Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture

Dolphin Mothers Boycott Discord

Alex Bone

Philadelphia, PA—Dolphin Mothers Against Humans Nailing Aquatic Beings In Theatrical productions or D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T protested outside of the Daily Discord’s Philadelphia Tower today. Hundreds turned out to see these underwater mammals hold signs proclaiming the evils of dolphin pornography and push rubber balls with their noses.

Zano immediately went home after a dolphin sprayed his shirt with water, so I interviewed Discord contributor, Tony Ballz.

“I used to work at D.A.G.N.A.B.I.T.,” said Ballz. “It was pretty cool.”

When I told him it was not a record store and asked him to comment on the protest, he looked out the window and said, “Who cares? I can’t understand a thing those *&^$%(    %^$*%^#@ $%#&^%@ are squeaking.”

(Incidentally, Tony managed to say all of Carlin’s 7 things you should never call a dolphin.)

Our CEO, Pierce Winslow, was off ‘recruiting’ Discord writers in Maui so I asked our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, what she thought about Dolphin porn. “I can’t see why everyone around here is so into it, but then again, my colleagues still play with Hot Wheels and eat ice cream for dinner. Oh, and I saw Alex Bone’s New Year’s resolutions and they included killing more crawdads, building a bridge to the moon, and learning how to piss like a fire hose. So nothing surprises me.”

William Lynn was also on hand and had helped organize the event. “You wouldn’t believe the effort it took to transport all of these aquariums here and carving tuna into the shape of Pierce Winslow was no easy feat either. When asked why he was so passionate against dolphin porn he said. “Oh no, I love Dolphin porn. Can’t get enough of the stuff. Actually, I have a subscription to Blow Hole. I just hate the Discord ever since they published that piece about how I was the founder of The White Elders for Twilight fan club, or T.W.I.T.s. And I’m still really pissed about that Harry Potter-jammies post while watching Day of the Dolphins. A shred of decency, that’s all I ask of these clowns.”

I did get one quote from our CEO to wrap this story up, “If anything is damaged in or around our property I’m stringing you looney tunes up! I’ll admit this protest looks worse than the Ukraine thing…well, at least it does from my iPad by the pool.”

Hef and the Dead

Tony Ballz

Hugh Hefner needed to be hip. The Playboy magnate could not let the times pass him by, he had to stay abreast of what the youth were into. The survival of his magazine, his empire, and the Playboy lifestyle depended on it. Uncool was not an option.

In 1959-1960, Hef hosted Playboy’s Penthouse, a program broadcast locally in Chicago which purported to recreate a typical night at the Playboy Mansion with celebrity buddies “just dropping in” to drink martinis and crack jokes and ogle the girls.

Hef signed a deal with CBS in late 1968 to host Playboy After Dark, a coast-to-coast version of his earlier show, but recast as a sort of bridge to the hippie culture overtaking America. The guest stars were the usual tired showbiz geezers, but the musical acts were first-rate: James Brown, Steppenwolf, Iron Butterfly, Grand Funk Railroad, Three Dog Night, Harry Nilsson, Fleetwood Mac, The Byrds, and more. It was Hef’s ticket to hipness.

Playboy writer/cartoonist/oddball Shel Silverstein was introduced to the Grateful Dead, the hippiest of the hippie bands, in 1968. Shel asked if they were interested in performing on Playboy After Dark. The Dead, who had never done a TV appearance, were intrigued; not only at the exposure, but at the chance for a great prank. They met Hef and all was groovy. A date was set for the taping: January 18, 1969.

The Dead’s live soundman and chief prankster was Bear, aka Augustus Owsley Stanley III. Bear came from a privileged background: his grandfather (Owsley Stanley The First) was a U.S. Senator and Governor of Kentucky. After falling in with Ken Kesey’s crowd, the amateur chemist found his purpose in life: to turn on the world. Between 1965-1967, he manufactured over a million hits of exceptionally pure LSD, which were distributed free. Among the recipients were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. For years afterward, “Owsley Acid” meant quality product.

When the Dead played Kesey’s Acid Tests, the LSD was located in a punch bowl, open to all. When they started performing in concert halls, they had to figure out new ways of turning everyone on. If a communal dispenser wasn’t available, Bear and the band would sneak around and dose people’s drinks on the sly. No one was sure what the scene at Playboy After Dark would be like, but Bear was bringing two loaded eyedroppers just in case.

Hef did not learn of the Dead’s backstage antics until after they were already booked. Despite all his attempts to be hip, Hef was scared of getting dosed. He had never taken LSD and wasn’t about to start now. He brought Shel Silverstein into his confidence and Shel offered to be his beverage protector.

Coca-Cola was Hef’s drink of choice. His contract stipulated two cases always on set. They were watched over by an aide who opened each bottle and handed it only to Shel, who delivered it directly to Hef and then kept his eyes peeled for any hijinx.

The Dead arrived at the CBS Studios in Los Angeles with freak flags flying. They found the atmosphere a bit stodgy and uptight. The women were attractive, but all wore cocktail dresses. Except the two Token Negroes, every man present was wearing a tux or a suit jacket/turtleneck/slacks combo. None had hair past their shoulders. Bunnies on loan from the L.A. Playboy Club circulated with hors d’oevres. The place felt like a dentists’ convention.

