Dear Ghetto Dude,

I noticed a trend at the locker room that’s quite startling. No, it wasn’t my shocking lack of manhood. That is another topic entirely. I want to know about the latest crave sweeping the nation. Wait for it, manscaping!! I notice, not intentionally, but that other guys are trimming this shit back. I have to admit I have a situation going on down yonder. It’s like a wild, untamed bush beast. What should I do about this dick fro, bro?

Harry Testicles

Dear Harry,

Nair.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I recently sculpted a bonsai tree out of mine. Just don’t use garden shears. But if you do have a mishap, some universities will purchase your balls for cash! I’ve donated three myself. Woe…there goes another one. Good thing they grow back.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where the HELL is your material? I am so done with you and your New Age timeliness, deadlines be damned, Zen do-nothingness!

Pierce Winslow, CEO

Dear Mr. Winslow,

My material ended the day I stopped recieving the Round the World in Forty 40s. Remember you signed me up for that monthly malty magic? Well, I stopped getting the shipments. I shotgunned my last case of Schlitz High Gravity last weekend and then I never got my batch of Crazy Stallion. It’s as easy to get things right, boss man.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I’ll always take Mad Dog 20/20 in a pinch.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

BWTF? How come you don’t post an update every Friday morning? Your boss is always making excuses for you. I think he’s enabling your continued poor behaviors. Is this truly the way?

Yikes

Dear Yikes,

The Ghetto Shaman will not be posting this week, through no fault of his own, as the Shaman is often in a transcendal state (passed out). Besides, he answers nearly a question a week, a feverish pace. Also, once intoxicated, not only does he make contact with those higher realms, he also attracts those higher authorities, namely the police. I assure you he is very dedicated to the Daily Discord and remains one of our most consistent contributors (at least comparatively). He will be back to answer your questions next week…ish. You can’t rush a Zen monk, nor can you rush a drunken monkey like the Ghetto Zenman.

CEO Pierce Winslow

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have not been able to acquire any of your fine works. The only reference to them on Google originates from this site. I am really curious about your important work The Tao of Skullfucking and I’ve been wondering if this is a metaphor, or a euphemism, or what.

P. Keller

Dear P. Keller,

No, no, this is quite literal. One must simply learn the proper technique to safely harness the energy of this incredibly profound cosmic act. The deep significance of this sacred skullular uninion can evoke powerful Satori experiences. But if the eyeball can not be popped back into place, please rush your significant other to the emergency room immediately.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Do not attempt this, under any circumstances, without either attending one of my Satori Skullfucking workshops or sending me a check for $49.95.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Chief Seattle once said, “When the Earth is sick, the animals will begin to disappear. When that happens, The Warriors of the Rainbow will come to save them.”  I think we are closing in on that time period. Are you an activist? Are you an environmental warrior?

Running Bear

Dear Running Bear,

They used to call me Running Bare, but now it’s a felony. I am part of a complacent activist Buddhist group known as I am That, but not on weekends. And I do hang out with the Warriors of the Rainbow at the bar known as Peaches & Court. There we attempt to save the planet one drunken show tune at a time.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re stepping on the dream of the planet, not to mention my dreams, and you have women issues to boot!!!!

Leanna

Dear multi-exclamation-points,

Many do consider me the Founding Father of Drunken Debauchery. And, yes, women do boot me; that’s the issue! But are they really my issues? The restraining orders certainly suggest so. For your wisdom I have sent you a free coupon for my book, Awakening the One Eyed Cosmic Serpent. I suggest you don’t read it. Maybe re-gift it to that special someone in your life. Then suggest that they don’t read it.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Never give up on your dreams, because one day you really might just wake up naked in class. I have…and I’m not even enrolled anywhere.

The following is a public service announcement:

The Ghetto Shaman column has been cancelled this week due to unforeseen circumstances involving the police, Mad Dog 20/20, and some high grade nutmeg. The Shaman would still like to plug his latest books: Channel Your Aggression into Fast Cash! and the critically exclaimed The Shaman’s Gift and other STDs.

Stay tuned next week for the triumphant return of the Ghetto Shaman…or not.

Pierce Xavier Winslow

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The Mayans were truly amazing people, but what is cosmogenesis and the galactic code?

Joan Drummond

Albany, NY

Dear Joan,

Cosmowhowhatsas?  The Battlestar Galacticode is on Friday nights on the Sci-Fi Channel.  I believe it’s about Cylons, not Mayans. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My wife just left me for another man; I hate my boss and my landlord. Everything sucks. I could use some of your wise counsel.

Will-EEE

Dear Will-EEE,

Why do you shirk from these things? Why do you avoid them? Misfortune can catapult us to spiritual awareness. You need to reread my book Turn that Frown Upside Tao: Embracing Life’s Suckage.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. If it’s any consolation, I plan to just use and abuse your wife and then dump her ass.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your show All Things Discouraged doesn’t resonate much with many of the common premises and assumptions of the New Age Movement. And by “doesn’t resonate much”, I mean none. Your collective work is pretty much one colossal cosmic contradiction. And when I say “pretty much”, I mean totally. And what do you mean by the Dry Hump Sutras?

Terrence

Dear Terrence,

This is as good a time as any to announce this: I will no longer be hosting All things Discouraged. Instead we are happy to introduce Spiritual Questions, Inappropriate Answers. Now to your question: much of the dharma is focused on paradoxes, not contradictions or even contraindications. Speaking of which, I just realized Percocets, Xanax, scotch, and more scotch is also apparently contraindi……………

The Ghetto Shaman