Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest.  He is currently deemed “still too disoriented” to help authorities. 

A search party was organized…well, just as soon as the campers had eaten breakfast, played a few rounds of horseshoes and found their underwear. But, to date, all attempts to locate Mr. Bone have been unsuccessful.  Authorities did find a half-finished pale ale near an area south of Parks Arizona known as the Lilly Ponds.  Since Bone was a fan of Bukowski and would never not finish a beer, his friends and family have concluded: the crawdads had their revenge at last.

Over the past several beers, Mr. Bone has become a well known spokesperson against crawdad rights. Here is a quote from his last ‘Crawdad Go Home Rally’ held in Wheeler Park in down town Flagstaff—which Fox News didn’t cover, on purpose, because they’re crawdad loving sympathizers(CLS):

“We all know that Crawdads are an evil invasive species, most likely sent to Earth to destroy all life by those brain sucking cowards the Migo. We’ll just suck their brains right back and cook up their tails too! I’m the last one to let some so-called intelligent Fungi boss me around. And don’t even get me started on Nyarlathotep. I got stung by a yellow jacket last week and I’m sure that that crawling chaos bastard was behind the whole sting!”

—Alex Bone

As far as anyone can tell, Bone lives in a dark Lovecraftian world, which exists on the very edge of our reality…or he’s on meth; we’re sure it’s one of the two. 

So far all local authorities have refused to help in the search for Bone.

The Flagstaff PD stated, “We still remember when that so called anarchist used to put on punk rock shows for the kids too young to get into bars. As a result of his influence, my son votes Democratic now and my daughter married a hippy.  If only they’d stayed home and watched Fox News 24/7.”  

The Park and Game Commission have also declined to be involved with anything to do with, “That damned liar, Zano.”

So the surviving members of M.A.M.A scoured the woods for their founder.

He-Who-Should-Not-be-Named, er…another words, someone who participated in the search but would like to remain anonymous, said “Sacrifices were made, like calling in sick, withdrawing money from their children’s college funds to help with more beer and munchy runs, smoking all of Uno’s weed (he shouldn’t have left it out), and burning all of Bone’s conspiracy theory books to keep warm…it got really cold that week and we were just too drunk to gather more firewood…”

The statement actually goes on for seventeen more paragraphs, but that was the only comprehensible part. Some of us here at the Discord can’t help but see the irony in his being dragged to his death and devoured by crawdads.  What a way to go for such a well known hero. After fighting his dark nemesis, the Xemmoni, or maybe his sanity, in the end it was those little bastards that took him down.  The sad thing is, witnesses noticed several sticks of butter missing that morning.

One camper commented, “Unless Devo was making some new friends, it must have been a horrible way for poor Alex to go.”

Mick Zano claims a crawdad hunt & bake is being held at the Lilly Ponds next weekend in Bone’s honor, “This way a little piece of Alex will be with us always…in a creepy cannibalistic kind of way.”

The Sheen phenomenon is unique…er, maybe. Many of these situations are sad, tragic, and pathetic, but I would argue this is different, yet still manages to embrace all three. We all know how this is going to end, or do we? I’m telling you, this one smells different.

For his latest exploits, Charlie started Sheen’s Korner, a new online extravaganza, complete with fart noises and endless “duhs.”

“No wonder the Discord doesn’t have his kind of audience. It’s Brilliant!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We need to make better use of the whole fart noise genre. There’s a whole bowel of untapped potential in that area.”

Sheen told his audience, “Check it, you’ve been warned . . . a violent torpedo of truth—love or hate—do the math!”

Never truer words were spoken, which is of course a fabrication. Everyone from the journalist, to the talk show host, to the resident expert is predicting his demise—which would normally be a safe bet.

“This is like all my other clients; his story is their story,” I heard someone say.

Ahhh, none of your clients probably have millions of dollars to fall back on and over a million Twitter followers. Besides, none of them are quite as entertaining as this larger-than-life spiral into the abyss. Sure we find delusions of grandeur and manic narcissism, but there are porn stars in his house…with him…right now. Half the country thinks that’s wicked cool (I’m talking about the male part, of course), even if some of them won’t admit it.

The Ghetto Shaman has commented on this Envious Sheen Phenomenon (ESP) and he believes Charlie needs to switch to hallucinogens (and has apparently already mailed him some). The Shaman believes Charlie needs to focus on his inner crazy and join him on his next Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.

What the Shaman and the Zano do agree on is this: Sheen is opting for a third way. He’s channeling those thoughts in his head into some epic yes!, some eternal embrace of not only life, but something infinitely more important: sex, drugs, and transgender prostitutes. Oh, wait, that’s Murphy.

I am not a party goer, he is saying I am party. He’s talking about Plato’s party, like he’s some archetypal avant-garde astronaut (AAGA). You can use that one Charlie. You’re welcome.

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

This is exactly what many geniuses and spiritual gurus might claim as they raise the frequency of their soul to harness those higher realms or spiritual energies. After all, there is a thin line between madness and genius—and Charlie Sheen has obviously tripped over that line in a drunken stupor. There’s a raw naked truth in what’s happening to him. There’s a message there and the message may seem garbled, but he represents us, right now, in the USA, 2011—as Frodo tells us, “Here, at the end of all things.”

Psychology and the realms of substance abuse treatment are of a single voice on this score:

You’re wrong again, Zano.

Sincerely,

The American Psychological Association

P.S. Oh, and please stop sending us your bar napkin, drunken thesis!

See? Don’t worry, they always send me that—it’s a form letter. Here’s why many argue madness is a very different thing from genius:

“Even acknowledged creative geniuses find that endurance must follow intuition. Einstein’s ideas were not worked out in a day. It takes a great deal of discipline, and often many bouts of trial and error, to work out an idea. Follow-through is critical to the realization of an idea. Discipline is not a hallmark of minds in the throes of emotional distress.”

—Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today

Yeah, but you’re forgetting the fart noise…it’s such an untapped medium. And I’m sure Sheen gets discipline, probably with leather involved. What about Vincent “Ear Today Gone Tomorrow” Van Gogh? What about Jack “Bleeding Ulcers” Kerouac? What about the Discord’s own Mad-Dog mystic the Ghetto Shaman?

There’s supposedly a gene DARRP-32 that proves a link between madness and genius—a gene that actually enhances thought processing and creativity. This gene is even supposedly linked to schizophrenia, but I’m confused…schizophrenics typically have less activity in their frontal lobes, and an over activation in the dopamingeric system. Isn’t it cool that I know that? Not nearly as f-ing cool as fart noises. Damn you, Sheen, and your trend-setting flatulence!

Sheen seems to be channeling his manic madness and I’ve sheen this done effectively before in both my personal and my professional life. Of course, he clearly has some things working against him. Sure, prolonged sleep deprivation and enough speed to give King Kong the jitters can negatively impact the human brain—eventually irreparably—but what if this channeled madness taps into something profound? I say he’s effectively riding this mongo mojo, baby, or put more righteously:

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

How can you argue with that? No really, what does it mean? As for the drugs, if he has stopped, as he claims, we would expect some post acute withdrawal. Typically flavored with some depression, anxiety, maybe some insomnia as his brain adapts to life without whatever substances his brain has grown accustomed to. Such a cleanup period is not likely to be filled with excited Twitter feeds—unless someone finds bedridden, suicidal jags hilarious. Think of it as a prolonged hangover, or what I call my “undergraduate studies.” Now, if he keeps up his Life in the Fast Lane ways, we would expect to see a real decline in his mental health to the point of more CPS and police involvement.

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a rock star from Mars.”

The Ghetto Shaman may be suing him for plagiarism on that one, but clearly some “madmen” are tapping into the something other and can no longer translate what’s happening to the sorry Muggles they’ve left behind. He’s excited about something, but he is, as yet, unable to accurately convey his message to the rest of mankind. He’s like the Buddha…on meth.

All farting aside, there are many regressive themes in Sheen’s current predicament. The common drug addict de-evolves overtime, but much of the negative behaviors associated with drug use involve activities to support the habit. Sheen has no need to mug you in an alley, so his descent is quite different than most…for the moment.

Typically addicts, like schizophrenics, tend to have less prefrontal activity, as the mesolimbic system, or the reptilian brain (as Bone calls it “the Yig brain”) takes charge. But there are those who feel substances can be harnessed for more divine purposes. Right, Pokey? Not saying I entirely agree, but let’s at least hear what he has to say.

Pththththt

OK, besides that. The worst that can happen is we witness the dangers inherent with extreme drug use and the best that can happen Sheen teaches us something about ourselves, our culture, and our future.

Ptthttttht

Please, I’m trying to be serious here.

I never much cared for the top ten type list thingies, of course, on a related note, Humor Links.com has The Discord handily beating The Onion, but, then again, only eight people voted this month and seven of them were me.  This post is critical of RockSong.com’s top 500 classic rock songs of all time.  Just to set the record straight, I only pointed out the things that reeeaallly pissed me off…

There was only one pre-established rule for this little jaunt into the world of rock & roll, I tried to leave The Beatles out of it.  Granted, I don’t always agree with the Fab Four’s deification, but seeing as how they invented the shit and all…  I know, I know, I’m part of the problem—a view shared by professors, bosses, ex-girlfriends, and law enforcement officials throughout my life—but, sorry, The Beatles are the real untouchables, except maybe Ringo.  Oh, and I left Phil Collins out as well; I picked on him way too much in this recent gem.

Let’s start out with the thing that jumped out at me first.  It involves the band REM.  Or is it R.E.M? Are they an acronym?  I don’t even know.  If they are, I would go with Really Easily Mimicked. My cover band learned how to do Stand in about 15 minutes and we don’t even play instruments.  When I saw REM’s Losing My Religion ranked 74 out of 500 (er, that’s #74 out of rocks best of the best), I almost lost my lunch.  Oh, that’s me in the corner, alright…I’m puking. It’s the end of the top 500 has we know it, and I don’t really feel fine.

Leonard Bernstein!

Van Halen’s Jump came in it at #64?  Will you still be sending me a Valentine?  Oh, right, leave The Beatles out of this… But Jump?  I think every song on Diamond Dave’s solo album from hell, beats friggin’ Jump!  Remember what songs Jump jumped over on this extravaganza: Joe Walsh’s Rocky Mountain Way comes to mind, not to mention almost every Doors song known to man.  Really?  If David Lee Roth were alive to see this, he would… Oh, sorry Dave.

Paul McCartney Baby I’m Amazed is ranked 70th… Hey, Paul, maybe I’m amazed you can… Oh wait…is he covered under the no fucking with Beatles clause (NFingw/BC)?  Hmmm. 

Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire made the cut.  I know, miscategorized to all get out, but who complains when that song comes on in a bar? It’s about the only country song that deserves to be there! Love is a burning thing…especially with what’ser name.  It burns, burns, burns…so I went to the clinic.  And as for love, I soon became a cynic.  I’m pretty sure those are the lyrics.  Holy shit!  I am at a bar called Cuvee writing this piece and the guy is playing Ring of Fire live, right now.  Technically, I was working ahead of this part but only by a couple of paragraphs.

OK, this next live song is Black Water, a Doobie song, not the movie, which…wait for it, happens to come in at #205.  Wow, this is very interactive (well, for me). 

