Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Oh Great Ghetto Shaman,

I have been told that when your ears ring, it means that someone is talking about you behind your back. What does it mean when you get that little bit of pre-puke that coughs up into your mouth sometimes?

Thanks,

Intrigued

Dear Intrigued,

It means my…*ahem*…*ack*…excuse me, is a little too big for your mouth.  Sorry, but this line comes from a long oral tradition.  Oh, and that can make your ears ring too (or so I’m told).

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Kidding, of course.  Pre-puke is the Harbinger of Hurl.  There is an old Olmec saying, “Allow the spew to drink more brew.”   A wise and noble race…

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,
How come you never mention meditation?  I am beginning to question your wisdom.

L.L.

Draper, UT

Dear L.L.,

Only beginning to question?  You should read my book Meditation Overdose: Driving Under the Zenfluence.  Here is an excerpt:

To meditate, grab your penis with your right hand if you are right handed, or your left hand if you are left handed, and then pull repeatedly. It helps to hone your visualization skills during this process.  I like to envision monkeys throwing feces at one another, which I am told is decidedly Freudian.  Some say that you’ll need glasses if you meditate too much, but don’t worry, this is a complete misboner.

The Shucking Bubba Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think your readers are becoming ever more skeptical of your teachings. What do you think?

Flav7

Chelsea, MI

Dear Flav7

You’re supposed to say “teachings” in quotes, like everybody else. Being a Shaman is not a popularity contest!  Thank goodness (Winslow tells me my numbers suck).  I have had profoundly mystical, life-changing experiences on a regular basis—or as the State of Pennsylvania calls them “charges.”

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask the Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your response to Mauled Forearms, you noted that enlightenment is not a finite endpoint. This intrigues me greatly, as I never fully realized this before your explanation. First, thank you! You truly do speak with great insight. Second, tell me more about this sliding scale of enlightenment. Please give me examples of people and where they fall along this sliding enlightenment scale. For instance: Ghandi, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Mother Teresa, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln, and Boy George.

Thank you so much!

16 cent

Dear 16 cent,

Wow, you’re going to make me work this week.  I got a 40 oz malt liquor product that isn’t getting any colder, bitch.  Ken Wilber’s multiple intelligences might help here, like cognitive, moral, emotional, spiritual, etc.  Some people can be high in some areas and low in others.  Mother Teresa was sadly mired in fundamental thought, which ultimately impacted her moral judgment. True story.  Even Ghandi had an ethnocentric streak in his skinny ass—although, he was admittedly high in most other areas (hash, baby!).  Look at our own CEO, Pierce (never-posted-my-fucking-bail) Winslow:  his cognitive and, maybe even, his interpersonal scores are very high, but morals? spirituality?  The guy’s on par with a Bond villain.   But Wilber is for beginners.  For a real advanced course in the evolution of consciousness, I’ve reposted the pic below for your enjoyment.

Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?
Proof of an Evolution of Consciousness?

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why are there such universal threshold guardians? People seem to encounter the same creatures in shamanic trances and under certain hallucinogens from Russia, to Mesoamerica, to the U.S. What do you make of jaguars and snakes guarding all the sacred realms and sacred places of the earth and beyond?

Jay M.

Kokomo, IN

Dear Jay,

Like the great mystic Shakespeare tells us, that which we call a bouncer by another name would still be an asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have recently left my Shaman, whom I have been discipling with for over ten years, because she could not adequately explain enlightenment. I am now looking for a new Raboni, and was hoping that you could help. My previous Shaman had a profound analogy for the path to enlightenment. She would say “Walking the path to enlightenment is like holding a mad, snarling, rabid wolf by the ears. You don’t like it, it is difficult, it is frightening, and it is uncomfortable, but you don’t dare let it go.” I asked what in this story is analogous to achieving enlightenment, the death of the wolf? Or are we forever trapped in this uncomfortable situation? She could not answer. Can you help me?

Mauled Forearms,

Onandaga, NY

Dear Mauled Forearms,

Wow, the path to enlightenment is very similar to dating me! What’s with you people and wolves lately, anyway? Sure, I’ll be your big Raboni, which I believe is a sausage risotto dish.  I think you’re missing out on the fun parts of enlightenment, like orgies.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Enlightenment isn’t some finite end point.  It’s not something you reach, pop open a beer, and bask in one long orgasmic satori.  Where would the fun be in that? Now, having found out the truth, isn’t my orgy sounding better?

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m sure you’re familiar with the Hopi tale of the two wolves. Well, judging from reading your “advice,” perhaps not. Here it is in a nutshell: An old Hopi Chief told his young grandson that all of us have two wolves inside of us, one good, and one bad. These two wolves are constantly locked in a fearsome fight to the death within us. Quizzically, the young Hopi looked up to his grandfather and asked ” Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old Hopi Chief paused, “The one that you feed…” I think you’re feeding the wrong wolf, bitch.

A True Shaman

Dear True Shaman (whose subtleties do not escape me)

Isn’t Wolf Bitcher on CNN?  Howling Wolf feeds my bluesy soul, dude.  An old Hopi Chief once said to me, “There’s no drinking on the Rez, bitch.  Go back into town for that shit.” 

A Truer Shaman

P.S. Oh, and at night I become a wolf…or at least on long weekends. 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think I understand what you’re doing. Many teachers choose a darker path in the hopes of shaking their initiates out of their complacency.  This point dawned on me amidst your work The  Tao of Skullfucking during chapter 8: The Sacred Plant Enables Man to Boink the Babeage.  It reminded me of a Ken Wilber quote “Let us, then, you and I, recognize together who and what we are. And I will be with you until the ends of the world, and you will be with me, for there is only one self, which is the miracle of spirit.”

Jill Y.

Ely, NV

Dear Jill,

Er, I’m not into long term relationships, Jill.  But, hey, keep buying my books!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Wilber said this of all beings in the Cosmos: “[they are] easily reminded of ground value, green emeralds each and all, perfect in their glory.”  As a being in the Cosmos, I’ll take that as a personal endorsement.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard an old Hopi saying, “We are the ones we have been waiting for.”  I thought that was really profound.

Mick Guernsey

Dear Mick,

I heard an old Hopi say, “The waiting is the hardest part,” and “Don’t come around here no more, bitch.”  Wait, that was Tom Petty.  Think he’s a Navajo.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Why do you call all of your fans, bitches?  It doesn’t sound like the best way to build a readership to me.

Tommy G.

Montauk, NY

Dear Tommy,

The word bitches is simply a term of endearment, asshole.

The Ghetto Shaman