So Stalin’s plans for Russia are finally coming to fruition? The place John McCain just left saying is a gas station masquerading as a country? That Russia? The not playing with a full set of Olympic rings Russia? Wow, Pokey, that’s more of a stretch than my latest ghost/ectopilsner theory.

By the way, this is a rebuttal of two recent Pokey McDooris submissions, here and here.

So Putin is playing “chess” in Crimea? Really? I want to drive to PA, right now, and throw your AM radio out of your hut…well, after a big hug. Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.

I meant to give your articles more attention, but I went to Vegas instead. So I guess I glossed over shit, which is a Vegas Related Condition (VRC):

Take two:

On another note, you are right to point out my increasingly condescending posts, but— [Condescending remark removed by the editor.]

Back in the day, you helped me keep such rantgressions in check….until you ran off with another blogger! Website wrecker! Sorry.

In your absence our politics have devolved further, but my main point remains: no matter what events transpire in this 24/7 news-cycle world, everyone is now capable of immediately twisting these events into their own warped worldview. You seem equally as susceptible. The filters we all had are engrained in our psyches. I maintain the GOP’s filters are the thickest and the sickest. I fear they will ultimately be our undoing. And I have been backing up these claims each week with cute little graphs involving bats and poop.

Another McDooris Submission! Quickly, to the Batshit Signal! See how fun that is?

The things that keep me up at night are listed in a feature here. You do not share my concerns because we now live entirely in alternate political realities. Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan and Lord Voldormort are all strangely absent from my list of potential future crises. This week evidence has surfaced suggesting our ocean currents are slowing. This is one of those tipping points I’ve been on the lookout for. The aftermath, should our ocean currents stop completely, will be profound. As I have said before, on that fateful day, when the shit hits the Fox, you will still be allowed to rant, shoot, and worship unfettered—all from a bar if you move back to AZ. But before the internet crashes for that last time, I plan to try to desperately send you an image of a bat and some poop.

And as for your other ramblings involving a hijacked plane filled with nukes, I believe your theory has been located, scattered across a remote part of the Indian Ocean.

Ah, how I’ve missed Mick Zano’s overreaching, unfocused, condescending, and logical-less debates. From marijuana legalization to global warming to George Bush tyranny to GOP numbskulls, Zano pulled no punches to “dismantle my arguments.” Now, what were my arguments again? Since I never mentioned marijuana or global warming or George Bush or the GOP, let’s hope he posted his last article from Colorado, otherwise I’m afraid you’re going to have to pee into this cup.

From my last post, I expressed four main claims: 1) I have a God-given constitutional right to take responsibility for my own personal healthcare without being forced by law to purchase private or government insurance. 2) It is unconstitutional to force a person or business to directly violate their conscience. (ie. provide birth control to employers and to bake wedding cakes for gay marriages) 3) The executive branch of our federal government continues to exceed its constitutional limits, as the federal government grows in power and scope our individual liberties shrink. 4) The Pope does not support the ordination of gay, polygamous, transvestite, shit goblin priests.

Let’s take a finer look at point number 1: my right to refuse health care. For the last 18 years of my life I have chosen not to purchase health care, not because my employer didn’t offer it (he/she/it did), not because I couldn’t afford it (I could). In my opinion, health insurance actually makes people sick. I know that this sounds strange–but if you really think about it, to purchase health insurance is to gamble money on the prediction that in the future you will get sick. If you don’t need a doctor, or medicine, or hospital treatment, you lose the bet and lose the money. So people subconsciously make themselves sick, so that they can win the bet–hurrah, I’ve got another appointment with the doctor who always pays special attention to me; hurrah, I’m prescribed another pill that makes me feel so good; yeah, I’ve got another brain tumor that makes me forget all of my responsibilities.

Conversely, I’ve bet my whole life on my health and vitality, and coincidently as an adult, I’ve never been to a doctor (except for a pre-employment physical), I’ve never taken prescription medicine (except that given to me be the Ghetto Shaman), and I’ve never used a sick d–Ah …UHHH…Oh… MunamamunamaMuata……..pardon me, just had a bit of a stroke; happens all the time. I’ll be okay, I can type one-handed. Now where was I; oh yeah, and I’ve never even been to the Emergency room (except when I’ve been taken against my will–after a Ghetto Shaman retreat).

And what’s Zano’s refutation? “I don’t care.” Oh, well that settles it. Mick doesn’t care that starting this month, my God-given rights will be violated by the federal government that he has endorsed. This doesn’t bother Zano, because it’s a “small cost.” Zano, this is not an issue of quantity; it’s an issue of principle. If you want healthcare, then get it; but when you coerce me, or force me, or penalize me, then you have stepped over the threshold of ‘liberty and into a wasteland of totalitarianism that forces everybody to be a part of it–”one of us, one of us, one of us.” If you want to charge me for optional ER visits, I’ve got no argument, but you have no right to force me to submit to the modern healthcare ‘paradigm.’

