News & Politics

Missing Immigrant Children Smuggled to Swing States Via Metro-ground Railway

by Mick Zano • September 9, 2014

“This is more evidence of the War on Easter,” said Obama. “We should not be limited to worshipping anthropomorphic egg-bearing rabbits on only one day each year. Let’s not forget the true meaning of Easter, which, again, involves this rabbitoid thing and the distribution of decorated hardboiled chicken eggs.”

The First Lady added, “What Barack is trying to say is, it doesn’t in any way have to do with amnesty for all illegals and then lowering the voting age so Democrats can win more elections.”

The President made a dismissive gesture toward his wife, before saying, “Now, if you will excuse us, we need to make sure the kids aren’t trying to release the flying monkeys again.”

On their way inside, the same reporter asked why all the children appeared to be totting milk shakes and large sacks of candy, Michelle said, “Uh, yeah, there’s a War on Halloween too. Besides, we had to do something with all the booty in those school candy machines that I confiscated.”

by Mick Zano • September 5, 2014

I hate to pile on the Clinton Administration before it even gets out of the Benghazi-gate, but Hillary is either as clueless as the rest of the chicken-hawk republicans or she’s pandering to a parallel universe in hopes of some votes. Either way she’s losing me and ‘so goes the Zano so goes the election’. Okay, no one says that.

There’s a reason Hillary’s sinking in the polls. All she needed to do was shut up and assume command in 2016, but she’s showing a huge lack of insight by chiming in. Anything can and will be used against you. I hoped to find out what an evil clueless hag you are after the election, the way our Founding Fathers intended. My frustration stems from her recent criticism of Obama’s foreign policy, here. You got Iraq wrong, lady. How is fomenting rightwing drivel going to help you or your party in the midterms? You’ve gotten everything wrong in this arena and your ‘solutions’ to the Middle East seem as misguided as the Fox News All Sharts.

Sorry, but neoconism died. Cheney killed it. He shot it in the face when they were out hunting. Sorry you didn’t get the 17% approval-rating-memo. Andrew Sullivan is also starting to Hillary bash over on The Dish. He begs the question, is Hillary really any different from McCain on foreign policy? I don’t see much distance either and just when I was starting to get over Managed Care.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Whitewater?

I think Hillary is actually basing her criticism of Obama on GOP inaccuracies. She’s saying we should have helped the Syrian rebels, many of whom are linked to a variety of terrorist groups. Give me a break. Don’t you get how clustered this whole situation is post Operation Enduring Femdom? Here’s why you’re all wrong.

Obama got the WMDs out of Syria without a land war. Of course, now he has to give them all back to Assad so he can fend off ISIS. Although, they have a weird kind of relationship right now as they both hate the Syrian rebels more than each other…for the moment. And, yes, ISIS is being led by the same people the Bushies sent away when they, in their infinite wisdom, disbanded the Iraqi army—in a county that we never should have invaded in the first place. So is it still Bush’s fault? No. Creating the army we are now fighting by destabilizing the region after you lied us into war is… uh….is not …umm. Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch to blame Bush (throat clear).

Lest we forget, a McCain or Romney Administration would have already bombed the shit out of Iran, which—if that hadn’t started WWIII—would have forced the U.S. to rebuild and rearm Iran to help keep ISIS in check. They would have called this some very patriotic name like Operation Get the Fuck Back Up, Bitch. Are you following? Now how to get back the arms back from radicalized Syrian rebels, who the U.S. deemed a terrorist group in 2012? Well, McCain and Hillary would be retrieving these weapons during in Operation Repo Man.

Granted, Obama did cause all of these problems by pulling out of Iraq…er, I mean by following Bush’s Status Force Agreement, complete with a specific Iraq withdrawal date. W wanted this in effect so he could initiate Operate Clear Brush and Paint Shit. Only by Dec 2011, the time of the withdrawal date, the Iraqi army wasn’t so much standing up as kneeling several times a day to pray to Allah. They would then practice dropping their guns and fleeing, a trick they mastered by the time ISIS, run by their old disenfranchised bosses, returned in 2014. Still with me? Why? I’m just making shit up at this point.

Now, Obama could have reneged and kept helping the Iraqi army for another ten years during Operation Please Stand the F-Up Already MFs! How does Al-Qaeda fit in, you ask? Well, Al-Qaeda in Iraq—who never existed until our invasion—morphed into ISIS with the help of Saddam Hussein’s army. This promoted the advent of a covert Area 51 program called Operation Reanimate Saddam Hussein, wherein it was hoped that Zombie Saddam can re-stabilize Iraq. The Walking Despot?

Or….instead of all that bullshit, you can actually understand that arming radical rebel groups with all of our latest toys, like Reagan did, like both Bushs did, and like Clinton did, is really, really stupid. And maybe, just maybe, the best thing to do is to start the Golf War by pulling out onto the green in your speedy little golf cart while flipping all of you opinionated no-nothings the presidential bird.

More importantly, where was Hillary Clinton the night four Americans died in Benghazi?!

Yeah, it’s complicated and republicans simply aren’t. To say they are delusional is an affront to delusional people. Obama’s approach is essentially correct. We can no longer successfully police the Middle East. If you don’t believe this, you might be a republican. We can’t protect them from themselves. I can’t even entirely blame Bush for that, although you can say he took something hovering around a seven and escalated the situation to an 11. Spinal Crap? Because our foreign policy goes to 11!

I like the idea of arming only the Kurds and if the crazies are bent on killing themselves, we can watch key cities, key resources, key genocides, but beyond that the Middle East is going to play for a while until they finally get it out of their system…or they’re all dead. Their call. If the fantasy world called the Republican Party takes the helm, we will all look back fondly to the Bush years as everything he did will pale in comparison to their atrocities. The only ones who haven’t noticed how bad they’ve become are themselves. They will continue to base their decisions whether or not to go to war on a delicate blend of Breitbart.com and prejudice, and facts be damned.

So I am starting to think gambling a few percentage points to get an actual human being, like Elizabeth Warren, elected may be worth the risk. Granted, Hillary did a great job as Secretary of State.

(Collective gasp.)

I realize this is news to our local parallel universe. You know, the place where Hillary snuck into one of our embassies and, due to some workman’s comp issues, shot four defenseless Americans dead and then burned the place down to cover her tracks.

Benghazi: so many questions….

Lewinsky’s Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive

…so little relevance.

Actually, it’s been a long time since Hillary murdered Vince Foster so her urge to kill was simply becoming too great. Again, the concern is that a Warren candidacy puts the presidency back into play and there is nothing more important to our collective future than defeating the GOP in 2016. Success for the GOP will mean our swift demise, and I am kind of pulling for a lengthy hops-n-barley filled one. That’s from Reve-libations Ch 1:9.

by Mick Zano • September 3, 2014

Kazoo Legend Slim Addelson Inducted into Kazoo Hall of Fame

We are being told it’s actually Gazoo from The Flintstones.

I didn’t really write this part. Don’t turn me in. This can be our little secret. Okay, you shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s like that good post, bad post thing. But our CEO is paying me by the word these days and I really need some extra beer money this week. You would need a beer too if you had to work day in and day out for our CE0 and resident one percenter, Pierce X. Winslow. He’s always acting like Lou Grant on ‘roid rage…well, on a good day. Oh, and I got this bad histamine like reaction after taking Niacin, is that normal? Am I allergic?

Blah, blah blah. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy.

Really, I think it’s starting to form a rash.

by Pokey McDooris • August 31, 2014

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It’s time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it’s time to stop pussy footin’ around the subject. Let’s get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS’s five steps to Beat Climate Change.

I believe Obama’s plan to save the world will not be nearly as effective as what ISIS has in store for mankind. Let’s combat our warming world through the magic of Sharia Law!

1) Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraisers

Many may not realize the meaty market for young sex slaves. On a good day healthy young 12-year-olds can attract five digits, maybe even a six! And ISIS promises that 50% of all proceeds will be donated to the funding of green energy powered WMDs.