The band set up in front of an impressive-looking wall of ceiling-to-floor stereo equipment. Intrigued, keyboardist Tom “TC” Constanten removed one of the panels to peek behind it. There were no wires or anything attached. The entire backdrop was a false front.

At the time, the Grateful Dead were a seven-piece: Jerry Garcia and Bob Weir on guitars, Phil Lesh on bass, drummers Bill Kreutzmann and Mickey Hart, TC on keyboards, and conga & organ player/vocalist Pigpen. With such a large group, balance issues were important, and Bear assumed he would be working closely with the studio crew.

To his dismay, Bear was told that CBS ran an all-union house. Not only was his advice unwelcome, he was not allowed to adjust one microphone or even be present in the control room while the Dead were playing. Although Bear was older than several of the techs, he looked like a weirdo and the CBS guys openly snickered at him. Bear stalked out of the booth, fuming.

This was the deciding moment. Time to change the channel, folks. Lock up your daughters, the freaks have taken control. Bear strolled over to the catering station and casually dumped the eyedroppers into the coffee urn. He then went up to Garcia and murmured in his ear:

“It’s in the coffee. Both droppers.”

“Out of sight.”

The word spread. The Dead and co. all partook, except for abstainers TC and Pigpen. No one outside their camp was clued in. Many of the extras were returning from dinner and enjoyed a cup or two. By the time the shoot began, the whole room was vibrating and Bear’s mood had lightened considerably. He and the band grinned at each other.

“Say, this is some good coffee!”

“Really gives you a lift, doesn’t it?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, KLSD is on the air!”

“Receiving signal loud and clear … and my TV’s not even plugged in!”

Jerry Garcia had agreed to a short interview before the set. He was instructed to make small talk as the camera moved through the “party” to their table. Garcia, incongruous among the tuxedoed crowd in a rainbow colored poncho with scraggly long hair and beard, was flying on acid and did as he was told.

JG: Well, so there we were. Six or seven of us, armed to the teeth with buck knives …

HH: (interrupting) Jerry, the Grateful Dead has been part of the San Francisco scene about four or five years. Is the hippie scene changing now? I understand that um …

JG: Yeah, we’re all big people now.

HH: I understand the Haight-Ashbury scene has changed a good deal.

JG: Well, Haight-Ashbury is just a place, you know? It’s just a street, it’s not really the thing, it never was the thing that was going on.

HH: It was just the thing that got the publicity.

JG: Right, right, that’s the thing that people could talk about because it’s easy to remember.

HH: Well … about a summer ago, they held a funeral for hippiedom.

JG: Right, right, and that was all of us saying, “We’re not going to tell anybody anymore what we’re doing.”

HH: Start enjoying it again, huh?

JG: Right! Right.

HH: Well, I noticed that with your own group, you’ve got kind of a stereo effect going on here with drums, two complete sets of drums and two drummers … um, obviously for a purpose …

JG: Right. Mutual annihilation.

HH: I see. In other words, the guys kind of compete with one another?

JG: Well, they more chase each other around. It’s like the serpent that eats its own tail and it goes round and round like that and if you can stand in between ’em, they make big figure eights on their sides in your head.

HH: I don’t think I’m going to stand between ’em, I think I’ll stay back a little ways … but I notice that the guys are near their instruments here and the kids have kind of settled down, I wonder if we could get you to do a number for us?

JG: Absolutely not.

(a half-second of silence, then laughter and applause.

HH: Good.

(Jerry walks to stage right and perches on an amp with his acoustic guitar)

JG: You bet, right you are. Uh, Mountains Of The uh … Moon. That’s the one, the big one up there at night.

TC is at the harpsichord, while Bob Weir sits on the lip of the stage with his 12-string, chatting up a pretty blonde. The trio perform a delicate “Mountains Of The Moon” from the Dead’s upcoming LP Aoxomoxoa. The elegant couples sway in time as the cameras slowly pan across them.

Garcia and Weir then strap on their electric guitars and the full band launches into “St. Stephen”. Hef and girlfriend Barbi Benton watch, arms around each other tight with that “we just had sex in the grotto” vibe. The Dead’s two-drummer lineup is louder than hell and the weirdness starts as the acid really kicks in.

Several of Hef’s guests, eyes wide, depart the premises, claiming illness. One of the dancing bunnies disrobes as the group plays. Hef begins to suspect something is up, but Shel (who knows exactly what is up) assures his boss that this is the effect the Dead’s music has on their audience. Hef buys it and puffs his pipe. Bear lurks around, itching to dose Hef’s drink, but Silverstein is watching it closely.

Meanwhile, there is pandemonium in the booth. The house sound engineer is useless, babbling about knobs and dials and electricity to his coworkers. He is sent home and a smirking Bear is found, apologized to, and made an honorary union man for a day. Bear is used to mixing the Dead’s live shows with state of the art equipment while on massive amounts of LSD, and the CBS board, 20 years out of date, is a cinch.

On the monitor, Camera Three has the naked girl’s breasts in perfect focus and will not let them go.

“Camera Three, can you pan to a wide shot of the group?”

“OK, Camera Three, very funny. Now will you move off of her tits, please?”

“Camera Three, hello? Anybody home? George, what the hell is going on down there?”

