News & Politics

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle

by Mick Zano • August 4, 2014

The disappearing shopper was last seen purchasing a Gucci handbag on Fifth Avenue, before shopping quietly into oblivion. The role-playing video game manufacturers of the same name are protesting any association. A retailer at Gucci remembers the woman, “She had about a dozen bags slung over every appendage. She could barely carry them all. I distinctly remember the smell of burning plastic about her. It was an unpleasant smell that made me a little queasy. I didn’t think anything of it at the time as that happens here a lot.”

When asked if any hope remained for the woman’s safe return, Dr. Hogbein said, “I’m afraid she’s gone platinum. At the point of her last purchase, economic pressures literally crushed her in a process known as Citi-fication. Yes, I just made that up.”

The Discord’s Search Truth Quest team sent field reporter Cokie McGrath into the heart of the phenomenon with a pile of CEO Pierce Winslow’s credit cards. The plan was never authorized so this will be the last day Mick Zano will be working for The Discord. McGrath was last seen leaving Saks Fifth Avenue in a hazy cloud of burning plastic.

Just before she disappeared someone reported hearing McGrath say, “Hi ho, Silver, away!” …which is odd, because she was using a gold card.

by Pokey McDooris • August 2, 2014

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals…well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.

Let’s consider a case study of our own Little Johnny, a normal all-American child with an idyllic upbringing. Johnny’s parents taught him that he was a very special child. Under the guidance of social workers, his parents made their whole world revolve around Johnny. He was very well provided for–whatever Johnny wanted, Johnny got.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s psychologist told his parents and teachers that Johnny’s anxiety and anger were triggered by unusually harsh demands being placed on him and by being told “no”, the other “n” word as Johnny’s parents now refer to it. Johnny’s school stopped imposing consequences on Johnny for his aggressive outbursts; instead his teachers now give him stickers, prizes, and toys, whenever Johnny goes an hour without assaulting anyone.

Good job, Johnny.

The school no longer uses the word ‘teacher’ when describing their relationship with Johnny. You see, the word ‘teacher’ implies that this person is hierarchically ‘better’ than Johnny. This phrasing could hurt Johnny’s feelings by making him feel inferior. In order to best bolster Johnny’s self-esteem, whenever we document or discuss our interactions with Johnny we will now be replacing the phrase ‘Johnny refused to follow his teacher’s directions’ with ‘Johnny chose to reconsider his associate’s suggestions.’

Good job, Johnny.

Other refined words and phrases:

Old School	New School
Johnny broke the rules	Johnny chose to explore alternative options
Johnny lied	Johnny spoke words inconsistent with reality
Johnny punched a peer	Johnny coordinated his motions in such a way as to interfere with another’s comfort
Johnny threatened a peer	Johnny spoke words foreshadowing an ill-fated future for another
Johnny told the teacher “fuck you”	Johnny expressed a desire to develop a deeper intimacy with his associate

Johnny’s school doesn’t believe in failure, or the “f” word as his teachers now refer to it, so Johnny will be graduating high school with honors even though he can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence or add without using a calculator.

Good job, Johnny.

And Johnny’s a great athlete. He sits on his bean bag chair for hours playing football, boxing, baseball, and hockey. He’s destined for greatness. Johnny’s also a Navy Seal, a Ninja, a Supreme Allied Commander, and sometimes even a grand auto thief.

Good job, Johnny.

On Facebook Johnny is the producer, director, and star of his very own personal reality TV show called ‘Everybody Loves Johnny.’ He’s very popular. He has thousands of friends.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s extraordinary talents don’t translate well into the normal workforce. A person of Johnny’s caliber doesn’t perform well when other people tell him what to do. Good thing that Johnny can make more money by not working. Johnny’s caseworker is helping him obtain social service benefits, medical assistance, behavioral health coverage and welfare. Johnny might even find a scholarship for college. I think that Johnny will be very successful.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s story should inspire us all. No longer do we need to be burdened over stressful standards of achievement and personal responsibility. Just like Johnny, we’re entitled to access all the glories of greatness without ever having to leave the comforts of our government subsidized home.

