Miami, FL—Dolphin researcher, Dr. Holly Hotalot, made a startling announcement to the press today: “Many of the world’s dolphins and porpoises have been communicating with an alien race known only as the Usukko and their message has implications far beyond Obamacare. This is like that Douglas Adams novel only worse!”

Dr. Hotalot reported that what was more surprising was how much these lovable creatures have been conspiring against us. Forget about a ride to the shore if you’re drowning these days. All marine mammals have passed HR234, the “let the fuckers drown” proposition (although, technically they’re porpoisitions). These days, Flipper just wants to flip us off. The entire marline life population is sick of our polluting ways and they have asked this alien race, the Usukko’s, to help hasten our demise. Although no dolphin has yet said, ‘so long and thanks for all the fish’, many feel it’s just a matter of time now.

When asked how she could communicate with the animals, Dr. Hotalot said, “I’ve been talking to them for years.” She then proceeded to let loose a series of beeps and chips until she was escorted off the stage. Initially this whole situation was considered a bad joke, more typical of a Zano feature, but then military ships began to disappear across the globe and the price of tuna skyrocketed. To make matters worse dolphins are now being implicated in more and more ball and Frisbee disappearances.

Most experts believe that these Usukko consider these sea mammals to be the most advanced species on the planet, while humans rank somewhere between leeches and foot fungus. Professor William Lynn had this to say: “Like other parasites, these aliens feel mankind should be cleansed so that the honorable animals can go on living without contamination, or silly movies being made about them.” The whales, for example, are apparently still fuming about the movie Free Willy.

Yig, the Earth God, has designated his spokesman as one Jack Primus. The Feathered Serpent plans to aid the human race. Yesterday, Primus gave a speech in Washington DC on the front steps of a local bar called Spankies.

Primus told three onlookers, “Don’t let their friendliness toward those fish eating freaks fool you! Anything in the ocean is suspect. Porpoises have been trying to fool us for years, but they are nothing but shiny smiling Deep Ones, obviously in league with Cthulhu himself! The Usukko are probably in league with the Migo as well and the only way to decipher this last passage is to buy my book here. Cthulhu and the Migo sent crawdads here to be their spies decades ago. The only animals you can trust are reptiles and not even all of them, because I loaned twenty bucks to a California King Snake and he never gave it back. Red next to black, friend to Jack? My ass!”

When asked what the U.S. military intended to do to combat this threat, General John Mitchum had this to say: “We intend to build concentration camps for all sea mammals and put them to work crushing aluminum cans with their tails. See? We are environmentalists. We are also making huge aquariums which will be suspended over our major cities, so, if these off-world scum try to attack, they will have to kill their precious baby drowning sea trash first.”

When asked if we would go on the offensive, the General said, “Yep.” When asked to elaborate, he replied that he was almost done watching the director’s cut of Independence Day and would let us know when he was finished.

In the mean time, thousands of ‘Right to Lifers’ have taken to protesting at the nations beaches, holding up signs toward the ocean and yelling, “Go back to the big Dipper because we hate you Flipper.”

Where and when this threat will end is unknown, but I am going to change into my dolphin suit and hide off the coast of Bermuda just in case.

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Here they are, in no particular order:

Outside the box

If this saying were to have its way, we would ALL be thinking outside the box, which would mean that inside the box would be a very lonely place indeed. I envision Zano sipping a specialty coffee alone in a room starting a political party. AND, if everyone thought outside the fucking box, then to be different one would have to think inside said box. Ponder that one. It’s a ‘sound of one hand farting’ kind of thing.

Fiscal cliff:

There is no fiscal cliff, unless we are taking about Road Runner and the Coyote. That cliff is followed closely by an Acme safe to the noggin. There are only stupid people making stupid decisions with other people’s money based on their bullshit agendas or the lining of someone’s pockets. That’s not a cliff, it’s an indictment…or at least it should be.

Civil rights

There are only MY civil rights. There is no YOUR civil rights. If I want it, it’s a right, if you want it, tuff shit. But what if YOUR civil rights oppress ME? Yeah, see what I mean? It’s all bullshit. A regal word has been reduced to birdcage liner. Beaten to death like a Syrian rebel.

Racist

See above. You can not disagree with anyone not of your exact color. Nope, not ever. Can’t. Why? We say so, that’s why. No reason. Dr. King is surely whirling dervishly inside his mausoleum hearing that word made so meaningless, after so many have died for it.

“Hey Joe, we got nuttin’ for a comeback on his last campaign ad.”

“That’s ok, just call him a racist.”

It is what it is

Just what the fuck is it? Is this another Clinton definition of is is thing? Couldn’t it be what it’s not? How about what it was? I know, it’s what it’s gonna be. It makes me want to smack the shit out of people who say it. Then you can quote this back to them when they ask why I did it. Sorry, many, it is what it is. Hey, but I did call 911.

At the end of the day

Yeah what? The fucking sun goes down. We all fall asleep.

(See also) When all is said and done. Another stupid phrase. Please. When all is said and done, you shut up and do nothing? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? Now, let’s put these two together.

“When the sun goes down and we fall asleep, we shut up and do nothing.”

Very profound.

With all due respect:

Graciously excuse me please while I jam this twig in your eyeball. Permit me, kind sir, to throttle you within an inch of your life. When someone hears this, their sphincter involuntarily clenches up. It’s like when I read a Zano feature.

Viral:

STDs are viral. Mad fucking Cow is viral. Videos are not. “I must have touched the railing and got this video from someone.” “Oh, I got a bad video and now it hurts to pee.” I hope it doesn’t last too long. Why don’t you just rub that ointment you got from the clinic onto your YouTube and call me in the morning?