2) Reduction of Automobile Use by 51%

We hereby pass worldwide legislation that outlaws women from driving automobiles. By eliminating women drivers we will put a serious dent on the world’s carbon footprint. The legislation will further fight climate change by sentencing those found guilty of such an offense to community service in the Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraiser. That’s not even counting the ones we’ll stone for adultery!

3) Slave Labor to replace carbon based energy

We propose Infidel powered windmills (IPWs) without the need of wind; scientific consensus agrees that infidels, horses and camels can power any Jihad, so Gitteeup!

4) Massive Population Reduction

Much of the global warming problem stems from the fact there’s just too many damn people. Birth control and abortion haven’t worked, so it’s time to get serious. We propose an exponential increase in beheadings. Let’s save the planet, one dismemberment at a time. I want our kids to get a behead.

5) Destroy Western Civilization

Who can deny that Western Civilization is the root cause of all global warming/climate change? Without Western Civilization there would be no such thing as a greenhouse gas problem. The Great Satan has the biggest carbon footprint ever. Talk about a Bigfoot sighting. We have you in our sights! And it’s time to take that hairy bastard down.

Makes perfect sense. You’re either with us or against us. Hey, let’s freeze some of those severed heads and make some ISISicles!

by Mick Zano • August 29, 2014

Once upon a check-in, I asked for my traditional room—which is always dead, and not in any kind of a supernatural way—but the desk lady decided to upgrade me to a queen. She must have noticed my high heels. This turned out to be my ghost investigating big break, or big mistake depending on your point of BOO!

I would have to go it alone for this one, because due to my age and incongruous maturity level, it’s becoming harder to find company. Shock poll: everyone who knows me agrees with this poll. Actually, I had other business…I was squatching. Fine, I had to train a class the next day, aka, I wasn’t going to a training to sleep, I had to stand up in front of people and present stuff. This proved difficult after the Amityville-F-king-Horror I experienced the night before. WTF? This is not even a particularly haunted hotel. Try Googling Hotel St. Michael in Prescott. I dare you. There’s next to nothing on this place, it’s a veritable taBoo rasa. Heck, I just came from the Mizpah, which is tier-one haunted, this place would be lucky to make pier-one imports. This was going to be a tip toe through the banshees, or so I thought.

Tell them about the Twinkie, Ray.

There was no Twinkie! Stop that. But I have even stayed here before and slept like a…

[Alex Bone joke omitted by the editor.]

In fact, I always sleep well in haunted places, see any of my other ghost misadventures…ever. Heck, I didn’t even bring my Viewmaster for this one. I usually have Bambi in the cue if anything weird happens. It doesn’t record anything evidence-wise, but it always makes me feel safe.

This should give you some idea of how prepared I was to encounter a real entity. What makes me crazy is that I had plans for after this training. I wanted to hit: The Raven, Granite Mtn Brewery, Prescott Brewing Co., Murphy’s, The Palace, The Gurley Street Grill, The Drunken Las, Celtic Crossing, Matt’s Saloon…

Kidding! I hate Matt’s Saloon. Point being, I had shit to do, but now thanks to some bored spook I’m exhausted. According to the front desk folks, The Ghost Hunters already declared 319 haunted, well, I spent two nights alone in room 318 and ditto. But I couldn’t find any reference to this online, but here’s my two cents…and two nights. Oh, and I will never spend another night in this hotel again! Mainly, because their liberal use of the words “room damage”.

The staff claims what action this hotel does get is generally limited to the third floor, but I got no action on the third floor, despite my kick ass stilettos and fishnets. On that note:

Night One:

When I arrived back at my room around 9PM on Thursday 6/26, I started with my usual 3^rd floor walk about and captured this shot between the 2^nd and 3^rd floor.

Then I headed to my room and started clicking and clicking and clicking and nothing. Wait! Bambi’s mother died! Nothing…so I listen to some Coast to Coast AM and turn in around 11PM. I know what you’re thinking, but the episode wasn’t about ghosts. Then, I suddenly wake up swatting my shoulder as if something was there. I snap some pictures and start capturing some serious orbage. Then, like any good ghost investigator, I go back to bed.

