Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My master told me a great quote once, “One can acquire everything in solitude.”

But I have houseguests that won’t leave.  It’s been weeks, dude!  I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone.  I want that solitude back.

JJ

Dear JJ,

You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend.  To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.

As for your houseguests, tell them, “Life is a journey.  And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!”

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Yes, it scared the shit out of me.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T

Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

OK, I almost buy this overcoming fear with beer stuff, but can you explain any of this shit without trying to sell me a book?  Oh, and who are the Zen Carnes?

Oceal

Dear Oceal,

Of course I can explain it without trying to sell you a book.  Consider one of my new audio CDs, Change Your Thinking through Drinking.  And, if you act right now, I’ll make mine a double.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  I was raised by Zen Carnes, but I don’t like to talk about it. 

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I accidentally found your work entitled Inspiring Women to Heel.  You control freak sicko! 

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Thank you for the feedback.  Actually, Sicko was by Michael Moore.  Your confusion stems from having read book 2 first, is all.  Please read Acceptance and Surrender: Why I Insist the Women in My Life Understand These. Only then will you master the Tao of Skull Fucking.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your last reader nailed it.  You’re preaching about enlightenment, yet you’re glorifying the abuse of alcohol, hallucinogens, and things you probably make in your basement.  BWTF?

Sincerely,

Hal

(I’m not telling you where I live, bitches)

Dear Hal,

Thank goodness for RSS feed cookies, or we’d never have been able to track down all of your personal information and sell it on the black market for Mad Dog money.

Look, I only have a short column through which to convey a ton of important information.  To really understand the true essence of my teachings, you should purchase my latest masterpiece, Opened Heart, Bloated Liver: a Warrior’s Path to Partying.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. BWTF? Is that Big Wet Titty Fun?  … just a guess, but an educated one.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Not sure you are contributing to society. It seems you behave poorly after you’ve been beer drinking and hell-raising.  Maybe you need to switch to wine, or maybe you need professional help.

Sincerely,

Carman

Dear Carman,

Note sure what your question is, but I will address what I can:

A. Sure I contribute to society, just not in a positive way.

B. Wine is for people who haven’t developed a palate for beer.

C. Yes, I do behave poorly when drinking, which may explain my nickmame, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heineken.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Tales of Shamanic Debauchery and now I am asking myself why?  What was the point of writing that thing?  And what is your reference in Chapter four to your power animal?  You don’t explain this and then the chapter ends rather abruptly.

Tamisha

Fort Collins, CO

Dear Tamisha,

Sometimes we read without remaining present, our minds often wander and lose focus, so we end up missing critical elements.  That’s not the case with this book.  I was very drunk when I wrote it.  The title should have made that clear.  The chapters end when my transmission from the spirit realm ends.  I usually have some forewarning when the spin monsters descend from the cosmic void.  Oh, and I broke up with my power animal.  So what are you doing Thursday, Tamisha?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any nick names or aliases? Just curious.

Greg D.

Straatmore, CO

Dear Greg,

Some call me the Keeper of the Sacred Knowledge. Others call me Dances with Drinks. Still others call me the Man Who Should Stop His Drunken Facebook Posts!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  And don’t even get me started on Toking Twitter Tuesdays!

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any advice for the newlyweds, William and Kate?

Sincerely,

Charles & Camilla

Dear royal peeps,

I’m really beginning to question the authenticity of some of these emails…like the last one, Vern from Vernon?  BWTF?  That’s, of course, a shamanic phrase meaning Bustie White Titty Fuckers, which is Persian for…fine, I’ll bite. 

You should have eloped!  Sure you got some tourism benefits, but jolly old England aint so f-ing jolly anymore.   Save your cash, start pinching some pounds.   Wait, that didn’t work. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and tell Kate about my next Rieki Robotripping Retreat. Don’t worry, she’ll get the royal treatment.