Greetings!

Sorry, loyal fans. I was not in jail last week, as Mr. Winslow keeps insinuating, actually I’ve been very industrious lately. I am starting a chain of fast food restaurants called Just Potato Salad! I’m thinking of renaming it Just Potato Salad, Bitches, but I kind of lose some oomph without that exclamation point. Does anyone have an opinion? So far business is slow. Should I consider adding another type of potato salad to my menu? Maybe one with mustard and mayo? I don’t want to get too crazy off the get-go; there’s a lot of overhead associated with a business that involves buckets filled with potatoes and mayonnaise…more than you probably realize.

Somewhat respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Spudman

P.S. Stands for Potato Salad! …Bitches!

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why doesn’t God want me to have a threesome?

Palfrey

Dear Palfey,

You need to be able to count that high first, dip shit. Oh, and two farms animals don’t count.

The Ghetto Threesome

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Tell Dave Atsals I’m single, but is he single?

Cokie McGrath

Discord Field Reporter

Dear Cokie,

What is this Shaman Harmony or something? Get a virtual room you two. And he’s a coworker, Cokie! It’s unthinkable! Besides, Dave is having a torrid affair with our CEO, Pierce Winslow. He makes him do things on the casting couch…it’s really terrible.  I am soooo burning that video he sent me….OMG am I.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Living in Gratitude, Mother Fuckers and…that’s all.

Bob

Dear Bob,

I know, I know, sometimes words can’t describe the ineffable beauty of my writing…mother fucker.

Respectfully submitted,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This seems to be a common theme with what I’ve read of your column, but sex drugs and rock & roll are at odds with most teachings of spirituality. What am I missing?

Zitz

Dear Zitz,

A lot of fun, apparently. We have DMT and cannabinoid receptors in our brains. Drugs are an integral part of our heritage, but my boss and my P.O. aren’t buying it. Check out David Lewis-Williams’ work on cave art. He has all but proven that rock art throughout the world has recurrent entoptic/shamanic patterns. When man ingested the first ‘shrooms and gnawed on the first psychedelic roots we finally climbed out of the trees and claimed our birthright—which has widely been regarded as a bad move (D. Adams).

Lewis-Williams’ is one of many scholars who believe the use of hallucinogens actually stepped up our evolution. You can learn more about binge drinking and enlightenment in my latest work Ancestral Party Animal: Voices from the First Kegger.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And at my house hallucinogens have also been successfully used to treat boredom.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think you get it. I don’t think you have any clue how our elders passed down the knowledge, myth, and the very essence of each and every important culture throughout Mother Earth’s dynamic history.  You have missed some important lessons, Shaman.  

Shonto

Dear Shonto,

Nonsense, I have simply given new meaning to the words ‘long oral tradition.’ 

The Ghetto Cialis

P.S. And is that a totem in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The other day this owl swooped right in front of me and my girlfriend.  Not at night in broad daylight!  Have you heard of animocracy, or something, telling the future through animal behavior?  Is this a good omen or a bad omen and would you care to comment on omens in general?

Jackson Hole

Dear Jackson Hole,

I am very familiar with animocracy, and I sincerely hope, especially considering the current economic crisis, that animals start to legislate soon.  As for your question about omens: Omen 1: with Gregory Peck was a very good omen.  Omen II: is a pretty good Omen as well.  That scene when the kid drowns under the ice is really creepy.  Omen III: is a very bad Omen.  I don’t think I made it through the whole thing.  Omen IV: remains shrouded in mystery, but I have moved it into my Netflix cue and will let you know soon.  But I don’t remember there being any owls in those. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you hear?  Archeologists have discovered ancient sperm in the eye sockets of some Brazilian crystal skulls.  Is this further proof of your Tao of Skull Fucking? Or are the natives just gnawing on too many roots?

Okie4

Dear Okie4,

A rare person who understands my work!   You speak of the Legend of Crystal Skull Humpers.   I think my next book Indiana Jonesing and the Temple of Spooge will vindicate my theory, or put me back in jail. I’m sure it’s one of the two. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What exactly is going to happen in 2012?

Mike Dresden

Smithtown, NY

Dear Mike,

I will no longer be on parole in the State of Pennsylvania. 

The Ghetto Shaman