Ninja Porn Now Available On The Discord

by Mick Zano • June 9, 2013

Spot the naked ninjas for cash prizes!

by Pierce Winslow • June 8, 2013

Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy. Furthermore, the intern who wrote “Poop Francis” has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)…and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well. Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

by The Crank • June 6, 2013

Phoenix, AZ—After meeting Mick and entourage at a pool party on the surface of the sun, we decided to go see the new Star Trek movie the next day, en masse. As my lovely bride and I waited outside the theater the next morning, it was then I remembered that Micko doesn’t really do mornings, per se. He is more of a crack-of-nooner, as it were.

What to my surprise should appear but a bearded Mick and entourage, all bright-eyed and, well bright-eyed was enough… We got our tickets, our obligatory 55 gallon drum of soda and pail of popcorn, paid a small fortune, cursed, and went inside.

PopKAAAAAHRN!!!! Sorry. Spoiler alert.

I have to say this up front. I am a fan of the stupid original series, in all its stupid stupidity—moronic story lines and all. Gene Rodenberry was not a genius foreteller of the future. I will get much heat for this, but here it goes:

Gene Rodenberry was a chain-smoking ex-cop who had one great idea at the absolute right time, and milked it for all it was worth, never passing up a strange piece of ass in the process, even though he managed to stay somewhat happily married.

I also want you all to know this, I am a big fan of New Zealand’s Karl Urban, back to his Hercules and Xena guest rolls. I also feel he is good as Bones, but a bit of a waste. He is reduced in this film to repeating all the same old cliché lines that were badly written for Deforest Isonfire. If you want to see Karl being, well, Karl, see the remake of Judge Dredd. Blows Stallone away. He makes Stallone an Expendable… What? Too Over the Top?

It seems as though Simon Pegg got a better contract. He has more lines and slightly more meaningful ones. He just needs to put on a few pounds. And he is WAY too happy to be a real Scotsman. We all know they threw Craig Ferguson out of Scotland for being jolly.

Jon Cho’s Sulu is like Bones, almost invisible. Apparently, in the Star Trek world, it pays to have breasts. Zoe Saldana as Uhura was great. She gave the original character much more depth. And her “affair” with Spock is somehow totally believable.

I do feel as though they hit the mark with Chris Pine and Zak Quinto. They ARE Kirk and Spock, only more realistic.

Micko says that he thought some of the old back and forth banter was “corny”. I disagree (surprise). I feel a little corny is what the original was all about, and I feel omitting all the corny would have hurt the movie. Trekkers of the Corn?

See? Totally necessary.

These lines are also somewhat better written than Bones’ or Sulu’s. Mick and I do agree that some of the special effects were awe inspiring. All that being said, I want to know why they fucked with the final scenes. I will not spoil it for those who have not yet seen it, but boy do they fuck with one of the most memorable scenes in Star Trek History. Now go see it.

Crank Long and Popcorn.

by Mick Zano • June 5, 2013

Never mind; drone strike successful

by Mick Zano • June 4, 2013

Bloomberg Responds to <i>Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich” /></td>
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New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.

“This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before,” said Bloomberg. “They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!”

In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, “Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway.”

Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a “mercy killing”.

“Look, they’d die soon anyway,” said Bloomberg, “and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs.”

by Erisa Brahe • June 3, 2013

The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be. There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word “Star” in their name. Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

Remember the fire ant? They were our frighteningly violent new neighbors. They would pop up in our yards where we least expect it, chew on our electrical equipment, and set fire to man and beast alike with their evil stings. We loathed them. We feared Them! And now, we’ll do anything to have them back.

Yes, something is driving out and eradicating whole colonies of our fine six-legged friends. Enter the Raspberry Crazy Ant (Nylanderia fulva). And we’re not talking about your Aunt Babsy coming home for Thanksgiving with a fifth of vodka. It’s not that kind of aunt. These ants initially seem harmless enough; they don’t sting and from a distance they travel in stumbling drunken patterns not unlike the Ghetto Shaman after last call. It makes you wonder how they are even able to find your house at all. But once they’ve found you—much like Aunt Babsy after that fifth of vodka—it’s impossible to get them to leave.

