News & Politics

Declare War Not Bankruptcy

by Pete Christensen • May 4, 2014

Since America’s inception, bankers, businessmen, and other criminals have preyed upon the middle class as well as the uninformed, while lining their already bulging pockets. I don’t advise anyone to climb into the same sewer these scumbags inhabit—no, I’m not talking about Discord headquarters—but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be educated enough to fight back. Don’t declare bankruptcy before reading this post!

Bankruptcy was meant to be a way to keep communities together through forgiveness. In the Old Testament the practice of excusing all debt every eight years was known as “Jubilee”. The Daily Discord’s Jubilee is a very different beast and is thankfully not mentioned in the Old Testament.

Abraham Lincoln, Jack Nicklaus, David Crosby, The Baltimore Opera Company, Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra, Billy Joel, and Opera Singer Dorothy Dandridge have all declared bankruptcy. The rich have always used it as a means to keep their savings, rather than pay off their debts.

In today’s society there’s no reason to do so. The stigma stays with you for a full decade—

[Discord contributor stigma joke removed by the editor.]

Every time you apply for a job this question will be asked. And, it will keep you from getting any state or federal position where you might be compromised by debt. Going to a debt-consolidation company for protection is an even worse idea. This is regarded equal to a bankruptcy in status, but unlike chapter 13 you still have to pay the money back.

In most states if you can simply avoid your creditors for four full years, your debt is erased. That’s right, just don’t allow any creditors to get a judgment against you during that time period, and Kazakhstan is wonderful this time of year. Putin likes that country so he’s unlikely to invade anytime soon.

Once a judgment occurs, they can garnish your wages and you’ll never keep a job. Thus my need to become a freelance blogger. How’s that for a stimulus package?

Creditors can call you endlessly, mail you items, threaten you over the phone, and even call your neighbors and tell them about your debt. But, if you continually answer the phone “Who‘s calling?” and “Where are you calling from?”, it’s easy to identify the debt collectors and tell them you’re not home. It may be a lot of fun to screw with them but, remember, the poor rube on the other end of the line is just some schnook trying to make a living himself.

Besides, four years of avoiding debt in Kazakhstan will fly by, unless, of course, Putin gets antsy. Eventually you will begin to get letters offering to settle for less and less every year as the debt gets sold to different collectors. Each one will be losing money by chasing you. You’ll watch as THEY become more desperate instead of YOU. Eventually, the calls and letters will stop, and you will get that chance at a fresh start. As the Bible says it was meant to be. Well, at least that’s the way I interpret it. But I really would avoid those Discord Jubilees; there’s something wrong with those people.

by Mick Zano • April 30, 2014

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! …not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No…wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

I’m still predicting the Tea Party will be the GOP’s undoing. The hard right always likes to snatch victory from the jowls of DeMint…or something. Again, I’m breaking from the prognostic guru of our time, Nate Silver, which is never a good idea. But I refuse to believe the GOP will regain the senate. I like climbing out onto limbs, especially of the Jessica Alba variety…call me.

Some Dem or another recently pointed out how republican governors—those who denied Medicaid expansion for their states—are essentially responsible for an estimated 17,000 deaths. I work in the Medicaid world and, although this is a bit over the top, there’s some truth to that statement. I know, I know, math again. Through misinformation, conservatives may have already killed more folks than Obama death panels and planking accidents, combined.

All indications are the ACA is meeting its goals and that the majority of recent news for the program is very promising, here. More people are covered and rates are, for the first time in my adult lifetime, slowing…and I’m older than Dirk…you know, that guy from Battlestar Galactica.

Some larger insurers are jumping on board and, as previously mentioned, the vast majority of hospital administrators think it’s going to help the industry, here. So despite both republican opposition and those horrid rollout glitches, enrollment numbers are…well:

8.1 Million Signed up on ACA Exchanges, 1.1 Million Over Estimates

How will Obama explain this discrepancy to the American people?!

“It turns out that lots of people who don’t have health insurance would rather have health insurance. Who knew?”

—Jonathon Chait

So, which States Are Signing Up For Obamcare?

Obamacare Enrollment Red states vs Blue States

Unfortunately, this chart is older than Dirk. Did I do that joke already? Battlestar Repeatica? But this polarizing trend is only deepening, see: States Embracing Obamacare are doing better job of covering the uninsured, surveys show. And the only red state in the top ten of that chart is Kentucky, but only because they named the exchange site: WeHateObamacare.guv.

