Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say “Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don’t like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don’t dare let it go.” I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY

Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote “Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit.”

Jill Y.

Ely, NV

Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: “[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory.”  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard an old Hopi saying, “We are the ones we have been waiting for.”  I thought that was really profound.

Mick Guernsey

Dear Mick,

I heard an old Hopi say, “The waiting is the hardest part,” and “Don’t come around here no more, bitch.”  Wait, that was Tom Petty.  Think he’s a Navajo.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY

Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone.   Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products.  If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.

Susan R.

Dixon, CA

Dear Susan,

Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions.  You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing.  One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty.   One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes.  I think you should do that now, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy.  Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?

Heidi O.

Selinsgrove, PA

Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,

Awesome!  Well, I don’t have “credentials,” per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches.  And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Therapy, eh?  Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs.  In this economy, I call that win-win.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ

Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any paranormal abilities, Shaman? Through an ageless creed I have wrestled the boa and dodged the skin walker on the rocky hills of my ancestors.

Biff F.

Durango, CO

Dear Bifffff,

Oh, yeah, tough guy? Well, I have watched the Apollo Creed box the Rocky Balboa, and I have even TiVo’d the Walker Texas Ranger. As far as paranormal abilities, I have near-death experiences regularly (most involve entering establishments I am currently barred from). Oh, and visiting my ancestors is pretty rocky too—with the restraining order and all.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My grandfather was one of the Navajo code talkers who used cryptography to help confound the Japanese during WWII. I want to travel to the Solomon Islands, where my grandfather was stationed, but I don’t fly.  If I choose to travel by sea, do you have any advice to help me stay safe?

Scott M.

Ship Rock, NM

Dear Scott,

Cryptography, eh?  What’s the big deal about taking pictures of Mausoleums? To answer your question, this little number always kept me safe for long voyages:

Red skies at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning, pass the Visine, bitch.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman