How do we really know what’s going on?  Truth seems harder to find than an Obama supporter on the Appalachian Trail.  These days, how can anyone parse out the truth in politics, culture, or even science?  Yes, even science is suspect.

Take my recent MS in Psychology, which focused on addiction and psychopathologies.  (I actually majored in literature; the MS degree was merely an exploration of my booze problem and uncontrollable urges to kill.  What can I say?  I have issues.)

Research into addiction is funded by pharmaceutical companies seeking scientific validation.  Lo and behold, the researchers’ findings typically “suggest” exactly what their sponsors are looking to confirm.  These endless “beer-reviewed” studies are self-serving and often suspect.  (This is not a slam on scholarly journals; I’m just usually drunk when I read them.)  The point being, science itself now borders on “scientism,” which is almost a religion in its own right.  Richard Dawkins is the perfect example—a brilliant man, but philosophically felonious.  Forget history, throw out spirituality; instead, everyone must focus on his version of evolutionary psychology and let the best “meme” win.

This is nothing new for science; I think it used to be called logical positivism, but I’m not positive about the logical part.  Each scientific or psychological breakthrough is always the answer. Remember when behaviorism could explain everything?  Great job, Watson and Skinner.  You’ve really curbed my uncontrollable urges to kill.  Thanks.  I’m reminded just how well behaviorism works each time I shovel the human remains from my carport.

Limited funding provided by the same dubious sources—pharmaceutical companies, medical grants, and the military—results in a uniformity of thought that impedes genuinely significant research.  Case in point: What ever happened to the research into Jell-O-kinesis or remote spewing?  (I won’t go into detail on these subjects for fear of losing readers).

Speaking of Jell-O, politicians take the cake.  Our foreign policies have become simultaneously draconian and juvenile.  We invade and take over Afghanistan, and the world opium supply suddenly quadruples?  I’m partial to coffee and cocaine, so please sign my petition encouraging the U.S. to start bombing Columbia immediately.

And speaking of drugs, the only people who can’t seem to get any these days are the terminally ill.  Even my own use of medical marijuana (a pound a day for glaucoma in my left eye) is under heavy scrutiny.  Psychedelics like Ibogaine may prove to be the best combatants of addiction; but since that would not fit into our current paradigm, the research remains ignored.

Education has become a business.  In fact, virtually everything has shifted into a business—except our businesses, of course.  They’ve just shifted overseas.  Detroit should be grateful for its status as “Hockeytown,” because innovative and well-engineered cars are beyond its manufacturers.  The puck stops here, people.  I’ve owned seven vehicles in my life: six American-made cars and one “rice burner.”

I miss the rice burner. 

Public education has become a farce.  Remember that annoying little child Bush refused to leave behind?  Well, the rest of the class is now waiting for him.  He’s in an extended time-out right now and won’t stop spitting his Ritalin pills at the teacher, so the rest of his classmates may be waiting for quite some time.  Give him another study hall—that should do the trick.  In the meantime, children, try sitting next to someone of Asian or Indian persuasion during your PSSAs.

Overall quality in healthcare is collapsing as social services and medical clinics focus on billable hours instead of quality treatment.  Managed care, HMOs, and the proposed national healthcare system are all part of the problem, not the solution.  Insurance companies focus their resources on avoiding claim payments, while our personal and national debt accelerates faster than a monkey on methamphetamine.  (Don’t try that, by the way. It pisses off the PETA people, not to mention the monkey.)

Since 1950, the average sperm count in the US of A has dropped 75%.  I repeat: seventy-five percent! I suppose it explains how I got through college without a single “oops.”  (Alas, I can’t say the same for nether-region rashes.)  The FDA allows massive piles of shit in the guise of “food” to be sold in various shapes and sizes via homedelivery, 24-hour drive-throughs, and buffet-a-ramas.  Enjoy variety and shapes while you can, folks, because soon all Americans will be uniformly round and sterile.

America: If the only one looking out for you is Bill O’Reilly, then do the honorable thing, young samurai, and fall on your loofah.

So, what are the answers? 

We must seek the truth.  We must speak impeccably in all endeavors.  We must take back America, blog by blog.  Our journalism and our politics must change—they must become more than empty slogans pushed by campaign managers. Remember, with crises comes opportunity.  Moderates around the globe: Continue sharing your ideas and pierce the ever-thickening wall of bullshit passing as discourse.

For years, I have championed a more parliamentary style of government.  Not enough of us fit under these two big dysfunctional tents, if we ever did.  The current administration has magnified the flaws in our system, so “revampage” is imperative.  Revamapge is tidier than a revolution, so let’s get cracking.

Smithers, release the flying meth monkeys!

Luckily, we don’t have to worry about damaging the Constitution or the Bill of Rights; Bush and his cronies took care of that.

We at the Discordare advancing the agenda of a new, emerging party known as the Transcosmetic Party.  You will hear more and more as we start wearing our cute little arm bands and marching in goose-step fashion from sea to shining sea.  I’m kidding, of course; we’ll probably take the bus.  We are, after all, fat, middle-aged, monkey-drugging, coke fiends.