Good job, society.

by Mick Zano • July 31, 2014

Man Taken Aboard the Loch Ness Monster by Alien Bigfoots

For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles. After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top.

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.

by Mick Zano • July 26, 2014

Immigrant Children Transformed into Renewable Energy Source

Nuclear Power mogul, C. Montgomery Burns, is having an alternative energy change of heart, “After seeing Winslow’s innovative plans, my position on green energy is evolving.” Mr. Burns is already discussing options to one day expand this project to include flying monkeys.

Winslow told reporters, “Through the use of the most efficient solar energies, by the end of the decade these children could power the better part of their own adolescents. The end of the life cycle will eventually be harnessed as well and solar nurseries will one day dot the landscape. And why let old flatulent people in nursing homes of the hook? Poop is power too, you know, and what the hell else are they doing?”

The child immigration hamster wheel is reportedly “in its infancy”, but when that technology becomes available immigration shelters will become true power stations. “Good business is where you find it,” continued Winslow, “and sometimes you find it with kids attached to solar blankets. Children have lots of energy and we need energy. Isn’t it ironic that the key to getting us weaned off foreign oil is by harnessing foreign children?”

Harness sold separately.

The critical question remains this: can renewable immigrant children fill the energy gap? Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, is not as optimistic, “Kids run all over the place and don’t always stay plugged in. Perhaps if we situate them out in the desert with some video games…”

by Mick Zano • July 21, 2014

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to…oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges…uh, yeah, we’re screwed.

Point 1: The government spends tax money on activities that may well conflict with one’s conscience:

This first point is its own debate. I hope to coordinate with you soon about this. Suffice to say, you’re wrong. So for now everyone kindly allocate one point to me and let’s move on.org.

Point 2: The IRS Targeted Republican Groups: (All Pokey quotes snatched from his last post, here)

Pokey: You flippantly justified IRS agents targeting conservative groups by writing, “Its group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, ‘Uh, oops what happened to that application?” The same thing probably happened to those emails. This statement of yours, Zano, shows your argument’s flaw and the essential the flaw in your evaluation of the Obama administration.

Zano: Um, no. I have said all along this is a very real scandal….for the IRS. I am dismissive of this as an Obama scandal, because last time I checked the IRS is not part of the Obama Administration. I have no problem holding these people accountable, or my quote:

“Am I excusing the IRS’s behavior? Certainly not—heads should roll and will,” 5/13

My hypothetical IRS worker self should be fired, but keep in mind most people despise the tea party. The extreme right will find an uphill battle for all of their battles, because they’re starting in an ideological valley, which is more of a pit dug out from under an outhouse.

[Patrioturd comment flushed by the editor]

I kid out of love.

I think it will be a tough conviction even for the IRS, because the law is too vague. Again, that’s not to say Congress won’t endlessly try for some convictions—what else do they have to do?—but the law itself allowed for these shenanigans. This is no small point. It’s probably another unwritten fringe benefit to holding the presidency. Obama tried to tighten that law. On that note, I have a rare retraction. Whereas I predicted Obama would tighten this law, he only proposed to, but republicans blocked it in Congress.

Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Whereas Fox News is always wrong and doesn’t bother with retractions, I do retractions even when I guess something wrong. Spoof is King!

The GOP doesn’t want to stop this practice; they don’t want to govern. They’re only interested in making political hay from this political horseshit. They are solely motivated to impeach Barack Obama for reasons they can’t quite articulate. Besides, Obama will not be linked to this scandal, because:

A.) There really is no direct or even indirect connection to The White House or:

B.) Obama is smarter than anyone trying to catch him (Meep, meep).

