The Easter Story Cover Up

by Mick Zano • April 6, 2013

Washington, DC—If eyewitness accounts are accurate, on Easter Sunday President Barack Obama dove in front of the Easter Bunny after a car backfired near the White House. But why has his seemingly heroic act to save this holiday icon getting so little coverage? The lame stream media is completely ignoring this important story.

Christians immediately begged the question, would he have done the same for Jesus? Since the Easter Bunny is a pagan creation, symbolizing sexual prowess, many Christians believe Obama was simply protecting his Mojo. Is this further proof Obama is a hedonistic heathen?

Republican crackpot, Rick Santorum, also believes this supports his theory gay marriage leads to bestiality. “Look at the footage,” said Santorum. “While the children searched for treats, what exactly was Obama doing with the Easter Bunny in those bushes?”

Obama responded, “Santorum is splitting hares.” When the groaner received endless bad press, the President later told the press, “Just be glad I didn’t go with the ‘my Peter in his Cottontail’ joke. Heh heh.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • April 5, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL? OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, “I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!”

Sincerely,

The Ghetto “of all time!” Shaman

by Erisa Brahe • April 3, 2013

We stand on the cusp of a new era where man and machine will finally merge, creating an ultimate hive mind that does nothing but stare at cute cat pictures on the internet. While hover boards, flying cars, and moon bases seem distant dreams, there is something to be said for having a device that fits in your pocket and brings you porn on demand.

However, there’s hope on the tech horizon future as prosthetics developer, Second Sight, announced they have received FDA approval of the Argus II, a bionic retinal implant that has allowed blind patients to see again. Now you can honestly tell your children, “Yes, you can become a Geordi La Forge-Jason Russell Hybrid when you grow up.”

As interest in wearable technology increases, Google has already announced that it is developing a set of augmented reality glasses, which would allow the wearer to surf the web and complete other mobile computing with just their eyes. Dubbed Google Glass, their CEO has already apologized for future cross-eyed children, failed college classes, and vehicular damage caused when motorists “Surf and Drive.”

However, we at the Discord are looking even farther down the road. Coupled with Google Glasses, recipient of the Argus II implant have the potential to surf the web at any time. Stuck in a business meeting? Play Angry Birds with your eyes. Stuck making small talk with an annoying person? Bring up Redtube. They’ll be none the wiser unless you have tightfitting pants. Those with the Cyber Sight could even web surf in their sleep. Ride the Poptart Cat Rainbow in your dreams or let your subconscious become the start of its very own porno. The only limit is your own imagination and all the 404 error pages out there!

Of course while you are skull-fucking, the possibility of plugging any part of your brain to the internet creates the opportunity of cranial cyber-attack. You don’t want to open the wrong file on Piratebay and then end up bringing something home to your wife. The potential for these Cyber STDs (CSTDs) could be disastrous. HD VD? How is anyone going to be able to read any Discord articles if worms and trojans are taking up all available memory, downloading random things into your brain, or causing a total system shutdown?

Luckily, technology may be able to save us there as well. According to images recently leaked from the US Patents office, Apple may be developing a watch-like mobile device. Unofficially, named the iWatch by many Apple fans, this technology can finally allow us to have those Dick Tracy wristwatches we’ve been saving all those box tops for since the 50s. Coupled with microchip technology, the iWatch has the potential to monitor the wearer’s vitals, including blood sugar, cholesterol levels, and sperm count. It could detect a heart attack as its happening, bringing up helpful apps to help you update your will, count down the time you have left, and contact the priest, shaman or holy person of your choice.

The Discord has already claimed the trademarks to the iWill, iPriest, iYig, and iDeath apps…well, they would have but they had to go to the virtual pharmacy mall for some cyber ointment.

by Mick Zano • March 31, 2013

I think it rolled over by those people I just crushed

by Mick Zano • March 30, 2013

Local Man Remembers Middle School As "Being Larger"

Maplewood, MI—Upon returning to his old middle school after several decades, 39-year-old Christopher Pollock of St. Louis Missouri was “shocked that the shit back in middle school was so small.” Mr. Pollock remembers things being significantly larger, from hallways to lockers to hallway lockers.

Mr. Pollock is not alone as a recent study conducted by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, suggests %83 of those who visit their old schools report a similar phenomenon, or what Dr. Hogbein calls past sizeular disparities (PSD).

