News & Politics

News & Politics

The Avenger? Iowa May Yet Bern, Baby, Bern

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berniecaptnamericaML

Bernie Sanders has a crowd in Iowa right now that looks like a Beatles concert with Led Zeppelin opening. On the eve of the Iowa Caucuses and this incredibly important election I can’t help but think, what the hell is a caucus? I could Wiki this shit, but the NHL All Star game is about to start. I really don’t understand Iowa either. I’ve driven through it a couple of times…you know, to get to more primary states (badum, bump). Right now, I have to admit I’m scared blogless. I never wanted Hillary to be the Democratic nominee, but Bernie may not have the necessary independent appeal to win a general election. If Bloomberg enters the race, we could be facing a Republican supermajority and then, promptly, a failed state. That’s fine if you’re into that kind of thing. Banana Republican? Many believe the mindset of our country is essentially, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” I think what best captures our current Scheissgeist is more like, “We’re all dumb as hell and…look, a squirrel!”

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Presidential Field So Chaotic Dr. Evil Considering Independent Run

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drevilprezMLSecret Moon Base—After much consideration, the notorious Dr. Evil is considering a run for the highest office in the land. He is mainly joining the race because he believes the current frontrunners are all “A-holes”. Price is apparently no object for the super villain as he told the press today he is prepared to spend “gazillions” of dollars on his presidential aspirations. Dr. Evil said, “I will fund my own campaign, because you don’t want to see an evil genius tied to a lobbyists. It’s not fricken’ pretty.” He then personally thanked the “little people” for passing Citizens United and added, “Who do I make the check out to?”

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Blizzard Update: Man In E3 Waiting Until Chick in E4 Finishes Watching All 49 Episodes of American Horror Story Before “Making Move”

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4-2a1Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.

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Placement Of New Del Taco Totally F’s Up Ancient Mayan Ruins

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mayanDelTacoMLPeru—Many in the country of Peru are furious with the construction of a Del Taco in the Middle of what many believe is an important Mayan archeological site. The CEO of Del Taco, Paul Murphy, was quick to respond, “Look, the Mayans already ruined the place, right? The operative words here are ‘ruins’ and ‘abandoned’, so placement of our facility at this location should only increase property value.”

The Mayans all but disappeared around 900 AD and lost any legal rights to the land in the 70s. There are many theories surrounding their disappearance, from Ancient Aliens to ancient value menus. As captain of team Search Truth Quest, I am not convinced they’re truly gone. Sure we haven’t seen any Mayans around in well over a thousand years, but the Aztecs were spotted as recently as Scooby Do and the Aztec Tomb.

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Bernie V Trump: Clash Of The Whitens

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BernieVTrumpML

This rather extreme scenario, Bernie V Trump, may actually playout on the political stage. Granted, it may not go down exactly like the picture, but probably something pretty close. Folks are so disgusted with the establishment, we’re all fringing out. I fear liberals are moving too far ahead of today’s cultural psyche. We are not ready for a Bernie Sanders. Republicans are also too advanced…uh, were this the era when our oceans were dominated by those shelled squid-like things. Its amazing to me what the republican party has become, but what’s more amazing is how so few of them have seemed to notice.

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Naked Woman Attacks Diners During Waffle House Rampage

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waffle houseMLThis is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger Murders Roommate With Conan Sword. Seeing headlines like these should inspire me, but they only compel me to attack random diners in some Waffle House with a Conan sword, preferably naked.

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The Top10 Questions Discord Staff Asked SIRI In 2015

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siri
SIRI has become an important part of The Daily Discord and Team Search Truth Quest. She even helped lead an EVP session during a cemetery ghost investigation, here. The stats are in and we have the Top 10 questions asked by Discord contributors in 2015. SIRI does have an active restraining order against Discord member, Tony Ballz, so none of his questions will be featured in this year’s list. We even have SIRI’s responses to these important questions (SIRIously…at least when they were funny):
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How Many Republicans Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? None, They Don’t Believe In Change

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admin-ajaxI’m furious with the mainstream media, but probably not for the same reasons you are. How dare they let republicans rewrite history? How do you let these blatant falsehoods go unchallenged on your “news” shows? Even our debate moderators seem asleep at the switch. During the last undercard round, Carly Fiorina implied Obama “fired all the good generals, like David Petraeus.” Everyone who follows politics knows why General Petraeus left the military. Everyone. I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with Lewinski.  

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Crying Baby In Fourth Row Derails State Of The Union Address

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Barack Obama

Washington—A child, who apparently wanted “walkies”, became a key distraction last night during President Obama’s 8th and final State of the Union Address. Initially the President tried to make light of the situation, but the growing disruption caused him to lose his train of thought several times and eventually his patience. The President initially tried to make several jokes, some which garnered laughs like, “That kid is more mouthy than my VP” to other more offensive comments, such as “This is why I’m pro-choice, people.”

Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina shouted, “You cry!” in what many are calling an encore performance for his “You lie!” moment during Obama’s 2009 SOTU address.

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