On the floor, the voices in George’s earphones appear to be coming from another planet in some alien language. George drank a nice big cup of coffee about an hour ago and is enjoying the best day he has ever had at work. He’s never filmed a naked woman before and wants to be 100% professional and capture every moment. This band, the Dreadful Grape or whatever, was pretty darn good too. On one level, George knows that he is operating a camera on a crane, but another part of his brain is convinced he is actually riding a long-necked dinosaur. Just wait until the kids hear about this!

George’s supervisor stands on the floor yelling up at him. George has removed his shirt and headset and refuses to come down. Dammit, he has a job to do! He keeps the camera steady on the bunny’s chest.

The Grateful Dead are only scheduled to do two songs, but they jam for an hour. No one wants to stop them. The studio is full of suburbanites tripping their faces off and dancing like maniacs. Even Hef and Barbi leave their lovers’ nook to boogie. After making sure they have some usable footage, the crew shut down the equipment and call it an early night while the Dead play on. Later, Shel Silverstein tells the group that this was the nearest the show ever came to having an actual party on the set. Hef successfully avoided any surprises in his drink.

A week after the taping, the Grateful Dead record one of their performances at the Avalon Ballroom which is used for part of their epochal Live/Dead LP. The band do not play on network television again until their 1978 appearance on Saturday Night Live.

Playboy After Dark lasted two seasons and 52 episodes before being canceled in 1970. Two best-of DVDs were released in 2006. The show remains a fascinating artifact of its era, a strange attempted crossover where you can almost see and hear the cultures clashing. Hugh Hefner never hosted another variety program.

Only Your $ Stays in Vegas

The Crank

So there I was, on my way to Sin City the day after hearing the great news from my Orthopedist that the slightest fall or accident could leave me with more in common with Professor Stephen Hawking than I would like. “Doc, are were talking quadrophenia?”

“The Who? …er…yes, and that headache you’ve had for over a year? …well, that’s part of it too. No cure, just don’t fall or have any kind of accident. If it gets real bad, we can do surgery that probably won’t work.”

So having lost big-time at the Genetic Wheel of Fortune, I was on my way to Sin City to try my hand at another type of gambling. You see, my lovely wife was needing a little getaway so I found that midweek there are some great deals in Vegas—booked us a hotel center strip for $57 per night. What could go wrong? Famous Las…words.

The ride was great, complete with unbelievable scenery which my wife slept through for the entire 5 ½ hour trip. I marveled at the magnificent things to behold, all the while listening to the GPS lady telling me, well, even she nodded off:

“The next 200 miles, you will find zzzzzzzzzz…”

It’s amazing what passes for a town in northwestern Arizona. Wikiup , no really, Wikiup is a group of six small mobile homes with a gas station. Northwest of that? Nuffin. Nuffin until the Hoover Dam.

My wife’s Sonata is quite nice: 41 mpg and fat man comfort at 80 mph. Oh, and by the by, at 80 mph and up, out where the buses don’t run, Chrysler 300s and the like will pass you as if you were standing still.

As we neared Vegas, the GPS awoke and led me to the Mirage. As it turned out, we weren’t alone. Nascar, the Rodeo, and the entire population of Nashville were also in town…simul-fucking-taneously.

Do you know what a football field room, filled with machines all glowing and making wonderful noises does to a certified ADHD sufferer? As I sat on an unoccupied chair in the middle of the casino, it was as if the clouds parted and the choir began singing.

You talk about “oh look, a squirrel!?” This is that on steroids. I didn’t really have to play, I just sat there drinking it all in. They bring those to you too. Bells ringing, electronic noises, flashing lights, buzzers, tumbling wheels with colorful pictures on them. It was like my home away from….look an Elvis!

The place was filled with chain-smoking, cowboy-hatted, gap-toofed shit-kickers (send your letters to askMeIfIGiveAShit@DailyDiscord.com). And, for some reason what seemed like half the country of South Korea was also in attendance, acres and acres of them, all feeding various forms of sure loser machines. We grabbed a meal in the hotel at a Carnegie Deli—ridiculously large sandwich, but complete with real NY flavor—but soon realized that the air in the casinos was unbreathable with cigarette smoke.

We tried hitting a show, which was when I found out why it’s so cheap here on weekdays. No shows early in the week. Just Lounge Lizards and magicians—you know, people even The Discord would turn down.

As we awoke the next day, we planned our one full day in Vegas. Breakfast at the hotel buffet, then off to walk the strip and see some other hotels. It was then, when I put on the room’s TV, that I saw that it was 28 degrees outside. I was all warm and cozy in my unzippable spring jacket…NOT. I froze my fat ass off as we walked to the Caesars’ Palace.

The Palace appears to be the biggest hotel on the strip. Almost ridiculous in size, yet the casino was old, the chairs ripped, and the slot machines scratched up. Not impressed. They did have a real nice shopping mall attached to it, where the idea was to recreate a Roman era town, with arched streets with stone like pavers, where each store front was a different building complete with a curved roof painted as the sky. All of it lit as if it were dusk. Pretty cool.