Epic fail:

This fucking phrase is an epic fail. Every time I hear this, it’s like drinking a Slurpee too fast. I get brain freeze, or as they call it NY, Bloomberg Syndrome. Until something fails, there is no way to know in advance of its demise, epic or bleepin’ otherwise. Just say what you mean:

“I hope your idea fails so grandly that many people get hurt and you spend the rest of your life in prison.”

Wow factor

You mean to say impressive, right? Then why not just say it? It makes you sound somewhat intelligent, unlike using the words ‘Wow factor’, which over the course of time seems to have lost all of its….ahem.

A-ha Moment:

This phrase signifies the dumbing down of the English language at its finest. Kind of like when Hugh Laurie has that spaced out, faraway look, when he’s just discovered the cure for something. Or, when I’m looking through the my trunk for my lost car keys and suddenly realize the sound I heard yesterday—the one that seemed kinda’ funny at the time—was, in fact, my keys sliding off the trunk lid onto the road…only to be immediately run over by a truck. Now, whenever Dr House has that look, I scream out “holy shit, the keys fell off the car!”

Man-up:

No. What if I’m “sensitive”(code)? Then what, Mr. Masculine know-it-all, huh? Why don’t you put on your big boy suspenders and stop using this. Oh, and stop using that one too.

I’m just sayin’:

If I was writing, I’d be just writin’. If I was cooking, I’d be just cookin’. Of course you are just saying…unless, of course, you’re simultaneously writin’ and dancin’. That would be very different, now, wouldn’t it? I’m just multi-taskin’? What you really mean to say is that you think what you said is true, but you won’t go to war over it.

Racial Profiling:

Israel does it very effectively. If I’m looking for an Arab terrorist, I make sure to feel up every old white woman, especially the Nuns, and the children with red hair. Sorry, but they should put up jumbo pictures of all eleven 911 terrorists in every airport with a sign saying, “If you look like this, we want to ask you a few questions.”

Politically Correct:

What you mean is that your testicles are tucked WAY up inside your body, and you do not wish to offend anyone on earth-simultaneously-with a word, gesture, or a non-verbal cue. It’s called the profound pussification of society, which has now proven to be fatal to said society.

Any questions?

The Crank

Against my better judgment, I’ve decided to interview the Daily Discord’s head comedy writer, Mick Zano. Mr. Zano is a man—at least technically—who many call the brains of the operation. OK, no one really says that. In fact, spending an hour with Mr. Zano is good cause for hazard pay. Did you get that, Mr. Winslow? Make check payable to Cokie Industries.

Cokie McGrath: Thanks for taking the time away from your favorite bar/coffee shop to meet with me today.

Mick Zano: Umm, we’re at my favorite bar/coffee shop.

Cokie MGrath: Imagine that. Hey, it’s a weekday during business hours. Shouldn’t you be working?

Mick Zano: Everyone gets a lunch hour.

Cokie McGrath: It’s 10AM.

Mick Zano: It’s lunch somewhere. I’m worldcentric.

Cokie McGrath: Ec-centric, maybe. Did you know that drinking before noon is one point on the Michigan Alcohol Screening Test? Oh, and if a colleague is worried about your drinking that’s another point.

Mick Zano: Great, I have two points today and it’s not even noon. Where I’m from that’s called a productive morning.

Cokie McGrath: Where’s that, Amsterdam? So my sources tell me you’ve spent at least 80% of the last three years here at the Discord either on the chopping block, or threatening to resign. Is that about right?

Mick Zano: I don’t know where you get your numbers, Cokie. The percentage is much higher than that.

Cokie McGrath: And, if reports about your pot addiction are accurate, so are you.

Mick Zano: If you’ve just come here to insult me…oh, right, that’s the basis of our relationship.

Cokie McGrath: On that note, what is your stance on legalization?

Mick Zano: The War on Drugs is a fiasco. It’s over. By every measure known to man, we’ve lost. It’s been a colossal waste of money. Obama is hinting that, given a second term, he would clean house. He would legalize pot, or at the very least decriminalizing it, which would be a huge boon for the proponents of reason. Half of the War on Drugs would be over with the stroke of a pen.

Cokie McGrath: Are you a pot smoker?

Mick Zano: No. I joke about it on this blog, but I prefer…er, what did you buy me?

Cokie McGrath: Caffeinated booze. Thus my having to pay your tab just to get this interview.

Mick Zano: Yeah, I learned that one from Alex Bone.

Cokie McGrath: So, besides having the police slightly less interested in your closet farm, there are other benefits to legalization?

Mick Zano: Drug cartels would see half their business die overnight and we could tax the shit out of the stuff.

Cokie McGrath: But wouldn’t pot become more prevalent?

Mick Zano: It’s already prevalent (blows a sweet smelling smoke into Cokie’s face). Remember the whole ‘losing the war’ part? Sure there would be a spike in use and then things would settle down to maybe slightly higher than today’s consumption. Spending our treasure and destroying countless lives for a few percentage points is asinine. Would we do that for alcohol?

Cokie McGrath: You did this story for alcohol.

Mick Zano: I’m just saying, we could shift tons of our funds from enforcement to treatment and education, which might actually be useful. And we would just need better equipment to assess DWI levels to keep our roads safe. Besides, legislating morality has never worked.

Cokie McGrath: Sitting next to you, I would agree with that. So why do you think so many people appreciate your work? And by many I mean four.

Mick Zano: I resonate with a small group of Americans…a very small group. The backbone of the Transcosmetic Party involves very little actual backbone.

Cokie McGrath: Umm, four is within the margin of error of zero.

Mick Zano: I’m not a political pundit, I’m a comedian…but, today, comedians have much more insight than our politicians, which is frightening. Basically, I started this party to make a statement.

