Peter Strzok: Guy who texted something irrelevant to his girlfriend in 2016 trumps impeachment of a president.
Fox News: kissing ass and faking names.
AG Barr Holds Séance For Inspector Clouseau, Joe Friday, and Ian Flemming for Spygate Conspiracy Theory Inspiration
by Mick Zano •
AG William Barr is walking a tightrope between salvaging the last remnants of his reputation, and making something stick on the latest Hannity-spawned spy novel narrative. The inability to find anything truly damning is likely behind the delay in the release of the FISA report. Barr only needed a day to reduce Mueller’s work to: “No collusion, no obstruction,” but making up shit that people will be imprisoned for is a tougher task, even for assholes. Don’t fret, Republicans, those “scandals” did their job. How else would we have a republic-ending ass clown in office? Now their latest installment of Spygate, headed by John “Bullshit” Durham, has apparently uncovered some crimes. Double-spaced documents, improper use of headers, and even margin issues occurred at the highest levels of our intelligence community. There’s a slew of formatting atrocities that will break this case wide open.
And The Worst Discord Joke Of 2019 Goes To…
by Mick Zano •
Texas?! We Almost Had A Friggin’ Month
by Mick Zano •
In related news, man changing ‘Days since last mass shooting’ sign injuries himself falling off ladder.
It’s Hard To Plot A Revolution From A ‘Safe Space’
by Mick Zano •
Dear America, please don’t lure me back to those days when I despised both sides of the political aisle. It should be painfully obvious in 2019 that we have a fairly typical party and a wholly deplorable one. Despite this fact, the Eye of Zano is turning once again toward the Mountains of Blandness. The cognitive dissonance is becoming more pronounced on the left, as predicted …but, hey, at least they can pronounce something. It’s hard to remain optimistic when half of our Democratic hopefuls have no grasp of today’s issues and the other half are too old to articulate them. Congressional hearings are equally as disturbing when Republicans remain unsure of the main premise outside of last night’s Hannity segment, and liberals won’t cede their time to the prosecutorial ringers in the room because of their egos. Soundbite over country?
A Spiteful Trump Announces Next G7 Will Be Held At Barstow Motel 6
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—After mounting pressure from everyone everywhere, the president declared his Doral Miami resort would not be hosting next year’s G7 summit. In a presidential tweet The Donald declared the G7 would now be held in a seedy Motel 6 outside of Barstow, California. The White House released a statement that the town of Barstow has “plenty of land, numerous convenience stores, and is hailed as the Gateway To Bakersfield.” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) claims, “The venue decision was also motivated by digging up dirt on the Bidens, because there’s so much of it already out there.”
Dear America, Why Can’t We Have A Dictator As Cool As This?
by Mick Zano •
Trump Talks Turkey: There Are Good People On Both Sides Of The Genocide
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump is standing by his decision to continue to talk to world leaders unsupervised. The consequences of a U.S. vacuum in northern Syria came swiftly after a conversation with President Erdogan led to a Turkish incursion into Syria the very next tweet #ToKillaMockingKurd. Even republican politicians seem uncharacteristically critical of the president for these developments, not the least of which involves the potential escape of thousands of ISIS fighters from regional prisons. The president urged his critics today to “go fuck themselves,” before adding: “ISIS has given me good dirt on Hunter and Sleepy Joe, and they promised me a Caliphate Trump Tower! Since Rudy can’t handle these things anymore I’ve hired Springfield’s best lawyer, Lionel Hutz!”
Ellen Seen Out And About With A Second New Friend
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower Unleashes The Nazgûl To Hunt The Last Inspector Generals Of Men
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—As the subpoenas mount, President Trump has declared the Office of the Inspector General itself part of The Deep State, ISIS and possibly The View. The president is now charging the largest body of governmental oversight for passing along potentially “traitorous information.” In an effort to preempt anymore “salacious and unverified” reports from surfacing through normal whistleblower channels, nine Turmpwraiths vaulted from the top of Tweet Tower earlier today, each tasked with devouring one of the nine remaining OIG heads. The safety of each Inspector General is unclear at this hour, but the White House states this act is necessary to pave the way for a better, more robust whistleblower program. In an exclusive CNN Interview Rudy Giuliani said, “What is a Nazgûl? Why would the president unleash them? Of course he unleashed the Nazgûl! There are nine of them just hanging out under the North Portico basement, and he had nine potential OIG troublemakers, so what was he supposed to do? The Nazgûl are going to be the heroes when this is over.”
Former Security Adviser John Bolton Found Enriching Uranium In Basement
by Mick Zano •
Bethesda, MD—The International Kryptonic Energy Agency (IKEA) believes ousted National Security Adviser, John Bolton, is only 12-months from the development of a nuclear weapon. An exclusive McClatchy report has the undeclared uranium processing facility situated in Bolton’s basement between his washing machine and Nordic Track. Bolton maintains his efforts to develop a bomb are for “peaceful purposes only,” and he told the press today during a joint press conference with his Nordic Track that: “My home atomic energy efforts are to power my washing machine as well as my Nordic Track …you know, so I don’t have to.”
