This week we have a Public Service Announcement from the Ghetto Shaman:

Sometimes I am known to joke about things, but this is no joke.  If you ever come across an Airblade in the public restroom—you know, those supersonic things to dry your hands—never EVER try to stick your penis in there.   It might sound like a good idea at the time, but one must remember that the “BLOW” IN “BLOW JOB” IS AN EXPRESSION!  This evil machine hammers home that point, literally. 

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  For the record, a friend told me this…

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How come you only promote your own books?  Don’t you have any other selected readings for your fans?

Marcus

Renton, WA

Dear Marcus,

That could not be farther from the truth!  I often suggest my friend and colleague’s work, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Gift Shop.  For example, I highly recommend his latest work: Islamic Societies & Why They Suck.   He makes some very important and culturally insensitive points. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But if you’re only going to buy one book this year, make it my own Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I keep getting my ass kicked.  I’ve been using leatherworking for protective gear to try to move up some levels, but it’s not working out too well.  Any suggestions, so I can become an ass kicking Shaman like you?

Darby

Petaluma, CA

Dear Darby,

You want a World of Warcraft site you imbecile!!!!  I think the best way to get to level 80 quickly is to use a pre-written leveling guide.  Leatherworking and other trade skills take way too long.  Now take your leave from me before I use my powerful ‘flame shock’ on you, bitch!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Leatherworking…you have way too much virtual time on your hands, dude.

A note to Charlie:

You are not crazy, my friend. You are suffering from a spiritual crisis.  You’re right, you do not need lithium, you need medical marijuana.  You do not need a societal intervention, you need a spiritual one.  I can assist you with this.  Where many others only see a bottle of Tequila, we see a Guardian Spirit.  Where others only see fart jokes, we see the Dance of the Four Winds. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  But you do not need to start your journey with two Goddesses.  So if you send me one Goddess, I will raise you one Shaman King.

Regrettably, the Ghetto Shaman column will not be featured this week.  The Shaman is doing important community service work this week—work assigned by his parole officer.  Kidding.  Actually, he has flown to Japan to stop a nuclear reactor’s imminent meltdown.  Kidding. Actually, he has flown to California and is currently conducting a critical intervention on Charlie Sheen.  Kidding.  We don’t know where he is and that’s, frankly, not that unusual.

If you would like the Ghetto Shaman to answer your question, please feel free to hit the “Ask Your Question, Bitch” button below.   The Ghetto Shaman post will return next Friday…ish.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m just wondering, do shaman’s cry?

Kristina H.

Dear Kristina,

I’ve only cried twice in my adult life, and the most recent was at the end of Karate Kid III. I don’t know how this will help you.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. I am in no way endorsing the movie. It may have been the combination of the company and the ketamine. Now Karate Kid II, that was a movie!

Yo, yo!

You guize iz da bomb! I tried to pik up Ur chit at Tahriri dude an’ mist it. lemme juz say Ghetto Shaman iz rite down wit da Arab yut! Watch dem authoritarian regimes over next cuple weeks an see um skwirm, big man!

Taken’ it to da street man, howz dem fine Discord honies mon! Bring em on in Tehran, mon, we gonna get da middle east straight yo all don no what mon!

Lil’ chick’n ‘Strutn hiz stuf’

Arab Nation.org

Dear Lil’ chick’n,

What is an “Arab yut”?  I’m having a My Cousin Vinny flashback.

Sorry you missed my tour.  For being such a huge fan, I am sending you a signed copy of The Tao of Skull Fucking.

But what’s your question?  Even the one ‘sentence’ of yours that borders on a question “howz dem fine Discord honies mon!” doesn’t end in a question mark.  This piece is called Ask the Ghetto Shaman, dude. 

When you get my book, I want you to study Chapter 7: Exploring altered states of being and higher levels of consciousness with hookers.  There will be a test.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the difference between psychokinesis and telepathy?  And which, if any, have the shaman mastered?

Chad

San Fernando, CA

Dear Chad,

The spelling is totally different, for one.  Duh.  Shamans have mastered both, of course, which makes us psycho-pathic, as my rap sheet will attest.  To prove what I say, I want you to look at this card, drawn at random from an unfettered deck of 52.  Don’t tell me what it is.

Now I am going to concentrate on this card…(almost forgot my bongos).  OK…wait for it…

Is this your card?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What is the deal with the movie 127 Hours?  It felt like it took that long to end.  It could have been summed up as drank my own pee and gnawed off my own arm.  Besides, wouldn’t drinking your own pee only make you more dehydrated?

James

Irwin, PA

Dear James,

That is not what concerns me.  When one drinks his or her own pee a sacrifice to Yig is required to liberate the soul and ascend to the spirit world.  Perhaps even more disturbing, you should only gnaw of your own arm when you wake up draped over a female of the Coyote Ugly variety. 

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. As many enlightened beings are aware, when one has carnal encounters with someone truly hideous, reaching Double Coyote status, it is customary to gnaw off your second arm so that it never happens again.