Cokie McGrath: Sounds more like a cry for help. What exactly is the Transcosmetic Party?

Mick Zano: It’s a reaction to one of the most ridiculous periods of American history, a time when we, through stupidity and shortsightedness, ruined a great country.

Cokie McGrath: OK, Mr. McGloom&Doom so is this the end of the world?

Mick Zano: …as we know it. Our sick version of capitalism is doomed, for sure, which will be a bumpy transition for many. But trying to maintain this consequences be damned, unsustainable level of consumption…umm, it’s just not going to work anymore.

Cokie McGrath: Speaking of going to work, how are you going to return in this state?

Mick Zano: Arizona is a ‘right to drink’ state.

Cokie McGrath: Oh, a livertarian. You paint such a great picture. Is there anything you are optimistic about?

Mick Zano: Well, the Coyotes are starting to play well. Look, losing a little capital around this planet is not the worst thing that could happen. It is to Republicans, of course, because cash is the only thing they understand. I say, stop deporting Mexicans and start deporting Grover Norquist.

Cokie McGrath: You’re going to mention taxes, aren’t you?

Mick Zano: We have a spending problem in this country, not a revenue problem.

Cokie McGrath: Really?

Mick Zano: No, that shit just cracks me up. We obviously have problems with both overspending and revenue generating, but half our country is only allowed to comment on spending. Ironically, it’s the same group that spends too much.

Cokie McGrath: Some would say Obama spends too much.

Mick Zano: True story…avoiding a depression turned out to be rather expensive.

Cokie McGrath: That’s not all he spent money on.

Mick Zano: True, there’s a number of Republican policies that continue to drain the old coffers. Bush is the first President who cut taxes during a war. Republicans aren’t big on actually reading the bill. They tend to order the surf & turf, lecture the waiter about responsibility, and then sneak out through the kitchen. It’s all just selective outrage. Funny how the party of personal responsibility never seems to take any.

Cokie McGrath: In your posts you always seem like a know-it-all to me. Your articles are funny, but the political ones read like “I told you so about this” and “I told you so about that.” What have you gotten wrong?

Mick Zano: Lots. I predicted we’d be amidst a double dip recession two years into Obama’s Administration, but it’s been almost four…

Cokie McGrath: Some would argue the double dip has already started.

Mick Zano: No, it will officially begin some time during the Romney Administration, as God intended. I also underestimated Obama and overestimated the Republicans. I predicted Obama would be a one term president, yet now he might win his re-election even if unemployment hits 20%. Oh, and I hired you as a field reporter. That wasn’t horribly bright.

Cokie McGrath: True story. Is there anything we can glean from Republicans, or Europeans, or Asians, or anyone else on the planet besides you?

Mick Zano: Sure. Asians are a highly advanced race.

Cokie McGrath: Why?

Mick Zano: Both genders tend to pee sitting down. It’s a real game changer. Of course, if we improve our bathroom hygiene, we could lose thousands of custodial jobs.

Cokie McGrath: Out-house sourcing?

Mick Zano: OMG? Really?

Cokie McGrath: So where does your anger come from, besides your inability to attract women?

Mick Zano: I’m certainly angry with the gross incompetence and greed inherent in the system. We’re all angry, but I would just prefer it if people at least tried to understand how we got here rather than always defending the indefensible.  

Cokie McGrath: Like in a few minutes when I tell the bartender, I’m sorry, he’s usually not like this at home…

Mick Zano: Sort of.

Cokie McGrath: What’s the Right getting wrong?

Mick Zano: You mean, besides everything? George Bush was our worst president ever and Obama will likely rate mediocre. Does that match their rhetoric today? They’re trying to revise history by forever repeating falsehoods. And it’s working! You watch, in ten years W will be Reagan and in twenty years Reagan will have parted the Red Sea and brought some stone tablets down from Mt. Sinai. Hell, Reagan wasn’t even Reagan; they just make shit up. I just saw a thing on Facebook today, “click here if you miss President Bush.” Two million people clicked on that shit!

Cokie McGrath: Did you click it?

Mick Zano: Well, yeah, I’m a comedian. The Discord was only around for a short time during the Bush years. It’s sad really…all that lost material.

Cokie McGrath: Does some of the blame rest on the Dem side of the aisle?

Mick Zano: Certainly. I’ve always said they’re about 35% of the problem, but I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong…it’s probably more like 36%.

Cokie Mcgrath: Proportionately, you don’t spend 36% of your time razzing Dems. Are you defending the indefensible?

Mick Zano: Maybe. But how is Obama actually screwing up? Who’s covering the real stories? The Left won’t cover it and the Right, hell, every news cycle Fox News feed us endless plumes of methane emissions…frankly, that’s our job. Their biggest scandal is the Fast & Furious. Really? Sure that could have huge implications for our Attorney General, but for Obama? Even if the whole thing is true I don’t think it would rate anywhere near Bush’s top ten scandals. Oh my, a gun running program which occurred under the last several administrations finally went awry. Imagine that. Yet Fox News has become the Fast & Furious channel. They peddle 24 hours of conspiracy theories that even Agent Mulder would roll his eyes at.

Cokie McGrath: The Fox is out there! So what’s the bottom line?

Mick Zano: A really cool club down in the Village, but I think it closed. Bush should have represented the Republicans bottoming-out phase. You know, when they start hallucinating, stop forming coherent thoughts, and then throw up some blood. Then, in a moment of lucidity, stagger over to political rehab. But nothing happened! They started believing the hallucinations and thought the blood was just all the kool aid they drank. They are becoming even less insightful, which shouldn’t even be possible! I believe this horrible fact is the story within the story of our time.

Cokie McGrath: If you could stuff a dirty sock in someone’s mouth, whose would it be?