About an hour later I have this horrible dream that I owe material for Mr. Winslow, but he can’t open any of the files I sent him. Okay, not that dream. I dreamt that I’m desperately trying to get out of this very hotel because it’s haunted and then, when I wake up, all hell breaks loose. I walk to the end of the bed and take some more pictures and there’s this cold spot. I have never experienced a cold spot. I have experienced a warm spot in a public pool, but I’m told that’s different.

Suddenly I feel wave after wave of chills and goose bumps. I don’t get goose bumps so I am wondering if this is a walk-in clinic thing or if there’s an ointment involved. I have never had such a weird feeling, so I start snapping and start getting orbs in almost every picture I take!

A montage of some of the room visitors.

Then the weirdest thing happens. I see this flare through my camera. I didn’t catch this on film—because it went by in a fraction of a second—but as the flash is cueing up, something shoots through my viewer like a meteor. I’m like, holy shit! Where is my camera man when you need him! I am wide awake now so this isn’t some semiconscious state thing and it definitely wasn’t a bug.

I try to sleep again and I’m woken up again. Now, it’s 3AM and I have to be up a 7. So, I’m like, if you’re going to keep me up all night I want a full apparition, in the mirror, or I’m going back to sleep.

It’s a pretty weak attempt, no apparition, and it’s partially on the frame. What is the deal with ghosts?

I finally say, “Look, I have to present tomorrow, you know, conduct a training so play time is over. I need to sleep. Tomorrow night I’ve got nothing but time, so for now I please go back to room 319.”

Thankfully, I slept for the last couple of hours. This was not a frightening experience for me, to put things in perspective frightening is working for Pierce Winslow, but I would describe it as unsettling. I can look through my camera and see shit that isn’t there? Yes, I stopped taking my medications, but only because the pills were helping the government hear my thoughts.

The next morning I woke up, thanked the spirits for some sleep and snapped one picture. Yep, it had an orb in it. It’s a shame the walls are white because most of these really blend in, so for all of my sleepless trouble I got a couple of dozen meh-looking-orbs (MLOs).

Night 2:

I decided to retrace my steps and actions from last night, so before lockdown I took a round of pictures around the 3^rd floor and…

Possibly the best dust particle I have ever captured on film.

The bottom one is the same orb, only enlarged. Below is what I captured in the room during night two.

So I go to bed, I tell the ghosts to do their worst and….I wake up eight hours later to my alarm. Really? Why couldn’t the ghosts stick to the script: 1. night one sleep for training, 2. night two lots of spooky haunting stuff (SHS). I send the itinerary out weeks ahead of time. Yeah, I’m talking to you, pestergeists! Keep me up and I got next to nothing to show for it, NOTHING! And, whereas I am not prepared to say I believe in ghosts at this time, this was a weird night and now picture all this happening with me in fishnets and stilettos. OK, don’t picture that, I’m losing enough fans lately.

by Mick Zano • August 21, 2014

This Day in Future History: President Perry Bombs U.N.

Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel “unfortunate collateral damage.” President Perry went on to say, “There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan “Israeli genocide”—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3…. ah …umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking.”

When further questioned about the QMT collapse, Perry said, “NYPD tapped on the tunnel five minutes before the explosion. They all received the ‘Netanyahu Knock’. Those who chose to remain in the tunnel after that time, during bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic, were in violation of the law. So the fact they were all crushed and/or drowned is on them.”

In related news, The Perry Administration has dropped all investigations on NSA spying and CIA torture in favor of a 57th special committee on Benghazi. “57 has always been my lucky number,” chuckled Perry. “There are just too many unanswered questions in 2023, questions I’m sure Vice President Cruz will come up with before the hearings.”

Perry shrugged off criticism that the combined cost of these committees have now topped the combined economies of the poorest 32 nations of the world. “Nonsense,” said Perry. “Poor countries would love to have all these special investigative hearings. They’re just jealous. Four Americans died in Benghazi and we don’t even know if Hillary ordered the attack. I don’t even think we’ve asked that one yet. Someone write that down.”