Now, let’s start our assault on reason by systematically rating the journalists, column-writers, and cable news anchors of our time.  Exposing the flaws of our peers is not meant to slander or attack.  This report card is necessary.  We will be mercilessly non-partisan (MNP).  After all, we’re not prejudiced; we hate everybody. We will hold each individual up to Ken Wilber’s four quadrants to determine their overall integral scores.  This should be fun, although in no way does Wilber approve of what we are doing.  We are the “barely integral,” damnit!  And you know what they say about an ounce of knowledge: It’s for medicinal purposes only.  I have glaucoma in my left eye!

Christianity remains shadowed by the sexist authoritative indoctrination that fueled the establishment of the Orthodox Church for centuries. We must come to terms with our religion’s shady history in order to cleanse our psyches from any prejudices that inhibit the authentic experience of compassion, love, God, and barely legal Japanese anime.

After Jesus’ crucifixion, yet prior to the establishment of an orthodox definition of a “true believer,” the beliefs and practices of professing Christians varied greatly. The Ebionites fought to limit Christian belief within a Jewish framework, in which all of the Jewish laws would be maintained. The Apostle Paul argued against the Ebionites exclusory attitude, leading to the tragic loss of the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not glusten thy neighbor’s gefilte fish.

Simon Magus argued against the literal interpretation of the Bible and instead sought knowledge from the direct experience of God, which Jesus himself was rumored to encourage once during an all-night poker game. Skeptics retort that he may have been bluffing. What did Simon Magus get for his troubles? He was convicted of consorting with demons and sentenced to the seventh circle of Dante’s hell.

At the time, other versions of Gnosticism circulated (later designated to the fifth, eighth, and ninth circles, respectively). What all of these different factions had in common was a deep influence from Greek mystery sects and a conviction that Gnosis (divine knowledge) took precedent over dogma, church authorities, religious law, and even folks like Pat Robertson.

According to the Greek scriptures, Jesus appointed twelve apostles and four branch managers, headed by Peter (CEO), to build and define Christ, Incorporated. It’s peculiar that these twelve people did not include Mary Magdalene. Remember that during Jesus’ crucifixion, all of his fair-weather, water-walkin’, not-ready-for-primetime apostles fled, fearing persecution. Peter even denied knowing Jesus three times, which he later blamed on a combination of the glare and some oak-aged blood of Christ. An alternate defense of Peter comes from the Lost Gospel of Moe, wherein Moe explains that his denials took place in a pub, where Jesus had run up a large bar tab…one of “biblical proportions,” as Moe tells it.

Unlike the weak-willed apostles, Mary Magdalene had the courage to remain by Jesus’ side right up until his death, literally, and has been cleared of any involvement in the “spear” incident. Was there a relationship between the two? An important piece of frivolous fiction, The Da Vinci Code, makes a compelling argument.

In an affirmative action lawsuit, Mary Magdalene asked why she, or any other woman for that matter, should be excluded from the early formation of the Christian Church. By reviewing some of the Gnostic writings, judged heretical by the Orthodox Church, we become aware of a much more broad dimension of Christian belief than is ordinarily considered. As orthodox belief narrowed and the power structure of the church became established, members deemed “off message” were cast out as heretics. For example, you’ve probably never even heard of Moe the Apostle.

In the gospel of Thomas, Peter is quoted as saying “let Mary [Magdalene] leave us, for women are not worthy of life.” Spoken like a true CEO. Conversely, many of the Gnostics had both a masculine and feminine element…at least, that was God’s story when He was seen leaving certain clubs. These Gnostics often held non-hierarchical services, without a priest-ruled power structure. They preached that divine knowledge came only through the direct experience of God, not through the teachings of the priests and bishops. Anybody in the community, including women, could lead services, baptize, prophesize, or heal. Admittedly, the Gnostics sometimes taught bizarre doctrine. There were persistent rumors about ritualized orgies, bobbing for forbidden fruit, and crazed false-idol humping.

Tertullian, a popular writer and noble gas, was influential in defining Orthodox Christianity in the second century. He commented on the early Gnostic feminists: “These heretical women—how audacious they are! They have no modesty; they are bold enough to teach, to engage in argument, to enact exorcisms, to undertake cures, and, it may be, even to baptize!”

Tertullian, emphatic about being “celibate by choice,” was known to shout this randomly to passersby.

The battle over women’s position in the church and society was fought into the late second century as the orthodox community came to accept as dogma the domination of men over women—a position that somehow reversed itself in the early twenty-first century…in my living room.

Along with the repression of the feminine element, orthodox leaders defined as heresy any belief or practice inconsistent with church doctrine. This greatly offended the many Aztec-Christian Cannibal Voodoo sects of the time. Even today, many Christian churches express an exclusionary attitude toward any person who refuses to unquestionably bow down to the accepted dogma of the church. This means you, McCain!

Most Christian churches still restrict women’s directive power. This means you, Hillary! Esoteric religious practices, not accepted or understood by the church, are usually labeled “occult” and demonized as satanic. This means you, Obama!

Many young people today have turned away from Christianity due to these rigid attitudes and early business hours. Churches of all denominations need to recognize the mistakes of the past and begin generating an attitude of inclusiveness and tolerance. If our churches ever hope to become God’s instruments, they must welcome people of differing practices and beliefs so that we all can learn, grow, and heal together. And if that means occasionally sacrificing a goat, then so be it!