Next was The Bellagio. Modern, beautiful, and very expensive, but very worth it to those who have the geld. We went to see the fountains out front, but they only work from 3:00 PM on so we played the slots a little. As we went through my mom’s stuff after she passed, I found a small jar with quarters in it that she was saving to take to ‘the Indians’ as she used to call The Mohegan Sun in Connecticut. I had saved that little jar for years and my wife had a dream where she won $23,000.00 with Mom’s quarters.

So we brought the jar, but I soon realized that Vegas was now a ‘paper-in, paper-out’ machine town, so we proceeded to try to have them converted to cash at the casino’s cashier. The Mirage casino cashier told us she couldn’t take them all, but she would take half (?), and then she came to tell us to say the coin counter was out, so she would have to hand count them. Buh-buy.

We took them the Bellagio where they converted them all for us. My wife and I each took half to a machine to bet in honor of Mom. My wife hit one for $230.00! No shit….only off a few zeroes.

After a trip through Harrah’s (not at all impressed), it was now so cold I could not walk anymore, so we took a taxi back to the Mirage to warm up, eat, and plan the evening. We decided to eat at the buffet we had breakfast at, and it was great. It had better be, at 36 bucks each. Real gourmet food. Except the shrimp’s cocktail sauce. Evil drek it was, ruined a whole pile of the little curly bastards that I had planned to devour. How do you screw up cocktail sauce Vegas? Really?

Anyway, a short taxi ride back to Bellagio, and there I was, standing in what was by now almost single digit temperatures (the lowest they have had in years). I watched the fountains dance to the theme from Titanic. Yup, that one. “Yes Honey, it was beautiful, and SO worth it!” I said as the snot froze in a solid stream straight out from my nose amidst 40 mph winds.

We then took a taxi to The Freemont Street Experience, what used to be main street Vegas before the strip, back in the mob days. Freemont Street is known for having a large blocks-long video screen above the street, which is now all pedestrian. They usually have things like running horses and such, all moving above your head. The casino hotels down there are the oldest ones in Vegas, and as such, have some of the best prices, and better odds, or so I am told. We get there to find that three Country Music concerts are being shown this very evening simul-fucking-taneously, so fully half the street is closed off for concert goers to honor the country music people. The overhead video spectacular was a video of an oak floor. That’s it, a fucking oak floor. A twenty dollar taxi ride, frozen solid, and I look up to show my wife, “hey honey, look up at the video I told you about!” A moving video of a stationary oak floor. Um, ok. So we went into some of the old casinos. They were, well old. The slots there seemed to me worse than the ones on the strip. My head is now hurting blazes, so we taxi back to Mirage, have a snack, and off to bed. The next AM we had breakfast, checked out and left.

We did stop at the Hoover Dam on the way back and took the tour. I highly recommend this to anyone going that way. Magnificent engineering feat.

Despite the bullshit, we actually enjoyed the ride and shall return again. This time I want to check out the Hard Rock and the Venetian.

“And Mr. Crank?”

“Yes Doc?”

“Above all, whatever you do, do not ever look up”.

“Uh…ok.”

So I did get to see the bottom half of the pole of the Stratosphere and the base of the Great Pyramid of Luxor.

Crank

Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time

Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

Such remarks usually ignite a national debate, though this one was more of a political food fight. First of all, why does this surprise anyone? Look at who you’re dealing with: lily white boys from the deep-south swamps of Louisiana, aka the poster-children for intolerance and bigotry. You know, real Americans, good Christian bible-beaters all. I’d be shocked and alarmed if they didn’t feel that way. This is like being surprised when W invades the wrong country or Bloomberg knocks a Big Gulp out of someone’s hand. It’s to be expected.

Why does anyone care what this guy says anyway? We shouldn’t give Phil Robertson any more credence than we give Pat Robertson. And at least Pat doesn’t look like ZZ Top gone Sasquatch. Just because they make a Chia Pet in someone’s likeness doesn’t mean we should take them seriously. Doing so just makes them feel important.

Lest we forget their rural and geographic handicap. Until this TV thing came along Jed and the rest of the Clampetts made their fortune making little devices to lure innocent ducks to their demise. And in order to pull off this major feat, they have high-tech camouflage and weaponry to blast these creatures out of the sky. Wow, blasting Donald and Daffy to oblivion; I’m impressed. How about you go toe-to-toe with an Orangutan, hand-to-hand? Granted you have the height and weight advantage but that’s set off by the Orangutan’s higher intelligence. I’d pay money to see that ape rip your arm out of its socket and beat you over the head with it.

And that leads me into the next question: how do the antics of these morons warrant a TV show? A&E no less. Really? This drivel constitutes Arts & Entertainment? Wouldn’t this be more appropriate for Animal Planet, the Military Channel, or maybe Country Music Television? Or how about Fox News? There’s a channel already filled with shit you can’t believe. What’s worse is this circus is one of the highest rated TV shows on the planet…Animal Planet. And people say our society isn’t falling apart. Oh, wait, they do say that. But if society is falling apart, these prejudiced moralists aren’t helping.

So, for Robertson’s efforts, the so called patriarch of this brood has been suspended from their show. On that note I have to say that I fully support his right to say his piece. That’s the very cornerstone of American democracy. As such, I am also allowed to say:

“F-off, you donkey raping shit eater,” or “blow me you testicle-shitting rectal wart”.

