Dear Ghetto Shaman,

During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus.  Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?

Stephanie

Mechanicsburg, PA

Dear Stephanie,

Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid.  You are a true warrior.  Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and I am having a hard time staying in the ever present now.  My chattering mind and my battling ego seem to always be working against me.  Any suggestions on how to improve my meditation skills?

Tara

Eugene, OR

Dear Tara,

You should dump Tolle. I am a greater bridge to all non-dual states, or a Tolle bridge, if you will.  Try my own antithesis to his mindfulness banter: Anti-Zen Living in the Then: Harnessing the Power of Anxiety.  You too can worry your way to Nirvana with my 47 session CD Angst Kit (AK47).  Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. 

As seen on Jitter and Pacebook.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.

Ralph

Sioux City, IA

Dear Ralph,

I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism!  For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY

Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock. 

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

 The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings.  I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place. 

Karla

Soho, NY

Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla.  In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew!  Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room.  Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women.  It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA

Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War.  Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. 

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Jackie O

Hemet, CA

Dear Jackie,

Here’s my forecast:

2010	2011	2012
Sunny Skies	Partly Cloudy	50% Chance of Mayan Gods

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman.  During an exotic soul retrieval last Saturday night, I journeyed to the Lowerworld and mistakenly tapped into some very dark spirits.  Mistakes were made and, as a result, I may need to enlist the help of a fellow Shaman to return to the Lowerworld and retrieve what I have now lost.

Nagual Miguel

State College, PA

Dear Nagual,

If I understand you correctly, you were looking for some Thai Hookers in the Rathskeller this weekend.  Instead, you found some stout beer on draft that went down a little too well, if you follow.  So you ended up getting into a fight, you got barred, and/or the bar staff still has your credit card.  Been there, done that… 

I believe I can help.  And by help I mean, beat you to the bar, steal your identity, and buy me a bitching jet ski.  Just send me your birthday and SS# and I will get right on this. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman  

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012?  It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH

What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes?  It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title?  I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA

Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive!  If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman