Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you’re an f’ing scam. A friend of mine attended one of your “enlightenment” sessions at her university earlier this year, and she told me that you showed up drunk, did nothing but hit on her all night, and the puked all over her after pounding half the punch bowl at the after party. On top of that, she said you broke into the ladies room while she was trying to clean up and stole her bra. WTF dude? I thought you were someone I could trust.

Oh, and BTW, she’s thinking about pressing charges. Pig.

Thanks for nothing,

Roxanne

Dear Roxanne,

Sorry it took me five months to respond.  I didn’t want my readers to get the wrong idea.   You didn’t even say what university?  Besides, I usually only frequent high school bathrooms.  Otherwise, I admit it sounds like me.  A lot.  But, look, why is everyone so shocked about what happens at my Hide the Sacred Sausage Workshops in the first place?  Or, when my flyer for an event says, prepare to receive my Big 10inch Spiritual Transmission, there’s always these annoying lawsuits.  Really, people?  Next you’ll be condemning my Pop-a-Cherry Virgin Healing Retreats.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I’m wearing your friend’s bra, right now.

My Journey:

Success! On Oct 30^th, I prepared the Mad Dog 20/20 in the traditional Toltec manner of opening the top.  I then procured nutmeg from a local spice store.  Actually, someone scored it for me; I’ve been banned.  I ingested the mixture and exited this dimensional plane of existence, stage left.  I fought the Xemmoni, the Darcarre, and the Spin Monsters to reach the spiritual representation of America—in this case, Sam Kinison.  I lost most of his teachings, because of all the yelling, but I did make out: “YOU F***ING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my ****ing records back!”

You should all begin to feel different now, somehow lighter, more-centered, more-connected to the Earth and all of its inhabitants.  Now someone post my ****ing BAIL, BITCHES!  AHHhhHhh!  AHHhhhhh!

The Ghetto “Sam” man

At the eve of my big rally, I had a thoughtful post prepared.  Then I find Mick Zano trying to host a rally on the same day, same place, with parts of my same rally poster.  I typically don’t like to air dirty laundry like this, but Mick has become increasingly jealous of my popularity lately. He used to be the big gun, but now more fan mail is gradually coming to me.  It’s like over on Fox when Beck started passing O’Reilly.  I know it’s hard moving to a steamy pile of number two, bitch, but get used to it.  And that poster of yours is a cry for help. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and in an effort to continue answering my weekly question: yes, it sounds like an infection, JC.  But don’t pay top dollar at some walk-in clinic or ED, I have a contact for you.  He’s known to most as the Keeper of the Sacred Dime Bag.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I recently received a dream message, wholly unforeseen and unexpected, to return to the National Mall in Washington without delay.  This vision summons me to D.C. for the purpose of salvaging what’s left of our fair nation’s spirit.  On October 30^th, as I am free to leave the state now, I will partake in a complicated set of rituals for the purpose of soul retrieval.  This is typically done by a shaman for an individual or, in rare instances, for a tribe.  It has never, to my knowledge, been attempted on an entire country, especially one this fucked up. Make no mistake, the arduous journey I am about to embark upon is a dangerous one.  The stakes could not be higher.  I may become forever entangled in the darker realms of the Universe (like Newark) and, if I am unsuccessful, our beloved country may slide further into chaos (like, er…Newark).

If I am successful, my actions will push the world into the coveted Fifth Age of Man. Many of you thought this would not happen until 2012, but, as it turns out, the Mayans forgot to carry a one somewhere. 

Stay tuned for event details.

Your faithful and humble servant,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As not to break my 2-year streak of answering your fool questions: yes, Jillian, I am into that.  Call me.  

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Help! I turn on one show, like Glenn Beck, and Obama’s a plant and we’re all doomed. I turn on another channel and everything’s getting better. I turn on still another channel and someone’s eating bugs! I don’t understand the world anymore!

Mark

Seattle, WA

Dear Mark,

Nonsense, you have already identified the problem and the solution. Problem: when one side is in charge they will always say everything is peachy and, when they fall out of power, they will immediately revert to we are all doomed. You have also identified the solution, eat bugs. They are an excellent source of protein. Sadly, this is the only valid point Zano has ever made.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And as for Glenn Beck, don’t worry, he’ll be fired from Fox within the first week of the Romney Administration

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Were you raised a Catholic? Did you ever learn, as most of us did, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that God knocked down the walls of Jericho, that Jesus died for our sins and that he rose again on the third day?

Lucinda

Dear Lucinda,

Come out Lucinda, don’t hesitate, Cath-o-lic girls…well, catholic girls won’t let me masturbate.  Damn you, Christine O’Donnell!  What about Benjamin Wanklin and John Handcock?  Have you forgotten our forefather’s vision?  Why do you think they needed to invent glasses?  Sorry, but I just don’t want any Bible-thumping Teabagger telling me I can’t luffa the old spigot now and again.  As Ferguson tells us, “From my cold dead hand!”  As for your question, I don’t think the stories of the Bible should be taken literally.  They should be taken with a pillar of salt.

The Ghetto (‘scuse me while I whip this out) Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption?  The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us. 

Chuck

Milford, CT

Dear Chuck,

This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement.  Well, one of the reasons.  As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter!  Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed.  Really, I meant revealed.

The Ghetto Shaman