Mick Zano: Everything out of Rush Limbaugh’s mouth is a lie or based on a false assumption. But we have a first amendment, so I’d rather go all second amendment on his ass.

Cokie McGrath: When you start threatening to shoot people, I think it’s time to get you back to work.

Mick Zano: I’m a pacifist…just one prone to violence.

Cokie McGrath: Makes sense. I think we should do this again….without me. Oh, and sorry, sir, he’s not usually like this at home.

USA – There are many reports of bizarre and carnivorous crimes sweeping the country, from a nude Miami-man gnawing on his victim’s face, to a New Jersey man wielding his own intestines as a weapon against police, to a local Shaman doing inappropriate things to people’s skulls.

There are many who fear these are precursors to a full blown Zombie Apocalypse. While this has many Doomsday Preppers running to their cat-food-filled bunkers with glee, the uproar has left one neglected demographic insulted and alienated: your friendly neighborhood cannibal.

The pro-cannibal program, Cannibals for Humans as an Ethical Food Source (CHEFS), is working diligently to defend the civil rights of cannibals within the U.S. and promoting awareness of this unique life style choice.

President of CHEFS, Manny Tacos, told the Press today, “A zombie is a fantastical creature that is the animated remains of a deceased human with an insatiable craving for the brains of the living. Cannibals, on the other hand, are living humans who consume all of the succulent cuts of flesh from all hominids and deserve to be treated with the same rights and respect as any other minority group.” 

With their slogan, “If you are what you eat, umm, connect the fucking dots already!” CHEFS’ past efforts have covered a wide range of issues from Florida’s Stand Your Ground Meat Laws, to promoting organ donations, to helping develop Huftu (Human-flavored Tofu).

“Some of my friends only eat Vegans,” said Mr. Tacos, “which I think is a noble gesture. And, in a show of good faith, we have dropped our lawsuit against the makers of the Manwich for false advertising.”

Currently, CHEFS is producing a massive ad campaign designed to inform and reassure the public that “Mostly harmless cannibals, not zombies, are devouring folks.”

Mr. Tacos feels it’s similar to the Wanda Syke’s, “When you say, ‘That’s so gay.’ Do you realize what you are saying?” ad.

CHEFS has funded a series of ads and billboards designed to calm the masses, with slogans like, “We’re not Zombies. Please don’t flee,” and “Become an organ donor…today!”

“Calling a cannibal a zombie is like calling a Republican a Democrat, a pirate a ninja, a Fox News anchor a journalist, or a journalist a Discord contributor,” said Tacos, who then left to retrieve some fava beans and a dry Chianti from his pantry.

This gave me enough time to chew though my bonds and escape the human-sized cooking pot in his kitchen. I’m Elisa Brahe, reporting for The Daily Discord, happily not the other white meat.

In a world where we’ve become so totally dependent upon electronic wizardry to do even the most basic of tasks, the failure of such technology makes us old timers long for the old days. The latest tech forces us to choose between quality and convenience. Do we wish to get off our ever fatter asses and actually ‘do’ something? No, we want something done ‘for us’ by the magic little Chinese dude inside our latest job robber from the east. Ask not what your Compaq can do for you, but what you can…a fuggedaboutit.

In our quest to become ‘Hutts”(as in Jabba the-) we are settling for much less quality than we ever had before. Take music. MP3 is about the worst music storage device ever conceived. It literally makes a command decision on just what it wants you to hear, and what it deems ‘unnecessary information’ gets unceremoniously expunged. This is also what Winslow did to my article on Why Can’t that Bitch Next Door Just…Never mind. Perhaps all is for the best.

So you end up with something infinitesimally small and vast in its storage capacity, yet sounding no better than an old 8-track (on a good day). Most don’t see the problem because they have never heard Ride of the Valkyries on a Telarc CD while sitting in front of a pair of odd shaped boxes known to the archeological community as Bose 901s. Look it up. The purveyors of music today are banking on the shear fucking stupidity of the purchasers. Letting other people/things make your decisions for you never ends well. Hear that big Gov? To paraphrase an anti-technology Dodge Charger commercial from a few years back, “We’ve all seen the way THAT movie ends, with machines picking through body parts looking for energy.”

Darwin is alive and well today. Just watch people try to drive/walk/run/cook/clean/work etc. whilst texting/sexting/talking/shopping/working on their own personal little torture devices/prison cells known ironically as smartphones. They are getting smarter as we are getting dumber. Hear ye, hear ye…there is no scenario where ‘texting’ is better than talking. If you call me and I can’t speak right away, they have this thing called leave a fucking message. It works really well. If I am at a meeting and I text you, it means I am at a meeting. I don’t need to be at and I’m ignoring and dissing the speaker. If you text me at a meeting, well, fuck you. I’ll call you back later, dude, it ain’t all about you. If you text someone who is driving, you might kill them, so STOP NOW! If you text back while driving, you might very well deserve to die. (There’s that Darwin thing again). But the dude next to you might not want to go for that same ride. No information I have ever received was worth a human life, mine OR yours (with perhaps one exception: this season’s finale of Jersey Shore).

So, you now pay hundreds per month for crystal-clear reception to NOT TALK to your friends? You push little buttons with your thumbs and relay a message? And they’re not even real buttons. They are just pictures of buttons. It’s just like the old telegraph, just way more expensive. AND, no one can spell anymore, dorks. What next, Verizon smoke signals?

And watching movies on a fucking phone? Talk about going back in time. My TV in the 50s was bigger. “I got a 66 inch flat screen at home, so let’s go watch my phone?” Jeez. “Hey Bob, I watched the whole game on my phone. Yeah, it was great, except now my friggin’ eyes are permanently crossed.”