The Bee Gees’ Staying Alive came in at #167.  Now this one is in the wrong category…AND THERE IS NO REASON IN DISCO, AND ON EARTH, FOR THIS ATROCITY!! Have I mentioned this shit is higher than Rocky Mountain Way?

“I’d like to hear some funky Dixie land, pretty momma gonna take me by the hand.”  Oh, and Staying Alive beat this Doobie’s song.

Back to the post. Michael Jackson’s Beat It came in at #156.  Admittedly, MJ’s philosophy got me through some dry spells in college, but really?  156???

This might seem like a small point, but Golden Earring’s Radar Love (#71) should not beat their Twilight Zone by this much (#499).  Rod Serling is turning over in his grave—well , that might be for other reasons.  Mwahahahhaha!

Oh, my god…this dude just lost me.  He’s singing Over the F-ing Rainbow.  I’m not making this up.  I’m going to take a wild stab and say this song is not one of rock & roll’s top 500.  I think I’ll save myself the Google search. He just went over the rainbow, alright…not to mention over the cuckoo’s nest.  Sure I’ll be singing along with you, dude, after about ten more beers, but only if you’re buying. 

I’m not so proud of the fact CCR’s version of Proud Mary checked in at #22.  Let’s be clear here, it’s not because I don’t like CCR, frankly, it’s about the only song of theirs I don’t like…and it’s a cover!  I have two words for you RockSong.com people, Born on the Bayou (the two little words don’t count).

One of the biggest disappointments in this top ten list thingie is this: over the years, Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb has moved down to #61? Sixty one?  Sure Pink isn’t well…after reading that. 

OK, this guy playing live hasn’t gotten more than a clap or two for the whole set and everyone is now clapping for some Over the Rainbow.  Actually isn’t that verb?  It is the way I do it.  Well, time to finish my beer.  Even when I was a kid I always thought, All Along the Watchtower and Baba O’Reilly beat out Layla and Stairway to Heaven, now they are even further apart—in the wrong direction!  This paragraph is further proof of the Flynn Effect.  Of course, Stairway came in at number one, as if it’s some unbreakable rule.  Again, I love Zep, but come on…

Abba’s Dancing Queen was in there, but I refuse to say where, because each time I think about it a little vomit kicks up into my throat.  Mama Mia, alright! Ultimately, my chief complaint comes down to this: where the hell are The Monkees in this R&R soiree?!  I am no longer a believer.

My New Year’s resolution is no more stories about Fox News.  Oh, oh, wait, but there’s one more thing… The Crank’s view, as always, suspiciously resembles Fox’s and can be summed up thusly: socialism = bad, cutting spending = good.  Very helpful—well, not really—not when this all-or-Fox thinking threatens to block any meaningful fiscal reform.  Here’s what we should be taking away from this year in politics: some Advil.

The Economy: In an earlier post I said to watch England.  Never trust a country that claims they are really into beer and then has all their pubs close by eleven.  They are trying to make up their deficit through 80% spending cuts and 20% tax hikes (a harsh recipe).  They are, of course, tearing themselves apart, right on cue (mostly due to the early pub hours).

If you recall, I recommended something around 60/40—AKA, long range progress toward deficit reduction without as many deaths as Republicans are opting for.  Originally, I thought conservatives were opting to reduce the deficit through 100% spending cuts, but that’s actually wrong.  They strive to be even less realistic about shit.  It’s their way. Since we’re borrowing money from China to help people like Richard Branson buy another spaceship, we’re actually looking at more like 105% spending cuts and no tax hikes.  Hey, let’s start nation building in Yemen, extend the Bush tax cuts indefinitely for all, and then vote against raising the debt ceiling!  …welcome to the 112^th congress.

Sooo, when are you people getting back on your meds?

Long term we can all agree cutting spending is a good thing, and everything should be fair game, but if they start that 105% cutting shit tomorrow we’d be plunged into a depression.  Every economist outside of the neococoon understands this.  I’m not going to go over why returning to ‘90s level tax cuts for the super rich is necessary in the face of a 14 trillion dollar deficit, but the majority of Americans understand this, and the rest watch Fox. 

If you come to Washington on a “just cuts” or a “just tax hikes” platform, you’re perpetuating the stupid.  There certainly are libs on the left who haven’t gotten the “we’re broke” message and need to go, but Obama’s Debt Commission put together a deficit proposal that contained both difficult spending cuts as well as some necessary tax hikes…er, like the Mick “I-don’t-know-shit-about-economics” Zano model.  And, since I really don’t know shit, the need for me to comment on this subject remains astounding. 

Circa 2006 I stopped using my credit card and paid only cash for my booze and hookers.  Did my balance disappear?  Did my rash disappear?  No, I needed to increase my payments to Visa and decrease the spending.  And Obamacare better kick-in soon before this rash gets any worse.  Meanwhile, Republicans have about a 1% plan to actually cut spending.  Ahh, where’s the other 104% coming from…Narnia?  Speaking of witch, we should probably pull our troops out of there as well. 

Just saying that spending = bad is less than helpful.  Sorry, but we’re not dismantling all of our institutions tomorrow. Not hap’nen.  Of course, thanks to your due diligence, they may well fall apart of their own accord.  Fiscal conservatives will likely block any plausible course corrections until it’s too late, proving the old adage a penny saved is a country burned. 

Socialism: Huh?  What are you people smoking?  If the difference between the haves and the have-nots is reaching record proportions in recent years, Obama must be a pretty lousy socialist. Does socialism mean a shift in wealth toward the rich?  Oh, I had no idea you changed the meaning of socialism…I get it.  Sorry, but Obama will go down in history as a pragmatist.  He could have nationalized our failing banks but chose not to. I think when the Fed begs you to nationalize all of our banks and you refuse, that’s an epic fail for socialism. Obama loaned cash to the auto industry and it worked far better than most imagined and, sorry, but trying to insure more Americans does not make him Karl Marx.