When a reporter attempted to ask a question about Global Warming, he was shot in the face by Secret Service. “Yes, we are losing coastal areas to what I am calling oceanic aggression. I’m not a scientist, but many on my side of the aisle feel tidal extremism is caused by socialism. We’re losing sand, Bernie Sanders, there’s a connection in there somewhere. We can only win the War on Water via increased fracking and the construction of the Keystone Pipeline VII. We can’t let the oceans dictate our energy choices. That’s not freedom. Besides, coal plants are now doing their part by offering free gas masks for children and our senior citizens.”

When questions turned to our nation’s economic woes, Perry said, “Obama’s global economic collapse of 2008 remains an important lesson, but with a very healthy .2%, and republicans back at the helm, shit should start trickling down any minute now.” The President then gazed toward the sky, held out his hand, and repeated, “…any minute.”

He then touted his signature legislative achievement, Trump-Limbaugh, which helped deport Obama and his family back to Kenya. He then concluded, “I don’t want people to keep complaining that since the closing of the FDA one in ten food products contain either salmonella or botulism. Think about the nine food products that don’t! Nine out of the ten is an A in Texas. And, remember, today is a great day to be an American, but today is also almost over, so please adhere to all curfew restrictions and Cruz Laws. In the name of freedom, go home and stay there. Those homeless among you should report to your nearest Reagan Shelter for processing.”

by Alex Bone • August 19, 2014

Parmesan Cheese Newest Tool in Battle Against Drug Addiction

In one of the most unexpected moves of his presidency, Barack Obama announced how America’s Drug addiction recovery funds will be transferred to a new and radical drug treatment that involves the use, and misuse of Parmesan Cheese. The FDA is now parmed and dangerous as methadone treatment centers and the like across this grate country are being supplied with high grade parmaceuticals.

The main premise: all drugs and craving will be replaced by the use of parmesan cheese. “If you used to smoke meth, now you’ll be encouraged to wean off with an 8-ball shaker of parmesan cheese,” said Dr. William Lynn, CEO of Bristol-Myers-Kraft. “If you’re hooked on heroin, now you can snort all the cheese you like on the Feds! No cops, no hassle and at nearly 100% off the street value. What a deal for everyone, especially those folks at the Cheesecake Factory.”

Vincent Drake, owner of Hidden Shadows Pharmaceuticals, was quick to adjust his company’s approach, “We’ve already created a fresh batch of products and got a Twitter page for our new line of parmaceuticals. Our mottos, Just Say Roman-No and Parmesan: the Other White Meth are being well received. We believe such parm reduction models will go a long way to winning the war on drugs.”

Field reporter Cokie McGrath added, “If you snort enough parm, you can just sneeze onto your pasta and voila’, you’re ready for dinner. Just sneeze for more cheese…I like that.”

Meth-Head-Moe felt less certain of this approach. “Maybe it’s just me, but besides the horrible burning sensation when you snort it, parmesan cheese just isn’t the same at all, man. I’m still jonesing really hard. Say, you got a couple of bucks? Otherwise I’m going to knock off a Dominos for their parm shots.”

After Zano, Ballz, and I tried some, Ballz got so sick and moved into Winslow’s bathroom, which is still three times the size of Ballz’s house. Zano just curled up into a ball and started rocking uncontrollably, which is not that dissimilar from most nights. I thought it was okay as long as you filled the bottle with macaroni first.

Time will tell if this will move our addictive hordes to less dangerous substances. Critics question whether or not this is just an insidious plot to save the American cheese farmer. Is Obama’s plan to retire in Wisconsin just a coincidence? Is there a connection between this initiative and Big Parma? Or is this another insidious plot concocted by the makers of Lipitor?

by Mick Zano • August 13, 2014

Malaysia Unveils Plans for new Global Rail System

Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated “Bus Off the Island” initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

The Malaysian government held out the most hope for their first plan, which consisted of a giant pneumatic tube system. When the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Najib Razak, was asked about the lost funding for this particular project, he said, “One large person is still wedged in the prototype. Did you ever see Willy Wonka? Remember that Augustus Gloop scene? Yeah, well this was much worse.”

