Zano is trying to label me as a Republican Fundamentalist. I am neither. However I do hold to the fundamental principles found in the Constitution and the Catholic faith. I can’t say that I disagree with Zano’s last post because, as usual, the scant specifics he offers come in the form of ‘knock knock’ jokes. If wit truly is “educated insolence” than let’s educate Zano, so someday his wit reaches some level of relevance. Many Americans have learned to doubt the facts the ‘experts’ espouse, because so often their facts have fallen short. One such Obama Administration fact is this, “The average family would annually save 2,500 under Obamacare.” See Zano, that’s a specific? It’s a specific claim that has proven to be false.
News & Politics
News & Politics
Perpetually Wrong Gather To Mock Historic Iran Agreement
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—On the eve of the historic Iran nuclear agreement, a deal very few thought possible, our republican fiends were quick to gather in their Fox bunker to commence with Operation Ridicule. Don’t our 2nd Amendment rights demand we use them on Iran, right now? Think about it, Obama used sanctions, a computer virus and words to keep Iran from obtaining a nuke. What a pussy. It’s almost as bad as when Assad turned over all of his WMDs for the price of a few phone calls. Verizon Weaponless?
Software Programmers Working Diligently On Likeable Personality for Hillary Clinton
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Whenever Hillary Clinton is placed in a situation that involves other people, she continues to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Some of Clinton’s awkwardness, at least in part, may well be a result of the ‘testing phase’ of several sophisticated new personality software programs. Clinton’s IT team has obtained a Google-emotion technology patent, which will ultimately allow Hillary to change her personality based on circumstance on the ground, in real time, by utilizing both available data bases and user information.
Project Leader Matt Narrows explains, “Although this may not be evident from her recent interviews, public appearances are helping us move toward a fully adaptable and functional presidential personality by early 2016.”
Is Climate Change Killing off Our Japanese Monsters?
by Mick Zano •
Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.
Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.
The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.
Sanders To Equally Distribute Campaign Contributions To Other Candidates
by Mick Zano •
Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.
Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.
In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.
Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”
Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101
by Mick Zano •
While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.
God Sends Massive Storm to Ohio after Governor’s Decision to Run For President
by Mick Zano •
Columbus, OH—Shortly after Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy, God summoned a low pressure system designed to punish him. God is basing his wrath on the two-term Governor’s decision to expand Medicaid and other shortsighted budgetary measures. The state capital, Columbus, was at the center of God’s wrath this weekend and the almighty is warning, “There’s more where that came from!”
The Supreme Being told reporters, “Thou shalt not spend. Remember that one! Yeah, well it should have been in there but Moses could only carry two tablets. They were made of stone, you know. Bottom line, this is exactly what the people of Sodom and Hussein did before I laid waste to that entire shithole of a town.”
The reporter who tried to correct God was immediately struck by lightning—an incident God is calling “an unfortunate coincidence.”
Pope To Be Detained Should He Ever Set Foot on Floridian Soil
by Mick Zano •
Tampon Bay, FL—Incensed by The Pope’s comments on Climate Change, Governor Rick Scott is now on the warpath. According to the Governor’s orifice, The Pope is in clear violation of his “Shhhh, Don’t Mention Climate Change, Just Keep Building Shit Inland” initiative.
Radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I believe the Vatican is very close to getting the bomb. And I will have nun of that…Get it? I don’t know about this new guy, Pope Benedict the Arnold. He obviously has connections to liberal sympathizers, who obviously have connections to the Muslim Brotherhood. So do the delusional math, people! Last time I was in church the priest was swinging around this smoking metal ball. That could take out a few rows of pews if weaponized. Hell, if that’s not a smoking gun I don’t know what is. What else is the clergy hiding under those bulletproof vestments? In fact, I believe the Vatican has acquired Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction.”