Let’s take a look at number 2–it is unconstitutional to force a person or business to directly violate their conscience. And Zano’s refutation–a quote from the President of Family Planning saying “Religious groups have been exempt from the birth control benefit all along, and they still are. This is a case about paperwork, not religious liberty.” Oh, well that settles it. But what about Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Company? Both companies assert their desire to operate in the business arena while maintaining their biblical principles. Under the Affordable Care Act (the Bill formally known as Obama Care) financial penalties of up to $100 per day, per employee can be levied on firms that refuse to provide comprehensive health coverage. Under the changes to ACA churches and houses of worship are exempt from the contraceptive mandate, but private run corporations are not. Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood Company are currently spending big money to defend their right ‘not’ to provide the day-after-pill to its employees.

The question is, will the Supreme Court say that Americans have religious freedom to live and do business according to their faith? And how about the Colorado cake makers who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay marriage? The judge ordered the cake makers to “cease and desist from discriminating” against gay couples. It’s unconstitutional to force someone to directly participate in an activity that violates their conscience. So if Mick Zano and Dave Atsals decide to get married, they have no right to coerce me into baking them a double-groomed wedding cake. They have no right to force me to provide them with condoms; I won’t do it. And don’t even think about having me knit those cat woman pajamas for the wedding night–I don’t care what it costs me, won’t do it, man! I will admit they’re cute, though.

That brings me to point 3–as the federal government grows in power and scope, our individual liberties shrink. The 1st step in ‘de-moralizing’ a people is to coerce, threaten, or force them to violate their conscience. That’s what totalitarianism does; it forces people to compromise their conscience. Oh sure, Mick Zano acknowledges that this administration needs to be ‘reeled in,’ but what has he done about it. Every person or organization that opposes the Obama administration’s mad grab for power, Zano has demonized, ridiculed, and flippantly dismissed. The seeds of totalitarianism always begin with small principled infringements upon individual liberties; but once a conscience has been compromised, it becomes increasingly malleable to totalitarian manipulation, until, like Zano, they “don’t care” that people are being forced to violate their conscience, they “don’t care” that their government job requires them to gather information on their fellow citizens, they “don’t care” that they’re now taking people off to a secret prison; they “don’t care” that they’re now sharpening guillotines; they “don’t care” that they’re required to file paperwork at concentration camps.

This brings me to point 4–If Zano and Atsals want a gay, polygamous, transexual, shit goblin priest at their wedding, then don’t think about forcing the Catholic Church to oversee it. For goodness sake, man, go the Episcopalians. But I’m almost done with those cat pajamas.

Remember when President Obama chose to appease Vladimir Putin by not building a missile defense system in Eastern Europe? Remember the lead up to 2008 Presidential election when Barack Obama went to a bowling alley in Pennsylvania to prove that he could relate to Joe 6-pack…and he bowled a 77?

Remember when Mick Zano hadn’t drank all the liberal Kool-Aid? Oh, and remember when President Obama was caught on tape whispering to Medvedev: “Tell Vladimir that after the election I’ll have some more flexibility”—presumably to make compromises on the U.S. security. Remember when Mitt Romney in the debates expressed great concern over the threat of Russia, and labeled Vladimir Putin as our “greatest foe” and Mr. Obama so condescendingly responded, “The cold war’s been over for 20 years. Now hand me my bowling shoes.”

The fact of the matter is that the cold war never ended. Soviet-style communism didn’t die, it went underground and seeped into the U.S. educational institutions, the entertainment industry, into our political system, into social services, and it’s penetrated the American psyche. As we can clearly see in Mick Zano’s recent attempt to annex The Onion.

Joseph Stalin knew that the Communist Soviet Union could never defeat a moral America head on, and so he devised a long term plan to de-moralize us. In the 1930s Stalin wrote extensively about his goal of actively infiltrating all facets of American Society. In particular, he sought to brainwash American children by encouraging them to rebel against social, familial, and religious authority. He encouraged promiscuity among our youth. The fiend even went so far as to invent the all night kegger and then slid the plans under Mick Zano and Dave Atsals’ dorm room door.

Stalin encouraged crude art, music, and pornography. From within our own nation, communist operatives worked to destroy our national pride, ridicule patriotism, weaken our national defense, and encourage disarmament and pacifism. Here are just a few of ‘Communism’s 45’ as recorded by Congressional Recall on January 10, 1963:

15. Capture one or both of the political parties in the U.S.

17. Get control of the schools.

20. Infiltrate the press.

21. Gain control of key positions in radio, TV, motion pictures.

22. Degrade all forms of American artistic expression. “Our plan is to promote ugliness, repulsive, meaningless art” (See The Daily Discord).

