball!!

Remember, this is a group who think they’re right on any subject, despite the facts, so why fan these flames? A disturbing false narrative has developed over the years and this simply feeds into it. Usually you have some master plan, but I don’t get this one. You walked into a trap set by morons. So what does that make you? Look, no one could have foreseen New Town…except you, of course, after ordering the operation. Regardless of your intent, even if you’re simply trying to enforce existing laws, it will be interpreted by our Nation’s crackpots as THE N***ER IS COMING FOR OUR GUNS!! I told ya’s, dag nab it. I told ya’s. An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter! fRABISh! Did you hear Charlie Daniels’ speech? Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Sorry about the N-word, sir, I just saw Django this weekend. Oh, and let Texas secede. Except Austin, of course, and parts of the panhandle where Interstate 40 runs through it. Thanks.

My biggest complaint about Barack Obama has always been his inability to read certain tea bag leaves. He seems entirely incapable of understanding the batshit Right. I have my PhD in that shit. Having to live in the trenches, I have a good handle on our country’s ailing zeitgeist. Since 2008 I have extensively covered the relative mental health of We The Prozac. I have a good feel for our country’s labile and anxiety-riddled emotional state. Oh, and it was a bad feel, not a good feel. Don’t worry, I reported it to Adult Protective Politics. Of course, we don’t fund that anymore in AZ, so they just told me to go someplace in mind when it happens and think of baseball. Oh, and for a good review of some of our cognitive dysfunctions check my old article here.

Meanwhile, Obama remains detached and aloof about the pulse of the Foxeteers, which is now fluttering like a moth on meth. Their reaction was entirely predictable (Pavlov’s elephants?). This is the only time it has made me wonder if he’s intentionally stoking the coals. The great uniter, purposely dividing? For what purpose? Is he just pissed off, or is there some kernel of truth on the batshitsville side of life? The thought makes me queasy.

I live in Arizona, where people are just coming to terms with the Dred Scott Decision…which, I tell ya, is a slippery slope to a black president. Mark my words! Speaking of frontier gibberish, have you heard AZ’s Senator Kyl speak? fRABISh!

On a side note, Obama also blew it on Inauguration Day. He needed to level with the American people. His Administration promised a full recovery by the end of his first term, when no credible economists thought that was possible. Of course, I know why they did it. Half the formula for our stock market has always been about bullshit perceptions.

“Do you think we’re doing well?”

“Sure, so go buy some shit.”

I can see why capitalism is so popular. And, of course, that’s been Fox and Drudge’s antithetical position. Let’s ignore any problem until the world economy is in a freefall and then let’s hinder the recovery with negative rhetoric so we can return to power.

Willy Wonka
Tell me again how patriotic you people are…

Had it been reversed; if a GOP president followed this collapse, the economic news would now all be Everything’s Coming Up Roses in overdrive. Speaking of which, why aren’t we switching to Ethanol Merman? Sorry. I’m over my quota.

With a GOP president you would never hear a word about our deficit—just like Reagan’s or W’s silent spend fests (SSFs). Regardless, this is perhaps Obama’s biggest mistake. He should never have riled up a bunch of bullet happy bozos (BHBs). Or is it, bullet happy Bozells? Speaking of which, hey Brent, if the 2nd Amendment is about fighting tyranny, why not just allow guns during Republican Administrations? See how that would make more sense, er…in the same way you invariably don’t?

Then came the ultimate insult:

I am a great believer in the Zano political formula (ZPF), which pretty much states: pick a topic, any topic, and the Democratic solution is dumb, the Republican solution is dumber, and the Tea Party’s solution is the dumbest. This works for nine out of ten topics. For a recent example, the liberal idea of minting a trillion dollar coin is dumb. Many believe it would work as a nice gimmick in the short term, and I happen to agree, but for the long term it’s simply dumb. Republicans want an austerity-only approach, which by all accounts would immediately trigger a double-dip recession, aka, dumber. You have but to look to Europe to see how austerity-only plans are working. And then the Tea Party, not to be out-dumbed, wants to default on our debt as a nation in the name of fiscal conservatism. That is clearly the dumbest plan…by far. As usual, they are in a class by themselves (No Child Left Benign?)