Wireless: making your whole life dependent on an internet connection through radio waves. Sounds like ancient technology to me, but it does work until your system bytes the dust. You can’t print, you can’t shop, you can’t work. You pick up a pencil, but you just can’t seem to remember how to use it.

“Wait, I’ll look it up online!” Oh no you won’t. You pick up a newspaper, but it’s in a different language called English—not the lol bff ttfn shit you’re used to. You could go to the “store” to shop, but there are none left. They all closed while you were sexting that chick from accounting. You would eat but you can’t order delivery, and by now your ass is too big to fit out the fucking door. You could clear your weekend schedule and try to figure out how to use the big yellow book that’s been sitting by your phone all these years, but naaah. You couldn’t fit in the driver’s seat of your fucking Prius anyway. You’re fucked, and China is laughing their skinny asses off at our fat asses, you asses!

Technology is responsible for the biggest horror to befall mankind in centuries. It’s called Auto-Tune. It’s when you can’t sing for shit, but you are pretty and have large breasts. So you find someone who wants them boobs enough to pay for a singing career for someone who can’t sing for shit. The machine does it for you. It takes a note that you can manage to sing, and the computer does the rest, manufacturing a song with your voice. Bullshit at it’s finest. Bullshit you pay big-time for when you purchase these idiot’s songs. Back to the purveyors banking on the purchaser’s stupidity, and believe me, there are plenty of stupid people with money and smarter people who want it. Gene Simmons stated the next Kiss tour will be an “Auto-Tune Free Zone.” He then proceeded to disparage all young female “singers” whose names just happen to end in a vowel (a tongue lashing?).

Did you know that the most common word in divorces in America today is Facebook? For real. People are spending more time online than with their spouses and children. Can you say “Demise of the family unit as we know it?” I new ya could. You may think it’s no big deal, but just ask someone who hasn’t had a family. Not so good. Take an interest, or bug out. Make a decision people. Real people are interesting. People watching is great only if you have a loved one with you to denigrate/ make fun of/ laugh at the strangers you see. If you go to Wal-Mart and just sit there alone, laughing at people, one of two things will happen. You will get a visit from store security or from men in white lab coats. Neither of those choices is a good one. Being alone with technology does no one any good.

Except me,

I get material to write about at work when the fucking modem dies, and the IT guy is here trying to fix it at $Arm/Leg per hour, and I can’t do shit. Guess just what he’s doing while working on our computers? Yes, and his smartphone ringtone is the theme from The Jetsons.

But I Digress…

Crank

The purpose of this quiz is to test your wilderness survival skills. You are a modern person with modern needs. Things like broken legs, heat stroke, and dehydration are things that happened back when your grandparents were kids. We have different concerns today, like my Twitter account is blocked! But when a real nature-related crisis strikes, how will you react? Will you do the right thing? Is rubbing salmon on your pajamas before bedtime a good camping practice?

1. You stayed up late drinking in the desert and, when you wake up in the dirt the next morning, you have major cottonmouth. You soon discover you forgot to bring any water. You should…
1. Hurry home so you can relax and watch TV.
2. Find a cactus and chop at it until you get to the chewy water-filled center.
3. Just start drinking more beer.
4. Hack at your drinking buddy until you get to the chewy water-filled center.

2. You are traveling for work, but you pull off the road to pee behind a bush. When you get back to the car you find out your mobile Wi-Fi does not work here.
1. Cancel the trip and head back home.
2. Make a splint and try to walk to the highway.
3. Use your smart phone.
4. Make a fire by rubbing two sticks against yourself.

3. You are stung by a scorpion while hiking in the Sonora Desert.
1. Slice open the wound and suck out the venom.
2. Quickly drink as much as possible in case it starts to hurt later.
3. Try to make it sting you again because the second sting cancels the first.
4. Seek out a local shaman, so you have someone else to drink with.

4. You are cross country skiing when your friend has run out of weed. You should…
1. Sob uncontrollably.
2. Try to find pizza delivery.
3. Leave him there with only the stems and seeds and go get more weed.
4. Cover his feet with a foot of snow.

5. Your buddy just fell down a cliff. He is begging you to bring him his iPad so he can catch up on a few things while waiting for emergency services. You should…
1. Drink all his beer.
2. Check to see if he has porn on his iPad.
3. Tell him you will only help him when he proves he can walk around on his own.
4. Split and watch 127 Hours on his iPad for tips.

6. After taking a hot chick into the desert for sex, your car breaks down. You are twenty miles from the nearest paved road and its growing hotter as the noon hour approaches. Soon it will be well over a hundred degrees.
1. Have sex immediately, before it gets any hotter.
2. Drink every drop of water you have at once.
3. Drain the radiator for drinking.
4. Start collecting your urine. Chicks dig that.

7. The ice seemed thick enough, but your friend just fell into a frigid lake. You are two miles from your car, what should you do?
1. Ask him if he sees any fish.
2. Have him jog back to the car for beers; it will help him stay warm.
3. Keep pouring more water on him and ask him if you can keep his CDs.
4. Have him stay in the water while you jog back to the car for beers to stay warm.

8. You are searching a parking lot for your missing wallet when your friend throws up. He seems disoriented and flushed.
1. Tell him he needs to find his own way home because you do not want puke in your car.
2. Pretend you do not know him and hurry away.
3. Continue to search. As long as he is still sweating, he will be okay.
4. Take your friends wallet while he’s still disoriented.

9. Your car ran out of gas in your driveway.
1. Go back to bed.
2. Get inside of the car and turn on the heater.
3. Make a fire and set up your tent.
4. Dig a moat around the car so water does not flood it.

