Smothered in Chum Snorkeling Adventures Closes Its Doors

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Smothered In Chum Snorkling Adventures Closes Its Doors

Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling “flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual.” The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, “We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region.” Mr. Snell later added, “Incidentally, we weren’t wrong.”
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New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder

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Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

Doctor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “Many people already suffer from Axis-II disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Discord Staffers’ We’re Out Of F-ing Coffee Again Syndrome. But now, thanks to some new disorders, there’s even more shit hitting the psychiatrist’s couch. Now I can make money off the faithful! Ten Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and what is your primary insurance carrier, sir?”

The DSM-V has also added several fundamental sub-diagnoses. These new Mental Illnesses include but are not limited to:

Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD), Rational Denial Syndrome (RDS), Obsessive-confessional Character Pathology (OCCP), Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (OUCH), Crucifixion Dependence, Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (CDBEF), Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder (RDHD), primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant), Post-Catechistic Catatonia (PCC), Archangel-typal Personality Disorder,  Paranormal Parable Personality Disorder (also known colloquially as Burning Bush Batshit Syndrome), Major Repressive Disorder (MRD),  Genuflexia Nervosa (GN), Orthodoxicosis-permanentalis (this last one is only in the ICD-10 as it was snubbed by the DSM folks. Thankfully it will be covered by your medical providers under the Affordable Care Act).

And, finally, Sunday Morning Hyposomnia (SMH). This condition is easily treatable by skipping church, sleeping in, and then watching cartoons.

“Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect (just a few nuns and a homeless person) but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for the ease of billing Insurances!”

—Dr. Sterling Hogbein

The religious right adamantly protested this obvious attempt to marginalize the angry and the wrong.

Pastor Prime of the First Church of Galactica said, “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that simply repeat formulas. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data—” (cut)

As a result of all these new juicy billable disorders, behavioral health providers are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. So the state governments from those square states have immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half. On the upside, if your in-laws get too uppity at our next holiday meal, you can probably have them committed.
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Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting to Schizophrenics

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Foiled Again: Government Caught Transmitting To Schizophrenics

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is embarrassed over leaked information suggesting the government has tormented the severely mentally ill for many years “just for fun.” The transmission, which started in the sixties from deep within the Pentagon, has encouraged paranoid schizophrenics to try blocking these signals by donning a tinfoil hat.

Whereas President Obama admits the signal is occurring, he is denying any link between it and the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

Obama told reporters, “This was not my idea. Someone back in the day thought this would be funny. I am not condoning the practice but, had I ended this program amidst our fragile recovery, unemployment numbers would have only risen.”

When asked about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s assertions, which involved the targeting of those suffering from  eating disorders with a “Fat Signal”, Obama got testy, “I personally ended Project Hand Wash for the obsessive compulsive and I completely scrapped Operation: Itsy Bitsy Spider for Arachnophobes. Look, you try spending the entire defense budget on just defense.”
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Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle

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Huge Stone Egg Discovered Under Notre-Dame Gargoyle

Paris, FR—Yesterday an unexpected oddity appeared amidst the gothic spires of France’s famous Notre-Dame Cathedral.  Night watchmen were stunned to find a seventy-five pound egg resting under the gargoyle that the guards affectionately call Le Pénis.  Notre Dame’s chief of security, Louis Etienne, a man the guards also affectionately called Le Pénis, informed the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, “This is either an elaborate hoax or a not so elaborate hoax.”  Cokie added, “Either way, we’ll know when it hatches.”
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Fox News Mini-Series: Our Shrinking Deficit

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Mick Zano

Okay, maybe not. The right is ignoring the fact our deficit has reached pre-collapse levels. Actually there’s two important numbers, the deficit as compared to GDP and our overall debt. The first you won’t hear mentioned on Fox News and the second you won’t hear mentioned on MSNBC. But if current projections hold true, what will Fox News focus on then? Hint: it rhymes with Hi-Dumb-Deployment.

History has shown that Dems are much more adept at helping the middle class while decreasing deficits.

I always wonder what republicans think when they see a chart like this. Then I realize they’re always ready to produce some Bachmann-style counter:

Touché republicans, touché.

Here’s another glance at Obama’s handiwork.

So why is Obama’s economic approval rating reaching Bush levels of tankage? We still have the strongest recovery in the West. There are ever more positive signs emerging, so why is everyone going nuts?

Certainly Drudge’s and Fox’s Operation: Scare the Base has had some impact on perception. This is easily done, usually by showing repeated images of a black man in the Oval Office. Sometimes I think the GOP is funded by the makers of Xanax. Still other times I turn on Fox and need to score some. There’s a connection here…speaking of which, I need to meet mine outside of the Circle-K.

Remember when I was freaking out in 2007 and warned everyone of an imminent collapse? Well, this same blogger is saying, take a deep breath. We are certainly not out of the woods yet, but if our numbers are getting better, albeit barely, and republicans are even more worried, well, do the meth. Sorry, I think there was something in my Xanies.

The GOP is never worried when they should be and always worried when they shouldn’t be. Much of my confidence stems from their unease. Republican fear has always been a clear indicator of a hope.

Just before the great recession Fox News was suggesting that everyone “keep buying shit to avoid a market slump.” I’ll never forget this because I had an entirely different take, involving a global economic collapse and eating bugs.

The GOP remains a decade or more behind the times. They’ve figured out—just this week—that parts of the Patriot Act have implications for our civil rights, and any day now I’m waiting to hear, “Hey, you know, I don’t think Iraq had anything to do with 9/11.”