23. Eliminate all laws governing obscenity by calling them “censorship.”

25. Promote pornography and obscenity.

26. Present homosexuality, degeneracy, and promiscuity as “normal, natural, and healthy.”

27. Infiltrate the churches and replace revealed religion with “social” religion. Discredit the Bible and emphasize the need for intellectual maturity which does not need a religious crutch.

28. Eliminate prayer or any phase of religious expression in the schools on the ground that it violates the “separation of church and state.”

32. Support any movement that gives centralized control over any part of the culture.

40. Discredit the family as an institution. Encourage promiscuity and easy divorce.

That’s a masterful plan, huh? I’m sure glad that Stalin failed. Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb. I would suggest to you that Iran hijacked that bowing 777 and as the American media is distracting us by scanning the seas, Iran is planning to use that plane to create a worldwide catastrophe. I would suggest to you that Russia is working with China, the Arab nations, North Korea, and others to reject the U.S. Currency, triggering an economic collapse. You see, over the last five years Vladimir Putin has been playing chess, while President Obama has been bowling–very badly.

A reader thought my last CPAC Run article was “fact-light”. I know, I know…you’ve come to expect more from your spoof news journalists these days. So to set the record straight I created some fun Venn diagrams to help explain why the right has lost its battle with reality. The GOP leaves behind 45 senators, 233 congressman and dozens of certifiable AM radio hosts.

The Economy: Post the Great Recession

A healthy GOP could have forced the Obama administration’s hand and changed the ratio of austerity measures to tax hikes and maybe get that sweet spot between Obama’s plan and Simpson-Bowles. But their all-or-none thinking wouldn’t allow for that. Cuts = Good and Taxes = Bad, so the Ryan Plan was DOA.

“I’m stopping payments on all those wars we ordered.”

—John Q. Republican

Immigration Reform

Actually, the GOP’s position has “evolved” to:

“Umm, we won’t pass immigration reform because we don’t think Obama will enforce anything.”

—John Q Republican

Yeah, you know, Obama, that guy who hired more border agents than anyone in U.S. history and currently resides over the largest decrease in illegal crossings…yeah, that border softy. But I love your wall idea, I believe Pink Floyd covered your important views thoroughly.

Foreign Policy

Simply put, all-or-none/us-or-them thinking has NO place in the Oval Office. Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

“When was the last time you heard the designation ‘pro-Israel’ or ‘anti-Israel’ and found it a useful distinction that added to rather than subtracted from the discussion at hand? Ever?”

—Paul Waldman

Now extrapolate Waldman’s point to every country and every conflict on Earth and then CPAC Run. The people who tarnished our credibility, broke our economy, and lost two land wars think what about the Ukraine? Look who’s hawking?

Climate Change

I have another feature coming soon on this issue, suffice to say you’re wrong. The data is overwhelming at this point. And my funny take here on energy sustainability. You’re going to back the birthers over the warmers with the existence of the planet hanging in the balance? I will Trump your Donald with something called reason.

The 2nd Amendment

Admittedly, there are folks on the left who want to ban all guns, like that totally failed experiment in England (sarcasm alert). I am a supporter of our 2^nd Amendment right as are most Dems. But the idea of background checks is not a radical idea. The GOP, however, is afraid such a step is a slippery slope to common sense gun legislation. Look, I warned Obama not to touch this topic, here. Not because he’s wrong, but I knew he would get his ass handed to him.

Our Insurance Rates

If you think half the care for twice the cost is a good way to run a healthcare system, I have a traffic study to sell you in Jersey. Bridge tolled separately. I constantly deal with insurance companies in my day job and the only argument that Satan exists, lies there.

Defense Budget

This is another example of all-or-none thinking. Post the Great Recession my state cut the Medicaid behavioral health dollar by nearly a third. So if our smart fiscal conservatives can’t look at our mind-numbingly bloated defense budget and think cha-ching, you’re neither smart nor fiscally conservative.

The Size of Government

There is a Goldilocks zone for the size of government. It’s bigger than Grover Norquist’s vision and likely smaller than Hillary’s. It’s just right…of Warren.

Our Dying Planet

Uh, I’m being told to stop. I have more, but Mr. Winslow pulled the plug at 10. I can hear Pokey McDooris now saying, “Some of your portrayals of GOP positions are either not mine, or clearly exaggerated.” Bullshit. I don’t care about your positions, I care about the crackpots you’re electing. They’re zealots, not moderates. Moderate republicanisms died and I was one of the only ones covering the funeral. I placed a rose on the grave, read a poem called “When George Will made sense” and then wept a little. It was a closed casket affair, for obvious reasons. Sorry you missed it.