In fact, I can use any other South Park quote I see fit to plagiarize. This should not be an issue, just as with the 100 times it has happened in the last couple of years. As everyone is so adamant about pointing out, we do have the right to say what we want, except for the profanity and the decency censorship on broadcast television…

SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happily, this is the internet.

I can do what I waunt, biotch.

The real backlash came when A&E suspended Robertson from the show. Everyone is in an uproar. The right crying “fowl”…sorry…for suspending him; the left crying “foul” because they didn’t cancel the show outright. Look, A&E is funding his show. The reason he was in that interview in the first place was because of that program. A&E has the right to do whatever they want with their show. Robertson may have the right to say whatever he wants, but he also has to be prepared to accept the consequences of doing so.

Will it be a full Paula Deen, or a mere Alec Baldwin? In the end, the final outcome will not be driven by political correctness, or free speech, or a moral basis of any kind. What it all comes down to is money. Which demographic does Arts & Entertainment value most, the mass of yokels that watch that one show, or the entire LGBTQ community who happen to watch the rest of their schedule?

Addendum: Just this morning A&E announced that the homophobe was reinstated and that the shooting (pun intended) will resume in the spring. Chalk one up for the real Americans, and one down for the betterment of society.

Eternal Damnation, Probably

Dave Atsals

I, Dave Atsals, just got told by another man donning a white collar that I am slated for Hell. His exact words were, “No amount of Hail Marys or good deeds will get you out of this one, Dave.” This marks strike four and, as far as priests go, I guess that’s the magic number. So I’ll be burning, burning, burning, like that Johnny Cash song. So let’s list my four unforgivable acts of unsaintliness (note to editor: please check if that’s a real word).

Act 1:  Alter Falter (which is also Charley Manson’s Next Album)

Place:  My friend Steve’s wedding, Hackensack, NJ

Year:  1994

Circumstance:  They had alter girls at the wedding and after settling in at the table to enjoy the reception festivities, we began discussing this fact.  I soon offered my opinion, “The Church probably felt more comfortable with the little girls around the priests than the little boys.”  I knew I had a problem as I watched Mick Zano’s cringing facial expression.  He motioned over my shoulder and, when I turned around, the priest who presided over the wedding ceremony was in the chair directly behind me.

This conversation then commenced:

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  probably.

Act II:  And The Lord Said Let There Be…Crap

Place:  The Genetti Hotel, Williamsport, Pa.

Year:  1998.

Circumstance:  The maintenance department was checking the fuses because they where not labeled.  They were shutting off all the power in the hotel and then turning the fuses back on, one by one, so they could label the newly installed panel box.  I was working at the time and figured this would be a great time to hit the can.  While using the urinal, in the dark, a man walked in next to me and shined a light on his crotch. Figuring it was the other maintenance man, I said, “Hugh, I didn’t need a light to find mine in the dark.”

Just as I said this the lights came on. Not only could I see the man next to me using the urinal, I could see his white collar of priesthood. 

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Act III:  Use Jugs Not Drugs

Place:  The First Church of Christ

Year:  2000

Circumstance:  I was a bartender at the time period and got to bartend at the big Mardi Gras Celebration.  The Mardi Gras Celebration in Williamsport is known for topless women who often love to pose with their bartenders.  I got to be in several of these, my favorite of which was with a woman aptly named Jugs.  She posed by laying one of each of her…um, you know, on each of my shoulders.  I was in heaven at the time.  So there go 15 of the disposable camera’s 24 pictures. The last nine of which I took at my son’s first Holy Communion.

I guess you can see where this is going… 

My wife developed the pictures not knowing that I did not take them all at church.  She even shared them unknowingly with Father Pete.  As I saw her doing this I made a mad dash towards them just in time to hear the priest say, “Look at those…um, you know.”

Dave:  Am I going to hell for this?

Father Pete:  Probably.

Act IV:  Blessed Are The Steelers

[Winslow: IIII is not a Roman numeral, Dave]

Place:  Annunciation Church

Year:  not sure.

Circumstance:  At his first holy confessional my son told the priest he had sinned because, “My father told me I did.”  He explained that when he had recently tried to watch cartoons on Thanksgiving I had told him it was in the Bible that you had to watch football on Thanksgiving. His grandfather later confirmed this important nugget of wisdom and even claimed it was from the book of Genesis.  While being stopped by the priest on the way out and lectured about this misguided information the conversation went like this:

Dave:  Am going to hell for this?

Priest:  Probably.

Well, there you have it folks, four strike…four strikes and you’re bound for hell. Well, probably.

Cluster Blank: the Movie

The Crank

There I was up to my knees in caribou dung, surrounded by a thousand Ezakwantu tribe’s women naked to the waist. Sorry, another Wild Kingdom flashback. Here’s the thing, my now regular Monday morning trip to the bank for my Unemployment Obamamoney went south…southern Africa Ezakwantu tribe’s women south. Also known as, you trust big government? Why?

So I got showered, shaved, dressed and was ready to go on my big outing of the day. But, before I go, I always go online to ensure my—held for my own good for 40+ years by the Government—weekly Ucard allotment funds are available.

At about the same time all this is going on, the Arizona Department of Economic (please don’t laugh) Security sends me a second Ucard from a different bank. First clue, the new card has no accompanying note.

