Washington—In the wake of the suspicious death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama is implementing Operation: Pillow Fight. The President’s plan is to order three more pillows to remove the last three conservative justices from the bench, with prejudice. President Obama said, “There is only three people standing in the way of a liberal legislative nirvana and I think we all know who they are. So repeal and replace this, bitches. ” He then told critics today he will not require approval from Congress and can proceed with this triple homicide on an Executive Order. If this mission is successful and four Supreme Court Justice vacancies become open in the near future, the President has not ruled out nominating all of the members of Nickelback.
News & Politics
News & Politics
Pope Demands to See Trump’s Baptismal Certificate
by Mick Zano •
The Vatican—The Pope is firing back at Donald Trump today. After his last attack on The Donald, the Pope’s global approval rating dropped 15 points, but he remains very critical of some of the current republican frontrunner’s policies. The Vatican encouraged His Holiness to come out swinging in the face of this controversy. Mr. Trump responded to the criticism that “he is not a true Christian” by saying, “Who is more Christian than me? The meek love me; they love me. Remember the trials of Joab? Yeah, if I were President he would have had a Joab and he wouldn’t have had to hang out inside a friggin’ fish all day. Teach a man to fish and I have some casino charter boats to show him.” In related news, the staffer who attempted to correct The Donald on his biblical prowess is currently Joab hunting.
Pope Condones Use Of Contraception To Combat Zika: “But Only For The Mosquito”
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Zika, a disease associated with encephalitis and microcephaly, continues to spread across the globe at an alarming rate. Its main mode of transmission remains mosquitoes, sexual intercourse, or sharing needles with sexually active mosquitoes (SAMs). Pope Francis rocked the Christian world today when he announced his support of using contraception, in certain instances, to combat Zika. Unfortunately, he then clarified his statement. The Pope is essentially only approving condom use for those mosquitoes who may be carrying the dreaded disease.
Dear GOP, I Think You’re Choking On Something
by Mick Zano •
A headline over on Drudge yesterday read “Christians Under Siege!” Yes, I took the bait and made the mistake of reading the whole article. The assaults on Christianity are always a variation of the same two: Christians are now forced to watch other people marry the person they love and/or not everyone says “Merry Christmas” as enthusiastically as our Founding Father’s envisioned. Some people even have the audacity to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” on December 25th .…you know, Saturnalia. The main point of this same article shifted to southern Christian conservatives burden to make sure they choose the right, God-fearing candidate. This is a tremendous burden, indeed, as they must decide whether their party should tack stupid, or tack reeeally stupid. I think if Hercules had to choose between these jokers, he’d be like, “Can I just wrestle the giant squid again, please?”
Wife of Indian Man Struck And Killed by Meteorite Suing Asteroid Belt For Wrongful Death
by Mick Zano •
Vellore, IN—Last week without warning or provocation a meteorite slammed into the Earth, killing one and injuring three. Rayja Sinhi told reporters today she plans to sue the entire asteroid belt for her husband’s death. “We must send a clear message to all radicalized space rocks,” said Mrs. Sinhi. “I won’t be satisfied until the asteroid belt is downgraded to the Great Cosmic Dust Patch!”
There is mounting fear in the U.S. that the incident may represent the first wave of similarly homicidal cosmic debris. Senator John Q. Republican told reporters today, “We should fear both the lone-wolf-style attack as well as instances when they organize into more formidable meteor showers. We need to fight them in the dark, cold void of space, so we won’t have to fight them here on Earth. When I’m President I will force Mexicans to build a giant wall around the stratosphere itself to protect American interests. If that Hindu fella’ was carrying a concealed weapon, this might have ended very differently. This is why I am proposing we expand existing Stand Your Impact-Crater laws in my state. I don’t want giant circles pocking up my square state. It reminds me of a Roger Daltrey quote, ‘Look again, rock is dead.'”
Utah’s Haunted Peery Hotel: The Ghost Of Mormons Past
by Mick Zano •
The Peery Hotel is a groovy old western hotel located near the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. What’s even better is how it’s a stone’s throw away from Squatters and Red Rock Brewery. I know, because after they threw me out I think I was able to hit both of them from my hotel window. This is my second trip to SLC and, whereas the city was better equipped to deal with me this time, I don’t think it was so much my improved behavior as their improved beer laws…which still suck. The ghost investigation was among the most intense team S.T.Q. has ever experienced, but mostly due to the aforementioned shitty beer laws (SBLs @ SLC?).
Cruz’s “Trapped In Box” Performance Wows New Hampshire Voters
by Mick Zano •
Nashua, NH—Just days before the New Hampshire Primaries, Senator Ted Cruz strayed from the usual stump speech and broke into a dazzling mime act. He thrilled scores of Republican primary voters with his performance of: “Invisible border wall, built by Mexicans.” He then swung into a rousing rendition of: “Man trapped under crushing federal deficits.” Cruz then took a break from the action, which consisted of drinking from a cup of imaginary water, before resuming with: “Man walking against wind of Islamic extremism” and “Shrinking government and then drowning it in bathtub.” Then for his grand finale he performed a masterful: “Man climbing out from under overwhelming government regulation.”
We The Discord, In Order To Form A More Perfect Onion
by Mick Zano •
I’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.
“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”
This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.
It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration
by Pokey McDooris •
You have nerve ridiculing the Republican primary process, Zano. You want to sound like you’re backing Bernie Sanders until he might actually win and then you start back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong in a sharknado. “But I danno if Sanders is electable in the general election.” Boo hoo. This is code for Closeted Hillary Supporter (CHS). Last year, I thought the election would come down to a stale contest between ‘Clinton v Bush.’ The Republicans have at least rejected a return to the past, yet Hillary Clinton remains the Dem darling. How is that progressive? Speaking of Progressive, my dream ticket is Flo and that guy from those Sonic commercials. Now they could really bring back America…with Freedom fries.
Could Eastwood’s Empty Chair Get The VP Nod?
by Mick Zano •
Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.