10. Which of these items are the most important to have if you need to hike 40 miles back to civilization?
1. As much food and water as your girlfriend can carry.
2. As much alcohol as you can gather.
3. X-Box.
4. Your urine from that last time you were stuck in the desert.

Answer Key:

1. C
2. A
3. B
4. B
5. A
6. B
7. B
8. A
9. C
10. B

Grades:

100%	You probably already work for The Daily Discord.
90%	You are a good person to have around if we run out of beer.
80%	I would trust you going on a beer run.
70%	Follow someone that knows what they are doing.
60%	Keep the car in sight.
50%	Stay on the tour bus.
40%	Maybe Six Flags is enough excitement for you.
30%	Read any good books lately?
20%	My grandmother loves company.
10%	Stick to your X-Box.

I get that a lot lately. Yes, the 800lb beige gorilla in the room has managed to somehow lose 30 lbs. Giving up nearly everything you love to eat apparently has that effect. When I was younger the only incentive to stay fit involved getting girls. But sometimes even then it just wasn’t enough (aka, boy those Twinkies and that 3 liter bottle of Coke look real good, but I better not if I want to gggaaaammmffff-glugglugglug). Oh well, so much for the diet or the date.

Now it’s very different. After 50 + years of being asked to do the impossible—the regulation of blood sugar for someone with a sweet tooth, nay, a sweet TUSK—my pancreas has flown the white flag of surrender. If it could speak, it would be handing me my ass on a platter about now, which I couldn’t then eat because of all of the associated sugar. The Doc said that I was ‘borderline’ and needed to take daily doses of a wonderful little drug called Metformin, or as I have renamed it, ‘Hello Cramps!’

You see, with the aid of medication, I have been able to cheat destiny many times. Survival has become my very own version of Star Trek’s ‘Kobiashi-Maru’ test. Thanks to drugs like Crestor and Hyzaar, I have, like Captain Kirk, successfully changed the parameters of cause and effect, allowing me to attain an age even my father never reached. Patting myself on the back for attaining the blood pressure and cholesterol of thin people whilst engaging in my very own Food Channel version of “Dancing with Mr. D” as the Stones called it, has now come back to bite me in the ass.

Metformin is supposed to help the pancreas generate insulin, which it does rather effectively. But it does so at a cost. I take it with dinner so as to “lessen its effects on the stomach” as the directions state. Yeah, well, notsomuch. About halfway though Dancing With the Has-beens, as I talk to my wife “Gee hon, I think they got a real good bunch of HOLYSHIT-OH-MY-GOD THAT HURTS…pleaseletmediepleaseletmedie!”

Not wanting to endure the pain of CHILDBIRTH every evening for THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE, I have succumbed to what my Wife calls Healthy Eating Habits. I call it The Long Tasteless Goodbye. As I sit there at dinner trying to be upbeat about my dinner salad I rephrase the words to an old favorite Meatloaf song, Paradise by the Dashboard Light, as I sing to myself:

Shit, I can’t eat Meatloaf either.

Now that you all feel very sad for me, and dammit you should, let me say now there is a bright side to this friggin foodless fiasco. First off, it’s been a long time since I was this size. One day, as I walked across the showroom at work, my pants—ones I have had an intensely close relationship with for many years—had to my absolute horror suddenly decided the floor was where they’d rather be! It was like my ass wasn’t good enough anymore, I didn’t quite know why at the time, studying my belt and the pants closer for issues. It wasn’t till then that I realized I had in fact lost width. When I got home and ran to the bathroom and stepped on the digital scale that heretofore despised me, I had lost 30 lbs!

Well hi-de-fucking-ho there fellas. To paraphrase Sarah Palin, I can see my feet from my house!

The problem now is that I need all new clothes. Because of the recession, I can ill afford such luxuries as clothes, so I hereby state my intentions to petition President Obama for a “Too Big to Fall” pants stimulus bailout.

As I write this I am at a weight I haven’t seen in probably 20 years, and while I miss my sugar, I find that it’s the carbs I miss the most. Just what the FUCK am I supposed to do with sauce, eh? Make believe I got pasta? Drink it like soup? What? I also found that the makers of Aspartame should be arrested for war crimes. I would love to water board them myself. Soylent Yellow. Aspartame is jet fuel. If you must diet, think Stevia. Oh, and looking for a diet soda that won’t make you plotz? Try Dr. Pepper 10. Not 0 calories, but not 300 either. 10 calories, they actually add sugar, just not a shit load.

Can I keep it up? I hope so, and my wife does too. Only time will tell, but I have to say I would really rather die like my grandpa did…calmly in his sleep at a ripe old age, not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving at the time.

Greens, its wut’s fer dinner? L

helpme

Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors…you know, the Middle Class.

As this week’s Mega Millions is exceeding all expectations and is now at 650 miwwiyun dowwas, I know intellectually I stand a better chance of a faith healer kick starting my pancreas with a laying on of hands than actually winning it. “Oh ye of faith, pray ye to God that insulin shall flow and Twinkies and Coke shall be imbibed with no ill effects…praise the Lord.”

I may fully understand my chances, yet still participate all the same. On my favorite TV show (Fox Business Channel), Stewart Varney had a ‘numbers expert’ on and he said the odds were now 1 in about 175 million, and we shouldn’t bother. That’s less chance than our own Mick Zano shutting the hell up about Fox during any given week.

Varney asked this number guru if someone would win. He said “Oh yes, at some point you will have a winner.” Varney then asked him if he had partaken of this week’s game. “Of course,” said he.

I rest my case. With the winnings this big, all the networks had to trot out all the stories of life gone wrong because of winning the lottery. In watching all these stories, I realized that all these people had at least one of three things in common. Not a full set of teeth, exceedingly low I.Q., and/or family members willing to kill for a cut. Like the man who got robbed of $576 thousand in cash-AT A STRIP CLUB! Okay, we know the first question, just how many fucking lap dances did you think you were getting that day, Stiffy McHornbag?

