Screw Benghazi, this is the real scandal of our age. I haven’t written much about the Bernie Sanders’ phenomenon on this blog, but his imbibing a brew from one of my main hangouts demands a response. Historic Brewing, Bernie?! You’re on my turf now. There are reasons I would love to endorse the Bernster, but I also have some serious reservations. His questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival has only increased my concerns about his candidacy. Not the commandeering of the Downtown Dawg vendor truck—that was The Discord gang—the other questionable behavior at a recent Arizona beer festival.
News & Politics
News & Politics
A Look At The Republican Brain: Why The GOP Is So Adept At Being Inept
by Mick Zano •
Cognitive distortions are prominent on both sides of today’s political aisles, but one side is accelerating in this area like a tachyon particle in a meth lab. This is today’s scheissgiest, as I like to call it. From a psychiatric standpoint, Republicans represent the full diagnostic spectrum. I’d suggest they drop their elephant symbol for the rainbow were it not already taken. GOP Pride? Yeah, they shouldn’t have any of that. The last of their pride should have already trickled-down Reagan’s economy. Trump’s popularity exposes more of the sickness on the right, but dare we hope he represents the final gacking up of that more stubborn mucus…you know, like at the end of some bad cold? Hey, just be thankful I didn’t go with my first analogy.
North Korean Atomic Plume Linked To Un’s Introduction To Mexican Food
by Mick Zano •
Pyongyang, DPRK—The supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced today the successful detonation of an H-Bomb, the first such thermonuclear detonation in the country’s history. The U.S. Air Force immediately deployed a WC-135 Constant Phoenix aircraft as a radiation “sniffer” plane to test the properties of the radiation cloud created by the blast. The sniffer plane returned 90 minutes later holding its radar dome. Results of the analysis of the plume concluded it was comprised primarily of methane and Tapatio Salsa Picante, a popular Mexican hot sauce.
Obama Vows To Spend Last Days In Office Collecting Guns & Bibles
by Mick Zano •
Washington—President Obama announced today he is not going to have a typical lame duck last term. For his final year in office, the President plans to acquire as many guns and Holy Bibles for his “personal collection” as possible. Obama told reporters, “I want to do something good while I’m still in office because, let’s face it, nothing good has happened so far. Heh, heh. I’m calling it: Operation 2nd Testament.”
Senator John Q. Republican was quick to condemn the move. “This is a clear attack on religion as well as our 2nd Amendment rights. If that Muslim son-of-a-burka comes anywhere near my gun or my Bible, I am going all Old Testament on his black ass. ”
Dog Whistle Politics
by Dr. Kwela Juluka •
Dog-whistle politics is a term that describes statements made by political candidates and people in elected positions phrased in ways intended to galvanize support from like-mined voters. At the same time such political revenuers try to avoid repulsing voters who are on the fence. “Family values” might be an example of a dog-whistle. Lately a less subtle form of political speech has entered the arena. It reminds me of a historic National Lampoon magazine cover from the 1970s showing a frightened dog with a gun pointed to its head. Of course, that was satire, but today’s GOP’s message is often as overt and offensive. For other examples of dog-whistle politics see anything on The Daily Discord.
Heat Miser Presents Climate Change Counterargument To World Leaders
by Mick Zano •
Le Bourget, FR—World leaders reconvened in France today at the request of the Heat Miser. November’s meeting at the same venue was a multinational effort hailed as “the planet’s last, best hope to stave off the impact of climate change before the Force Awakens opens.” After a thorough Palinesque vetting process, The GOP chose The Heat Miser to present the republican counterargument. The controversial marionette demanded an immediate audience with the United Nations, so over 30,000 diplomats and delegates quickly assembled.
As part of his opening remarks, The Heat Miser insisted, “This has nothing to do with the ginormous check I recently received from the Koch Brothers.” During his 17-hour filibuster-style heated rant, The Miser presented a powerpoint presentation designed to repudiate global warming. The slides included an image of a person shivering after getting out of the shower, another person defrosting a very icy freezer, and Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) holding a fully intact snowball on the floor of Congress.
Kwik-E Mart Owner Notices Muslim Bias Up, Squishee Sales Down
by Mick Zano •
Springfield, ??—Kwik-E Mart owner, Apu Nahasapeemapetilo, has experienced an increase in Muslim bias in recent weeks. The business owner points directly to several sermons by one Reverend Timothy Lovejoy of The First Church of Springfield. The store owner claims the Reverend is intentionally inciting violence against Muslims through controversial Sunday scripture quotes, such as: ‘Blessed are the camel humping, towelheads’ and ‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And then for some reason he filled the shittier parts with sand, oil and Arabs’.
Virtual Gunmen Storm Online University
by Mick Zano •
Virtual Space—Earlier today at SyntheTech University four computers were hacked to death and ten comment-sections were interrupted. A virtual assailant systematically stormed from room-to-virtual room unleashing malware and hate-thread speech. This incident, that many are calling an act of anti-liberalism, caused Syntax and Registry errors from C# to C++. The barrage of politically incorrect language left hundreds of coddled liberal students, virtually T-mobile. The attacker also wielded a 3D-printed Adobe firearm that blew pixilated holes into several forums, syllabi, and homework portals. Incidentally, the homework portal-part of this event was the only aspect of this tragedy The Daily Discord received no complaints. Many are left questioning, are our online universities safe for our young people, or will instances of Post Traumatic Software Disorder increase?
Republicans were quick to comment, “The only answer for a bad guy with a 3D printed Adobe firearm is a good guy with a 3D-printed Adobe firearm.”
Herr Trump: The Democratic Anti-Candidate
by Pierce Winslow •
Philadelphia, PA—When I post stuff I usually just make fun of stupid people, like Zano. But here’s a unique opportunity to get all political and make fun of stupid people in one post. In case you‘ve been living on Mars, Donald Trump is leading the GOP polls by a near-record margin. The man is obviously pandering. I’m talking about Trump, not Zano…this time. He will say anything and everything just to appeal to “real Americans”. What kills me is that so many people actually believe him. Notice how he always speaks in generalities? “Oh, you don’t want to know what I would do to the terrorists.” Really? I think I do. That’s why I asked the question. Come on Don, what are ya gonna do? Are you going to shift to the middle?
Discord Drones Drop Liberal Propaganda Over Red States
by Mick Zano •
Alliance, NE—The Daily Discord is currently implementing an aerial outreach campaign, or Reality Intervention Initiative (RIT). Dozens of unmanned drones are being dispatched to remote areas of the country. The Discord hopes to bring ‘facts’ to regions of this country suffering from only Fox News and AM radio. Leaflets are being dropped from the sky that state: Rupert Murdoch Is The Antichrist, Socialism Can Be Fun!, Obamacare Saved My Life, and Benghazi Saved My Life. The Daily Discord plans to reach these people with real statistics and verifiable information in the hopes of gradually replacing truthiness with truth.