Spirituality & Enlightenment

Spirituality & Enlightenment

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you took a header into the gravel outside of Kimball’s last night.  I don’t see how what you are doing can be called spiritual in any way, shape, or form.  I think you even shit yourself!

Dave P.

Turbotville, PA

Dear Dave,

What you call “taking a header” I call a Divine Earth Kiss, besides it couldn’t have been me.  I am banned from Kimball’s.   Either way, it would be in your best interest to read my latest work The Tao of Incontinence.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Could you talk to Eric about getting me back in there?  If they’d let me in I wouldn’t shit myself, now would I?

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Any of your legendary workshops coming up?

Sammy Y.

Dear Sammy,

Yes, May 7th and 8th. Here is a brief itinerary:

Day One:

11:00AM—My Cthulhu Sweat Lodge is back with, Sweating to the Old Ones, where I will harness your orgasmic sexual energy with help from some Deep Ones (actual harnesses available).

1:00PM—Drinking Heavy Cosmic Bar Crawl

11:00PM—Conference call with Charlie Sheen to discuss ‘winning’ and its implications for an enlightened consciousness. 

Day Two:

7:00AM—Time for the old “get up a collection to bailout your guru, bitches” workshop.  This will help your karma and your budgeting skills

8:00AM—Medicine Wheel Healing Workshop with fluids and oatmeal

10:00AM—Advanced Healing Workshop for those still under the spell of the Hangover Gods

12:00PM—Closing prayer and legal waiver signing, all during the Go Home, Bitches song

The Ghetto (Cash Only)  Shaman

ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

ALIEN UPDATE: The Truth is Really Out There

Sorry for the delay in reporting alien impressions, but I have discovered much while working deep undercover.  No, I’m not reporting on Zano’s Viagra issues…this time.  This gets even stranger than that image, so stay with me here. Sure humans are swell.  On a universal scale, we can do a whole lot more than some other species around the cosmos (that’s even when taking into consideration Daily Discord contributors).

I need to do a little exposition here to bring you up to speed. I’m not sure what your “divine” belief system is, whether you believe in a God of any kind or not but most religions, across the board, will tell you that God is in everything and everyone and that is true (God even in exists within the Ghetto Shaman column, if you can believe that). But, for the record, God is NOT judgy, punishy guy sitting on a throne somewhere writing down a list of things you’ve done wrong. That’s Santa Claus and, sure, they’re friends and all, but they’re in no other way affiliated.

God IS unconditional love, and that’s it. A big huge ocean of sentient and aware unconditional love that is in love with you. No one person is the totality of the divine but each person contains their own spark of the divine that can be expanded to the extent that total awareness and God realization is remembered—and, if we keep expanding and illuminating, our very bodies can dissolve into this super high vibrational particular golden light (don’t insert another lousy acronym joke, guys, I’m trying to be serious here). So again, that divinity is in everyone—that spark of love and gratitude.  We can allow that part to expand and become the predominant experience of our lives… the thing that takes the wheel so to speak.

Our little human brand of God also includes the ability to create. So here’s where we get back to the alien stuff. You knew it was coming, right? Apparently, however, there are “good guy” aliens and “bad guy” aliens, just like there are “good guy” people and “bad guy” people (really there is no good or bad, it all just is—but that’s another post).

I truly believe many species of aliens have visited our planet throughout history and some are actually living among us (see any Crank feature). Many species who visit our beautiful little Earth have these little devices that can read other life forms’ energy fields. Often times, when aliens visit our world and their little gizmo shows them what our energy field contains—which senses our ability to create—some freak out and take a headlong run to the galactic hills…for their lives.  White man came across the sea, he brought us pain and…sorry, miles away.

Some of the bad guy aliens have figured out a way to deactivate that spectacular ability that we have to create so they aren’t so readily destroyed. What is there deactivation device, you ask? Fear. The more humankind stays in a state of fear, the less empowered they are, the less likely they are going to be “in the flow” and fully experiencing the creativity that flows through them and live a fully engaged life where fear, sadness, anger and such are recognized, honored, loved, accepted and integrated as much as the happy joy emotions so that they don’t build up inside; they become distorted and end up being what rules our experience. Yep, aliens love Karl Rove and those fear mongering Fox and Friends, who knows, maybe they’re even funding them!

There is nothing wrong with any of these emotions. It’s our denial of them that gets things all wacked out. They serve a purpose, and it’s a good one and there’s actually as much joy in those emotions as the joyful ones. It’s all about enjoying the illusion of separateness and without anger, sadness, shame, guilt, fear, envy, jealousy, etc., we couldn’t have this little party of the divine—a divine interacting with itself in any and every way it can think of and loving every minute of it.

