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The Horny Goat Weed Question

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Mick Zano

Somehow it looks suspiciously droopy

What exactly is Goat Weed, let alone Horny Goat Weed?  Moving west has taught me many valuable life lessons, like the importance of staying east.  In the dank underbelly of some seedy Nevada truck stop, I found myself enthralled with a urinal condom machine (it wasn’t the first time).  On this metal cultural microcosm of western wanking were emblazoned the words “enhance your sex life with Horny Goat Weed”.  Below were the words “Proven Effective”.  Proven, not just “studies suggest”, or “emerging research indicates”, but “proven” to help me in an area that can always, always be kicked up a notch.  What the heck?  I’m not beyond enhancing my sex-life through 75 cent restroom novelty items.  Who is?  But what exactly is Horny Goat Weed?  I immediately envisioned one of those shady accident lawyers warning: “Have you or loved one ever tried to enhance your sex lives with Horny Goat Weed?  If your testicles turned several shades of red and then exploded in the aftermath, you may be eligible for a large cash reward.” 

I couldn’t handle that—I hate those commercials. 

Is Horny Goat Weed too good to be true?  Is it just a pipe dream?  (Pardon the unintentional imagery.) How does it work?  Is it flown in from the jungles of South America, or is it growing wild in my own backyard?  Is it something the Ghetto Shaman swears by? What is the side effect profile?  Is it safe to take with a bottle of Xanax and a bucket of Slurm?  Was it worth my last three quarters, or should I go with the old stand by, the ribbed French tickler?  Decisions in the back of greasy truck stops can change the course of history.  Some call this the latexfly effect.  OK, I just made that up, but now that it’s bandying about the morphic resonance, who knows?

My laptop is my trusty companion, my Samwise Tonto if you will, and the baby changing station has, no doubt, witnessed many an unsavory act, except the changing of a baby.  In fact, using this ‘station’ for its original intent would now probably constitute a phone call to Child Protective Services. In a pinch, it worked nicely as a laptop table.   The chances of getting online in the middle of the southern Nevada desert is about the same chance as some trucker saying, “Excuse me, sir, do you mind? I’m trying to change my baby.”  If, by some divine inter-net-vention, I were to get online in this stink pit, I would probably be breaking some fundamental law of the Universe by not searching porn.  Civilizations rise or fall on the decisions made in greasy truck…sorry. 

Alas, the gods mock me.  The search for more pertinent information about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait until I was comfortably situated in my hotel room.  

The next morning, to my horror, I discovered the Monte Carlo—in the heart of Las Vegas, Nevada—has only pay internet.  The nagging question about Horny Goat Weed would have to wait.  As the day wore on, the question became more of a burning sensation, a sensation that made me question the effectiveness of 75 cent French ticklers in the first place.  As it turns out, the internet is not free in any of the major hotel/casinos downtown.  When Las Vegas falls, I must remember to fiddle. 

Bald Tony arrived, but the booze and Thai hookers would have to wait; I needed answers and possibly ointments.  Failing miserably, all day, at getting anywhere with my web search, I gave Bald Tony explicit orders what to Google and to print out the results before returning to the Monte Carlo (under pain of death).  True to his word, Tony completely forgot.  So the next day, my curiosity about this strange but promising product had reached a fevered pitch, possibly C minor. 

[Scene missing for drunken Thai hooker orgy]

Sunday morning, Tony handed me three sheets of paper.  I scanned the documents with both fear and wonder.  Horny Goat Weed pertains to Chinese Herbalism (aka, ancient Chinese secret) and it goes by the name Epimedium Sagittatum, which is Latin for ‘Sir, your goat is humping my leg.’  Twelve minutes and two pages later I felt like an expert on what certainly sounded like some good clean, herb-induced boneage. But let’s get one thing straight; this is not your father’s Viagra…for one thing it’s called Horny Goat Weed and that, in and of itself, is worth risking your scrotum’s future.  And, if it ever fails, my offspring may be eligible for a large cash reward.  How could two billion China balls be wrong?  So my last three quarters may well be ‘change to believe in.’ 

Bald Tony, looking somewhat balder on this sunny Vegas morning, also arrived with a warning.  If you wish to verify the validity of any of this information, Tony strongly suggests implementing the safe-search feature on your web-surfing preferences when Googling the words ‘Horny Goat Weed.’  Otherwise, if you’re not careful, your eyes could melt out of your head like the end of that Raiders of the Lost Ark movie. 

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a dollar fifty worth of rest room novelty items on the line…

Onward to Vegas baby, and Vegas baby changing stations!
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Seven Mythical Creatures Dead after Botched Narnian Drone Attack

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Narnia—The Shuddering Wood earned its name after two violent explosions occurred earlier today.  The aftermath of a Predator Drone attack left seven innocent mythical creatures dead, dozens injured, and many others asking the question, how could this have happened in a mythical place?  The number of U.S. Drone attacks on Narnian soil has increased markedly in recent weeks, which has further strained Narnian-U.S. relations.  The Pentagon is calling the botched drone attack “a major fuck-up.”  Major Fuckup was unavailable for comment. 

Four minotaurs, two centaurs, and one faun were reportedly frolicking near the western end of the Shuddered Wood when eye witnesses claim all hell broke loose.

“It was all really peaceful like and then, all of a sudden, the manure hit the windmill,” said Nimienus a local faun.  “That’s not a metaphor, there’s still a clump dangling off one of the mill’s sails.”

The Drone attacks were ordered after the Pentagon received what they thought to be a credible tip regarding the whereabouts of the White Witch.  President Obama called the incident “deeply regrettable” and extended his sincerest apology to Prince Caspian.  Obama hopes the White Witch will be apprehended soon and that U.S. and Narnian relations can return toward “an agenda based on mythical goals and mythical respect.”

“But until then,” Obama warned, “I’m dropping more bombs on that evil bitch’s ass.”
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Plight of the Phoenix: How I Stopped Worrying About On-Coming Traffic and Learned to Love the Valley

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The Crank

Here are some of the dos and don’ts when driving around the Phoenix area:

1. First, learn to pronounce the city name properly; it’s FEE-NICKS. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced (Core-ss).

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

4. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot (first offense). Thankfully, recidivism is low.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. EVER.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around in the dead of night purely for entertainment purposes.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on people who mistakenly honked.

9. If someone actually has his/her turn signal on, wave him or her to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.’

10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, refer to rule #6 on honking.
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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel “Not Godzilla Related”

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Collapse of Tokyo Tunnel "Not Godzilla Related"

Tokyo, JP—Five people are believed dead at this hour and more are missing after a section of the Sasago tunnel near Tokyo collapsed Sunday. The cause of the collapse remains unknown at this time. Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, has ruled out Godzilla as the culprit. Her relentless Google search revealed only two ships that collided recently in the region. No other ships have gone missing in and around the Sea of Japan.

McGrath explained, “We all know Godzilla follows a set formula. He typically torches a pretty big ship out at sea, then he is spotted near shore, and then Tokyo goes all Elton John in West Hollywood.”

Japan’s national government disaster management team is at a loss. The agency’s head, Yoshihiko Noda, told the Discord. “We are still recovering from Fukushima as well as Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. Whereas this does not bear the telltale signs of Godzilla, we have not ruled out the activity of other large monsters. Megaguirus was seen in the city less than a decade ago, and Mothra and Rodan have been known to nest deep within mountains.”

When asked if they are prepared for Godzilla or some other such monster, Noda said, “We have a set plan for Godzilla, which involves sending soldiers, then tanks, then airplanes, then those cool radar dish electric-zapper things, and then, when that all fails, we wait until another monster shows up to fight Godzilla.”

When asked if the other monster’s arrival generally helps, Noda said, “Sometimes, yes, other times not so much.”
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