Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I checked out a really fascinating website on Shamans the other day and saw something about Leveling Shamans.  There’s one thing I didn’t understand.  This site recommended Enhancement for most encounters, but only after level 40.  What does this mean?

Freddie 9

Dear Freddie,

Ahhh, I believe that’s a World of Warcraft reference. You mean to tell me, you perused the entire website and you didn’t figure this out?  The most beautiful story in the Universe is that of the Bodhisattva—an enlightened being, who could shift beyond this world at any time, but chooses instead to stay behind to help every person, every animal, and even every rock attain enlightenment.  I think you could make even a Bodhisattva say, fuck it.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Fuck it.  (See?)

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I love your work.  But what do you think that freaky Norway cloud spiral was last month?  I heard thousands of people witnessed this image in the night sky.  Is it some alien Fibonaccian message?  Does it tie in with Mayan Cosmogenesis?  What could create such a freakishly large display?  Do you have any idea?

Vie

Medford, OR

Dear Vie,

No…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think the signs from Revelations are here!  Obama may well be the Antichrist.

“And he shall speak great words against the most High, and shall wear out the saints of the most High, and think to change times and laws.”

From the book of Daniel (my emphasis on change).

Devin

Greeley, CO

Dear Devin,

Your emphasis on change, eh?  So God doesn’t use bold and italics?  Blessed is the Microsoft Toolbar. Look, I am the most High and typically the most Drunk and Obama never talks to me.  In fact, he has a restraining order against me!  Don’t you think the Antichrist would be able to get us the Olympics, and maybe some of those death panels?  What law has he managed to change?  You really think Obama’s the Antichrist?  Maybe one of Jerry’s Antichrists.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  My emphasis on really.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

During your last sweat lodge retreat Sex Sauna Sunday, you told the survivors that you never forget a face, because you have the memory of a hippopotamus.  Didn’t you mean the memory of an elephant?

Stephanie

Mechanicsburg, PA

Dear Stephanie,

Whatever… But anyway, glad you made it, kid.  You are a true warrior.  Now don’t forget my workshop next Thursday: Discover Your Gifts and Abilities at the Expense of Others.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and I am having a hard time staying in the ever present now.  My chattering mind and my battling ego seem to always be working against me.  Any suggestions on how to improve my meditation skills?

Tara

Eugene, OR

Dear Tara,

You should dump Tolle. I am a greater bridge to all non-dual states, or a Tolle bridge, if you will.  Try my own antithesis to his mindfulness banter: Anti-Zen Living in the Then: Harnessing the Power of Anxiety.  You too can worry your way to Nirvana with my 47 session CD Angst Kit (AK47).  Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. 

As seen on Jitter and Pacebook.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wondering about the significance of a personal vision quest as it relates to the greater shamanic tradition.

Ralph

Sioux City, IA

Dear Ralph,

I think Vision Quest is that eyeglass place where you can get your prescription lenses back within an hour.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You know nothing of Shamanism!  For I have faced the Mysterium Tremendum (the great unknown), swam in shamanic ecstasy, sang to my plant guides, and basked in the glory of the Great Spirit.

Swami Ananda

Brooklyn Heights, NY

Dear Swami,

Oh, yeah…well, I got shit faced on pot, ecstasy, and Delirium Tremens (the great Belgian-style ale), swam naked in the Susquehanna, and stewed in the top-shelf shit myself, Sherlock. 

I believe the chakra is now in your cave.

 The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a member of the Gender Inequality Project, and I read your book The Universe Loves You More than You Know: Especially If You Pass Out at One of My Parties and my group is considering legal actions to stop you and your ‘so called’ teachings.  I am also very curious as to the reason behind your popularity in the first place. 

Karla

Soho, NY

Dear Karla,

I don’t mind inequality, just as long as it’s done fairly. You should come to one of my parties, Karla.  In fact, bring over your whole lesbo crew!  Tell those bitches to drink up and pass out in my Kamaslutra video room.  Oh, and BYOB.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Authenticity Through Faking Orgasms, somewhere in Chapter four, entitled Inner Wisdom Inner Twat, it dawned on me, you have deep-seated, unresolved issues with women.  It is as if you are taking a big dump along the mystical path.

John

Framingham, MA

Dear John,

Shit Crappens…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Read my seventh book Liberation Through Defecation, particularly chapter three, The Fart of War.  Now contemplate the sound of one cheek farting. 

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Do you have any forecast for the near future? A lot of people feel some serious stuff is going to go down in the years to come, and I was wondering about your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks!

Jackie O

Hemet, CA

Dear Jackie,

Here’s my forecast:

2010	2011	2012
Sunny Skies	Partly Cloudy	50% Chance of Mayan Gods

The Ghetto Shaman