Well, who could have seen any red state lagging…oh, wait:

“If the ACA works well in some states and lousy in others, we can do our R and D checklist….well, some of us can. I believe it will work in some places, but not so much in others.”

“Unfortunately, I am predicting huge ongoing delays in certain square states, who simply refuse to take their socialized medicine.”

—Mick Zano 9/13 and 11/13, respectively.

This quote brought to you from 1313 MockingU Lane. What television show?! Look, the GOP said over and over again how the ACA “can’t possible work” and predicted it “would be the end of America!” There’s your first clue, kids. For all of their grand predictions…well, tell them what they’ve won, Vanna!

Since you tried to break something that’s now the law of the land and failed, you win the Senate!

Yes, the folks from the land of Neverever Right are gaining political ground. But I’m still not convinced it will topple the senate. And, if you can’t believe a spoof news blogger today, who can you believe? If this happy trend continues in Obamacare land my original prediction stands…that Sanjaya will win the 2006 American Idol crown! Okay, not that prediction. But I still believe Sanjaya!

As usual, Waldman gets it:

“The next time you see a Republican candidate saying that Obamacare is well on its way to implosion and will destroy America along the way, remember that regardless of the facts, he isn’t acting foolishly. He may be denying reality, he may be appealing to his constituents’ worst instincts, and he may be making them dumber along the way. But he’s doing the rational thing.”

—Paul Waldman

In reality, we’re not really going to know for years who’s better off and who’s not. But, thanks to their steadfast republican prediction, it became reeeeeaaal easy for me. I admit I gain some of my prognosticating prowess from their ineptitude.

Look, how could Obamacare possibly be worse than the preexisting condition? Insurance rates were rising 6% per year? Less and less were insured while more and more people were one procedure away from bankruptcy. Hey, but we have the lowest taxes in the civilized world, let’s start a Tea Party! Don’t Tread on Meh?

The details of the impact of the ACA will remain complicated for a long time and republicans can’t even do simple. Here’s their summary:

Fox News Poll: Only Four People Signed up for Obamacare

…and they all hate it.

You republican types believe a whole bunch of horse shit, but, that’s okay, because it’s all part of being a republican. As I’ve said before, Obamacare will work about the same as any other government program, which equals: High bureaucracy, but tolerable.

I agree we need good government programs, not shitty ones, but that’s all we got. I wish we were more competent, but I will continue to choose the lesser of two evils. Republicans, meanwhile, will keep trying to scrub off that 666 tattoo under the hairline and make excuses like:

“My wife might look like a dog, but she’s really a jackal, which is exotic. And, sure, Damien is going through a lot of nannies, but in the heartland we feel that’s just saving us some deportation funds.”

—John Q. Republican

Right now, all data, polls, and models predict a likely GOP senate takeover in the midterms, but models can be wrong as we have seen with the climate. Wait, I’m being told those are back on track again. So things should be heating up, politically and thermologically. By the midterms Obamacare will be functioning even better and the GOP will make the Shiites and the Sunnis seem like the Wonder Twins. Wonder Twins activate, form of prediction.

by Mick Zano • April 28, 2014

Before Duty Secret Service Agents Must Blow into TelePrompter

Washington—President Obama’s teleprompter has now been fitted with a Breathalyzer to assure each Secret Service agent’s blood alcohol level remains at or below that of Vice President Joe Biden’s. This new policy is the latest attempt by The White House to accomplish something before the midterms.

President Obama told reporters today, “I understand that boozing it up comes with the territory. I understand how, while on surveillance, it’s human nature to periodically vomit from the roof of the White House, and from time to time I myself have had to shake off the urge to urinate on FDR’s piano, but I will not allow this important function, which involves the safety of myself and my family, to devolve into a situation like…what was that name of that embassy in Libya that burned down?”

Republicans are looking to outsource the duty of protecting the president to either paroled white supremacists or known terror suspects, a move the President is calling “reckless and irresponsible.”

Obama later admitted he didn’t really listen to the republican’s proposal. “I just respond with some synonym of thoughtless. It’s worked out well so far.”

by Mick Zano • April 24, 2014

Netanyahu denying Israeli counterpart, Moossad

by Mick Zano • April 23, 2014

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news “journalist”. But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

One of my chief GOP complaints remains their rigidity of thought and their all-or-none thinking. Where does this problem stem from? I think some of their dysfunction clearly has its roots in Catholicism. It’s at least part of why republicans think the way they do, badly. Catholicism and Islam are the main two religions on earth with this good people/bad people, hell/heaven dichotomy and it is still shaping ideologies and legislation in the U.S. today.

“U.S. and them, and after all I’m just an ordinary Dem.”

—Pinko Floyd

Hey, at least atheists believe in science and they believe that ALL men are created equal. They also believe in public television, NPR, and no whip mocha lattes. More importantly, they believe in math, science and outcome measures. They can interpret new data into an ever-evolving position (with the notable exception of the whole mind/brain thing. Related post soon).

Example:

I was not originally opposed to voter ID laws, until I discovered during any given election fraud was estimated to occur only about .004%. That’s when I realized this was more GOP game-rigging (See: Gerrymander 2: A Good Day to Lie Hard) so my position changed. But, if the new data from NC turns out to be accurate, here, I may change my opinion again, especially if it turns out to be even more widespread. But I will reserve judgment as 95% of the stuff covered on Fox News tends to be of the bullshit variety. Yet all along the GOP’s solution to .004% voter fraud was to cover each instance, one at a time…this will explain it:

Dear GOP,

If 130 million folks voted and there was an estimated .004% fraud, if you cover each of the 5,200 stories separately, it doesn’t change the overall amount.

Sincerely,

Math

Evolving positions on the right are almost unheard of. So, minus any evidence, this ID vendetta was designed to disenfranchise our poor voters. Nothing more. Blessed are the…Your paperz, bitte! I believe that ploy was from Josh’nya or was it Dontvoteicus?

If the Foxeteers don’t have any real evidence, they just click on the Breitbart.coms of the world and voilà, instant evidence! It panders, it slanders…and look at that shine! No matter what data emerges the vast majority of republicans are incapable of changing their views. Republicans take their propaganda on faith. There’s at least a five year half-life on any botched issue and by the time they figure it out, who cares? Benghazi! Today’s republicans make Douglas Adam’s Golgafrinchnans seem like the High Elves of Rivendell (who legalized, apparently).

Oh, and how about that recently unearthed 2^nd century evidence suggesting Jesus had a wife?

This parchment was coincidentally released right around the same time that Jesus stopped hanging around with all those sinners and prostitutes. This excerpt from the lost Gospel of Huggy Bear:

“Sorry, guys, ahh she kinda funny.”

—Jesus

“Yeah, everybody funny. Now you funny too.”

—George the Apostle

And then Jesus said, “Blessed is the steady booty” and no one saw Jesus for a time.

Sorry.

But don’t worry about Climate Change, God will send another Moses to cool the oceans, or if they get too acidic Jesus will turn it into a nice merlot, or if it starts to rain too much another Noah will gather two of every iPhone app so they can eMate.

But remember, kids, under no circumstance drink and then try to walk on water. It will end up on YouTube.

Also, atheists are a surprisingly ethical bunch, which at first sounds counterintuitive, like conservative wisdom. Take Christopher Hitchens for example; he created a much more sensible 10 commandments before he went to meet his…oh (throat clear). How could his rules be more relevant than God’s? Full Zano story on here. Most of God’s 10 commandments are meaningless in 2014, like our Constitution. I kid the patriots.

You shall not covet thy neighbor’s ox? Really? Well, once during a Google search I saw something pretty horrific, but I think such things go without saying, aka, no coveting that shit. But, really God? Did you have to carve that into a tablet? (Throat clear)…er, what does covet mean again?

Religion’s main affront to humanity is how it invariably turns out-group members into monsters, which is a source of much of the strife in the world today and, coincidentally, a main theme for Fox and Frauds. More “primitive” cultures, who employ hallucinogens in their sacred rights and/or individuals who meditate, tend to move beyond fundamentalism and embrace some form of humanity’s interconnectedness. Atheists are more likely to squat on a mat for the science-backed benefits of meditation than Christians. A form of Unity Psychology is our future…that is, if we have one. Many more tribal cultures believe in the oneness of all things and, by the way, so did the Gnostics, better known as the people who invented Christianity. Unfortunately, their Frankenstein Monastic wandered away from the castle and started terrorizing the planet.

