Crystal Lake—Camp Crystal Lake Watersport Rentals & Bait Shop is closing its doors forever. The family business, established in 1980, has survived a dozen killing sprees that left most of their customers unable to pay for the unreturned or damaged equipment. Owner Bud ‘Buddy’ Drake said, “We almost never get our canoes or kayaks returned, and when we do we spend all day hosing off the blood. We kept thinking things were going to end with Friday the 13: The Final Chapter and then Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, but, no, the guy’s like a bad penny—a bad penny that chops kids up every couple of years. Then when Jason Voorhees moved to Manhattan we thought, finally, shit’s going to get back to normal around here, but we were wrong again. This latest batch of murders is the last straw. This group rented two canoes, one kayak, and a jet-ski. We only recovered the jet-ski …from a tree. I’m done. The Voorhees have been nothing but trouble for these parts. My wife and I are thinking about opening up an auto repair shop up over in Haddonfield. The grand opening is set for the end of October.”

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Tweet Tower—The American flag is recounting its harrowing tale of assault and abuse today at the hands of the president of the United States. In an exclusive Discord interview, the flag describes a series of disturbing situations while in the presence of Donald Trump. “These events made me want to self-drone myself to the dry-cleaner,” said the flag. “Amazon Prime would help with the logistics, but I had mixed feeling because I hate Jeff Bezos. That bastard is going to replace all flags with robot flags!” According to allegations the president repeatedly hugged and even “dry humped” the American flag without consent, an act many liberal flagtivists are calling unseamly. See what I did there?                              

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My friend and blogvesary is at it again, blasting out of my comment section like a sirocco, blazing across the land, into your home, slamming into your website like a supercharged nano-particle of unobtainium! Fine, that’s George Knapp, but my friend probably inspired his opening. Today on Discord Crossfire, Pokey is accusing me of not answering any of his fictional questions. I don’t feel I need to justify my actions, articles, voting record, predictions, or criminal background *cough* …but maybe, just maybe, he should. My friend is still touting the merits of Spygate over Russiagate, aka Obama/Lynch = Guilty and Trump/Cohorts = Innocent. Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and amidst this 2019 political landscape, I think anything espoused by a rightwinger now requires a Atlantis-is-ruled-by-sasquatches level of proof. The onus is on you and your ilk to prove your non-stop, nonsensical non-sequiturs. [Retraction: you’re probably right, keep digging and maybe you’ll emerge on the other side of these scandals]. Hollow Birther theory? The Repubtilian agenda?

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The Universe—The recent picture of a black hole, the first of its kind, has many scratching their heads today. Is there a connection between time/space and the Trump/race continuum? Is this truly an image of a black hole, or a White Nationalist Dwarf? Whereas some theorize this is proof the universe is deplorable, others suggest it’s evidence the universe is hollow & graphic in nature. Science has been grappling with these two related cosmic questions for decades: what is the true nature of both the universe and the president’s hair-dome? At least one scientist believes the two areas of inquiry can be connected in one Grand Polarized Theory, or what he is privately calling the Bigly Bang Theory.

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Tweet Tower—In what many are calling a major gaffe, Vice President Mike Pence has all but confirmed that the original moon landing in 1969 never actually happened. Pence announced that NASA would return to the set of the original moon landing, which he said, “Occurred in a back lot of Paramount Studios, just east of the commissary.” The Vice President went on to say, “This mission is exciting because it’s in line with our own budget projections for research & development, aka we don’t have one so we can just use petty cash.”

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Anaheim, CA—The Walt Disney Company has merged with 20th Century Fox, finally laying to rest the debate as to whether or not Fox News is a Mickey Mouse organization. Yes, Rupert Murdoch, a previous hold out on the deal, is agreeable to join the fun provided he can keep making the ghost of Joseph Goebbles proud of his ‘news’ channel. Disney now owns most cartoons, superheroes, super villains, cartoon superheroes, Jedis, and super-villain Jedis—not to mention, Troy McClure, who you may know from such films as *cough* all of them. If you listen really closely you can hear Universal Studios taking a dump, which hopefully they can work into their own amusement park ride someday soon. Does this represent a giant Disney upgrade? Does a bear shit in the woods? Apparently not if it’s animated, CGI, blue screen, green screen or Chroma key, as all of those FX techniques now come with copyright infringements and steep fines.

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In a legal loophole wrapped in a statutorial technicality, Attorney General William Barr is only compelled to name the month he intends to release the full Mueller Report, not the year. The year will remain redacted until *cough*, the year. This wouldn’t surprise me as he’s probably already in some reputational hot water after his recent summary, non-summary snap judgment, aka, an obvious effort to exonerate a sitting ass-clown. When I first heard about William It’s-not-illegal-if-a-president-does-it Barr, aka the Iran-Contra coverup guy, I immediately returned to the gangster analogy. He’s the ‘cleaner’, the guy the mob calls in to bleach the crime scene and burn all the evidence. I called Mueller honorable, but does this corporate lawyer’s lawyer deserve the same treatment? If key parts of this document remain hidden from view for “reputational reasons”, not ongoing investigational ones, we still have a problem. So a guy who believes presidents can’t commit crimes, who auditioned for Trump by defending his decision to fire Comey, has exonerated Trump of any and all crimes? Talk about stacking the deck, oh wait, Trump can’t open a casino on the Las Vegas strip either. Hmmm. We need to know who is making these decisions in redaction-land or: Who Watches the Redactmen?

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Flagstaff, AZ—The Daily Discord has received a copy of the full Mueller Report from an unreal source. Unfortunately the original document is still mostly redacted. Attorney General William Barr explained how Mueller used large black blocks to actually type stuff into his report. “Intelligence agencies often use a Fed font, or Arial MIBlack,” said Barr. “It’s not uncommon to start with permanent redactions, which can save a lot of embarrassment later. You can also whiz through stuff when you’re in a hurry. I think Mueller actually started this thing last Monday.” The Discord released the full text, so we are asking our 11 fans to please check their spam folders. The report raises many questions, such as: why are the only non-redacted parts in Klingon? How can the only released English words, ‘beer pong’ possibly relate to Mueller’s original mandate? Do Klingons even play beer pong? Conclusions have fallen into two distinctly different camps. Whereas the Republicans remain convinced the leaked document fully vindicates the president, Democrats believe it opens a new line of inquiry into possible collusion between the Trump Administration and Q’ONOS, the Klingon home-world.

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