The Tea Party: If all your movement can muster is to rebrand our country’s biggest crooks in the name of freedom, ahhh, good luck with that.  You needed to be a new emerging third party choice for America—a group truly distanced from both parties.  AKA, you have failed …already.  Do I think you will have a huge impact, yes, but will it be positive?  I’m going to go out on a limb here…No.

Republicans: They have a two step plan 1.) cause the great recession, and 2.) sabotage the recovery.  Great plan.  Very patriotic.  What annoys me the most about these “patriots” is the fact they continually focus on short-term economic gains, nothing more.  That would be OK, I suppose—or not without some merit at this particular juncture in history—if they didn’t happen to suck at it.  Foxeteers are like people who spend their whole life studying the mating ritual of the lemur and still don’t know dick about lemurs, or their dicking-about behaviors.  In reality (sorry Cranky), Libs have a variety of views, a variety of positions, and a variety of ideas: some good, some bad, some ugly.  They rarely agree on anything.  On the other side, Fox is all one unanimous very bad idea—which is no coincidence, as we will soon see.

Oxymoron Watch: Hey, but watching Fox finally paid off for me this week!  The O’Reilly Factor staff voted on their smartest comments of the year.  I watched this segment in a similar manner to the closing sequence of Blazing Saddles, rolling around the living room carpet and slamming my hands on the floor.  First out of the gate, for these ‘Fox precious moments’, they offered several mosque debate quotes…I repeat, several mosque debate quotes.   Ahhh, that was fiction.  They pumped the energy into this non-story to resonate with the asses. Then they praised themselves on their coverage cleverness as if this was somehow the cherry on their journalistic shit sundae.  It was so nihilistic that Camus probably isn’t bothering to roll over in his grave.  Next up was a Palin quote, which admittedly was a string of words that formed what one might describe—in certain remedial English classes—as a complete sentence (sometimes on cable news that’s enough).  Then, not to be outdone, Brit Hume batted cleanup.  The best quote from The O’Reilly Factor staff for 2010 was Mr. Hume rambling on about how amazed he is that other news networks aren’t emulating their powerful station’s successful formula. 

Fox News: First off, Mr. Hume, one cable news network is following your lead; it’s called MSNBC.  They pulled one from your playbook, which is precisely why they have sunk to new lows.  Second, most of your station’s “success” can be attributed to a combination of our failing educational system and cognitive-age-decline. Third, ahhh…how do I put this delicately…you’re an embarrassment, sir.  You and your ilk are the story within the story of our time.

Neococoon Watch: Here’s a recent study out of the University of Maryland on propaganda in the media. I originally found this on the dailydish.com.  The PDF file is a good read.  It’s not news…well, not to me. Fox, of course, ranked number one on the misinformation scale (by a mile).  They are responsible for a long list of falsehoods that their viewers now hold as gospel.  For a review of these, see any Crank feature.  And, no surprise, MSNBC has moved to a distant second.

“But what’s interesting in the study is how it shows that Fox News, more than any other source, distorted the truth and created a false reality, for all its viewers, Democrats and Republicans—Let’s be clear about this. One alleged news network fed its audience a diet of lies, while contributing financially to the party that benefited from those lies.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Or, as they like to call it, fair, balanced, and unafraid.  Andrew is now where I was a couple of years ago and the Foxeteers are right where we left them: misinformed and marching toward the nearest cliff.  But fear not fair reader, some of the millions of lemmings will be saved by using their copy of the Constitution as a crude parachute. 

Fox’s supreme use of propaganda would be almost funny, if it hadn’t gotten Bush re-elected.  We all know how that turned out…actually, about half of you don’t.  But at least the studies are finally catching up with the Zanos.  And the Cranks…well, they are the study.  

And for yet another Nostradamian style prediction:

To their credit, the Cranks and the Pernicks of the world know way more about economics than I do. The Crank can rattle off any number of potentially savvy economic moves, many of which I even agree with (no, really, I do).  But will the people they help elect implement any of them?  That’s the big joke…on them.  Somehow with all this “knowledge” they invariably mistake the forest for the sleaze.  

Bottom line, will the Crank or Pernick agree with the above graph?  Hell no!  Is it pretty much how things will play out?  Hell yes!  Megatrends are lost in the details, because those details were, for the most part, placed in their brains by crooks and schnooks.  While we collapsed under Bush, these savvy Fox business types were saying, “All is well, there’s nothing to see here” and, as we stabilized under Obama, they all whined, “The sky is falling!”  When the Republicans return to power, they will initially return to their “All is well” stance.  Then they’ll switch to “We were too late to change Obama’s policies.”  Ahhh, the fact remains: you broke it, he stabilized it (albeit barely), and now you will finish us off in 2012.  Hey, maybe the Mayans were trying to warn us about Mitch McConnell.  I believe Quetzalcoatl translates roughly to “obstructionist asshole” in Mayan.

You know what has negatively impacted businesses more than anything the libs have done?  Perpetuating this lie that everything is worse under Obama.  We are amidst a fragile recovery, and you are purposefully adding to the uncertainty of our business community?  Were business owners really comfortable under Bush with their increasing inability to insure their own employees?  with the unsustainability of the Bush tax cuts from any graph or pie chart known to mankind? with a country waging numerous wars, at least one unnecessarily, totally on our collective credit cards?  Really?  Business leaders are that dumb?  Well, maybe.