So I appreciate the work of Hitchens, Dawkins, and Harris. Atheism and the leading edge of human knowledge seem married at the moment. And, in a world getting dumber by the second, they give me some small hope for mankind. Many of our atheists are our best and our brightest; they are dizzying intellects who I just happen to be smarter than (cough). I agree with them on this much: we must move passed this “we have the ONE true answer” dogma, or:

“The Indians once called a great council (to discuss their origin myths) as they sat around a fire the Dakota people talked about how they rode in from the Black Hills on purple horses before time and when they finished their story, everyone said, ‘Great story! Great story!’ And then when the Cherokee spoke, they told a story of how their people emerged from a cave, everyone said, ‘Great story!’ And when it came time for the priests to tell their story, they told of the Garden of Eden and of Adam and Eve, and everyone said, ‘Great story!’ Then the next tribe started to tell their story and the priests said, ‘No, no. No more stories. Our story is the only story.’ And the Indians were like, ‘Who invited these guys?’”

—Tom Blue Wolf, Mythic Journeys (2009), paraphrased.

That fear of out-group is organized religion’s biggest problem and, coincidentally, republicans and coincidentally the worlds. It stops the move from ethnocentric to more worldcentric thinking. If we don’t start working together as a global community, it’s going to be bye-bye time. Working together will improve our chances of navigating the rough waters ahead. The only thing stopping us right now is religion and capitalism—the GOP’s dynamic duo—mainly because:

A. There’s no money in saving the Earth (an excerpt from the Gospel of Koch), and:

B. Resources, reshmources, why bother? Jesus is returning soon to suck the faithful into heaven with his Holy Hoover.

Thanks to such reasoning, here we are today, so far behind the 8-ball it would take the aid of the Hubble telescope just to see the town the pool hall is in. I believe there’s some hope in parts of the new age movement (check Reality Sandwich and a related Pinchbeck post, here).

As for the Dawkins and Harrises of the world:

“For the most part, I agree with them. Belief in God is not required and it’s the cause of so much suffering around the world via religious extremisms. However, their approach is too fundamentalistic for my taste.”

—Ken Wilber

So Wilber would likely agree with my “Sure beats Huckabee” pro-atheistic last post snark (PALPS). Dawkins’ approach, in particular, annoys me the most. He captures the essence of scientism. Indeed, there’s even fundamentalism in science. He wants to rid the world of all hocus pocus and all mumbo jumbo, even the stuff he hasn’t bothered to look at or study! And, as for Mr. Hitchens, see my Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing. But at least atheism continues to wage an important unholy war on organized religions:

“Today, every one of our great traditions is in profound disorder. What have been taught as their basic truths seems to no longer hold. Cultures move from a deep spiritual impulse, lyric moment that creates the form of a culture, to more pragmatic consideration.”

—Joseph Campbell

Campbell assigns no blame for this natural societal shift, or as Forrest Gump once said, “Shift happens.” Enters a true pragmatist, Barack Obama, a man thwarted from the onset by the faithful. Why? Because to them he is the personification of some out-group and he’s in the White House!

“So the new mythology to come must be a global mythology, and it’s got to solve the problem of the in-group by showing that there’s no out-group.”

—Joseph Campbell

There is no They…except maybe in that John Carpenter film, but that’s different. So is Them, for that matter, and giant ants aren’t even mentioned in the Bible. An oversight? Blessed are the radioactively enlarged ants? Well, God’s not bugnipotent, that’s for sure.

Atheists are much more open to this worldcentric model and they’re less likely to go to war than those still deluded by fundamental religions. And that’s not to say all religious folks are delusional. Christ-consciousness is Buddha consciousness is the Tao, is the way. It’s just that Christ consciousness has little to do with today’s Catholicism, at least for the vast majority of its members (see: the 700 Club).

The right’s ability to get it wrong, every time, is astounding and only with help from the faithful could they be so blinded. Take the death penalty. Who’s for that? Christian conservatives. But it costs society more in legal fees and appeals than if we just let them rot in prison. So it doesn’t even make sense from a fiscal standpoint. Not to mention those wrongly fried. And what about Thou shalt not kill? Are you going to ignore the only commandment that makes sense? Is there a footnote or an asterisk on the tablet that got chipped off?

