Nowhere, AZ—A local meter maid disappeard under mysterious circumstances yesterday afternoon. She was later found stuffed like a pinatta with her own parking ticket pad. Police are questioning everyone in the town in alphabetical order. Breaking news: all police questioning will occur in reverse alphabetic order since a person named Zano submitted this story for publication. Officials are claiming Zano had a motive as he recieved a parking ticket only hours prior to the incident. Since the infraction occured at the corner of Beaver and Cherry, many are wondering if other charges are pending.
News & Politics
News & Politics
Turkey Starts WWIII On Thanksgiving!
by Mick Zano •
Putin Unleashes The Dogs Of War
Moscow—To the dismay of billions, Turkey has ironically chosen Thanksgiving to end the world. With tensions already high, Turkish Prime Minster Ahmet Davutoğlu raised the ante. He mooned Russian President Vladimir Putin before letting fly a barrage of inappropriate gestures and sounds a la the French-taunter scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. As a result the Russian Bear is on the prowl. Since Turkey is a member of NATO, Obama immediately drew a metaphorical red line in the sand, before being whisked away by the Secret Service to a secure location…to golf.
Obama’s Reluctance To Get Troops Killed For No Reason “Intolerable”
by Mick Zano •
The cries for Obama to resign for his foreign policy impotence grows deafening. At last week’s G-20 Summit, the Prez expressed his overarching strategy to combat terrorism, albeit unenthusiastically. I share his Low-T response. But why the militaristic sad face? …well, Reagan’s efforts to quell the Soviet Union helped create al-Qaeda and Bush’s efforts in Iraq helped create ISIS. Oh, and no one living in the Middle East really understands the borders we created for them and, worse still, republicans don’t either. Despite these facts, Fox and friends are chomping at the bit to create the next more powerful incarnation of evil. They also insist we accomplish this dubious goal with our own bombs, our own lives and our own treasure. Winning! Sorry, but Democrats will never frame this conflict as a holy war, not because they can’t grasp current events, they simply refuse to be tools for ISIS. Speaking of tools…
“If we don’t get more vets injured in battle, the lines at Walter Reed are risk of becoming reasonable. Not on my watch!”
—Senator John Q. Republican
Upon Entry Into U.S. Should Refugees Pass A Holy Waterboarding Test?
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Congress has advanced a bill encouraging people from war-ravaged parts of the Middle East to: “Stay the F put and make the best of it.” This bill also caps the number of refugees arriving from this region of the world to four. Those four lucky new Americans must agree to be blessed with Holy Water as part of the last phase of a new 37-step immigration process. Democrats are criticizing the bill as being “over the top” and “stupid, even for them.”
“Nonsense,” said Senator John Q. Republican. “This is not over the top, that is a Stallone movie. Look, not only can Holy Water expose and or burn potential Muslim terrorists, it might also keep vampires out of our country indefinitely. It’s win, win!”
Jindal Claims He Never Recovered From Trump’s Anchor Baby Comments
by Mick Zano •
Bobby Jindal is dropping out of the presidential race and is blaming republican frontrunner, Donald Trump. The Donald claimed the only real “dropping” originated with his parents. Trump believes Jindal’s very foreign parents abandoned him on the steps of the Louisiana Governor’s office at the tender age of 34. He was then taken in by then Governor, Kathleen Blanco, who he eventually replaced by locking her out of her own home when she went out to get the groceries in 2007.
Last of Gitmo Detainees Traded To Colorado Avalanche
by Mick Zano •
In a deal many republicans are calling “reckless” and “shortsighted”, The Department of Defense has traded the last of the Guantanamo detainees to the Colorado Avalanche. This move follows other controversial deals that have scattered the prisoners into several teams across the National Hockey League. One detainee is already in critical condition after being ‘Zamboni-boarded’ between periods by his own teammates.
The Real Carson Retired to Tahiti! Is GOP Candidate One Of The Conjoined Twins Carson Operated On?
by Mick Zano •
Many are wondering how the lead republican nominee, Ben Carson, could possibly be a top pediatric neurosurgeon. Many of his comments seem astonishingly obtuse, especially for an accomplished math-a-physician. Today, there is mounting evidence Carson is not the good doctor, but is actually the patient! The Discord has exclusive evidence the person masquerading as Ben Carson is one of the two German conjoined twins he successfully separated in 1987. Granted the children in question are exceedingly white, Germanic, and were toddlers at the time, but it still remains a more plausible story than a neurosurgeon creationist who thinks the Great Pyramids are grain silos.
Debate Shifts Toward Policy: Turns Out Republicans Don’t Have Any
by Mick Zano •
Vegas interrupted my debate viewing pleasure a tad, but I got the gist of it. Small government (flashing lights and sounds), lower taxes (cocktail waitress), gut regulations (yellling from the craps table). I can’t stand these debates anymore. Leave me alone, Mr. Winslow! I’m in Vegas researching an important Guinness feature. I like Guinness, much more than I like conservatives. The republican debates were fun for a while but now it’s time to focus on other things, you know…like these gentlemen escorting me out of the casino.
Apology XCV: Why Zano’s Botched Trump-Tweet Coverage Is Grounds For Dismissal
by Pierce Winslow •
Some have taken note of a pause in my periodic Apology column. I can assure you this so-called “pause” amounts only to a period of time wherein I could not bring myself to my job. It takes almost a superhuman editorial strength to acknowledge some of the rampant journalistic abuses all to common in this rag of a website. Zano is both the Head Comedy Writer as well as the Chief Editor, but his tendancy to post articles around last-call is becoming concering to say the least. His recent coverage of the first Democratic debate is the last straw. The incident is even worse than previously indicated as I will attempt to explain (operative word: attempt).
Moguls Unite Form Of Rubio
by Mick Zano •
If only republicans could harness Rubio’s palpableness, or, in this case, his Palaptineness. I like to start off by not making sense, but let me explain how our democracy works today. Sorry that I used the words democracy and works and today in the same sentence. Boy, I’m off to a worse start than the Mets. Republicans can’t identify their best and brightest, which is shocking when one considers how few exist. Celestially speaking, if republicans were a heavenly body they would be a black hole. They’re a large light-bending mass capable of sucking the air out of any room, and then the room, and then the planet the room is situated on. Theory of Irrelativity?