Mick Zano
Tweet Tower—According to custodial historians, The White House’s septic system has functioned exceptionally well since Howard Taft hosted an ill-fated Roman banquet and treasure bath in the summer of 1912. Over the last two plus years, however, the sheer amount of bullshit, or what pundits are calling Foxal Matter, has surpassed the historic site’s maximum crapacity.
Washington—After reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”
We need comprehensive immigration reform. It’s so bad at our southern border right now that even I wish Trump would appoint a head of Homeland Security. Don’t worry, even though both sides of the aisle can finally agree on the problem, a viable solution is not on the horizon. Certainly some of this surge in migrants is the perception that the U.S. may be on the verge of closing its doors forever …with a wall …equipped with sharks …with friggin’ lasers on their heads. Don’t laugh, that’s the latest executive request that Pelosi is desperately trying to block all funding for. Senior staffers admit that, as a pragmatist, she hates the sharks-in-the-desert thing, but would like to hear more about the lasers-mounted-on-their-heads thing. Mexicans are probably chuckling at Trump’s imaginary wall, but what if Guatemala only gets Fox News? The idea of a thousand mile wall comes with some now-or-never implications. It’s forcing those latitudenally challenged to act now, or risk remaining in their own “shit-hole country” indefinitely. Did Trump’s imaginary wall cause you or a loved one severe emotional distress while attempting to cross the U.S. southern border? Have lasers mounted on sharks injured you or a family member? You may be eligible for a cash reward. That’s it! Let’s cut off their emergency room access and just assign each illegal immigrant a lawyer. Latigation? Amidst this vulture-capitalistic wasteland we now find ourselves, this might be one area we can find some common legal ground.
Washington—Don’t get too excited, folks, although Robert Mueller has agreed to testify before two separate house committees on July 17th, the Special Counsel has already been fitted with the latest voice-redaction-software known to man, or VRS. Mueller argues he needs this software to be sure he doesn’t say anything relevant to the most critical investigation in recent U.S. history. He also wants to avoid commenting on any of the president’s Gazillions of Dr. Evil-like pending investigations. He told the press, “My nearly 500 hundred page legalese opus, based on David Lynch’s Klingon adaptation of Finnegans Wake, speaks for itself. Oh, and I picked up the voice-redaction-software, cheap, from the same guy who sold Hillary Clinton that BleachBit to wipe her private server.”
There’s only one way to avoid the pending Iran debacle and the solution reminds me of that time on the Millennium Falcon when Han Solo encouraged C3P0 to: “Let the Wookiee win.” If we’re going to spare some blood and treasure by avoiding another senseless war, to say nothing of getting our arms pulled out of their sockets, we need to heed Han’s advice on this one. What if we re-sign the same Iran Deal with the addition of some Trump accolades, a bucket of exclamation points, several hashtags, and then drop the Flesch-Kincaid reading level to accommodate the typical Fox viewer? I guarantee you our president hasn’t read even one sentence of the original agreement, so he won’t notice. If someone within the Trump administration would back my scheme then We.Got.This.Shit. Disaster averted. If everyone both here and abroad would agree to be in on the joke we could resurrect the Iran Deal, call it the Trump Deal, and effectively let the Wookiee win.
Punta Cana, DR—The Democratic National Committee has offered what is being called a “good faith gesture” to the president and his senior staffers today. The DNC purchased an all expense paid week of “sun and fun in the Dominican Republic” for the Trump crime family. In the wake of recent events on the ill-fated island, many conservative pundits are crying foul. For some the timing, which comes at the heels of a series of mysterious deaths of several guests at the very same resort, is not a coincidence. The head of the DNC Tom Perez is denying any wrongdoing: “As a fiscally responsible party, we liberals are always motivated to find the best exotic deals, even if such savings are associated with a known death trap *cough*, I mean Caribbean paradise.”
