Mick Zano
After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus
Hollywood, CA—The Stanley Kubrick Foundation, in conjunction with Disney and NASA, finally released the much anticipated moon landing outtake reel. The images were digitally enhanced and reedited to capture some of the funnier moments and hijinks behind the scenes of the mock lunar landing of the Apollo 11 crew on July 20th 1969. The film is being released next week, but some of the details were leaked to The Daily Discord by the Hal 9000, the AI in charge of the Discovery One in 2001: A Space Odyssey.
It’s nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about today’s summit someday …from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trump’s latest tweet barrage made me laugh. One day soon these tweets will be translated as: Why didn’t Obama stop my collusion? It happened under his watch?! Thanks Obama, I thought this was America! #SomeCollusion. Watching the last 72-hours of the Mueller machinations vs our counter-reality has reached Theater of the Bizarre levels of absurdity. Hippogroan? Oh, and this morning I caught five minutes of Neil Cavuto on Fox. Wow, talk about starting your day off far right… I am soooo done with this shit, and you should be too.
Brussels, BE—Ironically, Italy, the last NATO country to successfully budget 2% of its overall GDP to defense spending, has done so ahead of the expected 2020 deadline. Instead of cheers from The Trump House, the timing could not be worse. Super Supreme Leader Donald Trump is scrambling as the EU, Australia and Canada, currently known as the Coalition of the Cognizant, just declared war on the United States of The Donald. As rockets are launched ahead of an imminent land invasion, Trump addressed the nation via a historic tweet from his bunker deep in the Earth’s crust. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and those rockets, of course. Wow, there’s a lot of them!! We shall fight them on the beaches, we will defend my land and business empire, whatever your cost may be. How many characters left? Crap. #NeverSurrender!”
Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”
Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:
This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?
Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.
*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).
Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?
Tweet Tower—In order to protect members of the Trump Administration from PBR cans, Starbucks lids, and spitballs, key members of the Trump Administration have been issued a Safe Space of their own. At least a dozen Trumpsters are being issued Secret Service protection as well as cool bubble cars. Many are calling this a natural progression as republicans already live in a political bubble, so an actual physical bubble represents the next next logical step in their devolution. Eventually these vehicles will double as swamp fan boats so, once indicted, they can simply return to their primordial ooze.
Tweet Tower—Only hours after the announcement of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s pending retirement, President Trump tweeted his intention to fill the Supreme Court vacancy in a timely manner. He later announced that he’d be using his friends at Speedy Temp to hire a competent and professional Supreme Court Justice “minus all of the usual red tape.” Moments ago the president signed an executive order that skips the whole “nomination/congressional approval thing,” which he hopes will make the transition for Supreme Court Justice Larry faster and smoother.