I go online to activate my new Ucard and then promptly insert into my wallet. Then I attempt to check the old card’s website. I log-in and see there’s $0.00 on the old card. I ASSUME Zano stole my money. It’s happened before…actually, I thought that meant my money is on the new card. I go online and try to set up an online account for the new card.

Proceed to Clusterblank one:

Please put your card number here. I do

Please choose a user name. I do.

Please choose a password. I do.

You are now ready to use you online account.

Well, notsomuch. What follows is an endless loop of ‘name, password, wrong username, wrong password, Please reenter account info That account has been set up, please enter name username password, wrong username wrong pass…aw screw it!

On the card is a phone number to call. If I had use of an electron microscope, I could not possibly read the number, as it is printed within the rear end of the embossed words on the other side, and done so small an eagle would look down and just shrug.

Taking many repeated guesses at the number, I finally discover:

No, there is no money here either.

Time taken here for eight-pack of twinkies and six-pack of Coke. For a moment I actually wondered if they still make Salem Light 100’s. Now I am in the unenviable position of having to somehow find out why from The Department of Economic (OK, laugh) Security, using either the phone or the internet.

Proceed to Cluster blanks two thru eleven:

I go online to the website I use to fill out my weekly claim. I see a phone number, so I call.

(Cluster blanks two, three and four)

Please listen to entire message as all options have changed.

If your account number ends in one, two or three, you must call on Mondays only.

….Here we go again.

If your account number ends in four, five or six, you must call on Tuesday…

I realize now that it is telling me we have come to the end of the world as we know it, it had better end much later in the week for me.

I decided to call.

It then says to enter your account number. It actually tells you if you lie, the system will compare the phone number you are calling on to your account number, and hang up. I call their bluff. I then hear, Click.

(Cluster blanks five, six and seven)

I then see at the bottom of the page a number listed for complaints/issues related to payment. Yes, I then called the number. What followed was a closed loop of messages about how anything you want to know can be accessed on the website (no), followed by a repeating “Please Wait”, followed by the message again, ad nauseum, then after almost 45 minutes, it leads you back to the “please listen to entire message as all options have changed.”

If your account number ends in one, two or three, you must call on Mondays only.

Miserable fat bald inefficient tax robbing gubmint workers.

(Custer blanks eight and nine)

Going back to the website, I find a page that is supposed to tell you your earnings were for last week.  According to this page, the last week I got paid for was two weeks ago. The only problem is that I actually got paid for the week before last. It then asks me to file for the two weeks missing. Problem two? I filed for last week also. I then have to make a command decision. Do I refile, and risk lifetime incarceration for double filing?

(Cluster blank 10)

More Twinkies, More Coke, now looking for a place nearby that sells Salems.

I decide to refile and see what happens, after all, Mexico is only a short drive.

The website then tells me the money that is my own that they make me beg for may be on the Ucard as early as the next morning. Or, whenever.

Now, I see a link to email for the obligatory ‘complaints/issues’. I then find out that for some reason, only all caps works in the little box in which they want you to write your message. It is only befitting that I ‘yell’ my whole horrible story to some vacant-headed troll.

(Cluster blank 11)

These are the same people that want us to trust them to handle the administration of our healthcare?

Um, no

belch-simultaneous cough/fart

Crank

Tobacco Lobbyists Introduce Spokesman Kenny the Crawdad

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an attempt to increase cigarette and chewing tobacco sales to children, the Tobacco Industry revealed its plan to introduce its new spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad. This smiling cartoonish caricature of a smoking lobster-like-thing is already slated for television, children’s magazines, and billboards across our great nation.

Tobacco Lobbyist Paul Maul said, “For too long we’ve suffered from decreased sales as our older consumers are dying off in droves from lung cancer to emphysema to that other bad one. It’s really sad, for our stocks.”

When I pointed out that advertising for children to smoke was made illegal decades ago, Paul blew a thick puff of oily smoke into my face. “We’re talking about Congress here, Bone. A few well-placed brib…er, contributions, and we’re back in the Salem again. After all the free cartons I passed around our Capitol Building, hell, that’s what this government shutdown is about. It’s one big smoke break. I even got cigarette taxes eliminated, go Teabaggers!”

Kenny the Crawdad’s catch phrases are already cropping up in playgrounds everywhere. Mr. Maul shared some of them with me, “Come on kids, smoking is cool! If you don’t smoke you’re gay. Don’t just screw, chew! No smokes, no sex. I love that last one because it’s true. I mean, what are you supposed to do after sex? Talk? Give me break…a smoke break. Besides, talking just leads to arguments.”

Apparently, lobbyists are not stopping there. Kenny has become so popular he is being employed by other companies and lobbyists. Maul shared some of these as well, “Condoms are for queers! You never lose when you’re pounding booze.  Sex is a great way to make new friends and a few extra bucks. Drugs are fun, home work is not! Playing outside is only for poor kids. Animals suck. Littering is cool,” and of course, “Stealing is the new crack.” Maul laughed which triggered a productive coughing fit, “Remember Flo from Progressive? You won’t after Kenny the Crawdad hits the scene.”

When I asked if these new slogans were a tad insensitive, Maul threw a zippo lighter at my face. “What do you want in your community meth or menthol labs!”