This formula works on almost every issue, like magic…er, until now. On 1/12, I happened to catch Thomas Roberts hosting MSNBC Live. He was arguing with some gun rights advocate. The gun guy reviewed the three primary reasons our Founding Fathers wanted us armed, and then Roberts responds thusly (this is all paraphrased):

Roberts: So you want to take up arms against our military?

Gun Guy: No, it has simply always been meant as a deterrent. We have 80-million armed citizens in our country, which could pose as a deterrent should our government ever become tyrannical.

He then rightly used Afghanistan as an example of a country not easily occupiable, which you can’t refudiate is a word. (Did I mention this was paraphrased?)

Roberts: So you are now knocking our military’s engagement in Afghanistan?

Gun guy: No, that’s not the point.

Roberts: Well, the military has drones, so if you take up arms against the government, you couldn’t win. You would be killed!

WTF? That may be the single dumbest response I have ever heard on any news channel, including Fox, EVER. This anchor did not only fail to understand the Founding Father’s reasoning for our 2nd Amendment rights, he is suggesting we, the U.S., have 80-million drones lying around to take out every gun owner during an uprising. It was an astounding exchange and it might singlehandedly bring about a tie between the batshit NRA/Nugents of the world and the batshit Michael Moore/uber-disarmers of the world. It was truly a sad moment, especially since over the years I have become more in line with liberal thought—primarily as a direct response to the profoundly embarrassing views and behaviors of the GOP. I know, which is totally irrelephant, right Groucho?

This is one of those topics where just about everyone seems to be wrong:

The NRA’s ideology:

“There’s no correlation between handing rocket launchers to the criminally insane and related violence.”

VS.

Michael Moore’s equally disturbing ideology:

“Who needs more than ten bullets to kill a deer?”

Er, besides Michael Moore? Hey…say what you want about Michael Moore, but he was the best James Bond ever—or was that Roger and Me?

I would like to think more people fall somewhere between these two rather extreme views, but I don’t. In one small poll, my Facebook friends fell entirely into either the Michael Moore (MMC) 10-bullets-a-week camp or the Ted Nugent arm-the-criminally-insane-to-the-teeth camp (TNC), aka, dumb and dumber. I can’t wait to hear the Tea Party’s view, but I fear even typing it might result in a fatal backfire. (Microsoft AK-47?)

Meanwhile, Obama and Biden’s rhetoric has only increased the guns on our streets. Nice job, gents. As I’ve said, this is a horrible time to attempt gun reform when you have so many, so paranoid, so fearful, so misinformed, and so ready to take up arms against a competent administration. Why not wait for an incompetent one? It’s odd, but when an idiot is in charge the GOP seems to relax and anxiety levels drop. Isn’t that paraFoxical? Sorry. The good news, it may be awhile before another Republican enters the Oval Office. Here’s why:

“I want someone smarter than me in office, yet the typical Foxeteer is always searching for someone dumber than them.”

—Mick Zano

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Hey, let’s hand the key to that big red button over to Sarah Palin and then they’ll all be well rested…er, right up until the giant explosions followed by the nuclear winter. Who can refutiate that?

Instead of ending with a Charleston Heston quote, let’s mix it up a little. Rock me, Dr. Zaius!

“The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago. If only people had listened to Mick Zano.”

—Dr. Zaius

Did I mention this was paraphrased?
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NASA Finally Tracking Quetzalcoatl’s Progress!

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"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner…and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or “the other three Fs” as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, “With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker.”

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

“It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa,” said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. “Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah.”

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, “I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something.”

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

“That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends,” said Bone. “So no harm done.”
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Alien Invaders Distressed Over Failed Apocalypse

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Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—Life forms from the distant planet Blog arrived on Earth last week only to discover the Mayan Apocalypse was a complete bust. The Blogganinians, a race of evolved gecko-like creatures, were quite shocked to find the Earth still functioning as usual and they were even more annoyed to find the human/feline alliance still as strong as ever.