Sure, cutting spending = good, but cutting it before you have any viable plan to do so is another Fox precious moment.   Shifting all of the wealth of the country to about a dozen or so moguls while calling it socialism is another neat stunt, but, in the Republican’s defense, Branson’s new spaceship is pretty awesome.  Hey, those super rich are supposed to give us jobs, right?  Can I work on your spaceship, Mr. Branson?  I’ve watched every Star Trek episode and I know how to curse in Klingon.  Oh, and I can also wear my pajamas for weeks at a time (a prerequisite for anyone serious about space travel).  And, for your information Mr. Crank, my parents did tell me when they were moving out.  They just forbid me to move back upstairs or touch their stuff.  I am actually defiantly writing this from my father’s study as we speak, because I’m a bit of a rebel at hea—oh shit, the beer made a ring stain in the wood.

Solutions: The Crank says I’m not solution oriented, yet I recommended a ratio of tax hikes and spending cuts similar to Obama’s deficit commission (which was blocked by the ideologues on both sides).  If you were really serious about cutting something, wouldn’t following the commission’s recommendations have been a better compromise than the recent spend fest?  The only thing the right is serious about is fucking things up, their singular strength.

And, I’ve always said a gas tax would level the playing field and move the country toward a responsible energy policy.  Do I want to walk to work?  Hell no.  Is it better than what’s coming economically and possibly ecosystemly?  Hell yes.  Fox believes all our healing juice will spring forth from capitalism.  Sorry, in this case, capitalism needs a nudge and Wall Street needs a leash.  Also, I have been touting the importance of a more integral based media to end the talking heads currently derailing the truth.  I was on the vanguard of those attacking the media.   Now, lo and behold, people are talking about it and studies are supporting it.

But, most importantly, it has been said that a sane world starts with sane citizens.  I actually have been pretty clear on a solution, although it’s not a solution that will resonate with most Americans:  meditate.  Take on the self-experiential-experiment (SEE) of the contemplatives.  Work on yourself and things will fall into place for you, regardless of your bank account.  Study after study shows your economic wealth has no correlation with your happiness.  I realize that this is sacrilege to the vultures over at Fox, but only a truly sick group of people can follow some of the twisted logic of our country’s policies.  Our current path is a form of collective suicide, perpetuated by the left and right (er,…mostly the right).  And again, to be clear, I’m not hoping for our financial institutions and political structures to collapse, it’s going to happen regardless, but it doesn’t have to be the end of America.  I told you you would need that Advil. 

In 2010, the Libertard hoard provided an un-heavenly host of issues to crank upon: religion, socialism, political correctness, all of Mikko’s favorite topics. As the year comes to a close and the hoard has been overrun and ousted from at least one branch our government, thank God, the time has come to finalize some key points we should take away from 2010.

Muslims. I do blame all Muslims for the acts of a few. Why? Well, maybe because they fail to stand up to ‘the few’, or at the very least voice their repudiation of their atrocities. When the Catholic priests’ sex scandal was unearthed, the most vocal angry voices were those of other Catholics (and their Proctologists). When you ask Muslims to make a statement condemning a suicide bombing, you get CRICKETS.

In Europe (the big smiling-wrap-our-arms-around-everyone-like-good-little-progressive-lemmings assimilation experiment gone horribly wrong), they wanted not to assimilate into the countries they entered, they wanted those countries to bend to their ways, you know, I beat my wife, I kill my daughter, and the rest of those death to fun kind of hobby/interests.  Muslims are today’s Borg, just with ugly clothing instead of form fitting skin tight leathers and chrome headgear. You will be assimilated, not them. And, resistance is not just futile, it’s fucking deadly. It’s all in the “It’s Our Way Or The Highway” section of the Koran. Oh yeah, and their idea of music (the painful squeezing of balls while chanting over loudspeakers for the whole fucking city to hear) sucks a big wet one. Just once I want to sneak in to one of those Mosques and put AC/DC’s Hells Bells on full blast. Someone needs to fund this little project…ahm rollin thundah, ahm pourin rain, Ahm comin on like a hurricane…. They might leap ahead hundreds of years in their stunted evolution…or not.  But it would still be fun. 

Socialism: Epic Fail everywhere it has ever been tried. Can’t work. Evah (snap, head bob). Just look at Europe now. Not so nice. Young people everywhere protesting the fact they may actually have to work past 50, and pay their own way (whatta concept). The Nanny is dead (no, not her. I still want to do her. Nothing like waking up to the goose like cackle of Jewish women complaining, but I digress).

“I want my free shit in perpetuity, you find a way to fund it, or I’ll burn this city down!”  What socialism ended up being was: whole countries full of live-at-home teenagers who never left mom’s basement for their whole lives, and Mom and Dad moved out years ago without telling them. A word to liberal progressive bloggers and media: catch up with reality, or go away. And give the Universities back to Professors who want to TEACH, not brainwash. Zano is what happens in the latter case.

The Constitution:  Not dead yet, as Zano and his ilk (just what IS his ilk, anyway?) would have you believe.  It’s just hiding, afraid for its life. And rightly so. It just needs to be READ. Get to know it, like the funny uncle you always liked but were afraid to admit it to your parents. Then, get your Congress persons and Senate persons to read and understand it. And FIRE the ones who won’t, or don’t, or laugh at you for bringing it up!

P.C.  I’m fat, you’re an idiot. You’re (put your ethnicity here), I’m a fucking beige gorilla.

To quote the great Don Henley “a victim of this, a victim of that, your daddy’s too thin, your momma’s too fat, GET OVER IT, GET OVER IT!!”

It’s very important that we do not lose who we are. Diversity is truly wonderful, but it only really works if you’re diverse, not so much when you’re all fucking clones.

Happy friggin New Year

Crank

After the last connection was made, I plugged in my daughter’s new X-Box 360 to herald the start of the virtual holiday season (VHS). Never mind, only Bald Tony still has a VHS.  Once complete, a red light suddenly appeared within a foreboding aperture.  It stared right at me, nay, right through me.  Soon it was moving and following my movements around the room as we played.  When I finally went to shut it off, I expected it to say, “I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave.”  Machines always call me Dave.  I don’t know what that’s all about.

