Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics? Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke

Dear Kevin,

Indeed. There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Advice please. I’m thinking about using eHarmony or Christian Mingle for some online dating, but there’s disturbing stuff in the news right now and I am concerned about venturing out into the world of E-dating.

Gale

Dear Gale,

Look no further, I have collaborated with the folks at Christian Mingle to create BibleThumperHumper.com. It’s good for all of your spiritual and nookie-related-needs (NRN).

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Don’t worry, it’s not case sensitive. And they made me put in the lousy acronym joke. Fascists

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think about Chuck Hagel’s nomination for Secretary of Defense?

Wyatt

Dear Wyatt,

I endorsed and supported Thor, the God of Thunder. I’m old school.

Regards,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I do support the Discord’s nomination of Martha Stewart as the Secretary of the Interior. What she can do with curtains and a few throw pillows…

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started this with Dear Douchebag, so if it says “Dear Ghetto Shaman” above this, I knew it!!

Gerbs

Dear Douchebag,

Never go up against an established columnist with the power of editorial license. And please pick up a copy of my latest book Expressing Gratitude Through Violence at no additional discount to you.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. You’re supposed to ask a question, douchebag.  See?  You can’t win.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What did you think of the movie Django? I think violence is too prevalent in our society and we really need to watch how things are projected through our shadow selves.

Why Z

Dear Why Z,

I loved that movie! That was the one where the little lizard is chased by the hawk through the desert, right? It was a little too violent for me too and it earned it’s PG rating. I liked that armadillo, Roadkill. I don’t remember any shadow elves but I was chugging malt liquor products at the time. Hey, how else was I going to drown out the sound of those little shits in front of me?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is your favorite movie and what is your favorite book?

Becca

Dear Becca,

My favorite movie of all time is Frankenhooker and my favorite book of all time…well, someone should write a book about the movie Frankenhooker.

The Ghetto Shaman

Instead of my usual column, I thought this correspondence between our CEO and some spammer was enlightening:

Hi,

I’m XXXXXXXX, and I blog at XXXXXXXX I’m wondering if I can offer a guest post to your site? I’m thinking of writing about “How to Improve Your Credit Rating,” as I think this post might be useful for your visitors.

What do you think? Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

Have a great week and thanks in advance.

Regards,

XXXXXXXX

Dear Blackened Rectangle,

Thank you for the offer, but have you actually read our site? I don’t think that our visitors would trust us with financial advice. Now the Ghetto Shaman commenting on how to trash your credit rating through alcohol, drugs and Thai hookers, maybe. Thanks again for your interest!

Pierce X. Winslow

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you a neat freak or a slob? I’m only asking because this book I’m reading suggests cleaning up your external world before you start addressing the internal. Does that make sense?

Carol

Dear Carol,

I’m OCD, but only in a mystical way. The snake gods are all lined up in size order and the jaguars’ claws are all neatly trimmed. And when I’m on shrooms my mystical mansion would put Martha Stewart to shame. But, as for this plane of existence, my room looks like it was dropped from a low flying plane onto a Frat house.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. After a chug & puke contest.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How will you remember 2012?

Yazzie

Dear Yazzie,

I think this picture below really sums things up for me. Only in my version of reality Peppermint Patty was naked and Lucy wasn’t. Weird, huh?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you were arrested again, and/or in rehab.

Deuce

Dear #2,

Consider your source! Trying to stay in tune with The Discord’s new level of journalistic integrity, I was arrested trying to protect my source…and for throwing a tequila bottle at arresting officers. But my source is protected, because, man, he sells the best weed in town, MFs.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I know you’ve said I tend to send you even more material from jail, Mr. Winslow, but this time I’m going on strike until I meet bail. (hint, hint.) Remember, it’s not enabling if it brings about real meaningful change.

“I can change, I swear.”

-Bob Dylan