News & Politics

Children Of The Corny Turning On Trump? Will Iowa Be Trump’s Waterloo?

by Mick Zano • October 31, 2015

Halloween 2015 finds Donald Trump spooked and crashing back to Earth like Wild E. Coyote meets Icarus meets a certain David Bowie movie. Polls show Ben Carson topping Trump as much as 14% in the state that holds the first key challenge. The Donald is hoping to change his fortunes there, but as he tours through the heartland many of the locals are demanding he, “Go back to Las Altantic, you moran!” and, “We’re voting for the neurosturgeon, dummy!” These are typically accompanied by other encouraging shouts for Ben Carson, in the form of racial slurs. Most of these tend to take the form of Blazing Saddles quote variations, such as: “The new sheriff is a neurosturgeon” and “Lookee here, boys, where all the white voters at?” It typically gets worse after happy hour.

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by Mick Zano • October 26, 2015

We’ve perseverated on this Libyan tragedy for so long that today, I would like to shift gears and celebrate Benghazi. Not the dead people part, but the ramifications. Your dogged fixation on this unfortunate event has created some wonderful fodder over the years and, like it or not, it’s only acted to solidify Madame President’s chances. This has always been a bitch hunt, but one you were destined to lose. Hillary’s a little more Mentalist to your mental. The GOP is so lost in their own delusions, I knew they would mess this up. Hillary has not only “lost more sleep” on this issue than the lot of you, she’s smarter than the lot of you. She’s a Sherlock to your Inspector Clouseau. The Pink Pantsuit? Now, thanks to this latest farce, Hillary is on a roll and I’m afraid The GOP is pretty much toast.

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by Mick Zano • October 19, 2015

I think Trump is saying his immigration policies could have prevented Benghazi. Sometimes it’s tough to interpret stupideze. Retraction: it’s always tough interpreting stupideze. Republican leadership is warning The Donald that he better start sticking to the script, after all, republicans only have one script (Flesch-Kincaid grade level 3).

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by Mick Zano • October 18, 2015

When George W. Bush guessed history would compare him to Truman, I knew he was smoking crack. Kidding, he would have ‘presidented’ much better on crack. While he was banking on the whole eventually-history-will-dig-me premise, I knew he would ultimately be compared to Kim Kardashian (at least gluteuphorically). I believe that’s a Palin-drome. Meanwhile, Obama clearly has a fighting chance at the Truman Show. Granted, most of his cards are resting in the Iran nuke-basket—a basket that could mushroom at any moment. Khrushchev at ground zero? Sorry, it’s a Weird Al joke.

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by Mick Zano • October 10, 2015

Burlington, VT—Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) told The Discord today he supports both medical marijuana and the decriminalization of cannabis. Senator Sanders is also open to the recreational use of marijuana for the strict purpose of increasing the creativity of a certain group of spoof news bloggers, “who really seem to suck without it.”

Sanders told reporters, “I have read The Discord’s material with and without marijuana and there’s only one way to enjoy their quirky brand of political humor. I have carefully studied the research on cannabinoid creativity enhancers (CCEs) and (cough) without legalization these guys are going tits up. To be blunt about blunts, they need to smoke more pot and so do their readers.”

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by Mick Zano • October 9, 2015

Washington, DC—Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) dropped a bombshell earlier this week and all but admitted the Benghazi investigations were a political ruse, designed to hurt Hillary Clinton politically. Since then many questions about these committees are surfacing. What were republicans really doing behind closed doors during all those meetings with all that Kleenex and lotion? If it was a circle jerk on the taxpayers dime, as many believe, doesn’t that fly in the face of conservative values?

“Nothing flew in anyone’s face,” insisted Senator John Q. Republican, “That would be gross. Look, we may not be very good at reaching across the aisle, but under no circumstances do we do the ‘reach around’. We are all well respected members of Congress so we have people for that.”

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by Mick Zano • October 5, 2015

It’s not this scandal that’s pissing me off, it’s the coverage of this scandal. Sorry, there’s no such thing as egregious price-gouging in the pharmaceutical industry. Have you Googled the pharmaceutical industry? …you know, since The Google was invented? Have you purchased a newer non-generic medication lately? Ask your doctor if a reverse mortgage for aspirin is right for you. What’s a 5,000% markup between friends, eh? Do the math, people. Seriously, I can’t. I have a liberal arts degree. When people say the words predatory-capitalism, I believe one of those words is superfluous.

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by Mick Zano • October 3, 2015

Why complain, republicans? You got it pretty good. Your Senators from places like Montana and South Dakota carry the same weight as their counterparts in New York and California. Then, when population does matter, you’ve gerrymandered every district into oblivion. Nice. Oh, and you won the Senate because no one save the old, white and angry even votes in the midterms. This week your current frontrunner broke the Politifact Meter, which isn’t easy to do as it’s a cartoon image. The less your candidates mention the truth, the higher they poll. Good work if you can get it. Even your spiritual leader has no idea what the hell you people are doing, so where does this false confidence come from? Most people have to garner a series of successes before they gain such confidence. Republicans remain forever sure of their next predictions and their next policies despite having a track record that makes Fat Albert look like Usain Bolt.

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by Pierce Winslow • September 29, 2015

Recently The Discord has fallen below its usual high level of journalistic excellence. As CEO I have identified the problem as the general weed availability in the Flagstaff area. Too much or too little has yet to be determined. In our recent Putin Syria coverage, we implied the Russian fighter was the adversary from Rocky II when actually he was from Rocky IV. On a similar note, I don’t know what XVX even means numerically. We have had so many apologies over the years I can no long count that high in roman numerals. I believe Rocky XVX fought Cthulhu, right? I would fire Zano, but in the past this has only proven to further Miltonize him. On a related note, I want my stapler back.

In retrospect, I should have sent Alex Bone to the Vikings Lives Matter rally instead of Cokie McGrath…

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by Mick Zano • September 28, 2015

jebtrumpfeatire I think the GOP is self-harming again, which may require an inpatient hospitalization. When one self-harms, it initially provides feelings of relief, but ultimately it’s going to leave a mark. Donald Trump is that mark. He represents their anger, primarily with themselves. He is their collective cry for help. The Donald is their way of blowing off some steam and regulating their—who am I kidding? Self-harming teenage girls are more stable than these buffoons. Oh, and I found a test for Borderline Personality Disorder. Do you want to guess how our 21^st century republicans fare? Yep, we’re talking the Full Lohan.