Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods, what did you mean by your quote, “in parts of the U.S. and Canada the Shaman was restored to the wild”???

P.S. I do not believe you can successfully use malt liquor products as a medium of spiritual transformation.

Fred

Willow Creek, CA

Dear Fred,

I was captured, tagged, and released in Pennsylvania state forest land, along with about twenty other Shamans in the spring of 2004.  It was just another eco-liberal attempt to restore the Shaman to parts of North America, while pissing off as many republicans as possible.  I chewed off my tag, so they can no longer track my migration. 

P.S.  I can transform with malt liquor products just fine! You should see me around last call at Carl’s Pub. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am wrestling with what to do about my mother’s failing health. She is getting up there in years but the idea of a nursing home scares her.  I’m just not ready for this, but I fear she might be.  Thoughts?

Sandy E.

Sierra Vista, AZ

Dear Sandy,

Good news! I would like to announce the grand opening of my new nursing home in northern Arizona, a land sacred to my bartenders.  My nature nursing home retreat can accommodate any number of elderly folk.  Heck, they stack like cord wood.  During the summer months, my program focuses on Sweat Lodging and, for the winter months, I have designed a series of meditations to increase body temperature despite the extreme cold. At my roadside culvert for the aged, I will always be available for your loved one (or at least at the bar across the street).  If suffering is the key to enlightenment, then this program is surely strife in the fast lane. 

No senior citizen discounts for obvious reasons.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i’m not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?

Donald8

Dear Donald,

What…? You didn’t see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn’t read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature.  A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.

Susan I.

Moab, UT

Dear Susan,

Oh, you’re no fun anymore.  You do have a point, though.  When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day.  Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI

Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ll take The Lord of the Rings over The Holy Bible any day.  I don’t think the Bible was ever meant to be taken literally.

Mary L.

Billings, Mt

P.S.  Oh, and in your book The Tao of Skull Fucking, who are the Contraceptacons?

Hail Mary,

I agree, the Bible should be taken with a pillar of salt.   You are very insightful.  Mankind can learn much from both Tolkien and The Bible.  For example, when you crucify a dwarf, they get a little cross. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  The Contraceptacons died out—most in horrific IUD explosions

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You tend to glorify alcohol consumption.  I think you are missing the bus here.  The Dalai Lama once said, “Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

Gail

Rolla, MO

Dear Gail,

Mwwaaaah?  Is it not Ozzy Osbourne who once said, “Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.” 

Check and mate…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you available for speaking engagements? I am hosting an all-female adult movie star convention in Las Vegas in a few weeks and was wondering if you may be available.

Thanks!

Laurel Canyon

Dear Laurel,

Is this a trick question?  Actually, I’m a busy man.  I certainly can’t go to every all-female porn convention that I’m invited to…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Send the details!  Can I bring Zano, Atsals, and Bald Tony?  They’re usually well behaved at such events.  That didn’t sound convincing, did it?

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is a psychoactive herb?

Tina

Phoenix, AZ

Dear Tina,

I think it’s the guy I get my shrooms from…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

Should Obama cave to China and not visit with the Dalai Lama?  After all, they are the Boss now, right?

Chuck G.

New York, NY

Dear Chuck,

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

The Dude is the Big Lebowski.

Osama lives in a cave, not Obama.

And only Nixon can go to China (and he’s dead; ain’t that a bitch?)

Hope this helps,

The Dalai Shaman