The ski lift transport system lost funding almost immediately after calculations suggested the first tower would need to be twice the size of the Empire State Building for it to allow passengers to be ‘ski lifted’ safely to the closest point on Asia’s mainland.

The Malaysian government is asking for international help for this new rail system. “We really need some global cooperation on this one,” said Prime Minister Razak. “Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board, which for us means an actual drawing board, bales of pot, and endless Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner cartoons. Oh, and we should probably change the name of our capital, because it sounds a bit too much like Oompa Loompa, which could trigger too many bad memories. I can’t even watch YouTube anymore without evoking some disturbing imagery.”

by Dan Sutton • August 11, 2014

My thought for today is this:

It’s a message to some of my Facebook friends, particularly those whose posts are various self-identified Republicans…all of whom have exactly the same opinion…their party’s opinion…

Indeed, these social site wizards all have the identical position on:

God, immigration, climate change, the economy, the death penalty, the healthcare system, the education system, home ownership, taxation, big business, the legal system, NASA, the military, Iraq, Iran, 9/11, Islam, Israel, ethnic minorities, homosexuality, drugs, political campaign funding, gun laws, alternative energy, social programs, welfare, abortion and marriage.

There are simply no different positions among them and we’re talking about nearly half of the United States of fucking America. The incongruity of this can be emphasized by noting that most of the positions they take are based upon logic so twisted and faulty as to be indefensible.

This is not dissimilar to anyone who would submit an article to the Daily Discord for publication, which this is certainly is not. Meanwhile, observing these ongoing posts in Facebook-land, I’ve formed the following conclusion:

Republicans have no opinion or individualism at all—they appear to be so in need of belonging to something that they’ve abrogated any self-awareness they might ever have had—and have instead reduced themselves to reiterating the same crap over and over again, becoming indistinguishable from one another: effectively, they’ve turned into spambots, complete caricatures of one another.

I suggest, therefore, that they create a Facebook page on which they get together and post all this nonsense, so that the rest of us can unfollow it. Foxbook? Pindisinterest? I’m not a huge liberal fan either, but at least occasionally there’s some glimmer of insight from those Prius driving, do-gooders.

Take for instance, the republican argument on anthropogenic climate change. It’s not dissimilar to the religious right’s “pro life” stance, implying that those supporting the right to have abortions is “pro death”. I think you’ll find that most non-republicans, when talking about climate change, will say that there are many factors contributing to it, not all of which are understood, and that it’s entirely possible, or even probable, that it’s anthropogenic. Oh, and don’t link to that article where you say something similar to this Zano! Don’t do it!

Zano Climate Change link here.

He did it, didn’t he? BASTARD!

But to sit there and deny that man might be influencing climate change, beyond all reason, because it suits a political agenda if it isn’t, is just so pathetically idiotic…

Frankly, neither “side” is capable of realizing that reality doesn’t care what they believe: it does what it does without giving a fuck about the Republicans or the Democrats… but the idea of solving any given problem, purely on its own merits, without recourse to mind-numbing dogma has apparently eluded them all.

And don’t post one of your cartoons at the end of this either.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest

Even the GOP’s frontal lobes are toast, people. It’s that pervasive.

He did it again, didn’t he?

by Mick Zano • August 6, 2014

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.

Yes…I keep covering The GOP’s nosedive into a delusional personality disorder, because it’s a big deal. This is a condition with a very poor prognosis, both for those afflicted and their nursing home roommates. I have always felt President Clinton’s impeachment marked the moment when this extremist movement first reared its ugly talking head—a moment in time when one party turned on that fateful Batshit signal, a beacon of wrongness that has shone brightly ever since. The Issa’s of that time, not only doggedly pursued the Lewinsky scandal, but they even tried to implicate the Clintons in the death of Vince Foster. Remember that? Twenty years later and this is their norm. Coincidentally, this is also when Matt Drudge entered the scene:

“Since Matt Drudge launched his website (1997) thousands of news sites have appeared to challenge the official globalist dominated political orthodoxy, its censorship and omissions, and offer humanity a truly more balanced and less bias examination of the world.”