Sure fire ant stings cause a unique sort of pain that blazes like a million suns and, sure, once in a while someone would die of anaphylactic shock, but they were the psycho-killer insects we knew. Much like knowing you’ll get mugged in that dark alley, fire ants were in the places we expected. They live in highly visible, politely cone-shaped mounds out in the yard—mounds you only stepped on if you wanted to die.

Crazy ants, on the other pincher, move in and set up meth labs in the basement. They multiply in rapid numbers, eating everything from wood to insulation to the Discord pot supply (don’t laugh. That could really effect material). They’re in our yards and our houses, decimating perfectly clean and happy suburban neighborhoods. I’m back to the ants again; I know the Discord crew can do that too…it’s why I’m distancing myself from them.

What’s worse, the crazy ants are so hopped up on the chemicals that they consume right in our homes—the stuff even the most ruthless fire ant colonies fear—they now seem even angrier and crazier. I’m talking about the Discord staff this time. They need help.

Some reports even suggest these crazy ant MFs are using the insecticide as sustenance. They’ve also been spotted carrying away small vertebrates…like lizards, mice, and newborn babies.

A raspberry crazy ant took my baby! Hmm. It does have a nice ring to it.

I’m assuming their recent behavior is to study us and exploit our weaknesses. Did I mention they do have a lot in common with the Discord staff? Now if only they could carry away Aunt Babsy. She’s passed out on the floor again… and she’s far from being a small vertebrate.

A dingo took my Babsy! Hmm. I can make this work…

by Mick Zano • June 2, 2013

We could see all the way to the GOP base

by Mick Zano • June 1, 2013

Threatening Letters to Bloomberg Test Positive for Saccharin

New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, “People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!” He then turned to a heckler and said, “Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum…don’t even get me started on gum!”

by The Ghetto Shaman • May 31, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner

Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or…no, that’s the only way.

by Mick Zano • May 30, 2013

Somehow it looks suspiciously droopy

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed? Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east. In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time). On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words “enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed”. Below were the words “Proven Effective”. Proven, not just “studies suggest”, or “emerging research indicates”, but “proven” to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch. What the heck? I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items. Who is? But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed? I immediately envisioned one of those shady accident lawyers warning: “Have you or loved one ever tried to enhance your sex lives with Horny Goat Weed? If your testicles turned several shades of red and then exploded in the aftermath, you may be eligible for a large cash reward.”

I couldn’t handle that—I hate those commercials.

Is Horny Goat Weed too good to be true? Is it just a pipe dream? (Pardon the unintentional imagery.) How does it work? Is it flown in from the jungles of South America, or is it growing wild in my own backyard? Is it something the Ghetto Shaman swears by? What is the side effect profile? Is it safe to take with a bottle of Xanax and a bucket of Slurm? Was it worth my last three quarters, or should I go with the old stand by, the ribbed French tickler? Decisions in the back of greasy truck stops can change the course of history. Some call this the latexfly effect. OK, I just made that up, but now that it’s bandying about the morphic resonance, who knows?

My laptop is my trusty companion, my Samwise Tonto if you will, and the baby changing station has, no doubt, witnessed many an unsavory act, except the changing of a baby. In fact, using this ‘station’ for its original intent would now probably constitute a phone call to Child Protective Services. In a pinch, it worked nicely as a laptop table. The chances of getting online in the middle of the southern Nevada desert is about the same chance as some trucker saying, “Excuse me, sir, do you mind? I’m trying to change my baby.” If, by some divine inter-net-vention, I were to get online in this stink pit, I would probably be breaking some fundamental law of the Universe by not searching porn. Civilizations rise or fall on the decisions made in greasy truck…sorry.

Alas, the gods mock me. The search for more pertinent information about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait until I was comfortably situated in my hotel room.

The next morning, to my horror, I discovered the Monte Carlo—in the heart of Las Vegas, Nevada—has only pay internet. The nagging question about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait. As the day wore on, the question became more of a burning sensation, a sensation that made me question the effectiveness of 75 cent French ticklers in the first place. As it turns out, the internet is not free in any of the major hotel/casinos downtown. When Las Vegas falls, I must remember to fiddle.