Calling it a scandal before proving any wrongdoing is:

Fox News: Fair Balanced and Unafraid

Fairly Unbalanced and Making You Afraid

Pokey: The Tea Party didn’t just want to shut down the IRS, it wanted to shut down the Obama Presidency as a whole. So by your very “reasoning” (quotes added to incite annoyance), you would look the other way (which you are obviously doing). There is real wrongdoing if the Obama Administration gave the signal to its thugs to target his political adversaries.

Zano: Okay, so even if Obama had a *good motive* (asterisk added to give the illusion of grammatical prowess), it doesn’t imply guilt. Again, when we discuss presidential scandals the operative word is “presidential*.

(Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this!)

So I ask again, why did Bush do this? Why is solid evidence surfacing that this practice has gone on for decades, here? Republicans refuse to discuss anything meaningful, because they are too busy blocking any real reform. Besides, their propaganda business is percolating. I realize covering only the truth would be a tough transition for Fox News, I mean, what would they do with the other 23 hours? Back in the day, when I covered Bush scandals, I didn’t have to guesstrapolate with Sean Insanity. I don’t remember Keith Olbermann going, “Where was Monica Lewinsky during the Bush years? Hmmm. Our president is a male, so he had the motive….oh, there’s no evidence? Well, just add this to Bush’s scandal list anyway. I’m sure W was blowing some Dick in the Oval Office.”

[Cheney joke omitted by the editor]

Point 3: Let’s Placate the Terrorists:

Pokey: My point was not to complain about Obama’s refusal to call a “terrorist” a “terrorist”. I complained that by blaming the terrorist attack on a video, the administration emboldened our enemies, which we have obviously been doing throughout the Obama Presidency.

Zano: So terrorists weren’t emboldened when they flew planes into our buildings, but they’re emboldened now because of a successful strike against an outpost in Libya during a power vacuum? Okay.

I don’t think a drone landing on a terrorists’ head and then exploding is within the spirit and meaning of the word placate. I assume you prefer the Cheney model for battling terror, aka, attack the wrong country for the purpose of shady contract kickbacks (trickle-drone economics?).

Pokey: The Obama Administration was directed to blame the attack on the video rather than the people who did the attacking. The video was “hateful and offensive” (Susan Rice), “reprehensible and disgusting” (Jay Carney), “disgusting and reprehensible” (Hillary Clinton, who should have used a thesaurus), and “two thumbs down” (Siskel and Ebert). And these are just the responses to your last post, Zano (ba dum bump).

Zano: Okay, there is mounting evidence the person who organized the attacks cited the video as a reason to move up the attack date. But, hey, let’s ignore what the guy who planned the attack said and, instead, focus on republican theories (hint: those who dated the apocalypse as occurring pre-2014, have a better record at prognosticating).

Pokey: The administration should never have mentioned the video as being a fault in the attack. That’s making an excuse. What was the cause of the Benghazi attack? Plain and simple, it was Islamic fascists. I don’t care how they justify their violence.

Zano: The master planner of the embassy attack is in custody. A republican president would have let the guy slip away and then invaded Jordan. You are mistaking couth with weakness. We used to talk all the time about how the Bush/Cheney—and now Netanyahu—model only foments hatred, violence and terror. Obama’s approach is being touted by moderate Muslim and Middle East experts as the way to go. He is trying to win the long game, not each bullshit news cycle. This is an incoherent approach to republicans, which is your first clue it’s the best course of action.

Pokey: I have speculated that the Obama Administration has embraced the “reprehensible movie” narrative for its own self-serving reasons. I realize that this is just speculation, but it makes the most sense to me. Leading up to the 2012 elections, President Obama was promoting his “we’ve greatly weakened terrorism throughout the world” theme as a prime selling point for his upcoming election. A terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 didn’t fit his PR campaign so he got everybody on board to blame the attack on the video rather than the terrorists. That’s the point Zano, and you’re refusal to accept this point makes you a “denier.”