My daughter and I spent most of Christmas night feeding in all of my credit card information, personal information, address, soc, and all other sensitive material into “the machine.”  Then came the blood samples—all of this, presumably, so it will start billing me when my 30 day internet trial is over.  Then after abysmally losing at my first X-Box Connect experience, it showed pictures of my daughter and me jumping around the living room for our “scrap book.”  Riiiiigghht…I proceeded to move the bong out of view of the bloody thing. 

This machine was just invited into my home and it was already curtailing my behavior.  Later that night, when not a creature was stirring (except my computer mouse), I came down the stairs to raid the fridge and found the hair on the back of my neck rising as I laid eyes on the thing.  Had it moved?  It looked like it had shifted toward the right….toward the bong!  

What if this “game” didn’t really have an off switch? As I walked back through the living room, I instinctively shifted my bottle of Deschutes Porter in an effort to place my body between my beer and that thing.  Hmmm.  I thought about leaving some type of tell-tale, something to see whether or not it reengaged itself when the room is empty.  Was it collecting data even when it was off?  I had to know.

For a tell-tale I thought about using a human hair cleverly extended between the moveable device and the entertainment stand.  If the strand were to break…nay, I decided instead to just cover it with a kitchen towel.  I told my daughter the next morning it was to keep off the dust.  I placed my aluminum foil hat on my head to block its transmissions and proceeded to get stoned to reruns of Space Ghost.  OK, I didn’t do any of that, but I thought about it.  Really, I didn’t.  You can check my X-Box.

Then it hit me, this is what they meant to do all along!  This is why the Pentagon is purchasing thousands of PS3s.  They have recently connected them all together, creating some type of super computer (true story).  Well, this is their “transparent” project anyway.  Area 51 has probably already implemented a shadow video game project with ten times as many X-Box 360s to create a super computer to control our minds and our actions!  To keep the Homeland safe and keep its citizens in check.  Damn you, Cheney!

They have probably been moving toward this since the game pong came on the scene over 30 years ago.  I never trusted that little white ball.  And I always felt that Donkey Kong had a hidden agenda.  He was just playing stupid.  Behind the scenes, the government has systematically worked toward an interface with every home in the country.  Perhaps that red light—that Hal-wanna-be snapping away in my living room—extends telescopically at night like those War of the Worlds frontal cameras.  Oh god, if it can somehow get into the closet Lenny and Squiggy are toast!  I named my pot plants.  The Ghetto Shaman tells me it helps appease the plant spirits. 

Heck, it’s even in the name, 360.  It’s the present that will soon become omnipresent.  They’ve covered every angle. It knows our personal data, our passwords, our likes and dislikes, and has access to our living rooms and, God forbid, our closets.  Jesus, that thing might even know my Wii age!  Fuck.

If my little cartoony avatar looks the same but I suddenly start sounding very different in my blogs, you’ll know what happened.  I’m too close to the truth.  Now they probably know that I know, you know? Maybe it happens when you sleep.  They absorb your minds like those body snatchers from that invasion movie.  What was the name of that again? 

So of course I took the thing apart.  What would you have done?  I was just looking for something suspicious—just making sure.  I watched some related X-Files episodes and got cracking.  Sure I skipped my Zyprexa that day, wouldn’t you?  Once I got past the base shields, aka the outer casing, I looked for something capable of transmitting information to Big Brother.  Nothing…

I can put it back together whenever I want.  Yep, no problem.  Ahhhh, but just in case, does anyone know anything about reassembling X-Boxes?  Oh, wait, the red light is still working.  That’s comforting.  Maybe I’ll just move it into my daughter’s room.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

Personally, I like Christmas the way it is, Christ and all.  A Christmas No-Mas would be a terrible thing for everyone, even if you don’t celebrate it.  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration.

This degeneration of the importance of Christ in Christmas is nothing new.  When I was a kid, everyone used to say “Merry Christmas!” I can remember the first time I heard someone say “Happy Holidays!”  Strange, I thought, I never really considered New Years Eve to be a real holiday (silly child).  Oh, wait, I get it!  You don’t want to offend me if I don’t celebrate Christmas, so you think Happy Holidays is OK.  Then I would think, you know what, I do celebrate Christmas, it is Christmas time, and I am offended that you said Happy Holidays instead! A cheap substitute! Then, instead of starting a blog (for temporal reasons), I’d be-bop down to the pizza shop on the corner and play Asteroids. 

Each year things seem to be getting worse with all this Holiday political correctness (HPC).  This year, things went so far in Pennsylvania that Christmas Town, PA was actually renamed Holiday Town.  That only lasted a couple of days (thank Christ).   This PC-creep continues.  The whole point and purpose of Christmas is being diluted.  I believe it’s a by-product of commercialism, as Charlie Brown and Linus so clearly pointed out way back in the 1960s.  They really were visionaries; they saw what was coming.  Except Kwanzaa, who the heck could have seen that coming? Somehow there never was an “It’s Kwanzaa, Charlie Brown!” TV cartoon.  I wonder what Franklin would think? Perhaps the most powerful comment came from Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Mwa, me, mwah memawah me mwah.”  Wow, that still rings true today.

Today, part of the problem, as I see, is the commercialism of all holidays driving malls and stores to start putting out Christmas decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  That’s a different type of creep.  Same is true for each and every holiday.  Halloween decorations show up in August, Labor Day decorations show up in July, Independence Day decorations show up in May, Memorial Day decorations show up in March, Easter decorations in February, Groundhog Day decorations in December (you mean you don’t decorate your front lawn with Punxsutawney Phil’s tree stump and groundhog hole?  KILL the infidels!