Bald Tony arrived, but the booze and Thai hookers would have to wait; I needed answers and possibly ointments. Failing miserably, all day, at getting anywhere with my web search, I gave Bald Tony explicit orders what to Google and to print out the results before returning to the Monte Carlo (under pain of death). True to his word, Tony completely forgot. So the next day, my curiosity about this strange but promising product had reached a fevered pitch, possibly C minor.

[Scene missing for drunken Thai hooker orgy]

Sunday morning, Tony handed me three sheets of paper. I scanned the documents with both fear and wonder. Horny Goat Weed pertains to Chinese Herbalism (aka, ancient Chinese secret) and it goes by the name Epimedium Sagittatum, which is Latin for ‘Sir, your goat is humping my leg.’ Twelve minutes and two pages later I felt like an expert on what certainly sounded like some good clean, herb-induced boneage. But let’s get one thing straight; this is not your father’s Viagra…for one thing it’s called Horny Goat Weed and that, in and of itself, is worth risking your scrotum’s future. And, if it ever fails, my offspring may be eligible for a large cash reward. How could two billion China balls be wrong? So my last three quarters may well be ‘change to believe in.’

Bald Tony, looking somewhat balder on this sunny Vegas morning, also arrived with a warning. If you wish to verify the validity of any of this information, Tony strongly suggests implementing the safe-search feature on your web-surfing preferences when Googling the words ‘Horny Goat Weed.’ Otherwise, if you’re not careful, your eyes could melt out of your head like the end of that Raiders of the Lost Ark movie.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a dollar fifty worth of rest room novelty items on the line…

Onward to Vegas baby, and Vegas baby changing stations!

by Mick Zano • May 29, 2013

Ghetto Shaman Vows to be the First to Fly 23-Ton Lego X-Wing Model

by Mick Zano • May 28, 2013

George W. Bush Climbs Rubble in Bangladesh

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, “I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!”

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere…well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

by Mick Zano • May 27, 2013

Whenever a major apparition is captured on film, you can bet the Discord’s Ghost Blunders are there…um, or at least sleeping down the hall. My daughter captured the best image to date with her iPhone, several feet from my bedroom. Did I mention I’m her inspiration for ghost hunting? Okay, she thinks I’m an idiot but, hey, I paid for the iPhone that took the image. So there. Click to see this truly creepy picture!

Here’s the story:

One morning my daughter, Alley Zano, explains how the night before while half asleep she saw a little ghost girl sitting watching television. The ghost was facing the television while resting comfortably on my daughter’s very own Archie Bunker chair (old reference alert). So I immediately explained the unreliability of half states and how hypnopompic and hypnogogic hallucinations are often associated with the semi-conscious mind.

She then stops me, “No, dad. I took a picture of her.”

Great…I travel all over the southwest doing important para-abnormal investigations and I’m about to be bested by my own kiddo…in my own condo…with her I-something that I purchased. Alley looked at the ghost, leaned over the railing of her bunk-style bed and snapped this picture before drifting back to sleep.

Ghost Busted: Team Discord Bested by Rank Amateur

So she sees something, snaps the picture, and then there’s something in the image. That takes the cake for The Ghost Blunders. I immediately fired the rest of my team: Alex Bone, Tony Ballz, and Cokie McGrath. I’m a blamer, after all. Hell, we’ve been in the market for a new Cokie anyway, ever since “The Prescott Incident” here.

When I enlarged the image, I immediately saw the little skull face at the bottom of this mongo-sized orb. Not everyone sees the face right away; it’s kind of like the movie Mall Rats—stare at the picture until you see the sailboat.

Here’s the blown-up image:

To me it looks like the skull face from the Evil Dead 2 poster. Do you see it yet? Yikes!

“Not another peep, time to go to sleep.”

Speaking of sleep, I asked my daughter if this strange occurrence would make her afraid to go to bed at night. She said, “No, it’s cool. I see dead people.” I’m glad she’s such a trooper. Of course, I now sleep in my Impala parked on the driveway (with the dome light on).

Not only does she get one of the best ghost pictures, ever, she totally blows my own theory out of the water in the process. I believe paranormal images are created through beer, or what I have come to refer to as ecto-pilsner—ecto-pilsner is a beerular energy as yet unidentified by science. It’s my life’s work. But there’s no beer in her room! Well, she is 13, so maybe I had better check.