Trump Pressured Aladdin’s Genie Over Trump Tower Agrabah Deal
by Mick Zano •
South Agrabah—In another stunning abuse of power, a second released transcript shows President Trump demanding one more wish from Aladdin’s genie. According to the transcript, the president said, “I want another wish! This is treason, because I get a third wish!! I’m signing an executive order for another wish, right now!!! For my next wish, I want Prince Aladdin to grant me permission to build a Trump Tower in Agrabah.” The genie added under oath, “A world leader should be able to count to three. I told him, I said, you have three wishes, Mr. President, and one of them can’t be to wish for more wishes. He proceeded to wish that Biden would make more gaffes on the campaign trail, which was granted …for what it’s worth. He used his second wish to have his last tweet—the one he just hit send on while we were talking together—shifted directly to the WH private server. And for his third wish he wanted that Hillary IT guy to wipe the whole drive clean. He claims that was two parts of the same wish, but I called bleach bot. I mean, bullshit.”
Alien Children Separated From Their Parents At Roswell!
by Mick Zano •
Roswell, NM—The current governor of New Mexico, Michelle Lujan Grisham, is under fire for actions taken by her office many decades earlier when a UFO crash landed in the desert northwest of Roswell in 1947. There are also reports hovering around this story that the alien children were kept in cages and received poor medical care, which may be attributed to their reptilian circulatory system and almost machine-like neurophysiology.
In A Full Reversal, Trudeau Apologizes For Wearing White Face For The Last 1,418 Days In Office
by Mick Zano •
In a reversal many are calling an about blackface, the Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau donned his God-given skinnage and proceeded to apologize to Caucasians everywhere for wearing whiteface for the majority of his tenor in office. Conservatives and populists are calling his actions reverse racism, contra-skindicated, or, at the very least, an inappropriate skinverse relationship. Polls suggest, as a black man, Trudeau has increased his chances of maintaining the primeministership expo-epidermanentially. Yeah, I gotta get a day job.
Trump Floats Tracking Mentally Ill Via Cellphones, But Wouldn’t That Make The Secret Service’s Job Harder?
by Mick Zano •
We don’t need to track the mentally ill, Mr. President, they already self identify with bright red hats. Modern conservatism is a form of collective mental illness powered by a cluster of cognitive distortions, dysfunction, and dissonance, oh my. But I’m finally onto a cure, folks! Moron that in a bit. Meanwhile, I loved when Kellyanne Conway’s husband recently suggested Trump be dropped off at Walter Reed Hospital. The threshold for involuntary commitment is simple: is someone a danger to themselves or others? If the president arrived on my shift at the old crisis unit, my conversation with the Secret Service might go down something like this:
“Can someone keep the nuclear football safe until the president can be fully assessed? What? Yes, sir, he can still be on Twitter …under supervision. And you can bring him a Happy Meal, but he can’t have the toy …because it could be a choking hazard, or fashioned into a shank. A shank …just tell him, you know, what he’s trying to pay someone to do to his old lawyer in prison. Oh, and he’s going to have to relinquish his tie. Why? …well, for starters, you could hang everyone on the crisis unit with that thing.”
[Gallows Poll & Fit to be Tied jokes outsourced to China.]
Trump’s New Acting-Acting Science Advisor Calls Mars A “Shit Hole Planet”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The president’s new acting-acting head of All Things Science and the Dark Arts has denied NASA’s request for funding toward a future mission to the red planet. Henry ‘Henry’ Jackson told reporters today, “Unless you want to eat Matt Damon-style shit potatoes, there’s no reason to go all the way out to that shithole planet. Real estate markets suck there right now. We need to find planets that have oil, gold, coal, or at least a species we can attempt to police through aimless bullying. Think asteroids of gold, or planets of diamonds, or maybe a moon inhabited by those sex-crazed green chicks from Star Trek. Otherwise this president isn’t giving you shit …potatoes.”
The Coinciding Of Lead Singer’s Death With The GM Strike Deemed Suspicious
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—My Best Friend’s Girl is in custody at this hour after the passing of pop legend Ric Ocasek. The prime suspect in the death of the Cars lead singer, Candy O., told reporters today, “I’m Not The One. You Might Think I’m Crazy, but I’m not a Dangerous Type.” She then added, “It’s All Mixed Up and it has been Touch and Go, so I’m going for a Drive, because It’s All I Can Do.”
Vaping Industry Apologizes: Mission Statement Is To Kill Our Customers Much More Slowly
by Mick Zano •
A rash of mysterious respiratory illnesses, linked to vaping, has reached 33 states. The CDC is calling the outbreak a viral vaping virus, or VVV, which is an airborne, flavored disease that causes severe lungular malfunction, or what medical professionals call something else. One e-cigarette executive is speaking out, “A lot of these deaths are young people. We don’t want to get people hooked on our product and kill them before they have really good jobs. I mean, come on, who wants that?! Besides, think of the millions of people who haven’t croaked right away after using our products. So, let’s all just breathe a little easier and… uh, can you edit that last part out?”
Secret ‘Stache? Witnesses Claim Bolton’s Mustache Was Escorted From Premises Hours Before Firing
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The mystery surrounding the firing/resignation of John Bolton has taken another twist today as eyewitnesses report the former National Security Adviser’s mustache was escorted from White House grounds hours before his tenor officially ended. Bolton is denying that the president ripped the clump of hair off his face during a heated argument, but The Daily Discord has three separate sources from last night’s poker game claiming otherwise. Those close to Mr. Bolton report the two have since been reunited and the striking grey patch is once again situated between his nose and his mouth.