And step away from that ox, Pokey!

Such fixed beliefs only become barriers to Wilber’s worldcentric level, to pantheism, to unity psychology and to the perennial philosophy, shaken not stirred. In fact, they become a barrier to solving the greatest challenges of our time.

“Science doesn’t have all the answers but fundamental religions don’t seem to have any.”

—Mick Zano

The world will be a much better place when we leave religious intolerance behind for a more meaningful spiritually. Embracing atheism, aka reason, may well be an important step:

“Your old road is rapidly agin’, please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand, for the climate is a-changin’.”

—The Gospel of Bob

This is not an actual Zano rebuttal to the recent Pokey McDooris’s post, here, as both contributors decided independently to discuss atheism as their next topic of interest. They both picked on Dawkins, they both mentioned the Hubble, and they were apparently both separated at birther. So I propose, rather than another round of dim-witticisms, we have the deciding post via Skype or some other mediated forum. Cokie? Can you handle these bozos? Meanwhile, any attempt at rebuttal posts from you two knuckleheads will be immediately sent to the Discord furnace, deep in the bowels of the asphalt jungle known as Philadelphia.

Godless speed,

Pierce Winslow

by Mick Zano • April 22, 2014

Farmington, NM—In the aftermath of the celebrations of 4/20, Colorado fell dangerously low on snack foods. At 3PM the state’s Governor, John Hickenlooper, called a state of emergency by sending a frantic message to Washington, “Hey, like dude, like…heh, heh. FOOD!!”

The shortage became so acute that by early evening waves of Coloradans poured over the borders en masse, overwhelming convenient store snack aisles in adjacent states. By midnight dozens of Circle-Ks were held hostage to the throngs of munch-crazed hooligans.

“It was like a swarm of smelly hipster locust,” said a convenience store owner from nearby Springfield, “I was not initially opposed to this ‘freeing of the seed’ but now I wonder if it is too much of a good thing. I only escaped after turning the slushie machine on high. Those Rocky Mountain Hijackers are still watching the pretty colors spin.”

Next 4/20 many convenient stores surrounding Colorado plan to stock up on extra hemp dogs, roach chips, and ding bongs so this never happens again.

by Pokey McDooris • April 21, 2014

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid…but worse.

I’m just gonna focus on whacking one mole at a time. Let’s start with your absurd claim that we are entering the Age of Atheism. If our country really is entering the age of atheism, then how do you explain the American people electing such a devout Christian as Barak Obama? Remember his words, less than six years ago, while he was running for office, and he was asked his opinion about gay marriage; President Obama answered, “I personally believe that marriage is a union between a man and a woman; and as a Christian, I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.” If we were truly becoming an atheistic nation, would we have elected someone who publically professed such a traditional faith? (This is called ‘irony’.)

You claim that all cultures eventually tend to shift toward liberalism and that atheism is potentially an evolved worldview. Name one evolved atheistic culture in the history of humanity? Atheistic liberalism is equivalent to brainwashing. It was brainwashing when Stalin did it; it was brainwashing when Mao did it, it was brainwashing when Castro did; it was brainwashing in Lesbos, that Greek island inhabited by all those beautiful…wait, I kind of get that. But it’s brainwashing now.

Just to prove my point, let’s take a look at Little Johnny’s atheistic education.

“Little Johnny, we know that your foolish parents have taught you that there is an invisible Creator called God–just like they taught you about that silly Santa Claus and his cohort, the Easter Bunny–so we’re here to teach you that you’re parents are ignorant fools. You see, Johnny, the consensus of expert scientists agree on the fact that human beings are mere complex apes that arose from random chance mutations on this tiny speck of a dust called Earth. We’re just circling around a sun as one of billions in this vapor fart-cloud of a galaxy that is but one amongst billions of others galaxies in this black empty universe. Essentially we popped into existence, like one of those breakfast cereal elves.”