Dr. Hogbein believes there are two possible causes for this highly prevalent anomaly: this is evidence of mnemonic cognitive shrinkage (MCS), which purports our memories themselves are actually shrinking over time to make room for more recent memories. Dr. Hogbein’s second theory suggests our world is slowly getting smaller due to an ever increasing gravitational field around the Earth, which Dr. Hogbein refers to as “the gravitational field around the Earth.”

“Of these two theories I believe the least plausible,” said Hogbein. “I believe a strengthening gravitational field is actually causing our planet to implode in on itself, much like the Republican Party of today.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • March 29, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders

Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin’.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Alex Bone • March 28, 2013

Tucson, AZ—The shocking truth behind the link between dolphin abuse and Thai porn restaurants was recently discovered by Discord staff (quite by accident). I assure you we had no ideas those big black silhouettes of naked women had anything to do with porn. But with this story broke, the staff pledged not to rest until every porn establishment in the city was thoroughly investigated. It will mean long, late hours, with an increased expense budget, but that’s the dedication you’ve come to expect from this group.

We asked Mr. Winslow for enough extra funds to visit every restaurant in Tucson as well, but he didn’t buy the whole porn-restaurant connection. That’s where he was wrong…dead wrong.

Playing porn films in the background while engaged in fine dining is one thing, and usually quite lovely, but when dolphins get involved people have crossed a line that there’s no returning from, at least not without CPR.

I visited, Loo Hung Duk in the back room of his restaurant. While the moans of pleasure and bondage faded into the background, I was brought to the edge of the small dolphin pool he kept in his filming studio. He had this to say in his defense. “Everyone knows dolphins are wicked pissa smart. What, I grew up in Boston. Dolphins, humans, what’s the real difference? One lives in the ocean and has fins… oooooo, big deal. Besides, I think Dolphins are wicked hot.”

Moving closer to the pool he said, “Listen to this. Fah, what do you love best?”

“Fah, love porn,” the Dolphin said.

“That’s from that old George C. Scott movie!” I said.

“Yeah, what about it? I got the thing in a Hollywood auction in 1986. Say you’re a tall fellow and I think Fah likes you. When she balances a ball on her nose that’s a good sign.”

“What happens if she doesn’t like you?” I asked.

“A flipper to the groin, but don’t worry it would have happened already.”

When he told me how much he paid his ‘actors’ (free sesame chicken and all the beer I can drink in thirty minutes) how could I refuse? After all, I do work for the Discord.

So I lowered myself into the pool and Fah started to- (Edit)

After grabbing another beer, I went back into the pool and- (Edit)

Fah and I took the sesame chicken and rubbed it all over- (Edit)

A few minutes later- (Edit) and then we- (Edit) and I finished with a round of- (Edit). (Edit) and the sesame chicken was actually still pretty good. So if this report got to you gentle readers a little late, I apologize, because I’ve been hanging out with Fah a lot. I have never met anyone that could- (Edit) underwater. I might be in love.

All right, honestly she didn’t like me so I speak in a higher voice now, but I did get some free beer for my trouble. And my doctors are hopeful my testicles will descend again real soon. But, meanwhile, look for our newest videos Better than Mermaids, Behind The Green Aquarium, Deep Gill, Debbie Does Dolphin, Blow Hole Party 4, and My Purple Porpoise, where ever fine videos are sold.

by Mick Zano • March 27, 2013

Begun The Pope War Has!

by Mick Zano • March 26, 2013

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is calling for calm at this hour as The Daily Discord announced it’s going to be adding videos to its already despicable online repertoire. The unpopular e-zine, believed by some to be the work of the devil, is in its fourth year of publication which many feel is four years too long.

“There is still something called the 1^st Amendment,” said Obama. “Well, until next year (heh, heh). So we must honor all freedom of speech, even in such extreme cases as The Daily Discord. Of course, we have drones for extreme cases as well one Pierce Winslow of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Nice car by the way.”

Pierce Winslow is not blinking, which is more of a medical condition than any sign of testicular fortitude. But the CEO of The Daily Discord is downplaying a deal made in an alley on the south side of the tracks with one Greg Horn of Video Design Studios Inc.

“We’ve been looking at several options for expanding to videos,” said Winslow. “I was in contact with Pixar and Lucasfilm Ltd, but Greg works for beer so he was a shoe in…or, in this case, a brew in.”

Mick Zano and Alex Bone are heading the project from the Discord’s satellite office in Flagstaff, Arizona. “We thought about moving them all back to the east coast for this phase of the project,” said Winslow, “but they’re much harder to handle in person, especially when you add The Ghetto Shaman to the mix. I decided, like that Offspring song, to keep them separated.”

by The Crank • March 25, 2013

Mrs. Crank has of late voiced an opinion that we should be thinking about getting a firearm for personal protection. My first reaction was to ask, who was she and what had she done with the original Mrs. Crank? Visions of pod people and dopplecrankers danced in my head.

