News & Politics

First Truly Bipartisan Action! Flame Retardant Dropped Into Trumps Mouth

by Mick Zano • August 24, 2015

New York, NY—Bipartisanship is currently rampant on Capitol Hill. The 114th Congress is starting to coalesce around some key Donald-related-issues. Republicans are motivated to derail the Trump candidacy and Democrats just want to put an end to the incessant Trump-induced nausea (ITIN). John Cornyn, R-Texas, said, “If we all work together, not only could we kill this abomination of a campaign, but we could end the queasiness associated with Trump’s voice. Look, this job is sickening enough without the gorge-rising antics of The Trumpster. I only want to vomit the way Lord Reagan envisioned, after stripping government funding from those most in need.”

Diverting flame retardant from California onto The Donald’s face is not without its critics. “I want Trump to shut the F-up as much as the next guy,” said Congressman Adam Schiff, D-CA, “but that retardant could have saved homes in the town of Weed, CA, or even saved weed in the town of Homes, CA.”

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by Mick Zano • August 22, 2015

mormon2 Salt Lake City, UT—Since the Boy Scouts of America’s decision to allow openly gay children into their fold, the Mormon Church threatened to outright sever relations. After lengthy negotiations rivaling the State Department’s Iran deal, the two organizations have reached an agreement. Mormons are allowed to enrich uranium for peaceful purposes, provided they allow the international community to inspect their magic underwear. Wait, what?

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by Mick Zano • August 16, 2015

Batshit Rouge, LA—Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, is still not happy about missing the not-ready-for-prime-time republican debacle—er, debate. Fox News chose only the top ten contenders for this event, via their own questionable polling system. This left “Bobby” Jindal an outcast, wandering the country aimlessly.

At a press conference today Jindal held up a Spinal Tap T-shirt that read Our Debaters Should Go To Eleven. “I am going to war with the RNC!” said Jindal. “I will attack them with this large knife, with the back edge all serrated like. What do they call those? Anyway, you think Trump is terrorizing this circus, wait until they get a load of me.” He then started manically laughing and yelling, “Bring me The Batman. Bring me The Donald, hah, hah, hah!”

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by Mick Zano • August 13, 2015

I read your response to Jon Stewart’s departure this week in Slate and it’s telling…it’s telling me move to Canada! It’s another Clue it was Roger Ailes in the Liebrary with the candle schtick. It shouldn’t be news to anyone that you’re the real the culprit here. Speaking of news, you should try some, instead of whatever the hell you’re doing over on Fox. You said Jon Stewart didn’t make a “dent” in your kingdom, but what about your ultimate goal? You desperately want another likeminded sociopath in the White House, or at least some other Rube-io to push your twisted agenda. This is where Stewart and Co. have robbed you of something. You already know this, don’t you?

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by Mick Zano • August 10, 2015

Washington, DC—Donald Trump is getting a bump in the polls today after he shoved a baby carriage down a stairwell. The incident left one woman angry and one toddler in cynical condition. Shortly after his presidential debate, Trump, allegedly told a woman she looked like something from a horror movie and then pushed her stroller over a precipice. According to witnesses, The Donald yelled, “Remember the Untouchables?! This is like a reenactment. Get it, you skank?!”

Trump remains unapologetic about the incident and is not backing down from his comments. “I meant what I said. I loved the movie The Untouchables and that woman was kind of a skank. It’s not sexists if it’s true.”

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by Mr. Sherman • August 6, 2015

The first Republican debates will be held later today in Cleveland. Yes, you heard right, home of the Drew Carey Show and the Cleveland Browndians. Sorry I don’t follow sports, especially in Ohio. The debate will be hosted by Fox News and only the top ten polling candidates are invited to play. I plan to break each winner into a separate feature, but first let’s look at all of these folks and the rhetoric that makes them great…for a comedy site. Some fear that no meaningful discourse can result from having ten people on a debate stage, which is a ridiculous view. It’s a republican debate, people! …when has there ever been any meaningful discourse?

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by Mick Zano • August 5, 2015

Grafting together a hodgepodge of red tissue and dead issues, the rightwing media has spent the better part of the 21^st century galvanizing an angry zombie army of the politically clueless. This faction has a new leader, but the monster of their own creation has officially lurched off the table, broken down the castle door, and is apparently golfing in Scotland. People of Scotland: please monitor all little girls sitting near ponds or wells. At the moment, there’s only one person who controls the republican bubble and it’s alive…It’s ALIVE!!!!!

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by Mick Zano • July 29, 2015

Hollywood, CA—The premise of the Naked and Verklempt series strands two naked Hasidic Jews on a deserted island each week to test their survival prowess. Sadly, a Discovery Channel spokesman announced today that both contestants from episode one had died within 48-hours. The producer of the show, Matt Narrows, said, “We’re really sorry about the deaths, but really happy they signed those waivers. We are not looking at this as a failure, because it was a damn entertaining 48-hours for all involved…uh, the deceased and their families excluded.”

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by Mick Zano • July 26, 2015

I actually enjoyed your last post, Pokey. After all, republican moments of lucidity are becoming increasingly rare, like trans fats. My concern is how you keep missing the main points of our time. You intend to vote R in 2016, yet you’ve failed to notice how the likes of Donald Trump has your party slated for extinction? Mastodonalds? Oh, I see your point, Donald Trump: the “family values” candidate. The Republican Party is no more, my friend. It has expired and gone to meet its Super PAC. It’s voted out its mortal coil, run over the polling station and joined the bleedin’ choir intolerant!! …THIS is an Ex-Party!!

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by Mick Zano • July 24, 2015

Clearlake, CA— Earlier today a massive wildfire consumed the last water in California. Governor Jerry Brown declared a state of emergency…from Seattle. Witnesses describe Clear Lake as disappearing amidst a fiery inferno of steamy evaporation. This picture was taken right before the fire tornado expanded and swept over the lake, sucking up sharks, wine bars, and countless creatures on Nancy Pelosi’s endangered species list.

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