I don’t know what that even means, exactly, but the interview ended as I needed to stop the bleeding. Meanwhile, nay sayers are saying “nay” but Kenny’s growing popularity is thwarting any do-gooder mounted backlash (DGMB). But as Kenny would say. “Giving up is fine, kids, as long as you still have a valid medical marijuana card.”

Top 10: the Aftermath of NYC Comic-Con

1. Surrounding neighborhoods see 90% drop in wedgies, nuggies, and wet willies.

2. Batman captured and arrested by NYPD…a lot (bat utility belts prove ineffective)

3. Best costume goes to Homeless Mantis

4. X-Men change name to Transgender Warriors

5. Every Geek Squad employee in tri-state area calls in sick

6. An estimated 400 parents take advantage by evicting their adult children from basement. 

7. Bullies so bored that some are turning to comic books and Dungeons & Dragons

8. First functional TARDIS used to snag first edition Superman/Batman.

9. Stocks in hand lotion and Kleenex plummet

10. The sequester cut our last joke

Titties and Jesus

Tony Ballz

How many times have you seen this? A supermodel or pop star or actress is attending some Hollywood hoo-ha dressed in her best chest-baring gown. I mean, her breasts are RIGHT THERE in everyone’s faces. There’s no missing ’em. Even Stevie Wonder is all, “Damn, girl!”

And what is she wearing on a chain around her neck, dangling oh-so-enticingly inside that cleavage you could stick the Sunday paper in? Why, it’s THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, suffering and dying for your sins on his cross, which is located … right between the titties. Heaven, as it were.

Now, for those atheists, agnostics, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, recovering Catholics (like myself) and other heathens out there, this pageantry doesn’t mean jack. We’re too mesmerized by the boobs to notice her choice of jewelry. But what if you’re a Christian who staunchly believes in this religion? What kind of message is this sending?

“Hey bud, check out these fantastic titties! Buuuuut … JESUS IS WATCHING YOU! JEEEESUS IS WAAAATCHING YOOOUUUU! GUILT! SIN! AAAAGH! I’m sorry, My Savior … but … titties! Can’t … stop … looking … at … NO! EVIL! SIN! GUILT! TITTIES/JESUS, JESUS/TITTIES! I’M SO CONFUSED!”

Leave it to those goldarned Christians to torture themselves over sex, one of the most healthy and (dare I say it) normal urges owned by humans. You might as well feel guilty about being hungry, then hit the confessional right after dinner. “I’m sorry, Father … the food was just sitting there and I … I HAD to eat it! Oh help me, Lord!”

But it’s not just the followers of J.C. that are affected by this quaint superstition: we are an entire nation of prudes. European network TV has been showing nudity since the 1970s! Over here, Janet Jackson flashes her 37-year-old nipple and everyone goes apeshit.

“Oh my God, it’s a WOMAN’S BREAST! The most filthy, disgusting, vile abomination on Earth! Children, avert your eyes!”

More than prudishness, we are victims of The Big Tease, the one that doesn’t deliver. Ever wonder how a fine Amurrican Christian Republican good-ol-boy douchenozzle like Billy Ray Cyrus can allow his 14-year-old daughter to act like a slut on national television? The Big Tease. “Sex is OK honey, as long as you promise them something they will never get.”

“How dare you think such impure thoughts! That girl is a child! Evil! Sin! Guilt!”

“But … titties!”

Ever wonder why Disney productions like High School Musical feature hot actresses in their early 20s portraying teens? The Big Tease. “Hey sweetie, bet no one in your high school looked like THIS, hmm?” Girl, there aren’t teenagers ANYWHERE who look like that, you’re 23.

“For shame! She’s supposed to be in 12th grade! What kind of an ogre are you?”

“But … titties!”

Christians are into sex, just not that messy orgasm part.

Sexual frustration greases the wheels of our economy (at least it’s greasing something, ba-dum ch!). See, the Puritans didn’t want you to even THINK about sex, but Christians sure do, so they can hook you with The Big Tease and pour on the guilt and keep you coming back for more because you just can’t help yourself, you naughty sinner you. It’s as American as hair pie … er, apple pie.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Selena Gomez.

Record Store Day

Tony Ballz

At last year’s Record Store Day I couldn’t get my lazy carcass out of bed at 10AM, so I missed most of the goodies. This year I set my alarm. While perusing the list of releases, I stumbled upon the news that Motown was putting out a limited edition (5000 copies worldwide) of “It’s My Time”/”Go on and Cry”, the unreleased 1966 single by The Mynah Birds, the legendary group containing unlikely bandmates Neil Young and Rick James Bitch. The record geek/Neil freak in me salivated. Must … have … aargh (drool runs down chin).

Record Store Day was launched in 2008 as a way to drum up business for mom-and-pop retail music outlets. Many record labels, indie and non, release limited edition discs that are snapped up quickly.

It’s kind of like Black Friday in reverse. Instead of the vast majority of shoppers out braving riot-like scenes at the mall, Record Store Day’s clientele is a slim minority who would blanch if you called them “shoppers”. Instead of fighting for the best bargains, they will swallow any price slapped on the product with minimal grumbling (don’t want to appear uncool now). And while Black Friday signals the official start of the Christmas season, Record Store Day is near to no holiday, so it’s unlikely most items purchased are given as presents. It’s the difference between buying stuff for your friends and family versus buying stuff for yourself.