Yes, we know how to snap, crackle and pop Little Johnny into shape, so that he will be best equipped to compete in the modern day economy. Oh, he feels a little pressure as his brain is pinched tight until the juice drips to fit the bubble. “So Little Johnny, you’re feeling depressed and stressed from the standardized test. Well, the doctor can prescribe you the THC ‘chill pill,’ and we’ve got the federally funded ‘munchie break’ between breakfast and lunch. Oh, and it’s a bummer that we’ve eliminated recess, but you can burn off some steam in Sex Ed. with our state of the art ‘hump dummies,’ or head over to the cross dressing, same-sex fondling room. You don’t know where that is? Right passed the transgender and metrosexual restrooms. You see, Johnny, it’s best that you explore the full gamut of your sexuality so you can come to an educated decision as to your sexual orientation.

Atheism’s time is over, but some ideas don’t die easy. Zano assures us that our society is becoming Atheistic, and I agree…that our society is being brainwashed by the dead ideas of Atheism, Darwinism, Communism and Overt Zanoistic Hedonism (OZH). Although, I did have fun at that one party, but then I had to spend all Sunday in confession.

Look, atheism has never made an affirmative claim, it merely denies the existence of a theistic God and an intrinsic purpose to life. Modern atheists speak with such arrogance when confronting those silly superstitious people who read their Bibles and talk to their invisible God because of their fears and inadequacies. What modern atheists don’t tell you is that the scientific evidence over the past century points clearly in the direction of theism.

When an atheist use to ask, “Where did the Universe come from?” They would reply that the universe is “infinite, and has always existed.” This was called the ‘Steady State Theory,’ and this theory was held by many within the scientific community. I say ‘was held’ and ‘was called’ because no reputable cosmologist holds that position today, because the observable evidence has proven this theory to be false.

The Hubble Telescope has shown humanity that the galaxies are moving away from each other with increasing speed. Cosmologists mathematically plot the movement backwards to a “singularity point” where all matter was on top of each other –13.74 billion years ago. Thus we now have scientific proof that the first three words of the Bible, “In the beginning…” are in fact true, and truth-seekers are compelled to ask if the fourth and fifth words of the Bible are also true. And let’s not forget the dedication page, To my Loving Wife, Barbara. I admit that part of the Bible code has not been cracked.

Recent scientific investigation has uncovered the structure of DNA and it’s far more complicated than Darwin ever imagined. Unlike mere molecules, DNA actually stores information. Nowhere in nature has matter been found to ever give rise to information. Information comes from intelligence. This discovery of the complexity of DNA has led many scientists to question the theory that proposes “origin of species” and “natural selection” and “random chance mutations.” Dr. Fred Holye says “bio-materials with their amazing measure of order must be the outcome of intelligent design.” Anthony Flew said, “The findings of more than 50 years of DNA research have provided materials for a new and enormously powerful argument for design.” That’s starting to sound a lot like hate speech. Thought police alert. Hey, what happened to that grant money? But I have tenure. Hey, I even voted for the metrosexual restrooms?

Even Richard Dawkins started changing his tune: “I suppose it’s possible that you might find evidence for that (Intelligent Design) if you look at the details of biochemistry, molecular biology, you might find a signature of some sort of designer.” Oh, but Tricky Dicky Dawkins can’t leave any hope that this ‘sort of designer’ is the first cause intelligent Creator of the cosmos that many of us refer to as God. No, no, Dawkins clarifies, “Well, it could come about in the following way. It could be that at some earlier time, somewhere in the universe, a civilization evolved, probably by some kind of Darwinian means, probably to a very high level of technology, and a form of life that they seeded onto perhaps this planet.” Oh, that clarifies things Dr. D. It was space aliens who intelligently designed life on this planet.

You see, now, that the genetic evidence cannot be suffocated inside the stifling straightjacket of Darwinism. These atheists theorize about space aliens–that’s their God, anything but the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Okay, Ricky, I’ll humor you. Let’s say that life on Earth was intelligently designed by Evolved Space Aliens–then who or what designed the life that became the Evolved Space Aliens?

Crickets….crickets…and more crickets…followed by doubletalk, distraction, chit chat about the weather (global warming, no doubt), and change of subject. On this question, I have yet to get any coherent response by the proponents of the ‘Space Alien God’ (SAG) Theory.

This brings me to my last point–the discovery that the conditions for supporting intelligent life is so very, very rare. The earth is indeed a very lucky (or very blessed) planet. When cosmologists first realized the vastness, diversity, and scope of the universe, most assumed that life would be common. After all, our galaxy alone contains billions of other stars. Our galaxy is one of billions of galaxies in the known universe. Scientists assumed that out of so many known planets, there must be numerous cases of life at least as intelligent as ours. As Carl Sagan once stated, “The available evidence strongly suggests that the origins of life should occur given the initial conditions and a billion years of evolutionary time.”