Then there was the tragedy of a guy losing his wife and daughter to overdose. “Geeh, my wife and kid are hooked big time, should I send them to the best rehab? Naaah, I’ll just give them a shitload of cash and things will just work themselves out.” Or remember the guy whose sister-in-law and her ‘boyfriend’ kidnapped and killed him in a botched attempt at a payoff. “We never liked her anyway.”

How about the guy that lost millions in Vegas. Or the guy that “just lost track of the money.” Don’t worry, that one has a happy ending. Obama is working on an economic czar position for that dude.

See the common thread here? Stu-fucking-pidity. It’s just like giving millions to young athletes, or to child stars (also known as the Lohan Effect). It usually doesn’t end well. As I’ve said before, there should be a test before anyone receives large sums of money. If you are too stoopid, you have to hire a business manager who has to report to a court monthly (aka, if you’re a public douche, you need a public fidusch). You would be given an ‘allowance’ commensurate with your past experiences of handling money. Investing and budgeting classes would be mandatory.

If you’re stupid, you will end up with relatives coming out of the woodwork in waves, daily robberies of your home, and small unruly armies camped out in your yard that make Oakland’s Occupy movement seem well organized. And absolutely know when to say ‘NO’. They say that a fool and his money are soon parted. Yeah, like the friggin Red Sea.

I can see it now, the TV interview with the winner. It will be either the old person who will still go to work daily cause it’s wut ah do, or the toothless yahoo with a third grade edumacashun, dressed in his Sunday-go-to-meetin’ clean t shirt, planning to ‘bondo-up the Pinto’ with his extra cash.

I cry every time I see that happen—every time some idiot with long hair and an AC/DC t-shirt gets handed that big fake check and, when asked what he’s going to do with the money, invariably says, “gonna paaaaaaarty!” while holding up the Metal hand sign.

See, in my world the check issuer would snatch it back, right then, and clock him on the head with it and say, “I think not, asshole.”

You do get the ones that tell you they would “give most of it away to charity” and “keep just a little for myself.” Bullshit. On a local TV news show, three regular news people were sitting around the set near the end of the broadcast. One said he would donate “at least half” to some heretofore unknown charity. Another said she would, “Buy my family new houses and put all the kids through college.”

The last one turned to the camera just as the show is coming to an end and with a crooked smile said, “Oh, I will be needing a MUCH bigger garage…”

My thoughts exactly.

The Crank

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky “credentials.” Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Here, in the land of perpetual progressive positive support (PPPS), everyone gets a trophy. It’s like that Minnesota Senator said when he was just a comedian, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people voted for me.”

However, just as the Life Coaching craze is reaching new heights, a new type of coaching is hitting the scene, the Anti-Life Coach. With the damage done and a Nation whittling itself away through the endless enabling of entitled assholes, isn’t it time to reverse the tide?

We at the Discord tracked down one of these new pioneers, William Lynn, and he was more than happy to fill us in.

“Life Coaching builds people up, how stupid is that? Like Americans have any problems with positive self esteem, please. Have you seen the kids these days? They want cell phones at age six and it had better be a smart phone or some parent will have enough laxative poured into their drink to make a hippo crap an elephant,” said Lynn. “I think it’s far more vital to explain to people why they suck and aren’t really all that important.”

Lynn’s books include Aren’t We All Just a Bunch of Money Grubbing Sheep? and  We’re All Going to be Dead Soon Anyway, so Get the Fuck Over Yourselves.

When I asked if Mr. Lynn was familiar with the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman, he said, “He epitomizes our movement. He understands on a level I don’t even understand. He’s somehow tapping into our collective fuckupitude,” said Lynn.

When asked how often his services were being used, he laughed in my face and called me a broke loser before continuing. “There aren’t enough hours in the week to shoot down all the pompous a-holes out there, but to ignore your question; most of my clients are teens. Teenagers are well known for their ‘know everything’ attitude and their undeserved feelings of entitlement. Some parents will pay a fortune for me to take their brats down a couple of notches. Sometimes I even get a bonus if they leave my office in tears. Awwwe, you want a lollypop? You are a fucking lollypop, you barely employable, high school dropout shit head! Get used to dumpster diving for your lollypops, bitch.”

Others are less fond of this new school of coaching. Dr. Moonmurmur Freecloud had this to say: “Lynn’s idea that Americans need to be brought down instead of up is ridiculous. Just because most Americans are shamelessly spoiled, does not mean they don’t have feelings. Why just the other day, my Mercedes was in the shop and I was forced to drive our Cadillac SUV to the office, how embarrassing. I thought I’d never recover. My therapist heard an earful over that one. Oh could you excuse me, the heiress Cullenta is here and I need to help her come to grips with her vacation home conundrum.”

Delving deeper into this new Anti-Life trend helped me discover a laundry list of ‘issues’ Anti-Life Coaching claims to be able to help one overcome. This list includes: Thinking you are always right, Grandiosity, Being happy, Positive self-esteem, Entitlement, Lack of self-loathing, Chronic lack of self-loathing, Feeling better than others, Not wanting to kill yourself, Failure to self criticize, Not over-analyzing your every move, Unrealistic goals, Positive Body Image, and Thinking you could still be a rock star, artist, sports hero, author, or spoof news journalist.

Lynn summed it up thusly. “We’re just giving you a reality check. Face it, in the grand scheme of things most of us are just boring losers. America tried to drill it into our heads that we are special and bound for great things and glory, but most are likely to veg in front of the TV all day in a messy room that you’re just too lazy to clean.”