—Infowars.com, 7/14

Yes, Infowars, who would put their actual name next to that pile of shit? My assessment of Matt is a tad different:

“Matt Drudge birthed and fomented a sociopathic alternate political reality, the likes of which this country has never seen, and the benefits of which remain as elusive as its contribution to our political discourse.”

—Mick (not my real name) Zano

Chris Mooney over on Slate reviewed a recent John Hibbing et al (University of Nebraska) study on the link between negative bias and conservatism. Essentially this study suggests republicans can hone in on any negative tidbit and incorporate it into their worldview faster than the Flash after a case of Jolt Cola.

So where was this ‘advanced super fear’ (ASF) during the administration that brought us to the brink of ruin? ….you know, when it might have been helpful.

“The conservative ideology, and especially one of its major facets—centered on a strong military, tough law enforcement, resistance to immigration, widespread availability of guns—would seem well tailored for an underlying, threat-oriented biology.”

—Chris Mooney on Hibbing et al.

So even though everything collapsed under W, conservative types felt safer with the actions of that administration, however wrong or ill-conceived, because it was more in tune with their faulty wiring (see: Netanyahu’s actions 2014 Gaza). Hibbing’s study suggests republicans have a heightened awareness for only certain types of bad news. They have the ability to immediately hone in on that one tidbit of any given report, poll, trend, policy that supports their ideology, or can easily be twisted into such. Rightwing media coverage also panders to their fear-based mentality and their need to lash out at anything deemed foreign.

Fox News (FP4F)

Fear Porn 4 Scared Fucks

These traits worked wonderfully in the Pleistocene Era when republicans could deport saber-tooth tigers from their tribal regions with impunity (panther-way to amnesty?). Sorry.

Make no mistake, 2014 is chock full of concerning shit, but none of the real problems are even covered on Fox News. I also believe liberal bloggers are at least capable of discussing an entire concept. They report a number of facts, pro and con, on any given topic. Sure they highlight the parts that put their views and beliefs in a good light, we all do, but good liberal blogs tend to be data heavy. Take Andrew Sullivan, Jonathon Chait, Paul Waldman, Juan Cole, Kevin Drum, CNN’s Fareed Zakaria and dozens more. The republicans have nothing like them, nothing…well, they had Sullivan (why he moved left, here).

“Paris Hilton has more depth after huffing paint thinner than today’s republicans.”

—Mick Zano (today)

Their ability to shift everything into their worldview (see: Coulterian Flip) is an important part of their confirmation bias, luckily you can reuse such distortions or they would have broken them all by now. There is some good news, with the GOP’s recent mastery of confirmation bias, normalcy bias, media bias and now negativity bias, they’re well on their way to earning a 10th cognitive distortion free!

This is a hell of a time to check out of the dialogue—or, worse yet, invent a parallel one—when so much is riding on the choices our country now faces. These windows wherein we can effect real change are closing. Who am I kidding? We’ve missed more fucking windows than Stevie Wonder in Amsterdam’s red light district.

On that note, I asked Dr. Kwela to weigh in:

Timothy Leary, long recognized as an LSD guru, was previous to that honor known for his work in Interpersonal Psychology (IP). In IP, a relationship does not exist within either of any of the parties involved, but rather exists as a separate entity, in essence hovering in the space, or interpersonal circumplex, between the dyad or within the group. In other words, it takes two to Tango, and if you change partners, you may find yourself shifting instantaneously and unconsciously from the Tango into doing the Rhumba, possibly Break-dancing, participating in a threesome, or even mud wrestling. The circumplex is mapped on bipolar axes: A) power, control, status; and 2) warmth, friendliness, solidarity. If two people find themselves at the junction of the axes, the dance is likely to move to the bedroom (metaphorically speaking); however, if the positions of the parties move significantly away from one another, and especially toward the opposing far corners of the graph paper, bullets may fly (literally).