Well, recent discoveries have found that the universe is actually very hostile to life. Life is fragile and requires numerous narrow and specific conditions to be met to make life possible. Our planet Earth has just the right location in just the right kind of galaxy. Our planet is just the right size with a large enough moon, and it orbits at just the right distance from just the right type of star. Our plate tectonics are thin enough to shift, but thick enough to be maintained. Our atmosphere contains just the right combinations of life-nurturing gasses. Yes, the more we discover about the conditions in our own galaxy and in other galaxies in the universe, the more it seems as though the origin of complex life is indeed miraculous.

So what of the numerous reports of UFOs that we hear of in the popular culture? When Carl Sagan extensively studied the details about the large numbers of modern reports of UFOs, he called it pseudo-science. “Think of how many other “explanations” there might be: time travelers, demons…tourists from another dimension…the souls of the dead…each of these explanations has been seriously proffered…” “The least likely explanation of UFOs is the hypothesis of extraterrestrial visitors by intelligent beings…”

Atheism led to Darwinistic ‘origin of species,’ ‘natural selection,’ and ‘random chance mutations.’ Darwinism led to genetic engineering and social engineering, which lead to Nazism’s ‘Superman’ and Communism’s ‘totalitarian state’. Now Darwinism’s foundation is undermined by the evidence, which suggests an intelligent designer; so Atheists seek another kind of designer ‘god.’ This god will play the part to give everybody what they want. A soul-travelling pure spiritual being of higher consciousness, a remotely-viewed psychic channel to the Akashic field, or an anal-probing alien from another spoof news blog. I hate those. Choose whatever god best fits your orientation…uh, and the right bathroom.

by Mick Zano • April 19, 2014

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, “every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks.”

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. “I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED].”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?”

by Mick Zano • April 17, 2014

GOP Widens Search for Obamacare Fallout to Narnia

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

“This is further proof of a failed policy,” said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. “Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!”

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, “There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015.”

by Mick Zano • April 15, 2014

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Models are now predicting a game ending 4˚C hike by 2100, which was just echoed by the U.N. Oh, the U.N. said it, so it’ wrong! Granted, the U.N. is an incredibly dysfunctional group of individuals, but they make the GOP look like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Meanwhile, a billion dollar network to deny climate change was recently uncovered, here, and I’m sure there’s equal money being spent by those cap-and-traders. The big difference? Those funding both sides believe in climate change, only one side believes in profits more.

“With all the worldwide mass extinctions occurring, dare we hope republicans are among them?”

—Mick Zano

If climate models don’t predict a 15-year pause in the warming, conservatives are right. But, if climate models do predict more extreme events, temps, and increased snow fall, conservatives are still right…er, because cold is the opposite of warm. Regardless of the data, regardless of the science, conservatives are always right—except for the whole always being wrong part.

A while back Matt Drudge linked to Obama to address climate change during coldest SOU in history. Yes, many climate models accurately predicted historic cold snaps and extremes, here, yet NASA just announced it’s been one of the hottest years on record, here. But, of course, republicans find the one former NASA scientist doubling as an evangelical kook. Have you heard this one? Roy Spencer’s claims have rifled around the net as he’s insisting all of our climate models are wrong. This guy ascribes to a universe wherein all of God’s work is “self-sustaining”. Of course the Super Novians would beg to differ, but they exploded. I guess republicans only read the NASA part of his resume. That’s still pretty good for them, small steps for Foxkind, small steps.

I recommend if an “expert” on any given issue agrees with any republican held position, before posting their drivel play spot-the-looney.

You can’t use what the model accurately predicts against it! Our rather frigid winter did not change the facts. England was recently hit by the worst flooding in 250 years, CA is amidst its worst drought in 500 years, and even my town, Flagstaff, had one of its warmest winters on record. I don’t know how many hundred year events have to happen as I finish this sentence before republicans cop a clue.

Answer: It was Mr. Green blocking the pipeline in the heartland.

No? How about:

Professor Dumb with the solar panel in the greenhouse gases?

Sorry.

