News & Politics

God Pulls Plug On Cruz Candidacy

by Mick Zano • September 24, 2015

Heaven—God is reportedly “furious” with Senator Ted Cruz’s recent political antics. As Cruz delivered a speech on the virtues of clean Tar Sands earlier today, God disrupted the proceedings with a blinding flash of Photoshopped light. God then commanded: “Thou shalt retire from politics indefinitely!” The almighty later told reporters he was not impressed with the Texas Senator’s recent debate performance or his fantasy football picks. God then sent an official Notice of Tablet to Cruz Headquarters, certified mail, within the required time frames.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 21, 2015

Damascus, SY—The global community is questioning the motives and the implications of Russia’s increased military involvement in Syria. Russia and Syria have always had strong ties but now Russian President Vladimir Putin is building a military base in the heart of Damascus. When asked if there is more to Putin’s strategy than simply combating ISIS, Putin shrugged, “I have so few political adversaries left I haven’t kill—uh, beaten at the polls—that I’ve decided on a little Hunger Games, Moscow-style.”

After answering several questions Putin mounted his dragon stead, Ivan, and is headed to Syria for victims. When asked about the name Ivan, Putin said, “I have named him Ivan Drago. He was the boxer from Rocky II also known as Death From Above. Remember that? In the Russian version of this movie he knocks Rocky Balboa’s head clean off the top of his spine. It’s epic and a more accurate outcome.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 17, 2015

The GOP is a political party like Spinal Tap is a rock band. Hey, and now their crazies really do go to 11. But how about that feisty Fiorina performance, eh? I have to give her some credit but, amidst that Reagan love-fest, frankly anyone could have done that to her hair. But was that supposed to be a debate? Frodo got the One Ring to Mount Doom faster than that monstrosity. Yikes. Why do you need three hours to discuss nothing? …Seinfeld managed that in a half an hour each week. Still, I am sure this will go down in the annals of history next to Hitchens V Galloway, Socrates V Glaucon, or even Palin V Cleese during the Argument sketch. No it won’t. Yes it will. Quiet you!

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 15, 2015

whydotheyfearaliensso much

Washington, DC—After chugging a warm pitcher of Pabst, Buzz Aldrin burped the national anthem and Senator Ted Cruz took the podium at the 3rd annual NASA bake-sale. “Since 2009 there continues to be a disproportionate increase in NASA’s funding for the earth sciences,” said Cruz. “This makes no sense as Earth is the opposite of space. Duh. And do you have any idea how much tax payer money is wasted each year keeping those four little Alpha Centurians alive over in Area 51? Oh, wait, that’s classified. Can you bleep that part out? I don’t want those MIBs on my ass again. They’re worse than socialists.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 12, 2015

How do republicans remain so oblivious of their own demise? As far as I can figure, they’re so mad at the establishment they plan to suck even more. W’s IQ was among the lowest of any president and Trump is estimated to be even lower, here. I predicted a deterioration, but even I can’t believe how far south of Bush these people have come, the political taint, if you will. Under a republican president we were never going to have healthcare cost containment, we were never going to have an Iran deal, and we were never going to have a recovery in the first place. At minimum we’d be at war with Iran and at maximum our planet would be a radioactive ball of dust. Your candidates belong in a circus, not in the Oval Office. Kidding, circus people are talented.

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 10, 2015

Santa’s Workshop, NP—A Bumble, best known for his tree-trimming prowess in the children’s classic Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer, is dead at 93. The loveable white monster was a favorite among visitors to the frozen north. Kris Kringle is reportedly “furious” and plans to banish the elf to the land of Misfit Toys. When a reporter pointed out how the elf is not actually a toy, Claus said, “He’ll look like Pinocchio after a Saw when I’m done with the little bastard. I knew when he stopped making toys to pursue a career in dentistry, something was amiss. Who does that? Especially with malpractice insurance these days?”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • September 4, 2015

the-godfather-1972-movie-poster-donald-trump The emergence of a Trump, or someone like him, was predictable. I know I’ve been a little hard on my republican friends over the last 10K posts but, to the Discord’s credit, Pokey and I tried a “bridging gaps” approach to politics long ago. We’ve both been keenly aware of our media’s demise and our polarizing trajectory. Despite our best efforts, here we aren’t. Pokey is now a AM radio-listening Limbaughite and I’m now entertaining the idea of endorsing Bernie “Socialist” Sanders. No polarization going on here… It’s sad really, when you stop to blog about it.

“I am rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say about me, it sucks to be you.”

—Donald Trump

READ MORE ->

by Mr. Sherman • September 3, 2015

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • August 28, 2015

Washington, DC—Elizabeth Warren admitted to the press today that when Vice President Joe Biden asked her to be his running mate, “Shit got a little weird.” Biden is considering Warren as a potential running mate, but he chose to pop the question to her amidst his own raucous Hawaiian-themed nudist pot party.

The released photo, above, has many believing this ticket is already dead on arrival. When Elizabeth Warren was questioned about her fashion faux pa, a hand shaped bra, she said, “Look, I either get a bra with Biden’s hands already fondling me, or I have to contend with the genuine article. I was choosing the lesser of two evils. For the next party I just need to CYA, if you follow.”

READ MORE ->

by Mick Zano • August 25, 2015

The Discord is falling a bit short of endorsing Hillary Clinton. Truth be told I am not Ready For Hillary, nor am I convinced Bernie Sanders can win the general election. So here I sit in no-candidate land, Biden my time. Voting for Hillary seems a tad masochistic to me, thus the Death Star imagery. Sure it’s entertaining to watch The GOP implode, but 2016 is by no means a gimme for the Dems, nor is a Hillary Administration necessarily the best thing for America. The republican base is small but rabid, so approach Trump’s comb-over hair-weave thing with caution. As we approach this election cycle, Dems also beware as the S.S. Hillary is listing to port:

“This incessant republican witch hunt, coupled with a personality that makes John Kerry seem like that Dos Equis guy, could be a death knell for the Clinton candidacy.”

READ MORE ->