Of course, the ghost girl started showing up right after we upgraded to the 42-inch flat screen. We just gave Alley’s room a makeover and she must approve of the renovations. My daughter explained she usually has these encounters with ghost girl when Honey Boo-Boo or other reality television shows are on. I guess somewhere Siskel and now Ebert are giving afterlife television two thumbs down. Hey, can I claim a tax break by adding another dependent? I don’t know much about paranormal tax returns, but I feel I am owed something for these constant intrusions.

Okay, okay that last paragraph is bullshit, but the image and the rest of the story is accurate. You see, I’m a “spoof” ghost investigator. My daughter apparently hasn’t gotten that memo. The image has not been enhanced or photoshopped in any way. It’s kind of like our situation in the Weatherford Hotel. The Ghost Blunders have held regular meetings at the Zane Grey ballroom for many years. Only recently, however, did we discover the very table where we plot and plan our ghost adventures is, in fact, haunted. Yeah, I as I said in the story here, not much gets by us…and by not much I mean everything.

I guess I have to start bringing Alley along on our investigations. Anything would be an improvement, I suppose. Here’s the video preview for our Weatherford ghost investigation. Now this part may have been doctored. Enjoy.

by Mick Zano • May 26, 2013

Operation Shock and Wedgie to commence

by Mick Zano • May 25, 2013

GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47

Honduras—Three years ago the GOP outsourced scandal-creation to a company based out of a sex and organ-trafficking sweatshop in an area of Honduras known as the Badlands. The GOP is not happy with the quality of the scandals they’re receiving, nor the quantity. Yesterday the largest creator of imaginary scandals for republicans collapsed, killing 47 workers.

House majority leader John Boehner, saddened by the news, sprang into action, “We are in daily contact with the facility’s management and every step is being taken to shift production to a more suitable location.”

When asked about the deaths, Boehner said, “They’re not Americans; am I missing something? Look, creating these scandals so far south…let’s just say, we’ve made the most political hay possible with those received, but American made Obama scandals would be more ideal—and we need em’. Hell, we’re starting to look like idiots. I don’t even understand the Benghazi thing and we paid top dollar for that crap. Then they tried to make good by selling us the IRS scandal, which has no links to the White House. We’re returning that shit. And don’t even get me started on ACORN and that birth certificate thing. That was a twofer, F#@%king Hondurans.”

The GOP’s long term goal is to pass the Affordable Scandal Act while simultaneously lowering the minimum wage so that scandal-creating factories can be successful built right here in the United States.

by The Ghetto Shaman • May 24, 2013

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine

Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

by Alex Bone • May 23, 2013

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord Tower is under siege at this hour by America’s Western Crawdad Warfront Against the Repulsive Daily Discord (A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D.). CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is currently holed up in his ivory tower. He’s trying to electrify the outside of the building to thwart the attacking crawdads as he apparently “saw it once on a Star Trek episode.”

Kenny the Crawdad, best known for his posters promoting pre-adolescent smokers, said A.W.C.W.A.R.D.D. is gearing up to, “Use any means at our disposal to fight against Alex Bone and his crawdad hating lackeys at the Discord. And remember kids, smoking is cool.”

Dr. William Lynn, a spokesman for the crawfish and advocate for mandatory euthanasia for the ugly, said, “Alex Bone has not only been boiling my clients alive and then eating their flesh, he is also very vocal in his tirades against these peaceful aquatic invertebrates.”

Lynn told the press, “First off, we would like to see Alex Bone fired from the Discord and then pinched really hard over and over again for a week. The crawdads want him to be stripped naked, covered in butter, and then forced to wear a crawdad suit for a month while holding a sign stating how much he hates all snakes and Yig.”

This just in:

The crawdads have grown bored and are scurrying away from the Discord Tower at this hour—as Mr. Winslow took his fourth two week vacation this month and isn’t even there.

As many readers are already aware, we need to be preparing for humanity’s final battle against the tripartite of evil, which is the Dark Alliance between the Crawdads, Migo, and Zombies. There is further information located here and here on this important matter.

Crawdads are an invasive species destroying ecosystem after ecosystem. Hell, they’re worse than Republicans. They need to be stopped! Do your part, Citizen. Get some nets and purchase some bulk butter at Costco. Don’t worry if you don’ have a license, just explain to the park ranger you are fighting the good fight for Yig and for all of mankind.