By pushing the commercial sales calendar earlier and earlier, we’re mixing up holidays that normally would be separated, AKA, so that PC concerns wouldn’t be a problem.  Christmas conflicts with Hanukkah, which conflicts with Thanksgiving, which conflicts with Halloween, which conflicts with my tree stump groundhog-hole lights, which conflicts with Lief Erikson, etc.

In the coming years, I fear Christmas will continue to take hits from the PC-weanies.  Soon, you’ll be able to purchase ad space in the nativity scene at your local Church.  Instead of baby Jesus we’ll see a Taco Bell value-menu burrito snuggling in the manager, which one of the Wise Men eats and the resulting gastrointestinal display scatters the rest of the crowd and the animals. Depressing.  Siiilent Ni-(Pthhhht).  Can you edit that out, Winslow?

But don’t laugh; your church may well start a nativity scene ad spot.  Heck, even the holiest of the holy—the Daily Discord—is selling ad space now. In our defense, we really need the cash.  Our beer budget is in the crapper.  We had to go with a quarter keg of Milwaukee’s Best for the Christmas party.  Speaking of the crapper, I hope the Ghetto Shaman gets out of there in time to submit his column this week.  I would hate to see what Milwaukee Worst could do to the digestive system. But I digress…

As I said earlier, let’s keep Christ in Christmas and bud in the Buddha (and not Milwaukee’s Best!).  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration…second only to Santa, of clause.

The Daily Discord has ordered a freeze on any further adolescent humor on this site.   Toilet humor, inappropriate pranks, and hurtful juvenile gags are all hereby eradicated from this e-zine.  Evolution is real, so surely this fine publication can evolve as well.  But with this proclamation comes a warning, for if it does not improve in this area, I will no longer be a regular contributor (Pthtthhht).  Oh come on!  Edit that out, Winslow.  Damn you!

“We are of one mind with Mr. Wolfe on this one,” said CEO Pierce Winslow.  “We pledge to end adolescent humor on our site, in all of its nefarious forms.  We really need to curb future usage of fart jokes, fecal matter, breast (or breastises), obscene bodily functions, and other forms of adolescent humor in order to maintain a higher level of journalistic integrity.  This is part of why Zano has been given his notice.  These moves are all part of our New Deal.  Take the Ghetto Shaman,” added Winslow.  

When asked how he would like to finish that thought, he said, “I did.  I meant, take him.  He’s a drunken bum and I’m tired of paying the bail bondsmen to get him out of the Pokey.”

Discord contributor, Pokey McDooris, was unavailable for comment.

“We want our blog, e-zine thingie to be more like The Waltons…on acid,” said the Ghetto Shaman.  When questioned about his own raunchy take on enlightenment, such as his Tao of Skullfucking, the Shaman responded with a wet raspberry.  “And you can quote me on that, bitch.”

The Discord’s comedic ranking system (CRS) has placed us on about the 13-yr old humor scale.  We are concerned, if we fall any lower on this scale, all smell will break loose.

“We could lose our current audience in favor of the pre-teen crowd, or tweens, or on particularly bad days, toddlers.  And let’s face it, our youth are flat broke these days.  We can’t afford to cut into our funding stream at this point.

The Discord believes they have found a successful comedic formula—something between PG-13 and X that maximizes our audience base.

“At the end of the day, we really are a family oriented humor site,” continued Winslow.  “Minus the occasional skullfucking.   Where else can a 13-year old boy and his 30-something dad go on the internet these days and enjoy some quality time together?  Sure, they could find some other websites to peruse when mom’s not around, but, frankly, we represent the edge of appropriateness (EOA).”

When asked if this was just another publicity stunt, Winslow stated, “A what?  No, we’re committed to carrying this through.  We need to start somewhere and while some folks may say ‘the cat’s out of the bag’ or ‘it’s like closing the barn door when the horses are already gone’, we’d like to say ‘we’ll keep our barn door wide open in hopes that the pussy will return.’” 

When asked about the future of the Discord under this adolescent humor freeze, Winslow said, “We expect it will expand our audience base globally.  For example, China and India have huge potential.  Just last month we got six hits from Mumbai!  We’re quite sure there are plenty of degenerates over there we still haven’t reached.  If we can capture just a small fraction of those sick bastards, look out Onion!  By the way, Humor Links has us rated higher than The Onion under Spoof News.  But we don’t like to brag….THE FUCK WE DON’T!  Oh, we also don’t like to curse anymore.  TO HECK WE DON’T, BITCHES.”

Ahhh….we’re a work in progress.  Well, there you have it, folks, right from the horse’s mouth.  This is L. Wolfe signing off from— (Pththhhtht).  Damn you, Winslow!

Hate is a strong word, but in this case it works.  Phil Collins almost single-bandedly ruined the early eighties for me—well, him and what’s her face.  Living on Long Island then, there was a time in my life I could get all these wonderful rock stations like WPLJ, WRCN, and WBAB.  But, in the 80s, at any given time ALL of them could be playing a Phil Collins song.  And, on a really bad day, it could be the same Phil Collins song!

I heard One More Night the other night and, all these years later, I still thought what was the fascination?  To put things into context, back in the 80s those invisible airwaves were crackling with life. There was Floyd, Zeppelin, The Who, even the Beatles weren’t that old then.   So what in the rock god’s name were people thinking when they decided to give real rock a miss and slip in endless Genesis and Phil Collins tracks?  It was like that Sesame Street bit, which one of these is not like the other?  For example, you could hear Black Sabbath’s Iron Man, Jimmi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child, and then, without commercial interruption they’d segue into Su ‘fucking’ sudio by Phil Collins.  And, they would still call it a Rock Block.  How did this happen?  I want answers.  I thought Bennie and the Jets was an anomaly until Phil and Co. came along.

