Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude? Malt liquor products? What up wit dat?

Jason M.

Henderson, NV

Dear Jason,

I do suffer from a serious alement, a strange affinity to shitty beer that shamans refer to as Fecal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Besides hallucinogens, what methods do you use to obtain an altered state of consciousness? I am really interested in expanding my abilities and hope to ultimately reach new levels of awareness, but I am very concerned, as a teacher, to experiment with illicit substances. 

Richard H.

Pasadena, CA

Dear Rudy,

That’s so sad.  How can you teach without feeding your head, dude?  Bottom line, steady rhythmic bongo drumming while under the influence of malt liquor products can guarantee an altered state of consciousness….or, in some cases, vomit-covered bongos.   Ask your doctor if drunken bongo playing is right for you. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Wake Up & End all Suffering.  And, uhh, there’s a pistol on the cover?  Talk about a mixed message.  You sicko! I don’t know what to say!

Ebb

Nashua, NH

Dear Ebb,

Sicko was actually by Michael Moore, a shaman in his own right.  And I believe the words you seek, but cannot utter, are “thank you”. Obviously, you speak for a loved one who found eternal peace from my work.  Otherwise you’re a pretty lousy shot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Did you know that, statistically, for every successful suicide attempt, there can be over a hundred failed attempts?  That number is too high, thus the inspiration for my book. 

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman in training and I was told one of the first things on my Shamanic to-do-list is to try to find my spirit guide to aid me in my quest and my journey. How do I go about finding my spirit guide?

Benny

Haddonfield, NJ

Dear Benny,

The Ghetto Shaman

Announcement:

My home brews are done, bitches!  My prized dopple bock, the Alternator, is ready to rock & roll, and I just tapped my Kundalini Kolsch (I left out the umlaut because I didn’t know how to spell it).  Also ready for imbibing is my Soul Retrieval Stout, Ecstasy Ale, Sorcerer’s Saison, and there’s still one more batch of my prized Peyote Porter.  Or, if you want something blessed by the goddess of the harvest, try my unfiltered hefe, Three Sheets to the Weiss.

I know I am calling this a beer tasting, but, truth be told, I drink a little too fast to “taste” anything, but whatever floats your brewski boat, bitches.  Taste if you want, chug if you want, but either way come down to my kick off home brew bash, Heaven and Helles, next Saturday under the Market Street Bridge. Dress warmly.  Oh, and if you can’t make the party, buy my book: Altered Stouts of Consciousness: A Home Brewer’s Guide to the Godhead

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is there any way to contact you other than this contact button? I have a question of a personal nature.  Oh, and do shamans celebrate Christmas?

Jamie D.

Gilbert, AZ

Dear Jamie,

Sure, I just set up a Shamanic Hot Line at 1-800-SafeAuto for just that purpose.  I originally tried 1-800-Shamanic (leave off the last C for Cave) but I’m still working on that one.  I am available 24/7 to answer all of your questions on the first line, and it will really be me, even though I may try to sell you car insurance.  We enlightened folk have to make a living as well, you know.

The Ghetto Shaman  

P.S.  Of course Shamans celebrate Christmas, Jamie.  In fact, it’s up to the Grinch’s lair tonight to pound some egg nog, smoke some mistletoe, and embark on another double-vision quest. Why do you think Moses talked to snakes in the desert? The lush.

This week I have a very important business proposal to share with you.  If you attend one of my workshops or buy just one of my famous books, you will be offered the opportunity to purchase some Bellagio casino chips for a fraction of their original value.  So, if you purchase such timeless classics as Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods or A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you can also “acquire” some extra gambling funds for your next trek to Vegas. This is a limited time offer—in fact, I need to dump this shit real quick.  So hit our contact button for more information.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. No Billy666, you should never try that with a melon.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your article Malt Liquor Mindfulness and, all I can say is, what the hell, dude?  Really?  There’s nothing logical or scientific or spiritual about your approach to enlightenment.   Not remotely.

Joey V.

Seattle, WA

Dear John,

Nonsense, I use the scientific method quite rigorously by applying geophysical and biomagnetic concepts to my binge drinking.  Have you ever heard of the Ainu people of Asia and their great Bear Festival? Well, instead of sacrificing a bear, I just transcended one letter to include the plant spirits of hops and barely.  More is explained in my latest masterpiece: Bud Lightenment: Hemp, Hops and Hotties.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I think you embrace all that’s wrong with the world today, Shaman.  You glorify the seedier side of life, filled with drugs and thugs, a place where crap is king.

Mindset

Dear Mindset,

All of life is spirit, not just the peaches and cream.  The warrior’s path leads beyond good and evil to happy hour.  Where you see a Wild Turkey, I see a Crown Royal, where you see a stripper, I see the Sacred Dance of the Pagan Pookas, and where you see the world going to pot…er, I like pot.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Oh, and where you see a bloated Shaman leaving a Mexican restaurant, I see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman column will not be posted tonight due to unforeseen circumstances involving copious amounts of Mentos, Pepsi, hookers, Alka-Seltzer, and Xtreme Sour Apple Pop Rocks.  The authorities are not sure if this was a publicity stunt or a suicide attempt.  

We, at the Discord, like to think he was trying to reach a higher plane of existence through stupidity—by pushing the boundaries of enlightened inappropriateness.  Or, perhaps even more likely, it was some type of ill-conceived bar bet gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

We will keep you posted if and when he regains consciousness.  Meanwhile, the Shaman asks that all of his fans rent Don’t Mess with the Zohan and Zoolander.  If enough people watch these movies at the same time, he believes it will create a tear in the Universe through which he can return to the living.  

Sincerely,

Pierce X. Winslow