“Wait just a minute,” I said. “I know you. You are the wife that popped up when we bought the big screen TV and you wanted the ‘biggest one that they had’ as I recall. You are also the one that when I asked permission to purchase my very own Cadillac said, ‘It was the fattest-assed most ostentatious automobile I ever saw, so by all means, yes please.’” You are the multiple personality I like best. Please stay a while. Have coffee…

Getting back to the gun thing. As I have a long list of inherited health issues, not the least of which is tremors, the whole gun as a hobby thing was something I would momentarily think about and then envision many injured people within 100 feet of whatever I was ‘aiming’ at, complete with all the associated gore and blood. Then I would laugh and say no. Mrs. C, however, persisted so I agreed to do some investigating.

Everyone said the best way to touch/handle/feel many different types of guns was at a show. As there happened to be a show scheduled at our very own local football stadium/mothership, we elected to attend. We soon discovered at a gun show, cash is king…aka, leave the visa home. It’s useless as tits on a bull.

$17.00 per person to get in.

“Oh, you have no cash? Well there’s an ATM right over there that only charges you your firstborn child.”

Now let’s get one thing straight. This is a gun show in Arizona. I could not look more out of place if I were riding a fucking pink pony and singing Dixie Chicks’ songs. Short, wide, very Italian—with little tyrannosaurus type hands—I was vastly overdressed in my full set of teeth, chinos and golf shirt. As we walked in, my wife said to me it was a little disconcerting to see people all walking around with large firearms hanging from their necks and/or hips. No shit! As we approached our first of many booths, a tall cowboy hat-wearing dude asked me how he could be of help. As I was about halfway through my diatribe of “don’t know much ‘bout no guns,” he interrupted me.

“I have to tell you sir that you have the accent of someone who hails from a place where guns are not looked upon very kindly.”

This, dear wife, was going to be a LONG fucking day.

He asked me some questions he had prepared for just such an occasion, and I guess I answered them right. He seemed especially happy to hear that I loved the baby Jesus and NASCAR and hated the Evil Obama, and that I felt it was nobody’s business how many guns I had. I had passed the audition with flying colors. Whew, that was tough—especially as I was starting to attract an armed audience. Good thing I didn’t take the Prius. It was like some kind of bizarre game show. “Answer the questions right and proceed with your life.” Double Barrel Jeopardy?

We spent the next few hours going from booth to booth with the wife holding each and every handgun in the place. At one point, she started to repeatedly pull the trigger on one particular gun. I saw by the reaction of the gentleman tending the booth that that might just be just a wee bit frowned upon. I leant over to my wife and whispered, “Please do not pull any triggers, ever.”

“Why not?” she asked. “The guns are all empty.”

I told her that the look I was getting from the guy was making my sphincter clench. I swear I heard Dueling Banjos in the background.

What ended up getting her attention? As we approach a particular booth, I heard the unmistakable sound of electricity arcing. Tasers. She picked one up that said One Million Volts and pressed the button. The sound that erupted was enough to give Frankenstein priapism for a week.

CLZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.

Instead of being frightened or put off by the loud noise, I could see by her sly smile and the glint in her eye that she had found her protector. I think she wanted to name it. Sparky?

“I want this” she said.

So $40.00 later and a ‘free’ pepper spray and a ‘free’ mini folding knife and everyone was happy. All the ‘issues’ that come with gun ownership were sidestepped, but anyone looking to harm Mrs. C will not soon forget the associated testicle re-ascending experience (TRAE). Look up the term win-win and there is a picture of my smiling bride holding her new friend.

Oh, and I wouldn’t say to her “Don’t tase me, bro” either. Don’t make her angry; you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

One of the things I had to accomplish on the trip was an errand for my son. I needed to find a dealer close to my home for him. Two things attracted me to one particular booth. We shared an area code and their sign read:

“Clinging to our God and our Guns since 1979.”

Bingo. Guns AND a sense of humor. Perfect. On the table next to an absolutely evil looking weapon was a Bible. The dark side of me was reeeeally starting to like this lady. But as we prepared to leave, we hit one last booth. As I quickly perused the merchandise my eyes settled on something I was hoping she wouldn’t see…shit. She saw it.

A 38 cal. Sag Sauer ‘Red Lady” hand gun.

