Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one reach a deep and spiritually meaningful altered state of consciousness?

Tim the Enlightner

Dear Tim,

Try huffing paint thinner during one of the alternate universe episodes of the TV show Fringe.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Or…no, that’s the only way.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I need some help! I need to cleanse my life-funked chakras, Shaman man. Wax on, wax off.

Jasmine

Dear Jasmine,

I can recommend several techniques. All of my latest breakthrough procedures are covered in my latest book Misguided Meditations: The Art of Quantum Pimping.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Skip Chapter 7: Drumming Circle Jerk. Seriously, this is at the request of my lawyer.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t think skullfucking is in any way a contribution to the new age movement. What is your real claim to fame, oh inappropriate one?

Walter

Dear Walter,

I am the first medicine man to point out how peeing is the perfect time to meditate. Read my Zen and the Art of Urinating. It makes for perfect bathroom material.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I started my teen years smoking lots of pot, but then I heard methamphetamine can enhance your sexual prowess. But now after using meth for several years I can’t seem to get a date. Don’t chicks no how cool meth is?

Scabby and Toothless

Dear S & T,

Anything in excess can be counterproductive, young grass-smoker. Try mixing things up with some crack.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Oh, and chicks no how to spell know.

Dear Ghetto Man,

Why can’t we all live in a spiritual-based-society where everything is fair and people help each other?

David

Dear David,

Just because I’m a Shaman, it doesn’t mean I’m an idiot, you damn hippie. Look, most people don’t want to give up what they have, but if you do, I need a new a liver. Don’t worry, it can be a communal liver.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you think of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian spawning? Should they name the baby Taylor?

Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

Ha ha ha. What’s the opposite of LOL?  OLO? Actually, the baby is mine, because right before Kanye climaxed I jumped in and said, “I’m really happy for you, I’m a let you finish, but Beyonce said I am one of the best in the sack of all time!”

Sincerely,

The Ghetto “of all time!” Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’m Catholic so to ask a Shaman a question seems a bit counter intuitive, but I do believe that we are all energy and some New Age “hooey” resonates with me. Also, I don’t feel the Church is in alignment with the teachings of Christ.

Ned Flanders

Hi diddly ho neighborino!

Yes, we are energy and that is why Red Bull is the Nectar of the Gods. Oh, and if Jesus visited the Vatican today, he would Guy Fawkes that shit. Just sayin’.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

We have this life to overcome all of the attachments that you seem to advocate. Have you ever been to the rainforests of South America? Have you ever met a real Shaman?

Bardo

Dear Bardo,

Sorry, only one question per customer. I will answer your first question: no, I haven’t, but I have been to the Peruvian Amazon.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stressed out! Yoga not working! Help!

J

Dear J,

Have you purchased any of my relaxation CDs, like Harnessing the Power of Anxiety? Just the price tag alone will start you on your way to accessing the many higher-states of distress. As seen on Jitter and Pacebook. Or, why not try some life-affirming body shots down at your local pub?

You’ll be glad you did.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. It’s also the time of year to grab a Guinness. Have you ever seen a stressed out leprechaun?