I caught up to their leader, RrrrackaksarrinotickpthHhHhtththt-Jo, and his fellow space rangers drowning their sorrows and scooping human brains out of severed skulls at a local watering hole. It’s okay, that was the special that night.

Bone:So why are you so upset to find the Earth in one piece? Some of us are rather pleased to be alive.

R-Jo:No offense, Earthling, but we were hoping all of humanity and certainly all of those damn cats would be destroyed, then we could have dined on your corpses. Now, with all of you still alive, we’ll be lucky to eat a few dozen of you before we have to head back. And do you know how much it cost us to get here? Hell, my wives and I were going to claim this whole continent for ourselves, but I guess we can’t now. I mean who wants a place polluted by industrial apes, cluttered primitive combustion engines, and swarming with shitloads of those infernal cats!

Bone:Why do you hate cats so much?

R-Jo:Who doesn’t hate cats? They are the scourge of the Multiverse. Oh, and they eat lizards, cough up hair balls, shit inside, and think they are cooler than everyone else.

Bone:They sound like the guys I blog with.

R-Jo:Blog? Oh yes, Blogging. Yet another insult to our home world. Humans are almost as bad as cats. Oh, I’m a cat. Look, I can wash myself with my tongue…like that sounds healthy. Disgusting freaks. But, I must admit, this phenomenon was covered in a recent Crank featurevery thoroughly on that site of yours.

R-Jo:Can we ask you a question? Hold on a moment, Earthling. Wrrrrrracureamurmanure-Bob, put the bartender down. We aren’t supposed to eat the staff until they try to give us a bill, remember?

Bone:Ah, sure go ahead, just add it to Mr. Winslow’s tab. I’m sure he won’t mind as long as he paid off the new bullet train between his third copter pad and Big Uns Hooter’s Palace.

R-Jo:So why are you talking to us, especially seeing as how we’ll be eating you after we finish this pitcher?

Bone:I’m a servant of Yig so all reptiles are my allies or at least cool enough to follow on Twitter. Second, I’m going to post this interview on this blog I work for and—

R-Jo:There you go again, insulting our planet, Blog. Oh, our home world is just as important as a silly website on your primitive interweb. And why is everyone asking us about good car insurance deals? I don’t understand that one at all. Why not bang two rocks together while you piss in your loincloth, flea-eater?!

Bone:Cool it, man. I’ll let that one go, because you’re a reptile, but I don’t need any lip from a bunch of creatures who were hoping to feast on the corpses of our dead world.

R-Jo:I don’t have lips, you dirt farming, cat loving, warmblood. And its Yig’s fault the Apocalypse didn’t happen. I think he’s gone soft and is starting to like you pale-bellied bipeds.

It was about then I tossed my chicken wings into their faces and grabbed a chair. I was about to go to town, when I noticed Zano had excused himself to use the restroom and the Crank had walked out with his cell phone, mouthing, “I have to take this.” Then T-Ballz chose that moment to go order another pitcher.

Alone I faced the eight Blogganinians. Damn it, where were some cats when you needed them? I might have been a goner if Ballz hadn’t distracted them with a full pitcher. (It’s okay, he put it on Winslow’s tab.) Later, we smoked them out, but not before we managed to set up an Interplanetary Weed Initiative. Don’t worry, it’s all medical marijuana. Everyone at the Discord has glaucoma, honest. Apparently, pot’s legal everywhere in the Multiverse, except parts of the U.S. You see, the Blogganinians prescribe pot for their cat allergies as well. Too bad Winslow’s taking 95% of the profit, since the deal went down during Discord hours. At least he’s letting me and my cats crash in the gardening shack behind his sixth home after the gecko bastards destroyed my home.
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Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

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Putin Euthanizes All Russian Shelter Kittens and Puppies

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

“I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss,” said Putin. “I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit.”

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. “I hunted them down like dogs, literally,” said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. “I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them,” said Putin. “Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all.”

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of “Old People Tipping” occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.
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