Las Vegas, NV—The City of Las Vegas was scrutinized last week when the Mayor of Sin City, Carolyn Goodman, suggested using her citizens as guinea pigs “to get the dice rolling,” so to speak, on what many are calling a case of premature reinstate-tiation. She didn’t exactly refer to Vegas as America’s guinea pig, but rather “the Flamingos in the Golden Nugget mine.” The Governor’s first plan, aka Casheen-o Royale, involved three phases: gambling-only for seven days, followed by the reintroduction of booze on week two, and finally, the pièce-of-ass de ré·sis·tance, social-distancing prostitution, or SDP on week three (not to be confused with that other associated acronym). Long Dong Silver is the only VIP member to give the go ahead for phase III and, despite the Governor’s office working long and hard on this one, the idea was eventually scrapped in favor of Operation Covid Roulette, in which only the first part of everything in Vegas that consists of two of the same name can reopen.

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Tython—By all Wookiepedia accounts, the Jedi homeworld is way ahead of the galactic curve in preparing for the return of football this coming fall. Mastering social distance cheerleading is a small, but critical step in the return to football normalcy—a normalcy hinged on the existence of the force, a cosmic power that binds all matter to allow for the perfecting of an important form of telekinetic, motivational gymnastics.

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Tweet Tower—With the coronavirus ravaging our prison system, the WH, in conjunction with the DOJ, reasoned it would be safer if Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, and his former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, returned safely into the fold. Critics claim this is further proof of the president’s cronyism or an attempt to derail their tell-all-books slated for publication. The WH is already calling this ‘Fake Books’ and pointed to the absurdity of someone in Trump’s inner-circle having the ability to read and/or write. President Trump said, “Don’t worry, every day I’ll make them pee in a cup. Not sure why, but Putin says if I send both pee tapes to him, he’ll send the original video of mine back to pee …to me.”

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Washington—Those close to Joe Biden claim he is very close to choosing someone who will be very close to him, a running mate. Many are concerned, however, that each time he narrows down the field, they’re always different choices and some aren’t even people. Last week he told his campaign manager, “I got it down to three: Citizen Z, Lassie, or Stephen Colbert, but the one from Jon Stewart, not the one currently on late night.”

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Undisclosed Location—Every meth lab will be receiving something extra from the government this week to help them through the hard times. Many small businesses are receiving bailouts, so why not support the very engines running our rural communities? Hours after President Trump gutted any oversight for the latest two trillion-dollar stimulus bill, he announced several controversial decisions, not the list of which was the addition of meth labs to the list of small businesses eligible for a stimulus. In fact, those packages should be arriving several days earlier than any of the other ones, and they can temporarily help curb the sensation of tiny bugs crawling under your skin. An additional 100-billion is also slated for the president’s own administration after he officially designated it a disaster area earlier today.

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Tweet Tower—Director of the National Economic Council, Larry Kudlow, sidestepped his comments back in February 25th, otherwise known as: “We have contained this. I won’t say airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight, and while the outbreak is a human tragedy, it will likely not be an economic tragedy.” I guess he meant to say ‘airborne.’ Oh, and I added the italics because I learned how to do that recently. Instead of defending his recent comments, Mr. Kudlow shifted his focus to Ivanka Trump’s breasts, asking her, “We all know your father prefers big breasts, dear, so was he ever encouraging you to augment your boobages?” Yes, one of our top economic gurus used the word boobages.

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