My take on this, when applied to politics – and particularly conservative politics – is that the right wing has carved out its niche at (or better yet, painted itself into) a corner of the circumplex that we might generously describe as faux dominant truculence. A dog trainer with such a disposition would have no work and no dog. A cashier, no cash. A poll dancer, no grasp. Those on the right have ignored Kant’s suggestion that we should act as if the principle of our action should be made universal law. They have scorned Schopenhauer’s observation that compassion is the basis of morality. They have forgotten (or never learned) the important concepts from the Enlightenment, from which the motivation to write the Declaration of Independence blossomed. Rather, they have adopted the most primitive linguistic structure imaginable built on a bizarre collection of frothy arcane blips issued by Ronald Reagan, Ayn Rand, and the Taliban.

I must go belch now.

Dr. Kwela juluka

I suffered from a bout of faux dominant truculence myself, but a gastroenterologist really helped. Actually, I think Sullivan refers to this as Chicken Hawk conservatism a phenomenon only deepening with the unchecked support of Israel’s actions in Gaza. And I immediately thought of the border crisis when you mentioned Schopenhauer’s compassion. What are the deaths of children on our border if such deaths can be turned to political advantage? Republicans believe some Machiavellian return to power would be its own reward, but what are they basing this on? Certainly not recent history.

Oh, and I thought the term integral psychology was coined by Ken Wilber. Shows what I know. An overview of some other GOP thought distortions, here, and my diagnosing of the Grand Old Party here.

With so few successes, why is the Fox Nation still relevant?

Good question. There remains a strong, albeit misguided, tenacity on the right. Republicans are united in their hatred for liberal causes, which gives them strength. However, their inability at course corrections is a huge detriment and is, at least in part, why I don’t think the GOP will win the senate in the midterms, even though the odds are currently greatly stacked in their favor.

Cognitive dissonance used to be limited to their inability to accurately predict outcomes, but now there’s mounting dissonance within their own party. How do they absorb all of this? The GOP’s candidates are all over the map, yet somehow they remain one Fox Nation. There’s a marked difference between establishment RINOs v. Tea Partiers on economic issues and a monster disparity between neocons v. isolationists on foreign policy, yet, even when republicans are more splintered than Pinocchio’s call-girl, they still manage to hold onto a stronger base than liberals. See, you lazy hipsters! This is why we can’t have nice things! The only thing you Pabst drinking Portlandians can Occupy is, well, this said it best:

We are Discord!

We occupy space

The right’s successful use of cognitive distortions are clearly part of their ‘strategery’. I would back a Rand Paul over a neocon any day, but it’s a moot point; he won’t be their nominee. He doesn’t fit into either the wrong or wronger part of The GOP. He’s a bit of an anomaly.

“One part Rand, one part fiction, they’re a voting contradiction.”

—Aynrandonmous

If Paul somehow does win the nomination in 2016, the republicans will have made a seamless 180˚ transition from Hannibal to Neville Chamberlain, without missing a single victorious news cycle. It’s all part of my Zen Wrongness theory (post soon). But a Rand Paul nomination would signal a huge rebuke to the neocon wing of the party, but it would be a quiet coup, devoid of any recognition of past ills. Fox is never having to say you’re Stossel. Sorry.

As I’ve mentioned before, you can run a story every day for a decade highlighting every person displeased with their Obamacare coverage, but it doesn’t change the fact twice as many people are happier with their coverage, here, and ten million more are covered, here, and it’s bringing down overall healthcare costs, here and here. You know, the polar opposite of everything republican’s predicted. This can be broken down similarly for every issue. For instance, a judge just recently ruled that, outside of human error, there’s no widespread voter fraud in the U.S., here, but that won’t stop the GOP from covering each of our estimated .01 instances of voter fraud. It won’t change the final number, but it will dupe some dopes.

I will not deny Fox News is having a real impact on reality. Winning! The Sean Hannitys and the Matt Drudges of the world have successfully wrestled the microphones away from the Cronkites and—

[Megaphony joke omitted by the editor]

You can’t omit my last joke, Winslow!