So we’ve got the bad guy aliens scaring us into submission. Why are they doing this? Well, one brand of the aliens apparently evolved so much into their mind that they literally lost or greatly reduced their heart center and of course, without love, there’s nothing, because that’s all there is, and so they’re going extinct. So yes, there have been abductions and all kinds of attempts at inter-breeding so they could get their heart back, but of course, that didn’t work and then The X-Files was cancelled. So where are the good guy aliens? I’m glad you asked!

Right now, astronomically, our beloved Earth is moving into alignment with the center of our galaxy. As we have been getting closer, an energetically noticeable shift began long, about 1988. It has continued to intensify since and will continue to do so, exponentially, as we move into direct alignment long about 12/2012. Then the Earth will take its time moving away again and the intensity will diminish until things “even out” about 2035. From what I understand, there is a butt load of pretty awesome, divine energy that emanates from the center of our galaxy. So as we line up with it, higher vibrations are showering our Earth, essentially rooting out all of the denser, lower vibrational energies. (love/gratitude=highest vibrational emotions, fear/sadness=lowest vibrational emotions [anger is simply empowered sadness].) So that’s why we see the all of the revolution taking place on smaller and larger scales, why one minute we’re flying high and the next minute we’re totally freaking out and have no idea why. This is the result of the higher vibrational energies working their way into the densest places and allowing what’s there to be finally expressed and dissolved. The Earth is doing the same thing. She’s been beat up on for so long now and it has hurt her in every way. So now she too is releasing wha

Sooooo, good guy aliens. Since Earth is already moving into alignment with the highest influx of cosmic, divine energy that it’s experienced in tens of thousands of years, and since, for some reason, the evolution of our planet seems to be pretty important inter-galactically lots and lots of good guy aliens, along with angels, light beings, etc., are working on our behalf to help us take this much-needed leap forward in our evolution as a species. That’s why more and more people are seeing triangles, spirals and such over different cities around the world, governments are releasing their formally top secret alien information, and there has been talk that the UN is considering appointing a First Contact Person for Earth-Alien Relations. John Bolton? The trick, however, is we must be a part of it. Our evolution out of a lower vibrational experience, ruled by hatred, violence, fear, sadness, anger, guilt, envy, shame and the illusion of separation into a higher vibrational experience of love, gratitude, joy, bliss, creativity, inspiration, celebration and oneness— is happening through us, not to us. We must consciously make the choice when we find ourselves in stressful and upsetting situations to take a moment and look inside and discover why we’re upset in order to facilitate our highest expression possible and to prevent more pain and suffering that will eventually need to be dissolved and integrated.

When someone upsets us, it really has nothing to do with them, even if they say the most awful or inappropriate thing (see any Discord article). When someone says something critical of us about something we have confidence in then we don’t really care. It’s when someone says something about what we’re insecure about or that we have a sensitivity to…that’s when we get defensive or hurt—like when Zano first gave me feedback on this post, the rotten backstabbing…breathe.

They are not really hurting you, they are merely giving you the gift of awareness—awareness that there is something unresolved within you. They are not giving you pain, they are giving you a pointer to where you already have lots of pain stored up and a heads up that it needs your attention. So go into the pain that’s triggered, fully experience it, let the mind assist only to the degree that it helps you to figure out why you feel how you feel by asking questions like, “When did I feel this before?”, ” What does this remind me of?”, “Why am I thinking of my Dad all of a sudden?” It’s not even important sometimes to know why you feel bad. It’s through fully experiencing the feeling that the truth can be discovered. It’s by fully allowing the pain of that past experience to be fully expressed, through crying, shouting at an empty chair where you imagine the source of your pain to be sitting, journaling, expressing the emotion through our creative outlets, our artistic expressions, that it can finally dissolve and stop being our ruling experience. We are all made of joy–joy of God, joy of that divine essence which, again, is only unconditional love and gratitude. For most of us, it’s just got a lot of shit piled on top of it that needs to be accepted, experienced, loved for exactly what it is and then integrated.

So that’s your alien Update –along with your human evolution update. So if the news starts sharing breaking stories of alien contact, rest assured it shall not be of the “V” or “Battle LA” variety, it will be more like the “Whassup? We’re here to help fo’ real, yo” variety. Aaaannd now you know how we get to help ourselves and the Earth.  The good guy aliens, angels, light beings and the divine move us into the highest expression of ourselves and finally have nothing but a good time all the time! It can be done. It is happening now. It starts within each and every one of us. Connect with your divine and receive all the love you can. Fill up and let it spill out into all of the people around you and you will be a part of making this world a better place! Thank you!! …and I love you! ♥

Oh, and you might want to start this little project by limiting the time you spend reading the Daily Discord.  Kidding!  Well, sort of…

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the “BLOW” IN “BLOW JOB” IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA

Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you’re only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA

Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor’s imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don’t know where he is and that’s, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the “Ask Your Question, Bitch” button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday…ish.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.

Dear Kristina,

I’ve only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an’ mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken’ it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil’ chick’n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org

Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an “Arab yut”?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question “howz dem fine Discord honies mon!” doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman