Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you never mention meditation?  I am beginning to question your wisdom.

L.L.

Draper, UT

Dear L.L.,

Only beginning to question?  You should read my book Meditation Overdose: Driving Under the Zenfluence.  Here is an excerpt:

“To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and then pull repeatedly. It helps to hone your visualization skills during this process.  I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian.  Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner. ”

The Shucking Bubba Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your response to Mauled Forearms, you noted that enlightenment is not a finite endpoint. This intrigues me greatly, as I never fully realized this before your explanation. First, thank you! You truly do speak with great insight. Second, tell me more about this sliding scale of enlightenment. Please give me examples of people and where they fall along this sliding enlightenment scale. For instance: Ghandi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, and Boy George.

Thank you so much!

16 cent

Dear 16 cent,

Wow, you’re going to make me work this week.  I got a 40 oz malt liquor product that isn’t getting any colder, bitch.  Ken Wilber’s multiple intelligences might help here, like cognitive, moral, emotional, spiritual, etc.  Some people can be high in some areas and low in others.  Mother Teresa was sadly mired in fundamental thought, which ultimately impacted her moral judgment. True story.  Even Ghandi had an ethnocentric streak in his skinny ass—although, he was admittedly high in most other areas (hash, baby!).  Look at our own CEO, Pierce (never-posted-my-fucking-bail) Winslow:  his cognitive and, maybe even, his interpersonal scores are very high, but morals? spirituality?  The guy’s on par with a Bond villain.   But Wilber is for beginners.  For a real advanced course in the evolution of consciousness, I’ve reposted the pic below for your enjoyment.

Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?

Jay M.

Kokomo, IN

Dear Jay,

Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say “Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don’t like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don’t dare let it go.” I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY

Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote “Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit.”

Jill Y.

Ely, NV

Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: “[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory.”  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard an old Hopi saying, “We are the ones we have been waiting for.”  I thought that was really profound.

Mick Guernsey

Dear Mick,

I heard an old Hopi say, “The waiting is the hardest part,” and “Don’t come around here no more, bitch.”  Wait, that was Tom Petty.  Think he’s a Navajo.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY

Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Mad Dog 20/20: My Guardian Spirit and I really don’t think your Skank’s Healing Dungeon is going to help anyone.   Also, Sarah Palin does not have a new Italian cookbook out called Going Ragu, and the sacred power of pyramids has nothing to do with Amway products.  If you were wondering, that’s just the corrections from the Preface.

Susan R.

Dixon, CA

Dear Susan,

Sometimes it is necessary to make retractions.  You see, enlightenment is not a stagnant thing.  One can continue to grow and share in the splendor of this wondrous unfolding Universe, only through rigorous honesty.   One must always be ready and willing to stand up and promptly admit one’s mistakes.  I think you should do that now, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

I attended your enlightenment workshops recently, Be Happy, Mother Fuckers, and I am still in therapy.  Who gave you a license to shaman, anyway?

Heidi O.

Selinsgrove, PA

Dear Heidi-Heidi Oh,

Awesome!  Well, I don’t have “credentials,” per se, but I do have my second series of workshops coming up, Stay Happy, Bitches.  And, if you attended the first round, you may be eligible for a 10% discount (but there’s only 5% chance of that).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Therapy, eh?  Not only are you closer to enlightenment, Heidi, you’re creating jobs.  In this economy, I call that win-win.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In The Lord of the Rings, why aren’t there two dwarf Ringwraiths?  Two of the rings of Sauron were given to the dwarves, right?  So, like, where are the two shrimpy dark riders?  Stuff like this makes me crazy!

Jack P.

Lakewood, NJ

Dear Jack,

Er, the nine kings of men were the Ringwraiths.  Dragons ate the dwarves in those mines, dude, so no short dark riders necessary.  Do I have to teach you people everything?  I think brain chemistry and genetics are the stuff that made you crazy.  Now do the honorable thing and throw yourself into the fires of Mt. Doom, bitch.

The Ghetto Tolkien