You’ll shoot your eye out, ma’am.

It was all pretty in red with fancy white scroll work, obviously made to be noticed by females. And it was. Thank the lord it was $760.00. We took the name and model # for future reference.

What did I get out of the experience? Where there are guns, there are usually knives. I like knives; I worked with them daily for 25 years (pre-tremor years). I saw some beauties too that I might want to add to my collection. We left unscathed and hit the drive through for some Butterburger on the way home.

“Would you like that for here or to go? Hey, is that a Taser? Don’t tase me, bro…(ha, ha, ha).”

“Oh, shit.”

the_crank@dailyDiscord.com

by Mick Zano • March 23, 2013

Voted Best Product 2012: Tens of Thousands of Zombie Feeders Recalled

Ronco is in hot water today as the massive recall of their new zombie brain feeder is staggering (pardon the pun). There are clear concerns about the safety of the feeders released in early 2010.

One family from Michigan had this to say, “The thing leaks. While we were setting it up in a tree, it oozed spinal fluid, blood, and bits of gray matter all over my children! I’ll bet that’s a biohazard.”

Shortly after installation another family from Des Moines was ravaged and turned into zombies themselves when they failed to secure a back door properly.

“They were a nice family and now they’re a bloody nuisance,” said a neighbor who knew the Hendersons. “I had to shoot one of them in the head, and eventually I’m guessing it’s more of the same for the rest of ‘em.”

One good note, the neighbor reports their own zombie feeder seems to “keep them amused for hours.”

Zombie rights activists claim it’s not actually feeding them, which is false advertising. They claim it is making a spectacle of all zombies and is clearly violating their living dead rights.

by The Ghetto Shaman • March 22, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo

Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven’t, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

by Mick Zano • March 21, 2013

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like…well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

I’d like to say I’m happy they finally identified this very real civil rights problem, but naaaah. They’re simply against all things Obama, never mind the fact their precious Patriot Act is the real culprit here. My precioussss. But let’s give Rand Paul some credit. He’s playing the libertarian card well with his recent protest, but one week earlier the majority of the GOP blessed the drone program. What the Pauls understand, but the rest of the GOP doesn’t, is the Patriot Act is at the heart of the problem.

In 2003 ninety percent of the GOP backed the Patriot Act. Yeah, they built that shit; they supported that shit; they loved that shit long time…um, until the black guy said, “Hey, what’s this? Can I play?”

Fast forward to today and each and every game Obama is making a number of three pointers on Al-Qaeda’s leadership. But in Bush’s defense, he did hit a foul shot once…oh, sorry, I’m being told that was an orphanage.

When Habeas corpus was indefinitely suspended in 2003, I remember yelling really loud. Yet no GOPers said a word….er, except Rand’s dad, Ron Paul. And I applauded him at the time too. But once you give up the right to an attorney and to due process Cheney’s secret prisons, secret police, enhanced interrogation techniques, and yes drone strikes anywhere on anyone becomes possible. Most of the Bill of Rights from that point forward became null and void.

Mem-mories…of that time you screwed the pooch.

Will Republicans have any meaningful revelations before their Revelations? Hey, I have an idea. Why not take off all your clothes and climb into a time bubble and go back to about 2002 and say to your younger selves, “Come with me if you want to vote!”

That’s why you never give that shit up in the first place. Under Bush’s Patriot Act, if you were deemed an enemy combatant or just darn unfriendly to our government, umm, you’re gone—moderate-Republican-type gone. Speaking of which, you know who’s hostile to the government? Ninety percent of all Republicans. Mr. Obama, I believe you know what to do.

As for what the GOP fears, whatev. They have the insight of a water chestnut after it’s been turned into a Panda Express entrée. I’ll have the orange chicken hawk, please. Look, when Ron Paul was bitching about this shit, the Right called him a kook. I remember this period and they apparently don’t, or as I like to call it…the usual. So it was constitutional then but it’s unconstitutional now because it’s being utilized effectively? Republicana remains completely devoid of any logical threads whatsoever, in fact, somewhere Socrates is ordering a double hemlock.

A reader recently commented on the subject:

“If this was going on with a republican in office you would be screaming that we are turning into a fascist state and Hitler was reborn, but there isn’t a peep out of you.”

Peep Alert:

2003 there were three people in the nation bitching about the Patriot Act, yours truly, Ron Paul and Russ F’n Feingold. And Russ never returned any of my sexts (probably because they didn’t exist yet).

I predicted no one, D or R, would ever restore the rule of law (2003), and mentioned it several times on The Discord (one here).

Then three weeks ago—just before Rand Paul’s last, er, rand—I said:

“And the one major thing going astray on his (Obama’s) watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem.”

—Mick Zano (article from way back in February 2013 here).

So this is immediately translated as, why don’t you get it? The main hint that I get it is the fact the Foxeteers don’t think I get it. Get it? Works every time.

Then the reader goes on to ask why I haven’t “prepared myself for the collapse of the country.” (Flashback alert.) Actually, knowing shit about stuff has afforded me many more years of paranoia with which to hoard and gather beer and…er…well, see “beer hoarding”.

Look, I am happy the GOP is not speaking in one voice anymore, but now they need to stop listening to the other one in their heads. I know you all despise the government, but you can block out their signals with a simple aluminum foil hat. I would prefer to focus on our biggest problem, the GOP. Almost every major disaster at home or abroad can be linked to them. Case in point, Dictionary.com has added a picture of our 113th Congress after the word dysfunctional.

Check out my article from 2009 Why I’m Planning to Stay in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat bugs. Bugs are an excellent source of protein and it really helps if, while you pop them in your mouth, you talk like Renfield. If that fails try some garlic and butter.

Wow, I reread that article and it contained some of my harshest criticism of Obama to date. Maybe I have given up on the whole rule of law returning thing, maybe I have drank the liberal Kool-Aid? Sure I predicted this, but why roll over and play Dem? Why? …well, because it’s better than the GOP’s Kool-Aid. That shit makes Jonestown’s taste like a bottle of Château Guiraud. At least some of the Dems policies and approaches have made sense to me over the years, which incidentally beats a resounding “never” from across the aisle, or as I put it last week:

“I’m sick of reaching across the aisle and then hearing a clown horn.”

—Mick Zano

That’s been my main point—having one party that never seems to make sense, regardless of the issue, isn’t working out horribly well. And if you look at the Dem’s missteps over the last fifteen years, we would still have a country. Add the Republican missteps to the mix and…

“So long and thanks for all the Fox.”

—Douglas Adams

The most recent Obama scandal is Woodward-gate (hey, that’s funny). Back in the day I had a modicum of respect for Bob Woodward. When he came out with his shitty book Bush at War I let it slide, but now you’re siding with those on an almost unprecedented wrongness streak? Geeh, I wonder how this one will turn out for you, Bob? I’m going to go out on a limb here…badly. Here’s the quote at the heart of the Woodward bullying controversy:

“I know you may not believe this, but as a friend, I think you will regret staking out that claim.”

And regret you will, sir. I’d wager most of the Foxeteers never heard the actual quote. I’ve been listening for it but real news on Fox is strangely elusive, like The Ghetto Shaman on urinalysis day.

Of course to the Foxeteers the actual quote is a “talking point” as they suffer from an advanced stage of afactophobia. There it is! A fact is scrolling across the marquee! AhHHhhhh! Squish it! Squish it!

I haven’t heard the whole Woodward quote on Fox News and I was listening for it. I only heard the bullshit extrapolation, over and over again. Who knows? Maybe Woodward did feel threatened, but if you offer the above quote as your only evidence…umm, Bob, you might be a Foxeteer. Face it, you liked the access and the cash and to keep it you eventually traded in your soul. You went from uber-journalist, to journalist, to pseudo-journalist, to Fox News Contributor.

Bernstein? Has anyone seen Carl Bernstein?…Beullerstein? Beullerstein?

But even after Woodward looked bad on this one, the damage was already done. Fox News doesn’t do retractions, so they made their political hay over the last couple of weeks and once the truth surfaces, no problem…they’re already focused on their next baseless claim. It’s what they do. In fact, it’s all they do.

Even When Comedians Catch Us Lying

We Don’t Do Retractions

I don’t think the GOP would be able to identify a proper scandal if it water boarded them and invaded the wrong country. Oh, and for those political masochists among you I went in depth into all the old Obama “scandals” here.

Our biggest problem is not the deficit, it’s our Congress. Frum gets it:

“We hear good news about the U.S. economy every day: housing recovering, household deleveraging, etc. etc. The biggest threat to US prosperity, however, is distinctly Italian-style: the political dysfunction that brings us unnecessary fiscal crisis after unnecessary fiscal crisis.”

—David (soon to be ejected from the tent) Frum

Sure, let’s sequester. The Republicans have always championed the most irresponsible cuts and the most reckless path. For some reason I have also remained somewhat fixated on the GOP’s straw man argument as a sub-theme, which is roughly:

“If only someone wonderful would emerge to represent us!”

