News & Politics

Mr. Peanut Targets Peanut Allergy Meetup During Act Of Domestic Animism

by Mick Zano • August 8, 2020

Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”

[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]

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by Mick Zano • July 15, 2020

Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”

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by Mick Zano • June 3, 2020

Over Memorial Day weekend I made the mistake of debating members of the family still laboring with the misapprehension that the republican ideology is a thing. For some context, we’ve danced around meaningful discourse for nearly a decade, but for this round I just wanted to convey one final point, namely, we’re past the point of no return for our courts, our constitution, our environment and our economy, so things are about to get much worse for this country on a variety of fronts and, although I love ya’ll, I’m with the North. Or, if you prefer a more schnitzely analogy, I’m with Herr, which was Hindenburg’s 1932 slogan. This is far beyond a covid thing, folks, for those late to the party it’s more of a me-circe-2004-thing. And, yes, I will no longer defend republican thought or even known republican-sympathizers. Yeah, I know the opposite is occurring right now across this country, but I long for the days of a smarter, more progressive fascism. Speaking of which, why is our Attorney General now targeting Latifah anyway? It’s such a confusing world.

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by Mick Zano • June 2, 2020

Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and break shit responsibly.“

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by Mick Zano • May 29, 2020

Tweet Tower–Second quarter employment numbers are expected to rise considerably after Twitter announced the hiring of 72K new employees to fact check the president in real time. Twitter is optimistic the new workforce, dedicated entirely to the president’s twitter account, can keep flagging falsehoods tweeted as they appear. The president is reportedly happy about unemployment numbers but outraged by the actions of the social media platform’s targeting of his own account. He vows to bring down “#you’re fired and fury” on the company, and warned, “Remember what happened to MySpace after they pissed me off? And that was when I was just a citizen crime boss, not a president crime boss.”

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by Mick Zano • May 26, 2020

As our DOJ becomes an extension of the imperial presidency and Trump’s incompetence in the face of the current crisis drives us ever closer to ruin, what exactly drove the republican brain toward such spectacular folly? This concept has plagued me over the years, much like Bluetooth. Paranoia is a key ingredient in the conservative batshit soup. The wind beneath their cheeks? In the book American Conspiracy Theories, two political scientists out of the University of Miami wrestled with the rarity of the party in control maintaining such a high level of suspiciousness. They claim paranoid conspiracy theories are usually relegated to the disenfranchised, under-represented losers of any given election. The GOP’s ongoing reliance on Illuminatiesque subplots as the party in power is almost unprecedented. During the impeachment hearings, in true Goebbles fashion, several republican senators attacked the prosecution for attacking their own party’s fixation on irrelevant scandals. Had Hunter Biden been forced to testify, his appearance would have actually rewarded Trump’s bad behavior and made the Senate itself complicit in his crimes. Why address this reality anymore, when you can create an alternate one? So maintaining a nonsensical level of paranoia comes with some clear fringe benefits …from the same fringe poised to steal your benefits.

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by Mick Zano • May 21, 2020

South of the Mordor—After abandoning his stint of self-hydroxychyquarantine, President Trump is back on the campaign trail! Before visiting the even-lower-48, the president rallied to the backdrop of endless hordes of Orcs, Trolls, and Wargs in the very shadow of Mt. Doom. By all accounts, this Middle-Earth rally drew the largest crowds Trump has ever assembled. Unfortunately, anyone sent to calculate actual crowd size was disemboweled and/or eaten. Trump himself offered his own assessment, “This event dwarfed the whole thing with the dwarves. It was YUGE! Forget dwarves, it was like those things bigger than dwarves …FAT DWARVES!! #MorbidlyOberon.”

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by Mick Zano • May 18, 2020

So hold on Fox & Friends, I’m supposed to be sad about the supposed railroading of former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn? You know, the semi-treasonous, perjuristic, Logan’s Run-act-esque, compromised-as-hell Trumpster, who’s probably still covering for the worst president in history? Fine, the worst president in history was James Buchanan. And, yes, I predicted that Old Buck would pay a steep political price for ignoring the growing polarization in 1858, right here on The Discord—back in those days you had to etch your words onto the laptop screen with a chisel. And schools didn’t close for a lousy pandemic, hell, for the black plague I had to bring in a rat for show & tell. Need I remind our republican friends, they are the ones who consistently appoint the strictest judges, pass our strictest laws, and are always the first to forfeit our liberties for security (sung to the tune of Lock Her Up). Post 9/11, you folks handed every tool in the shed to our intelligence community and now you complain about it when it uncovers both foreign interference and domestic liars?

Fun Fact: When William Barr is done revamping the DOJ, he will only sharpen and hone said tools for the New Republican, and he will then start carving up any perceived political threats like an X-mas goose (War on Christmas joke sold separately).

For those innocent-until-proven-guilty folks …uh, Flynn was found guilty, in fact, he pleaded down to lying to the Feds for “cooperating.” All sales are final, unless you’re a Trump goon. The US would be better served following my simple guideline: innocent until proven republican.

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by Mick Zano • May 10, 2020

Tweet Tower—By now I’m sure you’ve all heard Obama’s ‘leaked’ opinions on the Michael Flynn-effect, and Trump’s “absolute chaotic disaster” of a pandemic response. What finds me on the gobsmacked side of flummoxed is how we, as a country, have entered late-stage democracy with hardly a footnote. We were never going to survive a minor crisis under a republican leadership, let alone a major one, and I would suggest draining the swamp a bit but, now, seeing as how we’ve become fully acclimated Wetland ‘Murican Dwellers (WMDs), such a move would likely leave us all high-n-dry. I used to think the rot could no longer be removed from the republican party, but now I don’t believe you can remove the rot from the good old US of A. But enough about the demise our country, what I find more intriguing is all these SPAM commercials on television lately. Have you noticed? Does it already contain people parts? …you know, to more effectively wean us onto Soylent products? I think it’s a terrible idea. Republicans will never go for anything called Soylent Green, so how about: Soylent Coal, It’s Sheeple.

[Cornholed beef hash joke fried by the editor.]

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