I’m furious with the mainstream media, but probably not for the same reasons you are. How dare they let republicans rewrite history? How do you let these blatant falsehoods go unchallenged on your “news” shows? Even our debate moderators seem asleep at the switch. During the last undercard round, Carly Fiorina implied Obama “fired all the good generals, like David Petraeus.” Everyone who follows politics knows why General Petraeus left the military. Everyone. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Lewinski.
Features
Political features and current events
Mango Chipotle-gate? Bernie’s Beer Choice Brings Into Question His Entire Position Picking Prowess
by Mick Zano •
Screw Benghazi, this is the real scandal of our age. I haven’t written much about the Bernie Sanders’ phenomenon on this blog, but his imbibing a brew from one of my main hangouts demands a response. Historic Brewing, Bernie?! You’re on my turf now. There are reasons I would love to endorse the Bernster, but I also have some serious reservations. His questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival has only increased my concerns about his candidacy. Not the commandeering of the Downtown Dawg vendor truck—that was The Discord gang—the other questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival.
A Look At The Republican Brain: Why The GOP Is So Adept At Being Inept
by Mick Zano •
Cognitive distortions are prominent on both sides of today’s political aisles, but one side is accelerating in this area like a tachyon particle in a meth lab. This is today’s scheissgiest, as I like to call it. From a psychiatric standpoint, Republicans represent the full diagnostic spectrum. I’d suggest they drop their elephant symbol for the rainbow were it not already taken. GOP Pride? Yeah, they shouldn’t have any of that. The last of their pride should have already trickled-down Reagan’s economy. Trump’s popularity exposes more of the sickness on the right, but dare we hope he represents the final gacking up of that more stubborn mucus…you know, like at the end of some bad cold? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my first analogy.
Dog Whistle Politics
by Dr. Kwela Juluka •
Dog-whistle politics is a term that describes statements made by political candidates and people in elected positions phrased in ways intended to galvanize support from like-mined voters. At the same time such political revenuers try to avoid repulsing voters who are on the fence. “Family values” might be an example of a dog-whistle. Lately a less subtle form of political speech has entered the arena. It reminds me of a historic National Lampoon magazine cover from the 1970s showing a frightened dog with a gun pointed to its head. Of course, that was satire, but today’s GOP’s message is often as overt and offensive. For other examples of dog-whistle politics see anything on The Daily Discord.
Herr Trump: The Democratic Anti-Candidate
by Pierce Winslow •
Philadelphia, PA—When I post stuff I usually just make fun of stupid people, like Zano. But here’s a unique opportunity to get all political and make fun of stupid people in one post. In case you‘ve been living on Mars, Donald Trump is leading the GOP polls by a near-record margin. The man is obviously pandering. I’m talking about Trump, not Zano…this time. He will say anything and everything just to appeal to “real Americans”. What kills me is that so many people actually believe him. Notice how he always speaks in generalities? “Oh, you don’t want to know what I would do to the terrorists.” Really? I think I do. That’s why I asked the question. Come on Don, what are ya gonna do? Are you going to shift to the middle?
Obama’s Reluctance To Get Troops Killed For No Reason “Intolerable”
by Mick Zano •
The cries for Obama to resign for his foreign policy impotence grows deafening. At last week’s G-20 Summit, the Prez expressed his overarching strategy to combat terrorism, albeit unenthusiastically. I share his Low-T response. But why the militaristic sad face? …well, Reagan’s efforts to quell the Soviet Union helped create al-Qaeda and Bush’s efforts in Iraq helped create ISIS. Oh, and no one living in the Middle East really understands the borders we created for them and, worse still, republicans don’t either. Despite these facts, Fox and friends are chomping at the bit to create the next more powerful incarnation of evil. They also insist we accomplish this dubious goal with our own bombs, our own lives and our own treasure. Winning! Sorry, but Democrats will never frame this conflict as a holy war, not because they can’t grasp current events, they simply refuse to be tools for ISIS. Speaking of tools…
“If we don’t get more vets injured in battle, the lines at Walter Reed are risk of becoming reasonable. Not on my watch!”
—Senator John Q. Republican
Debate Shifts Toward Policy: Turns Out Republicans Don’t Have Any
by Mick Zano •
Vegas interrupted my debate viewing pleasure a tad, but I got the gist of it. Small government (flashing lights and sounds), lower taxes (cocktail waitress), gut regulations (yellling from the craps table). I can’t stand these debates anymore. Leave me alone, Mr. Winslow! I’m in Vegas researching an important Guinness feature. I like Guinness, much more than I like conservatives. The republican debates were fun for a while but now it’s time to focus on other things, you know…like these gentlemen escorting me out of the casino.
Apology XCV: Why Zano’s Botched Trump-Tweet Coverage Is Grounds For Dismissal
by Pierce Winslow •
Some have taken note of a pause in my periodic Apology column. I can assure you this so-called “pause” amounts only to a period of time wherein I could not bring myself to my job. It takes almost a superhuman editorial strength to acknowledge some of the rampant journalistic abuses all to common in this rag of a website. Zano is both the Head Comedy Writer as well as the Chief Editor, but his tendancy to post articles around last-call is becoming concering to say the least. His recent coverage of the first Democratic debate is the last straw. The incident is even worse than previously indicated as I will attempt to explain (operative word: attempt).
Moguls Unite Form Of Rubio
by Mick Zano •
If only republicans could harness Rubio’s palpableness, or, in this case, his Palaptineness. I like to start off by not making sense, but let me explain how our democracy works today. Sorry that I used the words democracy and works and today in the same sentence. Boy, I’m off to a worse start than the Mets. Republicans can’t identify their best and brightest, which is shocking when one considers how few exist. Celestially speaking, if republicans were a heavenly body they would be a black hole. They’re a large light-bending mass capable of sucking the air out of any room, and then the room, and then the planet the room is situated on. Theory of Irrelativity?
Hearings Help Hillary? Bend Over Benghazi
by Mick Zano •
We’ve perseverated on this Libyan tragedy for so long that today, I would like to shift gears and celebrate Benghazi. Not the dead people part, but the ramifications. Your dogged fixation on this unfortunate event has created some wonderful fodder over the years and, like it or not, it’s only acted to solidify Madame President’s chances. This has always been a bitch hunt, but one you were destined to lose. Hillary’s a little more Mentalist to your mental. The GOP is so lost in their own delusions, I knew they would mess this up. Hillary has not only “lost more sleep” on this issue than the lot of you, she’s smarter than the lot of you. She’s a Sherlock to your Inspector Clouseau. The Pink Pantsuit? Now, thanks to this latest farce, Hillary is on a roll and I’m afraid The GOP is pretty much toast.