The Republican National Committee Chair, Reince Priebus, just said the GOP has an image problem, is all (as covered by Slate). Dude? How do you polish a turd? Look, if David Frum—one of the last of a dying breed of sane Republicans—had some kind of momentum I’d say there was hope, but he doesn’t. What none of them seem to understand is smart/articulate/and the words conservative values are no longer meaningful. Peeps are fleeing your tent faster than Chris Christie from a NYC convenience store. Drop the Big Gulp, sir!

Speaking of Christie, he has an almost unheard of 73% approval rating in Joisey. He is the perfect man to sell the GOP message. Now all they have to do is find one. Oh, but he’s essentially been kicked out of the party too, so why are you still talking about Republican reform, guys? You’re getting C-fudge-PAC’d. Try something that might reach more people, like a Starbuck’s stich & bitch. You need to start something, in the immortal words of Monty Python, completely different.

Republicanism today stands for greed, ignorance, and an unswerving ability to conform to the prevailing prejudices. Who’s going to champion those causes? Oh, right, no one who could win a general election.

Marco Rubio can not save the GOP. Only a double dip recession will allow a Republican anywhere near the White House and by then this country will be tits up. When there’s no merit or substance at the root of any Republican cause, it means Rubio is facing a Herculean task. He would have better luck wresting that giant squid or cleaning up those stables. Jerkulese? If you want to attract insightful people to your party, invite Christie to the next CPAC and dump Palin.

Scandals: why they can’t identify any.

What I fear:

A. Terrible things that have already happened: (The Patriot Act, Citizen’s United, Torture, unnecessary wars, complete government dysfunction, the Great Recession.) I warned about all of these while they were happening, or prior to, but I admit I was thinking “depression” for that last one. So kudos, Mr. Obama.

B. Terrible things that are likely to happen: (climate change, continued mass extinctions, our inability to go transition to green energy, our government’s right to fill our skies with drones, Bush’s expansion of power will never be overturned, more Tea Party-style bond downgrades, an austerity only approach to our economy which will cause a double-dip recession, our increasing disparity of wealth will lead to revolution, and the release of future Twilight movies.)

What The GOP fears:

A. Things that will never happen: (The 2^nd Amendment is ending! Death Panels! Communism! Obama’s ties to the Muslim Brotherhood! Obama’s going to do away with term limits and rule us forever!)

B. Things that have already happened but who flippin’ cares? (Our demographics are changing! A Bush/Cheney style gun running program got someone killed! Obama’s wasting money on solar energy! Benghazi is a dangerous place! Faggots are teaching our children about tolerance! Colleges are making our kids liberals and smart and stuff! More people might be insured soon! AhHhhhhh!)

Get a grip…

The only thing the GOP has a point about is high deficits…er, created primarily by the GOP. Hey, and lest we forget, machines now do more of our work, yet we work longer, union-less hours further into our life spans for less money. Hooray Republicans! What do you do for your next trick?

Meanwhile, every second, the real money goes to fewer and fewer people. That’s actually happening, under D or R. So I want all the Foxeteers to look at the DOW, look at our increasing disparity of wealth numbers, and then look up the word socialism. Now smack yourselves in the back of the head.

A word on our 2nd amendment rights:

If you are not seriously mentally ill, or you haven’t shot anyone randomly in the face (Bush/Cheney joke omitted) you will always be allowed to carry a gun in this country…it may not be a bazooka, but if you all start bitching about enforcing background checks, I’m going to be forced to tell that joke.

Oh, and as for the bigger fish currently frying:

Someone with a high school level understanding of science should be able to look at this chart which covers the last 11,000 years on our planet—or the one I posted here about total peer reviewed studies on the subject—and immediately go, “Oh, guess I’ve been wrong about this one.” But they can’t…and that’s the story. This one is a tad important. For something that isn’t important, turn on Fox News.

Even if you’ve never seen these charts or understand them, the fabled Northwest Passage is now navigable for the first time in recorded history and sea levels are clearly rising. So even if you don’t believe science, do you believe your own eyes? Or, more importantly:

“Do you believe in life after Fox?”

—Cher

Yet the GOP remains impervious to reality. Humanity faces many issues, the ending of the 2nd Amendment in the USA is not one of them. If a decade from now the Earth gets 10 degrees hotter, one group would be saying, “It’s because we let faggots marry.” And don’t worry, I guarantee you—guarantee you—you will still own a gun with which you can shoot your face off before you starve or melt.