Zano: I strongly deny that allegation! You are absolutely right, in that Obama didn’t come out and say how this attack epitomizes his failed foreign policy, because it’s:

A. Ridiculous.

B. No politician ever puts things into the worst possible light, ever (see: politicians).

Remember, Bush won the Iraq War in 2003, which is a bit more of a stretch. Frankly, this is semantics. Look, if only four people died on any given day during the Bush Administration, they would have thrown a party. Obama is simply doing what I suggested years ago, utilizing a different and a more targeted approach, which includes cooperating with other governments and using only limited military interventions as a last resort. Capture or kill our enemies without inciting unnecessary violence and recruitment. Is any of this coming back to you? Ultimately the Middle East will be decided by people who live in the Middle East. Nation building and large military campaigns are a joke, not unlike every other solution the GOP supports…uh, on any given topic.

Okay, I usually try to end with a joke…umm, I got nothing. Wait, here’s one, Pokey’s full feature.

I kid out of love…really.

by Pokey McDooris • July 19, 2014

All right Zano, it’s been a while since I responded to your political musings, but it’s taken me nearly a week to get that last bad post of yours out of my mouth. Thank you, Tums! So if the government uses tax money to engage in activities that conflict with a tax payer’s conscience, they should be legally compelled to give birth control to employees? …or bake cakes for gay weddings? …or purchase health insurance? Really? And to make matters worse, all these things happened last weekend at your hacienda of hedonism! I’m sure my lack of an invitation was an oversight on your part. But I see you invited my sister, dick.

You also argue that the IRS violated no laws in targeting conservative groups. You said they should have expected such treatment since ‘teaparty’ groups sought to shut down the IRS. So you say that it doesn’t matter what the administration calls “terrorists” just so long as they kill them? I had another point about your Walmart midget comment, but I will save that for another post. Onward to the main three!

Point 1: The government spends tax money on activities that may well conflict with one’s conscience.

Take the Iraq War, for instance…no really, take it. We must expect that the government can legally force a person to violate their conscience. I’m glad you brought this point up, because it requires clarification. The government cannot force a person to directly violate their conscience. It can take tax money from me to be used to wage a war that I find immoral, but the government cannot force me to directly engage in the fighting of this war. They may draft me and force me to help in the efforts, say as a medic or a chaplain, and the same thing goes for birth control. Although I would not agree with this policy, it would not be unconstitutional to collect taxes and use that money to pay for birth control and abortions; however, the government does not have the right to force me to directly pay for birth control or abortions. They do not have the right to force me to directly contribute to a gay wedding through cake baking, musical performance, or catering. And although this point is slightly different, I would argue the government has a constitutional right to collect tax money to pay for health insurance for people, but they do not have the right to force me to directly purchase health insurance under the threat of penalty of law. If you recall, the Obama administration bent over backward to assure us that the “penalty” was not a “tax”, even though the IRS collects the penalty.

Point 2: The IRS Targeted Republican Groups:

Speaking of the IRS, you flippantly justified their agents targeting conservative groups by writing, “It’s group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, ‘Uh, oops what happened to that application?”

The same thing probably happened to those emails. This statement of yours, Zano, shows your argument’s flaw and the essential the flaw in your evaluation of the Obama administration. The Tea Party didn’t just want to shut down the IRS, it wanted to shut down the Obama Presidency as a whole. So by your very “reasoning” (quotes added to incite annoyance), you would look the other way (which you are obviously doing). There is real wrongdoing if the Obama Administration gave the signal to its thugs to target his political adversaries, since they were looking to shut him down.

Point 3: Let’s Placate the Terrorists

My point was not to complain about Obama’s refusal to call a “terrorist” a “terrorist”, although that is an issue, it’s not my issue; and you, by making it my issue have sidetracked my point. I complained that by blaming the terrorist attack on a video, the administration emboldened our enemies, which we have obviously been doing throughout the Obama Presidency. The Obama Administration was directed to blame the attack on the video rather than the people who did the attacking. The video was “hateful and offensive” (Susan Rice), “reprehensible and disgusting” (Jay Carney), “disgusting and reprehensible” (Hillary Clinton, who should have used a thesaurus), and “two thumbs down” (Siskel and Ebert). And these are just the responses to your last post, Zano (ba dum bump).

The administration should not have ever mentioned the video as being a fault in the attack. That’s making an excuse. What was the cause of the Benghazi attack? Plain and simple, it was Islamic fascists. I don’t care how they justify their violence–Israeli apartheid, the great Satan’s U.S. foreign policy, a reprehensible novel, an offensive cartoon maker, or even the Ghetto Shaman’s The Tao of Skullfucking (although I stand by parts of chapter four). It’s all just an excuse, perpetuated by our leaders who are pushing this narrative that ultimately emboldens terrorism.

I have speculated that the Obama Administration has embraced the “reprehensible movie” narrative for its own self-serving reasons. I realize that this is just speculation, but it makes the most sense to me. Leading up to the 2012 elections, President Obama was promoting his “we’ve greatly weakened terrorism throughout the world” theme as a prime selling point for his upcoming election. A terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 didn’t fit his PR campaign so he got everybody on board to blame the attack on the video rather than the terrorists. That’s the point Zano, and you’re refusal to accept this point makes you a “denier.”

More importantly, my sister is not going to your next party unless I am invited. Her words, not mine.

by Mick Zano • July 15, 2014

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness…and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy….uh, hedgy?

Here’s the submission:

Having lived through the past dozen years with my ears pummeled by the increasingly brutal cacophony of modern politics, I can say in all certainty that I am nauseated with the nonsense that rings in the media about the present crisis in Iraq: seeping from the mouths of those such as Sen John McCain, who glorify war.

A casual reading of any historical summary of Iraq will convince even the most partisan hacks among us that the country is, at the very least, a seething cesspool chock full of the worst elements of the crusades, Mexican cartels, the 19th century US Calvary, and Ebola. For 1400 years, the factions in that region have been beheading one another over the rightful heir(s) to the second coming of Jesus, a fiction that, for instance, commands a father to stone his child to death for being logical. Following the only major terrorist attack on US soil in the past 20 years due to our leadership’s failure to pay attention to real intelligence information, the Bush administration deliberately fabricated new intelligence, with most of us then, blinded by self-righteous vindictiveness, were suckered by snake oil.

But soon, some of us regained our senses, only to become dehumanized as unpatriotic leftist extremists while “victory” was declared. Now we have the McCains, Rumsfelds, Cheneys, and other ophidians that disturbed the bees (and in the process destroyed our economy), insisting we slither into the hive again. These lethal pretenders to leadership should have their mouths washed with bleach and sewn forever closed on matters of war. Their venom should never again pollute our sensibilities.

Dr. Kwela Juluka

Tell us how you really feel Doc? As ISIS captured city after Iraqi city, Dr. J was obviously deeply troubled with the recent charade on Fox. Frankly, I was never angrier after their coverage. And when I use adverbs frankly Mr. Winslow is never angrier. Maybe they should change their logo to:

Fox News:

Let’s keep asking what idiots think.

But kudos to Megyn Kelly for calling out Dick Cheney on his Horseshit. She was the only bright spot last week. Her station, meanwhile, chose to just show 2007 Surge justification quotes (SJQ) in the guise of insight (my take here). In some ways this particular brand of their revisionist history is the most offensive yet. Hopefully it will only act to further expose their master plan. Regardless of the facts on the ground, they will continue to try to shift everything, even their greatest blunders, into another flight suit moment beneath some metaphorical Mission Accomplished banner. The Republican Party is an utter farce and the more people who realize this the better. It’s not just that some of the stuff they peddle is bullshit, it’s that everything is either outright lies, trivial, meaningless or some combination thereof.

I’ll end with a marvelous quote about this constant pile of “bullpuckey” being pushed by the right wing media:

“They are happy to tell each other, for years, that this stuff is news, and not just stuff that they made up, while the real media—and frankly the politicians who have to swim in that sewer—have to worry about this parallel track of paranoid fake information that traffics as news on the American political right, but that is disproven everywhere else outside their echo chamber.”

—Rachel Maddow, 7/8/14

Rachel Maddow’s rant on July 8^th was marvelous. She covered how the right wing media convinced a huge faction of our society to question our real news and instead believe this new conservative brand of crapolla. She then ended the segment by explaining how this has a direct correlation to the sad, sad place our country now finds itself. For years, I have called this the story within the story of our time, but frankly Mr. Winslow that last frankly was from Rachel. Notice the quotes, sir! So, frankly, you can’t hold that one against me.

by Mick Zano • July 13, 2014

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?

This poll is more of a collective case study for a dysfunctional ideology than anything else—the Scheissgeist, as it were, which I believe is German for Vote Hillary 2016. As for our current State of the Union, history will clearly say something more pythonesque, aka, something completely different. Scholars and historians have a way of being scholarly and historical. Funny how that works.

Here’s a more realistic summary of Obama’s final judgment.

Barack Obama: Descent President, Horrible Congress

The Foxteers need to understand, even with their current War on Math, how a 7% approval rating is worse than 40%. And much of Obama’s 40% approval rating can be attributed to that same not-so-magnificent seven. Seven is the lowest in the history of polling, Rasmussen.

Also, when judging Obama we need to keep in mind most of the criticism on the right is entirely fictitious. Quick scandal review:

1. Damning and impeachable but not linked to Obama (The IRS).

Fun Fact: Bush targeted liberals, here, and no one cared. Republicans want to impeach Obama for the same reason, but can’t actually prove any link to the White House. Hey, why not just try to impeach Obama for breaking into the Watergate Hotel?

2. Doesn’t make any sense whatsoever (Benghazi).

My latest coverage here. If this scandal does make sense to you, ask your doctor if an injectable anti-psychotic is right for you.

3. A real genuine scandal (NSA).

Hint: most real shit can directly be attributed to republican policies.

(Fun Fact: it’s harder to impeach someone after you make it legal.)

Fox knows this fact, which is why their always forced to refocus their energies on bullshit.

Meanwhile, Obama’s biggest mistake was thinking he could work with these people. The rest of us have watched as the GOP splintered into a hodgepodge of dangerously misguided ideologies. The splintering of conservative groups into two camps, let’s call them Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey, will only hurt them in future elections. That’s good news for people who like to eat and live and stuff.

More are taking notice of their descent into madness:

“The sense that you could stick it to the liberals by being utterly indifferent to reality actually grew worse on the right after Bush left office, starting with the adoption of Sarah Palin as a right-wing hero. Palin represents this new era of treating the truth like it’s a horrible force of oppression trying to squelch conservative America.”

—Amanda Marcotte, Why does the Right Embrace Ignorance as a Virtue?

At this point this is not a treatable condition. As I’ve said before, we are watching a faction of our society de-evolve before our very eyes. This is causing a predictable backlash of poorly behaving liberals. I’m afraid we passed the polarization point of no return, but ultimately it comes down to this:

“Bad behaviors are now rampant on both sides of the political aisle, but liberals have one thing republicans don’t, valid points.”

—Mick Zano (today)

Well, Mr. Zano, then how should Obama be rated?

Good question, imaginary person. In 2008, I said I would rate his presidency on two things.

1. Domestically

His ability to avoid a double dip recession (essentially a 2nd game-ending global economic collapse).

So far CHECK

2. Foreign Policy

His ability to end wars and avoid new ones, especially of the WWIII variety—if you recall, things were ramping up between Iran and the U.S. at the end of the Bush years.

So far CHECK

Sounds easy? A republican would fail both.