And remember:

Service Guarantees Citizenship

by Mick Zano • May 22, 2013

“We are not ruling out Obama’s role in the blight of 1690” — Mitch McConnell

by Mick Zano • May 20, 2013

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called “the media”.

Republicans have successfully painted a four year narrative that brings Obama down to the level of Satan. Bravo.

And perception is reality (ask Joseph Goebbels). There are scores of people in Real America who think this week’s events mark Obama’s 27^th, 28^th and 29^th scandal, respectively. He’s losing the War of Ideers’. No wonder he’s desperately trying to fund education.

Here’s what we’ve learned after covering Benghazi since the late Pleistocene:

The State Department and the CIA had a difference of opinion on how best to present the embassy attack to the media. Wow, deep linguistic stuff involving verbiage.

“You have to bend yourself into several pretzels to even understand what the Benghazi thing is about. All the emails Obama And Turkish PM Erdogan Meet At The White House released show what amounts to a classic inter-agency conflict, resolved dispassionately by Ben Rhodes, in a period of considerable confusion.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

Or, as the GOP put it, “Impeach Obama!”

This has been a witch hunt from the get-go. Here’s the recap of the Hillary witch trial:

It’s the lead up to Benghazi! No wait, we blocked the security funding for that.
It’s what Obama didn’t say the next day in the Rose Garden! Oh, wait he called it terrorism. Shit.
It was…oh wait, the independent investigation found no wrongdoing.
Wait, I know! In hindsight, we could have saved those people! Really? …we couldn’t have?
Umm, I got it, they’re hiding the truth!

…which I addressed recently here:

“Yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened over there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!”

—Mick Zano as Barack Obama

I can’t wait to hear the rest of the alphabet. This isn’t about keeping future embassies safe. The truth is the Obama Administration is being PC. They are quite averse to creating terrorism through ignorance (QTTI). Abu Ghraib likely created more terrorists than Bush ever captured or killed. Obama, not one to repeat a mistake, wants to avoid spiking American hatred in the Middle East needlessly. In fact, that’s a primary reason I voted for him, or…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!

Meanwhile, the GOP is calling this Watergate. They were calling it that before the…umm, nice-Libyans-who accidentally-killed-us even left the embassy. I guess they just smelled a scandal.

Fun Fact: frequent meth use can result in olfactory hallucinations and can permanently damage one’s sense of scandals. Have that checked out.

“[T]he one advice I give to Republicans is stop calling [Benghazi] a huge scandal. Stop saying it’s a Watergate. Stop saying it’s Iran Contra. Let the facts speak for themselves. Have a special committee, a select committee. The facts will speak for themselves. Pile them on but don’t exaggerate.”

—Charles Krauthammer

Later Roger Ailes pulled Charles aside and said, “Psst. We don’t do that here but, don’t worry, our viewers don’t seem to notice.”

“This whole thing with Fox (on Benghazi) would be funny if it weren’t so damaging. A lot of people only watch Fox News, and while it’s easy to mock Fox for being so reality-deficient, so clearly wrong so often, the fact is for millions of people Fox is their sole news source.”

—David Weigel, Slate Magazine

Yes, there is something under this stone, and it’s you! The biggest part of this “scandal” is an email from the State Department that turned out to be doctored bullshit, here. And, even if the initial reports of this insidious wording proved true, it would still rate a whopping:

Scandal Level raised to who gives a flying F—?!

I am not making light of this situation, but after reading dozens of related articles, if we do run out of helium I think this scandal could be a backup source. The real story, as usual, is how fewer and fewer republicans exist outside of the bubble. Did you ever see The Blob with Steve McQueen? I envision the last few sane republicans currently holed up in that old fashioned diner.

Frum! Go for the fire extinguisher!

Think of me as a GOP-stopper. George Will and Peggy Noonan, two individuals I once respected, have officially joined this bubble of non-reality. I agree with Sullivan on this one, their conclusions from Benghazi are “unhinged”. So the GOP just lost another 10% of their clout. Hint: that’s about all they had left. Good thing they don’t believe in math.