“From my warm, wrong hands”

—Wayne LaPierre

Dear GOP,

For the good of—not only this country but for mankind—disband.

Sincerely,

Earth

The GOP is always ALWAYS years behind on any given subject. Trust me on this, no one is going to reign in Obama until the freak show dies. They are a useless distraction at this point, like Congressional sessions and car blinkers.

People ask me why I keep covering the Right and not the Left. Well, one side has some journalistic integrity, the other has none. One side addresses some real problems, the other side either doesn’t or makes shit up. Even yours truly, a spoof news blogger, was reigning in Keith Olbermann years ago for his Hannityesque antics, here—as were many others on the left—and now he can’t get a job. Meanwhile his counterpart on Fox, Sean Hannnity, is king. And many key Dems are starting to question drone oversight here. I’m not saying they’re doing a great job but there is clearly limits to their madness and least some connections can be drawn to their policies and to something I like to call reality.

Yet no one on the Right can ever seem to reign in the Breitbarts of the world, except God I guess. Speaking of which, God can kill anyone abroad or on American soil without any oversight whatsoever. Why do Republicans insist on defending this fascist’s deity’s behavior? Isn’t it time we identified our real enemy? God.

Due to their confounding rigidity of thought, the GOP has become an inept group of zealots almost completely devoid of merit. They remain a disgrace.

Or as Andrew Sullivan put it:

“No entity in our polity right now is more radical and revolutionary than the current GOP: their contempt for institutional custom knows few bounds when it comes to the short-term tactical possibility of impeding even a newly re-elected president, after losing the popular vote for the presidency, Senate and House.”

—Andrew Sullivan

The Foxeteers, the Fighting 26%, continue to ignore science, historians, and scholars and, more importantly, Mick Zano. Good luck with that. But before I sign off I would like to take the time to thank the Republican Party…er, for not listening to me over the years. The entire GOP has dropped to a 26% approval rating. I think if every GOPer meditated once a day and read David Frum or Andrew Sullivan, for at least fifteen minutes, we could have rational conversations with them again. I know I give my friends on the right side of the aisle a hard time, but thankfully some of them seem to be drifting toward a “pox on both your houses” stance, which is a far more respectable position. Know hope.

“Obscure metaphysical explanation to cover their sick ideology and failed economic policies, reasons Drudged out of the shadows to explain away that which cannot be explained. Call it a parallel political plane or just insanity. Whatever it is, you can find it in the TwiRight Zone.”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Well, maybe a smidge)

by Mick Zano • March 20, 2013

How do we sell our bad ideas to a broader audience?

by Mick Zano • March 19, 2013

Putin Downplaying Lake Vostok Zombie Outbreak

Antarctica—Shortly after the discovery of a new bacteria in an ancient lake buried miles in the ice, all contact was lost with the Vostok Research Facility. The Russian facility, located on the Antarctic ice sheet, had managed to drill through nearly two miles of sub glacial ice before inadvertently releasing an unknown bacteria into the air. It is described as a flesh eating bacteria, but those infected apparently do all the eating.

Russian President Vladimir Putin remains adamant this not a zombie outbreak. “Those exposed essentially die and are immediately resurrected with an insatiable craving to feed, but we have the situation contained,” said Putin, who is denying allegations he has turned the area into his own Wildlife Preserve and Zombie Hunting Range.

Russian officials also claim the last picture received from the facility (depicted above) was a bit of a false alarm. “The scientists were simply watching John Carpenter’s The Thing on Netflix,” said Putin. “In the image prior the scientists were drinking vodka and eating popcorn. But stay tuned as I will be sending back shirtless images of myself shooting zombies from my bobsled.”

In a rare form of journalistic clairvoyance, The Discord’s own Erisa Brahe already predicted such an outbreak at that precise location here. CEO Pierce Winslow said, “This is not the first time we’ve been out in front of the news. Although usually we’re behind the news, Deliverance style.”

by Alex Bone • March 18, 2013

New York, NY—In an unprecedented move, Amazon.com has purchased all the major grocery store chains throughout the United States and Canada. Soon after they will all be closing all of these other companies so that online sales will reign supreme! Many citizens were shocked by this development and became concerned that their family would go hungry, but Amazon quickly reassured them their fear was both unwarranted and unauthorized.

I caught up to Amazon spokesman, William Lynn, and he enlightened me on his corporation’s move. We then discussed, at length, his “why Jesus was a cannibal” theory.