We would be SOL here in Flag if not for the existence of the Rock-It Man, seeing as how it’s THE ONLY PLACE IN TOWN to buy new records. Unless you count Hastings, which I don’t (does Hot Topic still sell vinyl?).

Saturday morning, I hopped out of the sack and rode downtown. I hit the Rock-It Man at 10:00 on the nose and was dismayed to find a line around 30 deep. Patience, patience. I thumbed through the dollar albums on the sidewalk and struck paydirt: Tim Buckley’s Lorca (in near-perfect shape), Mose Allison, Eddie Harris, Nilsson, the insanely rare There Are but Four Small Faces LP on Immediate, and a couple for my broke-ass roommate (Dylan’s Desire and Dave Mason’s Alone Together on the marbled vinyl). Score!

Dirty Steve was about the 12th person in line, waiting for the Morrissey/Poison Idea split 7″ (he left the store empty-handed and pissed). I told him I hoped the scene outside didn’t end up like that Who concert, with people shoving and breaking glass and getting trampled and setting stuff on fire and screaming: “No, no, outta my way, I MUST have the pink vinyl 78rpm Norah Jones/Danzig split! They only printed up 20! Put it down, you bastard, it’s mine! (sound of shotgun being cocked) I SAID PUT IT DOWN!”

I needn’t have worried. The collector scum, excuse me, record nerds waiting outside were quite docile, blinking in the AM sunlight like rats finally let out of the basement, their skin all pasty and near-translucent from constant exposure to the computer monitor glow. These were my people.

Eventually, I stepped into the inner sanctum. Ben was happily ringing up customers, of which there were at least 20 lined up. Of course, the 7-inches were on the far wall, blocked by all the bodies. I skimmed past the first few LP offerings: the Empire Records soundtrack, Phish’s Junta, the Breakfast Club soundtrack … thank you, no. Kind of wish I was still into The Flaming Lips, every Record Store Day would be twice as fun.

I scanned the wall and then I spied it: The Mynah Birds single! Oh my God, THERE WAS ONLY ONE LEFT! I broke into a sweat, my heart pounding. Easy, easy now … breathe … it took every ounce of restraint to not dive over the CD racks and start clawing at the seven or eight people between me and the object of my desire. I waited patiently, eyes locked on the prize.

I spotted a friend halfway up the line and I calmly asked her to grab the record when she was near enough. Situation in hand, I reeled in some booty: an unreleased Gene Clark single from 1970, a double pocket “Diddy Wah Diddy”/”Moonchild” set by Captain Beefheart, a 40-minute “Dark Star” 12-inch from The Grateful Dead’s Europe ’72 tour … and jumpin’ Jehosaphat, an import 7-inch of “Tin Soldier” by The Small Faces, one of the greatest rock and roll songs ever pressed up on wax. Seriously, it’s flawless. The way the arrangement stops in the middle so Ian MacLagan can pound out those electric piano chords and then Kenney Jones cracks his snare while Ronnie Lane’s bass goes ZOOP! into the bridge … Goddamn, it makes you glad you’re alive.

The guy in front of me started chatting. He was picking up a copy of the Phish LP, and he informed me that the original had a long psychedelic jam on side six that didn’t make the CD or the current issue. I said maybe there’s one of those cool etchings on that side instead and we both silently marveled at the possibilities.

The super ultra Phish reissue (limited edition of 6) had deluxe artwork, with the cover drawing inked in gold flecks mixed with the blood of a newborn bald eagle onto one of those sepia-toned daguerrotypes they used before film was invented. Each disc was as thick as a mountain bike tire, and the whole package weighed 175 pounds. It cost about two years’ rent and he had to bring in a co-signer and put up his house as collateral.

Amidst a cloud of incense smoke, the Rock-It Man staff brought the record out from a climate controlled vault on a velvet pillow, followed by a troupe of fire eaters, belly dancers playing finger cymbals, acrobats doing somersaults, and a nine-year-old Nubian boy who struck a small gong every 30 seconds. The procession followed the guy outside and chanted as he safety-belted the record firmly in the passenger seat of his VW van. He opened the side door and the fire eaters, belly dancers, acrobats, and the nine-year-old boy all crammed into the back of the van and it drove off. Man, Phish sure has some dedicated fans.

I looked at the wall. The Mynah Birds single was gone! My heart sank. I resigned myself to the knowledge that “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and prepared my plan to wait around the corner and beat the living crap out of whoever the culprit was, grab the record out of his hands and run like hell. Luckily, my friend turned around, said “here you go”, and put the artifact in my sweaty palms. Whew! I had it! Number 3197! Sure hope I remembered to bring my wallet.

Back at the house, I cranked the Mynah Birds and it sounded fantastic. I daydreamed: what if Rick James hadn’t been arrested for draft evasion in 1966 and the record had come out and it was a smash hit? Would the world of music have been any different? “I’m Neil Young, bitch!” Hmm, doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Only after arriving home did I realize I had purchased “Tin Soldier” twice: on an LP that cost a dollar and on a single that cost $15.99. Welcome to Bizarro World.