Benghazi should be about learning from any mistakes and making future Americans safer abroad, nothing more. Every point the republicans are trying to make on this subject is, and remains, semantics. When similar shit happened under Bush…well, take it away Juan:

“By the way, does (Paul) Ryan always consider attacks on US embassies a sign that an administration’s foreign policy is blowing up in our faces? For instance, if the US embassy in Athens, Greece, was attacked in 2007, would that have been an indictment of George W. Bush’s foreign policy? What about if the US embassy in Serbia was burned down early in 2008? If the US embassy in Sanaa, Yemen, were attacked in September 2008? If the US consulate in Jiddah, Saudi Arabia, was attacked in 2004? What if thousands of anti-American Iraqis were regularly demonstrating and even shelling the Green Zone in Baghdad where the US embassy is in 2008? Did all that mean that Bush’s foreign policy, the most recent foreign policy outing of the Republican Party, blew up in our faces, according to Ryan?”

—Juan Cole

And I’m sure after each of these attacks, which Bill Maher claims totaled 13, Bush told the people all the details accurately and concisely—within seven or eight seconds after each incident. Well, after he put down My Pet Goat. Hey, it was just put onto Kindle then and he was at a good part.

I never covered a word about those attacks, why? Well, for one I was still working on my GED, but I understood how other parts of the world are dangerous. Deep stuff. Besides, we had plenty of real scandals to contend with at the time.

On cue, here’s the shit hitting the net:

Meanwhile three of these do not reach the level of scandal. They certainly don’t reach the level of significant scandal, and the other two broke five minutes ago. The GOP doesn’t jump to conclusions, they immediately warp to the planet Methane. Sorry, Star Trek is in theaters.

Here’s the Cliff Notes on past Obama “scandals”:

Solyndra – Please invest more in solar power, sir, but try not lose money this time

Fast & Furious – Why did Bush start such a program? Only six months into office—and dealing with two wars and the worst financial collapse since the great depression—I guarantee you this wasn’t on Obama’s radar. But, sure, let’s not do that anymore. In fact, since we’ve been running arms through multiple countries for the last fifteen or so administrations, maybe we should stop that.

Benghazi – Huh? Whaa? Can I be reimbursed for all the bullshit articles I had to read? I found more meat at that vegan donut shop Bald Tony took me to in Vegas.

And, if I made a similarly cute little Bush scandal cartoon:

I could not fit them all on such a small picture.
I would not need to invent any.
I would be forced to narrow it down to huge scandals, some warranting impeachment, others the death penalty.
Oh, and Bush was directly responsible for these scandals—none of this ‘other agencies misbehaving’ crap.

The good news is the GOP is convinced Obama is directly responsible for these new scandals so David Corn, channeling yours truly, came up with this great tweet:

“Dick Morris says IRS scandal could lead to Obama’s impeachment, which means it won’t.”

Yeah, I should sue for plagiarism, but instead solidarity, brother! Since you can set your watch to their wrongness that means Obama will likely skate.

Irony Alert: Only if the GOP started to defend Obama will he resign in disgrace.

To imply this stuff is impeachable—especially when one considers what this bunch let slide under W—is astounding. Meanwhile, the IRS thing has yet to be linked the White House. If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP. I can’t wait until they get desperate:

Fox News Alert: A guilty mid-level IRS accountant, not only voted for Obama in 2004 and 2008, but he visited a city in Kenya believed to be Obama’s birthplace.

Impeach!

Fun Fact: most people with an education, aka, college professors, IRS accountants, journalists and the like are generally not huge Tea Party fans. So I’m afraid that’s going to spill over into shit now and again like British Petroleum engineer on mescaline.

Am I excusing the IRS’s behavior? Certainly not—heads should roll and will. The only valid scandal at the moment is the Associated Press thing, which is directly linked to the one big, real, scary problem facing our liberties. Hint: it’s the one I’ve been warning about for a decade or more.

This includes Obama’s secrecy, the treatment of whistleblowers, no oversight for drone strikes, no habeas corpus, and the expansions of executive power which are straining our system to the brink.

So you want to impeach Obama for the AP scandal? Sorry, what he did is legal. Is it extreme? Yes. Is it pretty scary? Yes. But this shit is now a tip toe through the tulips for big bro. In fact, it’s known as the Gonzales Special in the beltway. What the Justice Department did is permissible under law. Check my 2010 article, Funny Thing but Breaking Something Called the Justice Department Might Have Consequences for Something…er, Called Justice.

The only thing that may bring down this whole house of cards is Eric Holder. Cheney would have handled this situation thusly:

“It’s legal, I’m keeping you safe, so shut the F-up”

—Dick Cheney

I have had only one staffing suggestion for Mr. Obama over the years, lose Holder. He’s an idiot. It’s one of the only four valid GOP points in the 21^st century, though the other three escape me. I have no idea why Obama is sticking with him and it may yet be his undoing.

“Someday you (Obama) will thank us for this expansion of power.”

—Dick Cheney

Apparently that day is today:

“Thanks, Dick.”

—Obama

Here are the dots—and if only the GOP had the wherewithal to connect them. Our problems stem from the FISA Amendment (2008), The Patriot Act (2003), and the utter Politization of the Justice Department (2005-2007). The very things that signified the end of any semblance of our liberties.

The Bushies and Foxeteers got this shit to pass post 9/11 with a two-pronged approach:

Vote for these or you are not patriotic.
We need these tools to keep your sorry asses safe.

And they all fell for it. These items were all nearly unanimously supported by the GOP. Who was in charge then? I’ll refrain from saying the B word, but with all the histrionics and blather from the right, did any one of them really see this coming? Did they understand what they were voting for? Maybe the Pauls did and certainly the Zanos, but I’ll try not to strain anything patting myself on the back.

I said in 2008 “Obama will have a coronation, not an inauguration.” And I predicted he would not restore the rule of law (many times on this site)—nor will anyone for that matter.

GOP translation: You’re wrong, Zano!

Granted, I am not as angry with Obama as I should be, but once these expansions occurred while fighting a nebulous, endless war…it was over. It still doesn’t make it right, but you don’t run for president if you don’t like power. I’m not giving Obama a free pass, I’m just being realistic.

You didn’t think the shit Bush broke would have consequences? Could you imagine this power in the hands of a Tea Partier? Or back in the hands of another Neocon like Cheney? Cheney, if you recall, downloaded all of Google and was later discovered—not hunting down Al-Qaeda with this info—but checking up on his political adversaries. All legal like. And someday the republicans will return to power and I rue that day, as should we all. A republican president with this power is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night…well, that and meth.

Here’s what I wrote a couple of weeks ago, right before these latest scandals broke, here:

“The GOP believed something which turned out to be bullshit. Then the GOP believed something else which turned out to be bullshit, and while everyone was fixated on this aforementioned bullshit, we completely missed ___________ which, as it turned out, had profound implications for our liberties and our future.”

I could have focused more on the real problems if I hadn’t been chasing Rep. herrings for the last four years. Critiquing the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity is a fool’s errand. I was actually working on the first part of this post, the Benghazi part, when these other scandals surfaced. Meanwhile the Right feels somehow vindicated. Finally, they have scandals to discuss with people outside the bubble.

News Flash: climb the F-back in the bubble!

We need Republicans weighing in on current events like the Dow Jones needs the Ryan Plan. Ninety percent of the GOP is still suffering from Gross Insight Deficit Disorder (GIDD). Far too many republican views are shaped by a fear of out-members, as covered here, and an unswerving ability to support all of society’s sociopathic and suicidal tendencies, here. Until they address their own shortcomings how can they help?

Actually, pains me though it may, it’s time we worked together on addressing this expansion of power. It’s a huge issue regardless of who is in the White House. It’s been exceedingly tough to focus on the meaningful when nearly half the country is obsessing over the trivial. Instead, let’s all focus on restoring the rule of law. If we can pull that off I would be very happy to write that retraction. I just don’t know how the Foxeteers can ever climb out of the ideological hole they’ve dug for themselves.

Okay, here it goes…I am reaching across the aisle right now and hoping to God I don’t hear another clown horn.

Look, just remember, the other two Obama scandals are hot off the press. Let’s take a page from the Hammer of Kraut and see where the investigations go. Watching the GOP pursue a scandal is like watching North Korea develop a missile program. You want the truth? You can’t make up 758 things and then expect to find the truth. It’s like finding a Beetle in a Sleestack.