Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Halloween is coming up and what do you think is the most likely costume to get me laid? Just curious.

Terri

Dear Just Curious,

If you are a female, I would go with a Wonder Woman costume. But, if you decide to go with this theme, don’t try to make-it in your invisible airplane; this is the age of cell phone cameras. If you are a male I would go with a Ghetto Shaman mask. These are available wherever fine Ghetto Shaman masks are sold. If you are a male that likes to hang out at certain clubs, I would go with the Wonder Woman costume. Again, watch the Boeing buggery.

Sin-beerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I saw you got ejected from Kimball’s bar again last week.  Nice.

Detritus

Williamsport, PA

Dear Detritus,

What you call an ejection, I call a spiritual retreat.  You are supposed to ask a question, thus the name of my column, so I will take this opportunity to ask you a question:

Why are you so focused on the actions of others, my friend?  Or were you the one I set on fire during my Bacchanalian Medical Marijuana seminar?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I was in a public restroom stall the other day and the guy next to me was humming that song, the one that goes, “I hear the secrets that you keep when you’re talking in your sleep.” I found the whole thing deeply disturbing. Do you think I need therapy or something?

The Mad Hoopster

Dear MH,

…or something. Who am I Dr. fucking Phil? Look, you should never take a dump in a public restroom; that’s why God gave us the alley.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am researching out-of-body experiences and came across something called the Akashic Record.  What exactly is the Akashic Record? 

Sierra Swanson

Framingham, MA

Dear Sierra,

I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s available in compact disc by now.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your work is sad, pathetic, lousy, moronic, and juvenile and, wait, let me hit thesaurasus.com …deplorable, distressing, crappy, and devitalizing.    And The Tao of Skull Fucking is the saddest excuse for literature since your last book Bud-Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties (but at least that one had some soft porn in it).

Tooksy

Kearny, NJ

Dear Tooksy,

What do you have against the 3 Hs?  OK, OK, you’re right.  I will try to make amends in my next work: The Art of Spiritual Coercion.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  …or not.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I consider myself spiritual, but not particularly religious.  As a gay man I am troubled with some recent so-called Christian thought.   Have you heard about gay conversion?  I think it’s bullshit.  People who convert are either repressing shit or were bisexual in the first place.  How would a shaman address issues for the LGBTQ community?

Rick

Dear Rick,

Social taboos are of little interest to the shaman, which may help explain my police record.  Following one’s true self, whether L or G or B or T or…sorry, I’m lost.   But, if we follow our true self, we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency than those who repress and judge.  So eventually it won’t matter to you what the bigots of the world think.   On a related note, the sages of old remind us, “We become who we worship.”  Yet despite hormone therapy and near constant prayer, I still look nothing like Jessica Alba. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

My master told me a great quote once, “One can acquire everything in solitude.”

But I have houseguests that won’t leave.  It’s been weeks, dude!  I want to remain Buddha like, but I need them gone.  I want that solitude back.

JJ

Dear JJ,

You are steeped in great wisdom, my friend.  To augment the work you have already done, please purchase my book: If You See Your Ego on the Side of the Road, Stroke it.

As for your houseguests, tell them, “Life is a journey.  And you can start one, right now, by getting the fuck out of my house, bitches!”

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Have you ever read the book Living Beyond Fear?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Yes, it scared the shit out of me.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How is making issues of spirituality murkier and cloudier helping anyone?  You bring darkness to enlightenment.

Genpo T

Dear Genpo,

You need to do two things to move into the light of cosmic understanding, my friend.  First, contemplate the sound of one cheek farting.  Do this for a year and then read one of my first works: Demystifying Mysticism through Mumbo Jumbo.  If that doesn’t clear things up, I don’t know what will.

The Ghetto Shaman