I Think I Missed Again?  Yeah, actually ya did, Phil-O.  That could be your musical biography.  Sussudio??? Really, people?  Su-su-sudio, ohh ohh.  This was one of those lovely tunes that could be on all three “rock” stations at the same time—incessantly played for weeks at a time.  Even the metal heads sometimes said, what the hell, it’s Phil.  We’re going to shift away from the long haired head banging sounds of the Skull Fuckers and instead play a little bald guy from England for our next “rock” block.   It was like Keith Moon, John Bonham, and that drummer from Spinal Tap died and cursed all future drummers and the rest of mankind on their way out.  

This pretty much sums up my 80s experience:

Did I miss again?
I think I missed again uh huh
Ohh I missed again uhh huh oh uhh uhhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh.
Ohh I missed again uhh huh uhh
I think I missed again uh huh oh uh oh ohhh

Wow, I can see why he’s so popular.  Now listen to that 27,000 more time and you’ll begin to grasp the scope of what happened to me in the 80s.  And things were going so well…with what’s her name. Yes, I didn’t like the song Sussudio, but, yes, I can sing the song verbatim (hint: this is why I need to vent).

In the mid 80s, against all odds, Phil Collins’ music style got even worse with the release of Against All Odds.  He was toying with me at that point. It was like he was saying, “You didn’t think it could get any worse than You Can’t Hurry Love, did you Zano?  You fool!  Well, I was just screwing with you…that’s nothing.  I have an arsenal of even shittier songs that people are going to play twice as often.  Mwahaahhhah!”

Take a Look at Me Now…

Dude, do I have too?  I just ate.  Oh, and Mr. Phillospher King, for your information, YOU CAN HURRY LOVE!  Making it last is the trick, Einstein.  I have to admit I thought In the Air Tonight was a great song, until I found out it was about farts.

The only good news was this…you know the song I Don’t Care Anymore?  After hearing it for the four millionth time, I really didn’t care anymore…no more, no more…no more, no more…

He finally got his comeuppance, or downgradance.  Today, he’s the only person almost never played on classic rock stations.  Think about it, you can hear Genesis, you can hear Peter Gabriel, but where’s Phil? Just about everyone else played back then is still in the club—to varying degrees, of course—but Collins was finally banished to the soft rock lands, the Manillow moors, the Kenny G glades.  Justice served!  But at what cost?  …besides what’s her face. 

I am not surprised people finally realized he was grossly miscategorized.  Every young DJ was probably thinking, “Dude, what the hell is this shit?” and then they rightfully placed the CD in the section marked easy listening.   What collective spell were we under back then?  And what can we do to ensure this never happens again?

The only thing I can equate the Phil Collins phenomenon to is Sarah Palin today.  She’s huge! And Phil Collins was equally and inexplicably as huge in the 80s.  Is there some correlation?  We at the Discord have people working on this problem night-and-day to solve this Riddle of the Stinx.

Hey  wait!  She’s an Easy Lover.  No, it’s gotta be more  than that.   Hmmmm.   When I figure it out, and I will, you’ll get the scoop first, right here on the Daily Discord.

Chris Christie has undeniably become a rather large figure in the present political spectrum. His ascendency to the big chair in NJ has had repercussions nation-wide. He has managed to squeeze himself into a fight with the unions, using his rather large fan base to garner support for his thin slicing of their benefits. If he does decide to run…er, briskly walk for President in 2012, his will be a big suit to fill, for sure. Christie brings a country buffet full of already tried and true ideas to the table.  Ahhh, I’m being told to stop now…

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have. But I am also a fat man, so I can. One who shouldn’t, however, is ultra skinny-assed Dr. Lamont Hill, a Black political pundit on the left side of Fox’s “balanced” fucking thingy. This guy, in a recent conversation with some local Fox affiliate, came out and stated he thought Christie will not run, for the simple reason he knows he can’t win on account of his…er, portliness. “He’s too fat” were his exact words. Ergo the title of my latest deranged thoughts put on paper. A whole new era in racism has arrived! (Insert Fanfare for the Common Fat Man here.) We have beaten to death the whole Black vs. Beige thing in this last election cycle, so I guess this is the next BIG thing!

Note to Lamont: don’t go there. While less than one third of America is black, we have a shit-load of wide-loads of ALL colors ALL over the place (except Asians, those skinny fish-eatin’ bastards). Don’t you shop at Wal-Mart with your eyes open, pal?  Here in Arizona, the average female is a B.M.W. (Big Mexican woman). Frankly, I have had bigger turds than you, Cleavon Little.

The Nanny state wants to outlaw Happy Meals, trans fats, fast food and the like, to “help us” overcome our obesity.

How fucking thoughtful of you.

Socialized consciousness, eh?  I prefer caramelized consciousness on a slab of meat with some freedom-fried potatoes.  Or, better yet, how ‘bout the Darwin meets Einstein’s school of thought? I make a conscious decision to eat copious amounts of Twinkies, and…well, I believe AlaCarte said it best, “I Twink, therefore I Spam.”  Not that kind of twink…freaks.

Or, I get fat, therefore I will die…someday. Maybe. Or, maybe your skinny ass will get flattened by a bus driven by a sedentary bus driver of, say, 300 pounds.

Just recently, a Doctor (Mark Haub, Professor of Human Nutrition at Kansas State University) went on a “Twinkie Diet” for a month, to show the detrimental effects of junk food. Problem: he ended up 27 pounds thinner.  His bad cholesterol went down, his good cholesterol went up, and he probably threw away his Viagra prescription.  Hmmmm, didn’t quite work out the way you thought, did it?   Kind of like taking a job at the Daily Discord.

We’re here, we’re fat, get mousse to it!

Pppffffft (sorry).

No tea party here, we are “The Keilbasa Party.”

Das Crank