Then Lynn started to insult me, claiming that he had read my work and stated I was way too full of myself. I told him he was obviously an imbecile for not recognizing my genius and then punched him in the ear. In the ensuing battle, he kept criticizing my fighting techniques, which just made me punch him harder. One of his lackeys called the police and I’m writing this article from the jail library. Winslow is refusing to bail me out, again. He thinks I need some humility too and is thinking about hiring an Anti-life coach for me. It figures.

If during a conversation someone called you an asshole, you would leave the area upset or stove in someone’s head with a Louisville Slugger, via Joe Pesci in Goodfellas (my choice). Hurtful words can even lead to suicide, a reaction I have never understood (outside of reading Zano features). My first thought would be to end the other person’s life. Where does that get you? Dead? Not even. Although, my mom did manage to get both dead and even…with me at least. I’ll never forget her loving last words, “I may end up dead, but I will get you back!”

People use hurtful words to make themselves feel better. When you run out of real honest facts to back up your theories, one can rely on “Oh yeah, well just go fuck yourself”, or the classic “yo mama”. And, for the really adventurous, “Yo mama go fuck yourself”.

On the other hand, if your penis (or brain) is exceptionally small, and all your friends found out, you may go ape-shit and start flinging mouth-missiles at them. As if that will remake your image in their eyes, and with each and every word, your dick/brain gets bigger ala Pinocchio. In the case of a small penis, just purchase a Dodge Viper, it will work wonders.

The other reason is the person who you are conversing, seems to have a hearing problem, or an understanding problem, and just keeps tossing what are today known as ‘Talking Points’ back at you. Unless there are massive amounts of mind-numbing medication involved, you might want to use hurtful words. Ostensibly to possibly wake the person out of his ‘body-awake/mind-asleep’ state—a state with which I am very familiar. It’s what got me through the seventies, as well as a supermarket career. I remember thinking super is in the name, so what’s the worst that can happen?

If you think that calling someone asshole will change their mind then you are somewhat mistaken. I have never once seen someone react like “Oh, geeh, I see your point. I AM an asshole! You are absolutely correct. I now see the error of my ways, and would have never realized how wrong I was until you enlightened me by calling me a name.”

Dorks.

What I now see is that the internet has helped the human race in a way totally unforeseen by even its inventor, Al Gore. I have previously stated about how the word ‘racist’ now means virtually nothing thanks to the far left, successfully undoing a century’s worth of work, sacrifice and even deaths on behalf of equal rights. Well, now the internet has redeemed itself. Now, if you are having an animated conversation with a relative or friend, and this other person starts running out of ideas and hurls insults at you like hail in a twister, you now just shrug and say “Well, I guess you’re a (place political/lifestyle affiliation here) and you just shrug and walk away. No harm done, see ya later.

Yes, it’s true! The internet’s anonymity has given strength to the meek, by hiding their skinny asses from the much bigger, the ones with who one used to agree with so as not to become dead. So much strength that their words no longer have any meaning. The only meaning these hateful words now have is to align yourself with other people of similar tastes, to become ‘one of the guys’ you must know the newest insult, like having the newest handbag makes you person of the five seconds in your crowd. So meaningful isn’t it?

Which now brings me to another mental epiphany, so called “funny” insults? This is a habit even I admit I used to partake of. I have, as of late, ‘seen the light’ as it were, and now take on the education of my peers as a new life’s work. OK, maybe a few months. Ok, maybe just now. I am like the ex-smoker who now harasses all who partake. I am the festering boil on all your collective asses. Well, actually I have been that to most of my family and friends for most of my life, but for different reasons. This is my reason du jour.

I realized just how ‘un-funny’ that these so called ‘funny’ insults were when I heard people I respected laughing at things that were so incredibly hurtful to the object of their insult that it had the opposite effect on me. I didn’t laugh. I either felt sorry for the individual being chastised for speaking their beliefs, or what they had done was so wrong in my view that there was really nothing ‘funny’ about it. I then realized that when someone has the opposite view from you on any subject, the only reasons I can think of to hurl insults at them, or their families, is to make you feel like you are superior to them, or to be the ‘person of the minute’ in your crowd, or to silence them.

I want you all to think about this. If you have ever laughed at the denigration of someone’s intelligence or even their families and children by someone because they disagree with that person, you are not really a nice person. You may even, well, suck.

Comedy as a medium has made funny insults its very own since the first caveman slipped on a banana, and all the other cavemen laughed their hairy, unibrow-ed asses off. TV in the fifties and sixties was full of comedy that really did not insult. Think of Abbot and Costello’s Who’s on First?, or the Three Stooges’ Niagara Falls. That’s not what I am talking about. I am talking of mean spirited vile that is aimed at ones family tree, children, sexuality, gender or intelligence that is meant to try to silence them. THAT IS THE REAL REASON FOR THESE INSULTS. To silence them. If you are so afraid of someone, for reasons real or imagined, state your case, then shut the fuck up. If you are correct, most will see this and not listen to them. Kinda like the Romulans. If you are in the minority? Oh well, suck it up, life’s a beeoch. It happens. To me more often than most and I’m ok with that. Look up the word ‘minority’ in your Funk & Wagnall’s, there’s a picture of a beige ape.

The problem today is that everyone agrees with me. Just not when they do it. It’s ok when I do it, it just wrong when they do it. While they all call for “civil discourse”, they all hurl brain bombs at each other. You are all full of shit. Either stop it, or make it open season on enemies. After all, “they” are the enemy after all. I mean, if they disagree with me, they cannot possibly love America, can they? It’s not like we are a democratic republic or anything like that. It’s not like we should compromise, perish the thought.

Bent

The Crank