Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you do soul retrievals? Are you like a full on, balls to the walls shamanic healer, or do you ever break down and use western medicine?

Sandy Duncan

Dear I loved you in The Sound of Music,

Where to begin? I don’t do soul retrievals, but I do do bowl retrievals. You know, when it slips between the cushions of my couch when I’m getting zorked. And, yes, I do a lot of western medicine, unless I think my probation officer is around. But I do adamantly refuse to go to doctors. This is an integral part of my spiritual path and my shamanic tradition, so when something’s wrong with me physically I try to ignore it long enough for denial to set in. For instance, it’s not burning as I pee right now, it’s simply the Mexican food I had last week.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or maybe I shouldn’t have tried to fuck that tequila bottle.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you thought about your New Years resolutions?

Migo

Dear Migo,

No, my tradition involves making end of the year resolutions. This way it’s not much of a commitment, so if you don’t follow them it’s no big deal.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Remember, this year it’s not too late to make your end of the world resolutions.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I hope they don’t pay you much. You don’t seem to do a whole lot except put people down.

Henny

Dear Henny,

I am a spiritual guru, so I never put anyone down, asshole. Here’s the thing, I don’t get paid much, because our CEO is kind of a skin flint. I do get 10¢ per word and just answering your fool question is going to score me me me me me 40 oz of malty magic. Sorry, I was a coming up a little short this week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you do the traditional Thanksgiving thing this year with turkey, ham, and all the trimmings?

Iggy

Dear Iggy,

Yes. I made off with quite a haul from the refrigerator of that duplex across the street. Same thing every year…different house, of course.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hallucinogens are finally being recognized in modern western science as beneficial to certain mood disorders. These plant spirits have always been used in ceremonial rituals for tens of thousands of years, and I believe they can actually bring forth things from other realms.

Oceal

Dear Oceal,

Agreed! They do bring forth things from other realms! Like the contents of my stomach onto the bathroom wall and floor….although mostly the wall. I realize that’s counter-intuitive, but that’s the plant spirits and tequila for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw this thing on the Discord where you auctioned off your virginity to charity. No offense, but who is going to believe you’re a virgin?

Madonna

Dear Madonna,

This might come as a shock to you, but, despite my best seller The Tao of Skullfucking, I have never been skullfucked.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. All proceeds will go to the Miley Cyrus BYOB Foundation.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one remain in a state of grounded ever present awareness when your wife is being such a bitch!

Dan

Dear Dan,

We don’t have to react to content, Dan. That is the key. This will enrage your wife, of course, so keep the number for Adult Protective Services handy. They really despise that aloof meditative half-smile as well, so protect your face.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Did you watch how, on election night, Karl Rove calmly accepted his colleague’s statement that Obama had won Ohio? That man has truly cleared and opened all of his chakras! He has shifted consciousness itself way up through the sphincter of blissful propaganda.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Where do you live? Were you impacted by Sandy?

Hopes and prayers,

Becca

Dear Becca,

I live under the Market Street Bridge and, yes, I was greatly impacted by Sandy. But she’s not going to get a dime of that child support! And stop calling my parole officer, bitch! He knows you’re full of shit!!

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Isn’t shamanism simply some misguided romanticism? Isn’t it a rejection of progress via the teachings of a primitive, often savage form of tribalism?

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Well, it is the way I do it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. At the risk of sharing too much, when you said “primitive” and “savage” I got a little wood.

Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says “updated Fridays” on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe

Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage…and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It’s kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it’s half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman