Best Of

Best of

Virtual Gunmen Storm Online University

by Mick Zano • December 14, 2015

Virtual Space—Earlier today at SyntheTech University four computers were hacked to death and ten comment-sections were interrupted. A virtual assailant systematically stormed from room-to-virtual room unleashing malware and hate-thread speech. This incident, that many are calling an act of anti-liberalism, caused Syntax and Registry errors from C# to C++. The barrage of politically incorrect language left hundreds of coddled liberal students, virtually T-mobile. The attacker also wielded a 3D-printed Adobe firearm that blew pixilated holes into several forums, syllabi, and homework portals. Incidentally, the homework portal-part of this event was the only aspect of this tragedy The Daily Discord received no complaints. Many are left questioning, are our online universities safe for our young people, or will instances of Post Traumatic Software Disorder increase?

Republicans were quick to comment, “The only answer for a bad guy with a 3D printed Adobe firearm is a good guy with a 3D-printed Adobe firearm.”

by Bald Tony • December 2, 2015

Las Vegas, NV—I knew being Zano-free couldn’t last forever, but I did enjoy my peaceful six month stretch. When the inevitable phone call came, he wanted to know the location of our next Vegas-style ghost investigation. For some reason Zano feels it’s my responsibility to arrange these “important” endeavors. As if living in Las Vegas for the last 19 years and being a cab driver somehow makes me some kind of Las Vegas authority. Hmmm, maybe he has a point. I’d wanted to visit Spring Mountain Ranch State Park for some time and, bingo! There be ghosts in them there hills!

Of course, we are now banned from them there hills…

by Pierce Winslow • November 4, 2015

“I never owned Ronco, but if I did the C.E.O.’s brains would be in that jar.”

—Donald Trump

by Mick Zano • July 29, 2015

Hollywood, CA—The premise of the Naked and Verklempt series strands two naked Hasidic Jews on a deserted island each week to test their survival prowess. Sadly, a Discovery Channel spokesman announced today that both contestants from episode one had died within 48-hours. The producer of the show, Matt Narrows, said, “We’re really sorry about the deaths, but really happy they signed those waivers. We are not looking at this as a failure, because it was a damn entertaining 48-hours for all involved…uh, the deceased and their families excluded.”

by Mr. Sherman • April 20, 2015

by Mr. Sherman • December 29, 2014

by Mick Zano • May 25, 2014

Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape. These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’ Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM). Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco. Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity? A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind. The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

“Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies,” said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. “It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space,” corrected Hogbein. “This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts.”

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

“Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens,” said Hogbein. “He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties.”

by Mick Zano • May 13, 2014

Timber Wolf Mistakenly Reintroduced Into Mall Of America

Bloomington, MN—In a failed attempt to repopulate an endangered member of the canis lupus species, environmental ecologist Ian Green is “deeply sorry” for the death toll and related injuries. Those responsible are calling this incident an “unfortunate oversight”. After the release of 17-timber wolves into the largest mall in the United States the mayhem that ensued can only be described as chaos, as Thesaurus.com just crashed.

“The food court is a train wreck, but the YouTube video of one of the wolves trying to scale the escalator is worth all the carnage,” said one YouWitness.

“The ‘during business hours’ part turned out to be a real issue,” said one guard, “You see, we don’t even carry Tasers. We are issued Taser holsters, of course, which acts as a deterrent in certain situations. But this seemed to have no effect on the pack as they devoured our patrons.”

The head of mall security added, “The majority of our personnel have attended Taser school, but only a handful received diplomas, or completed the required coursework, or passed our drug screen. Many feel an online Taser school degree has yet to really generate the kind of Taser competency we expect here at the Mall of America, yet my men responded well, especially the dead ones.”

by Mick Zano • May 11, 2014

Bigfoot Subpoenaed to Testify on Benghazi

Many are also questioning Issa’s decision to order the New Jersey Devil to report to a hearing on the 14th.

“This is hypocrisy,” said White House spokesman, Jay Carney. “This is the same guy who refused to subpoena the New Jersey Devil to answer questions about Chris Christie’s Bridge-gate scandal, which would have made at least some sense. And to bother the NJ Devil when it has consistently honored the Pine Barren Peace Treaty of 1988 is the definition of insanity. What next? Are we going to schlep the Loch Ness Monster out of Scotland to field questions about Fast & Furious?”

Issa denies rumors he plans to track down Mothman to testify as well.

“That’s ridiculous. There hasn’t been any recent Mothman sightings in Libya,” said Issa. “Besides, I’ve been sending these subpoena notifications via Tweet, and this Mothman, if that is its real name, hasn’t even bothered to upload an image on its Twitter account. But I am not, at this time, prepared to rule out the Chupacabra, who not only tweets regularly but is likely sucking the blood from goats in this country illegally.”

*Submitted by Mick Zano 5/8/2014

by Mick Zano • February 12, 2014

Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4^th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, “Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer.”

Mr. Burns told reporters, “With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds.”

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, “It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have.”