Whereas I, too, am not convinced our economic numbers are as great as they seem, it’s still an improvement—at a time when I doubted improvement was even possible. Basically our overall debt is still increasing while our deficit as percentage to GDP is shrinking. Some of this is due to something the Feds call less-projected-debt (LPD), better known as semantics. And these numbers are also positively impacted by the ongoing devaluation of our currency, which remains scary. But, keep in mind, I predicted we’d be toast already. Obama is playing our last hand well. Sure he’s bluffing, but it’s a good bluff. Why do we need to bluff? (See: republican economic policies).

And, actually, I rate success by avoiding a complete collapse. I put success into the context of our ongoing decline, which I would rather see take generations than minutes. Hint: we’ve been circling the drain since W departed. Bush, the other white meathead.

Look, the Fed and the Paul Krugman’s of the world have shown much more insight during this economic crisis (this republican created crisis). They’ve done things that I can’t claim to understand, but they have fairly accurately predicted the economic impacts of their actions. The GOP…umm, has never done that, regardless of the topic.

Here’s an assessment of Obama that will make no sense to Republicans—but it will to historians.

“Obama has always been a pragmatist (not a leftist) in economics, and I’d argue that his response to the Great Recession was easily the best of any Western leader because of it. Maybe this isn’t clear now; but in the end, it will be and is already validated by the evidence. I believe that, in the end, that evidence will be critical, if Obama can deploy it effectively to make his case. And in the context of the strongest growth among Western developed countries, he can.”

—Andrew Sullivan

I will take a party any day that gets things occasional right over a bunch who can’t seem to realize they’re always wrong.
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Obama on Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals

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Obama On Pentagon Cuts: There’s Some Really Interesting Quadrilaterals

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, “It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?”

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and “get real”.

An angered Obama replied, “Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes.”
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Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion

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Mick Zano

The IRS “scandal” lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever “refutiated” the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

Say it with me everyone: Con-Fir-Ma-Tion Bi-As.

The Oxford Dictionary:Confirmation Bias (noun)

The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.

The Answer: Confirmation Bias
The Answer: Confirmation Bias, The Question: Why Fox News turns a profit?
The Question: Why Fox News turns a profit?

You can’t keep changing the subject or asking another fool question, or repeating what we already know to keep a scandal alive. Yeah, I’m talking to you Brent Bozo over on NewsBusters. First, you need to admit you were wrong and try to move one-flipping-iota closer to something I like to call journalism…you know, before shifting your attention crapward again.

Specifically, I want the GOP to make a retraction regarding Obama’s involvement in the IRS “scandal”. Hint: it’s not a White House scandal if the White House is not involved. Weird, I know. Keep in mind, your retraction can be submitted in prose, sonnet, haiku, or whatever format will work with your base (I would go with a limerick: there once was a man from the Potomac?).

Let’s take one liberal for example, me, I never denied that the IRS was targeting conservatives…but one more bullshit headline and I will likely approve the practice. I called bullshit when the GOP turned the story into bullshit. Hint: this usually happens somewhere amidst their first headline.

Here’s my initial comment the day the story broke:

“The IRS thing has yet to be linked to the White House. If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP. I can’t wait until they get desperate.” 

—Mick Zano, The Daily Discord

Dear reader,

I, Mick Zano, would like to make a retraction. I’m not nearly as excited as I originally thought I would be about the whole “can’t wait until the GOP gets desperate” thing. 

Sorry. My bad.

Zano

See how easy retractions can be? Now you try it. Here’s an example:

“Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if we’ve ever been right about anything since Reagan.”

—John Q. Republican

Here’s what happened immediately after the story broke:

Peggy Noonan called the IRS “scandal” Obama’s Watergate, Darrell Issa said the President lied, Dick Morris predicted impeachment, and Fox News—in true Iraq-was-behind-9/11-fashion—immediately implicated that the President gave the order to target the Tea Party.

Dear Bill O’Reilly and the rest of the wrong brigade, say it with me: Re-Trac-Tion:

Once again a spoof news bloggerist has shown more insight than everyone else on the Right combined. Hint: sadly, it’s not really much of an achievement. If I put in one tenth of your collective effort I could post much more damaging posts on Obama, aka, you’re not helping. You’re not competent. You’re simply a distraction.

The IRS investigation found several interesting things:

1.) The IRS targets everyone applying for tax exempt status (shocking).

2.) The numbers for those scrutinized has recently been higher for right wing groups (thus the GOP’s first headlines).

3.) The investigation found systemic problems, for sure, to the point of dysfunction in some offices. But there was little to no coordinated partisanship in amongst IRS employees.

4.) There’s still no evidence whatsoever of any mandate to target conservatives from the White House.

Here’s my prediction for how the IRS will “fix” their problem. They will increase scrutiny on progressive groups seeking tax exempt status as well. That’s it. Wow. Thanks. Soooo, I ask again. Who cares?  You’re taking one fact, which in and of itself is pretty meaningless, and extrapolating to the point of—oh, who am I kidding, one fact is improvement for these folks. Nice work everybody.

Here’s what the next Drudge headlines should look like:

Every Rock in D.C. Overturned and Still No IRS/Obama Link

IRS Investigation: Workers Not Partisan and Don’t Know Much About the Tea Party

IRS Functioning Similarly Douchey for Over a Century

Have you ever noticed the headline progression from Fox News? They typically go from fact, to extrapolated fact. Then, once all their premises are disproven, they shift to the bullshit question phase:

Do Obama’s Children Know About Their Father’s IRS Transgressions?

Will Biden Take the Fall for Obama’s IRS Mess?

“Who’s To Blame?” Demands One Asshole Republican Who Still Wants Answers

Despite the inability of the GOP to birth a retraction during the Bush years, or a relevant scandal during the Obama years……no, I think I’ll end there.

Or, on second thought, maybe here:

“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan
“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
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