News & Politics

Creepy Evangelical Snake Oil Salesman GOP’s Last Hope Of Defeating Megalomaniacal Ass-Clown

by Mick Zano • March 11, 2016

Glenn Beck Headquarters—Deep in the heart of an undisclosed Denny’s, Glenn Beck and the rest of the League of Extra Ordinary Gentlemen assembled in a last ditch effort to save the Republican party. The Discord’s own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, was able to gain entrance to this clandestine group before the breakfast specials ended. Glenn Beck called for order by banging a ketchup bottle on the end of the table before addressing a small booth filled with Governor Rick Perry, the late Mathew Breitbart, and either ZZ-Top or three of the members of Duck Dynasty. Some had pitchforks others held lit torches. The waitress was pissed. This secret Ted-Cruz-admiration-society vowed to do everything in its power to keep the current GOP frontrunner from becoming the nominee. Shouts of “kill the monster!” abounded.

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by Tony Ballz • March 9, 2016

A few years ago, I published an exhaustive multi-part article on Lynyrd Skynyrd and their iconoclastic singer and lyricist, the late Ronnie Van Zant. The main thrust of the piece was that “Sweet Home Alabama” was not a racist song at all (the key is in the last verse, plus a line Ronnie throws away at the end), but an attempt by Southern hippies to reject the years of bigotry and hatred and murder weighing down their culture, while still maintaining a Southern sense of identity. This gave rise to the 1970s liberated redneck (see also: the Allman Brothers, Jimmy Carter). One section concerned an issue that has recently reemerged in the public consciousness: the Confederate Flag, which Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands of the time used as a stage backdrop.

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by Mick Zano • March 7, 2016

Flint, MI—At the Democratic debate last night Hillary Clinton clearly felt the Bern. Leading up to this debate, Bernie Sanders was under increased scrutiny to provide more details when answering questions. In a move no one saw coming, the longest serving Senator wowed the audience with scenes from Hamlet and other Shakespearean classics. When Hillary attacked Sanders for failing to support the auto-industry bailouts, he responded, “We don’t need cars. A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” The crowd loved it. When the issue turned to the water crisis in Flint, he responded with a W.C. Fields quote before finishing with Macbeth. “I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Out, damn’d spot! out, I say!” Even people in the audience suffering from lead poisoning themselves couldn’t help but give Bernie a standing ovation.

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by Mick Zano • March 5, 2016

Tunisa—A Nigerian man with the unfortunate name Zika Ebola is on a permanent layover in a Tunisian airport. Despite requesting full screenings and medical examinations, no one will come within ten feet of Mr. Ebola. Even Zika-sniffing dogs, usually employed in these situations, are just whimpering and trying to scramble up the baggage chutes. Mr. Ebola has yet to be cleared to leave the Tunis-Carthage International Airport snack bar. At this point, he is very concerned of ever reaching Disney Land or his uncle’s wind farm, before he is due back at the water treatment plant.

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by Mick Zano • March 2, 2016

This week David Corn over at Mother Jones wrote an article explaining the inexplicable rise of Donald Trump. I wrote a suspiciously similar article, prior to Trump’s emergence, last August. I find The Donald’s popularity with the republican base quite explicable. It’s not the similar image that irks me so much as the similar content. I saw this shit coming a vile away. I love you Dave, but you have two choices: hire me at Mother Jones, or expect a call from a Mr. Goldberg of Goldberg, Goldberg & Cohen. What’s really inexplicable is how spoof news folks continue to outshine our more traditional journalists. Mother Jones is welcome to join the Daily Discord. With your skills and my prognostication prowess, I’m sure Mother Discord will become a beacon of clarity in these dark times. Thus Spake Zanothustra?

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by Pierce Winslow • February 27, 2016

I am soooo fucking done with this shit. The only reason I, as CEO of The Discord, haven’t killed Zano outright is the associated jail time. This is another retraction installment of our internet saga, which, incidentally, takes most of my time these days. First and foremost, Zika is NOT spread by having sex with mosquitoes. I admit this one slipped right by me like a gaggle of Greaseweasels in a KY commercial. Secondly, the above image is of a Plymouth Superbird, not a Dodge Charger. I immediately told Zano to change the headline, but he apparently ignored me and kept having sex with that mosquito. Yes, most of our mistakes are not in the body of our posts, but in the headlines themselves. Fine, that’s all I will proofread anymore. You try reading Zano’s shit every flippin’ day! Oh, wait…you should. It’s really good, I swear.

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by Mick Zano • February 26, 2016

CrissangelGitmoML

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama was all smiles today as he and the First Lady watched magician Criss Angel’s performance at Guantanamo Bay. The 48-year-old illusionist wowed a large live audience with his most elaborate trick to date. At the start of his act a giant cloth surrounded the notorious detention facility, Guantanamo Bay, but when the cloth was dropped only an empty landscape remained. Critics are calling the move a gross violation of the Constitution. Presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, said, “Obama is dumb. He’s dumb. A. He could have had Cubans build the giant cloth around Guantanamo and 2. the trick should have made the prison grow larger. I want to round up every ISIS and Al-Qaeda member in the world and put them all into my larger camp, which I will rename Trump Torture. I might employ Mr. Angel to make the Red Cross disappear.”

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by Mick Zano • February 24, 2016

Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.

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by Mick Zano • February 23, 2016

Flagstaff, AZ—The Tuesday before Super Tuesday is about to get even supererer as The Daily Discord is throwing a HUGE endorsement Hillary’s way. Many of my fellow contributors are clearly Berning, so this was a tough choice. My rants over the last decade are imbued with a common theme. I feel strongly that a Republican supermajority would be worse than when Kidz Bop opened for that Jonas Brothers cover band. Never again! My ultimate decision to support Hillary is twofold: 1. Hillary is one the most qualified candidates in recent memory and 2. most of her popularity problems are based on either the actions of her husband, or what we in the industry call “bullshit.” When it comes to complaints there’s very little there, there. Her main problem is her likeability. She’s a walking personality-void in a pantsuit. She makes John Kerry seem like the Most Interesting Man in the World. “I don’t always endorse candidates for president, but when I do, they where pant suits.”

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by Mick Zano • February 22, 2016

Prior to the Iowa Caucuses, Glenn Beck threw his support behind Ted Cruz and he has been campaigning for him ever since. The Beckster is now willing to fast until his choice for the Republican nomination wins super Tuesday, which Beck dearly hopes comes with cheesy fries. “I will be ready for cheesy fries by then,” explained Mr. Beck, “or some other substance in the chili fry, or poutine family.” If Cruz doesn’t win, Glenn Beck feels the blame should fall squarely on Christians and their inability to choose between a snake oil salesman and a megalomaniacal ass-clown.

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