The changing of our ocean currents and our jet stream (polar vortex) is actually further proof of warming. Chris Mooney over on Slate tried to counter Drudge’s spin with: No Surprise Matt Drudge Gets it Wrong Again. This approach misses the main point. Matt Drudge and the Koch Brothers are sociopaths. They know global warming is happening, but they are systematically muddying the waters to keep society from tackling one of the most pressing issues of our time.

Alternate street parking?

Okay, the other most important issue of our time.

They are fighting for short term profits over our future existence via the “kitchen sink” method. The GOP employs this method for everything from scandals, to the economy, to social issues. They are inundating us with anecdotal nonsense, which in the case of climate change is designed to keep the debate alive. Here’s the equation:

Debate = Inaction

Inaction = Profits

Profits = Treasure Bath!!!!!

Whether the world is getting cooler, warmer, becoming denser, or even going paisley, we need a War on Coal now. The GOP—or at least their “think tanks”—will continue to ignore the overwhelming consensus of science, not out of stupidity, but out of a massive spin campaign designed to keep fossil fuels alive and well.

“Wind farms killed another bird last week, so let’s go back to poisoning our water supply with coal. Are you going hunting this weekend? Hey, birds don’t drink water, right?”

—John Q. Republican

Give Charles Koch a lie detector test. Ask him if he believes in climate change. Ask him if he believes in trickle-down economics. Ask him if he believes Obama is the worst president ever. Hah! He doesn’t believe in anything except his own bank account.

The republican’s Climate Change playbook:

1. Deny as long as possible.

(See: the right wing media.)

2. Blame natural earthly cycles and downplay man’s influence

(Which is becoming increasingly unlikely, here.)

3. Say, “Well, India and China wouldn’t have changed anyway.”

(Is everything they think wrong? Apparently, here.)

4. Melt into a small pool of goo.

(Step 4 is sadly non-partisan)

Republicans are currently somewhere between number 1 and 2, the “climate taint” as it were, which is astounding when everyone else has reached DEFCON 5. Today, people are actually less likely to believe in global warming than even 6 months ago, to the tune of 7%, a trend directly due to the Fox fog machine, here. On a good note, Fox has increased their real warming coverage from 7% to 28%, per The Guardian here. Even Fox News realizes it’s time to start shifting to phase-2. When they finally admit it’s happening they will immediately absolve themselves of any wrong doing. Remember when Iraq was just some bad intelligence? …actually, it was a lack thereof. Modus GOPerandi?

Slate Magazine is covering our arctic ice death spiral here. That’s different from a death panel…in that it’s real. But the right has countered with their own important story:

“There’s still plenty of ice in my freezer, in fact, there is so much ice I am concerned I won’t be able to shut the freezer door soon.”

—John Q. Republican

The tiny sliver of climate denying studies, roughly 4 percent, is where Matt Drudge, The Heritage Foundation and Fox News mine for all of their meaningless nuggets of climate change wisdom. And they can repudiate every “9 of 10 climatologists believe” moment by finding one study misclassified.

“Oh, yeah, how about that one study from Scheister and Alarmist. The data is wrong so it’s really only 96.98% so the whole thing is a lie!”

—John Q. Republican

If a model predicts we will lose a Maryland sized glacier and we only lose a Delaware sized one, they call “gotcha”. Then they forever cherry pick quotes from that one quack on the dole. Bill Nye recently said on Maher’s Real Time, “They (The GOP) keep banking on that small percentage of uncertainty.”

Look, science doesn’t know exactly how warm it will get by 2030, it doesn’t know exactly what percentage is caused by man, it may even change its mind outright at some point based on new findings, but:

Dear GOP,

If you rarely get anything right, why are you so sure of yourselves on Climate Change?

Sincerely,

Earth

P.S. Science is only 100% certain of one thing, republicans are always wrong.

Whereas science is currently wrestling with global patterns, republicans are wrestling with parables and proverbs. Our climate scientists are looking to understand the big picture while republicans are still staring at that bent Polaroid they dug out of their VHS tape drawer. Sorry, but we already passed the tipping point, we’re toast…and yet half our country still can’t even identify the problem? Really? So essentially the GOP won. Their plan was to keep debating until it’s too late. Remember, kids, when a republican wins, we all lose. The whole thing is almost as astounding as their economic views…well, not quite.