Mr. Lynn said, “Once people adapt to this change, they will fall into a new routine or die, I guess. Zombies, I mean consumers, will just need to figure out all of their foodular needs and order it from Amazon in advance. It will be shipped to their homes in about three weeks. Just think, no lines, no hassle, and less of a carbon footprint. Anyone who doesn’t like this is a nature hater who should be stoned to death for wanting to destroy our planet!”

When I asked him how much weed that would take, he stared and said, “You’ll have to wait until we buy out the drug cartels next month. And back to that Jesus being a cannibal thing, that’s why we are asked to partake of his flesh. Get it? A lot of biblical scholars understand. I think a Gnostic gospel once said, ‘Let there be brains!’ or maybe it was ‘let them eat brains!’—it was something like that. Noah took only two of every creature, so what did they eat on his ark for all that time? What was in surplus? Noah’s kids. Duh. Oh, let’s eat the only two giraffes on the planet. I don’t think so.”

For a different perspective, I discussed this change with a social worker from the Bronx named Belinda Heart. “What Amazon fails to realize is that many consumers aren’t members of PayPal or even have a computer for that matter. Some folks don’t even own smart phones or know how to open email. This could have a devastating effect on those already IBMpoverished.”

Lynn responded by saying, “You’ve heard of Darwin, right? You’ve heard of Gates, right? It’s survival of the techists. They had better step up to the 21st century if they don’t want to eat giraffe burgers.”

Amazon later retracted that statement and replaced it with, “Obama has already expanded his food stamp program to accommodate the technologically impaired.”

Others have voiced concerns as well, such as Abby Arms from the Fitness Impaired Institute of Litigation, Lawyers, Educators, and Defendants (F.I.I.L.L.E. D.). She also works with the Organization of Underachieving Televisionists (O.U.T.). Working together for the first time in history, F.I.I.L.L.E.D.-O.U.T. is taking on Amazon and their e-food challenge.

One consumer said, “I tried this last month but then, on an impulse buy, I spent several weeks eating 31 boxes of Oreo Cookies and 16 cartons of vanilla ice cream. I wasn’t complaining…initially.”

Other individuals and organizations have expressed concern over the foods freshness and have wondered how Amazon will handle postal refrigeration (PF). Amazon told these potential critics to “stop trying to comprehend things they weren’t meant to understand and just watch Fox News.”

Amazon also pointed out how people with lower incomes can buy the Food Kindle, where they will be able to download pictures of any type of food for only 99 cents a pop.

“We should also be releasing a Soylent Green App, hopefully soon. We’re already testing out the prototype in parts of Africa.”

Lynn closed by saying, “Now that we’ve already hastened the demise of such great American icons such as the book, the video, and the record store, the grocery store seemed like the next logical target. Yeah, we already bought Target. After we take over the illegal drug trade, all future restaurant chains and taverns will be online. We have an ale app pending. We also have some lawyers working on making online dating mandatory. Yes, eventually it will be e-Harmony or e-Celibacy. Take your pick. This is an exciting time we live in. Soon the only reason you will have to leave the house will be to work at your jobs, which will allow you just enough money to line our e-pockets.”

by Pierce Winslow • March 17, 2013

Beats their “Deliverance” version

by Mick Zano • March 16, 2013

Vatican City—In a stunning turn of events, the Vatican announced today that Pope Francis did not pass his background check. The Vatican Human Resources department was quick to blame the error on an intern. Unable to name a new Pope, the Vatican has decided to close its doors forever. An American retail company, Target Corporation, is finalizing a deal to purchase the Vatican directly from God. According to the locum Pope, Cardinal Pompous IV, a series of sales will soon be in place to purchase all kinds of Catholic memorabilia. The Vatican, in conjunction with a new e-commerce business known as PayPope, will allow direct online sales for all of your papal crapal needs.

Pompous IV told reporters, “There are full warehouses that must go! We have Pope remains beatified and mummified for your protection. You could get Peter. You could get Paul. So come on down. Hell, some of us even think we’re going to find Jesus himself in one of these crates! Won’t that be a surprise?”

The faithful are conflicted about recent events. One woman from Monterey said, “I really don’t want to see the utter collapse of the Catholic Church, but if the Ark of the Covenant shows up on eBay, well, holy shit is right!”

In the coming days so many historic answers may be revealed, as the most sacred regalia is only broken out for the annual Blood of Christ party. “Yeah, we don’t know what most of this shit is,” said P-Dog IV. “We only know it’s really old and makes for a great dress up day.”

by The Ghetto Shaman • March 15, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It’s also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?