“My prediction on inauguration day was this: Obama would do poorly on the economic front and well on foreign policy. He has done a little better on the economic front than anticipated.”

Full Zano feature here.

I always thought Obama would have a much tougher time domestically, but he’s been a bit of an overachiever in this area and, as for his foreign policy, he is doing much better than people give him credit. Many on the right blame Obama for everything going wrong in the world today, but I knew the Middle East would get worse before it got shittier. Thankfully, so did Obama. As an important bullshit journalist, I stand by my foreign policy coverage and predictions. I even went out onto some rickety limbs, like on Syria, yet I’m still hanging on.

If you look at Obama’s top 25 campaign promises, he’s done pretty well. Here’s the PolitiFact score card. The only three issues that there’s been little movement on is:

1. Closing Guantanamo:

He tried, I blame Congress.

2. Creating a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners:

There’s no excuse. Please bailout the people not just the banks, sir.

3. Reeling in lobbyists:

Fun Fact: no one will accomplish this EVER, at least under our current system of government.

He’s either accomplished the rest, or he’s making some progress—another exception might be Immigration Reform—but he does have a better PoltiFact score than his predecessor, here. And, hell, he aint done yet. Can you say “executive orders”? I knew you could.

Domestically, all economic indicators have shifted positively over the course of his tenor, admittedly not as robustly as many would like but in my opinion it was the best we could hope for under the circumstances. Europe and the rest of the world is actually recovering more slowly from Bush, but we’re all on borrowed time at this point. Meanwhile, Despite Republican opposition, Obamacare has started to bring down healthcare costs across the board, so more people are insured for less money. Republican translation = America died.

Also, Obama is the only president in recent history to avoid any major scandal. Admittedly, his pile of imaginary ones have had a real effect on this approval numbers. Fox News’ fuck reality approach has had a clear impact on this man’s legacy. This sounds absurd, but I don’t think Obama can afford another imaginary scandal. And you just know several more are in the works, or: GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47.

As predicted on inauguration day, Obama will end up ranked somewhere in the middle. Bush is near the bottom and will likely drop further as people come to terms with the irreparable damage he has caused. But there is some good news W., you don’t have far to drop. Sorry, GOP but all of the Foxian bat guano in the world isn’t going to change this eventuality. I maintain that stepping into what Obama did and ranking somewhere in the middle is still an impressive feat, at least for those of us who understood the time period and the historical context involved. Republicans obviously don’t. For a current example, go to Fox News or The Drudge Report, right now, and read a headline, any headline. Then you can laugh a little and cry little, but whatever you do don’t believe any of it. The country you save may be your own.

by Mick Zano • July 11, 2014

Republicans fear this movement is gaining traction. Even in the homophobic heartland, gays are working diligently behind the scenes to replace general stores and good ol’ boy saloons with playhouses, boutiques and gay bars.

“Our forefathers did not envision a gay nation,” said AM radio douche, Rush Bimbo. “I can speak for all of the people who founded ‘Merica, and these freedom loving, curly wig and high-heel wearing He-men—uh, did I mention pantaloons donning?—anyway, they were all dead butch, is my point.”

The current LGBT group now emerging is far more radicalized. They follow a much stricter form of homosexuality. Yes, it’s now LGBT as the Q has officially been dropped from their name.

“No more questioning or queer,” said one member of a lesbian militant group. “You are either with us, or pressed up against us. Every day is going to be gay pride day, every day there will be dazzling parades because it is time to break the chains of heteronormativity, unless those chains are from that certain club I frequent on weekends.”

The White House has ruled out the use of drones in this battle over sexual identity and gender. “Look,” said Obama, “large vibrating things targeting these people will only entice them. Besides, I am a supporter of this movement, even if I do not embrace all of their tactics, except at that certain club I frequent on weekends.”

by Mick Zano • July 9, 2014

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine…uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

This week German Chancellor Angela Merkel laid the Krauthammer down, so to speak, and helped broker a real and hopefully lasting ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. The Discord has exclusive information on what transpired during this historic phone conversation:

Merkel: Vladimir, darling, it’s time for you to take your little guns and tanks and go home.

Putin: But can’t I play just a little longer?

Merkel: Certainly, as long as you don’t mind a much lower allowance.

Putin: Yes, ma’am.

Obama: Hot dang, you go girlfriend!

Merkel: Barack Hussein Obama, hang up this phone immediately! I thought we already talked about this!

Obama: Yes ma’am.

(click)

This conversation, in turn, caused Putin to send Obama some high-end vodka and a little Thinking of You card this week, full story here. I want to state again for the record, I’m not trying play the I told you so card, but I am trying to play the I’m sure the WWIII thing would have worked out well for a President McCain or a President Romney card.

Key Point: any 21^st century election of a republican president—with absolutely no ties left to something called reality—would spell disaster for this planet. They would spell it wrong, of course.

So a spoof news blogger has more insight than an entire political party? That should be a kick in the teeth…um, if their base had any. Sorry, gotta have some fun. Thankfully, Medicaid Expansion is fixing some of their teeth, here, so maybe I’ll have my chance yet.

I admit this Ukraine scenario started off weird. Republicans say all kinds of dumb shit, every day, incessantly in fact, but typically nothing pans out. It’s like reverse magic, but the invasion of Crimea and Russia’s threatening posture toward Ukraine was predicted by folks like Romney and Palin. In fact, Palin said she could actually see this all unfold from her house. I don’t think anyone could have foreseen the shaky situation in the Ukraine and the co-occuring mess in Moscow that made all of this possible. Never the less, the GOP predicted something that actually happened, on Earth, in this dimension, which is almost unprecedented in the 21st century.

However, as things started to ramp up my message to the republicans was don’t pop your champagne bottles just yet. Remember, even when it looks like that one in ten shot is coming through for them, never underestimate the ability of the GOP to get it wrong.

Coming from a conservative perspective, here is what fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had to say on the matter:

“Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb.”

—Pokey McDooris

(Hint of the Day: coming from a conservative perspective is synonymous with dead wrong):

Remember, they can’t discern chess from checkers or see the forest for the Kievs. Here’s my only retort for that deductive gem:

Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition

The Discord got this one right and…uh…that’s about it.

Here was my rebuttal quote at the time:

“Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.”

—Mick Zano, Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing

Post the invasion and annexation of Crimea, republicans were convinced a weak Obama had allowed Russia to creep back into a position of power. Of course, nothing could be further from truth (hint: republicans can never be farther from the truth, which is also covered in my Quandumb Mechanics theory and the Zanoberg Principle.

I said, from the beginning, this was a move made from desperation that would ultimately backfire. Putin was never going to come out of this smelling like roses. He did have an opportunity to crash the global economy, for sure, but that was the extent of this “power move”.

Since then—and at least in part because of the annexation of Crimea and the subsequent sanctions—Russia is on the verge of another recession and Putin is receiving the economic message from the rest of world, loud and clear.

I encourage everyone to just take a moment to really absorb each news cycle. Look at each conservative prediction, on any given topic, and then do something they refuse to do, look at what ultimately happened a few weeks or months later. It’s uncanny. If I end up wrong on a major issue, it’s probably going to come when I ignore my instincts and say to myself, naaah, they have to be wrong again. This is very dangerous and may well be by design, but whose? This has been my fear all along, republicans will cover an important truth in a pile of their usual Foxel matter.

…perhaps, but not today.

I believe 21st century Republicans have invented their own reality. The consequences of this can be minimized if we continue to keep them out of office. Don’t boycott businesses for someone’s religious beliefs! Don’t come down to their level. What you need to do is vote in the mother-blanking midterms, you mooching, socialist hipsters before I slap that PBR out of your hand.