My friend Pokey has some concerns about our cultural identity, our withering values, and our founding documents. Just stop following me on Twitter, dude. Start there. Pokey’s so concerned about the Constitution that he’s considering voting for a fascist to defend it. He’s so concerned about our cultural identity that he’ll champion bigots and zealots. Cultural Identity Disorder? As usual we don’t agree on how we got here, our priorities, our next steps, austerity or stimulus ….pumps or stilettos. It’s like that time I waited for you at Moriarity’s Pub. We were only blocks away from Philadelphia’s Freedom Trail and you turned that night into a Trail of Tears. I should have went with pumps. *sob* …wait, was that Boston? Don’t get me started on what you did in Boston!
News & Politics
News & Politics
Angus Young Finally Graduates High School: He’s Being Asked To Return His School Uniform
by Mick Zano •
Sydney, AU—The lead guitarist for the popular Australian rock band AC/DC, Angus Young, is back in the news today. The rock legend is finally receiving his high school diploma from Ashfield Boys High School Academy in Sydney, Australia. Young has attended the school on and off since 1976 and has now met all of his high school equivalency credits. The snafu with this achievement came in the form of a letter from the headmaster, demanding Angus return his official high school uniform by the end of the school day.
Assimilation And Cultural Identity Or Quien Cojones Eres?
by Pokey McDooris •
I commend you on delivering an admirable response to my immigration article, Zano, but there’s still one unacknowledged point of contention that is at the heart of my argument. You’ve been dancing around this point since our very first debate, and I am determined to pin you down, you slippery sophist. The main point behind virtually every one of my Discord articles is the question: what is our nation’s cultural identity? And, no, I don’t believe it is relevant or appropriate to explain our cultural identity as it relates to the subject of midget porn.RNC Offers Trump An Alternative Role: Prime Minister Of Iraq
by Mick Zano •
The Grand Old Party has a different approach to harness the power of The Donald. During a recent phone conversation, RNC Chair, Reince Priebus, offered Trump a “more suitable position for his talents.” Mr. Priebus told the press today, “Iraq needs a strong man and the Republican party needs an electable one.” When asked how he convinced Mr. Trump to accept this new role, Priebus said, “I told him, think of all the global respect you’ll gain by forcing Mexicans to build a wall along the Syrian border. And then I said, hey, maybe casinos aren’t big in ISIS controlled territory because no one has tried them there yet.”
Immigration Reform? Let’s Deport Every Republican Politician
by Mick Zano •
I got it! Let’s keep the “illegals” and load Congress onto buses. How about that for comprehensive immigration reform? I can see it now, Louis Armstrong singing What A Wonderful World, a chirping cartoon bird landing on your shoulder, a bill some day passing Congress. Think about it, a line of buses heading south with all those do-nothing politicians. Eleven million deportations isn’t possible, nor ethical, but 247 politicians? Think of the money the tax payers could save! It’s kind of what will happen to The GOP in the near future anyway, so I just want to hasten the process. And don’t worry, Pokey, they can all be short ones.
From Crappiness to Happiness in Three Easy Steps
by Alex Bone •
Collapsing Shack, AZ—Most of us have our mental health ups and downs, or as I prefer to call them: 1. drinking or 2. working. Some people certainly have a leg up on the happiness scale. What advantages do they have that I’m missing, besides talent and a life? Between dumpster diving and jamming out to old punk tunes in the dirt, I have discovered what these other Americans have going for them and where I may be lacking. After almost thirty minutes of effort, I have outlined a method to improve one’s happiness. I don’t think it will help me, I am too far gone, but perhaps you, gentle reader, will gain something from all of my hard work …or at least come to appreciate how you’re not as bad off as the old Bone Man.
ISIS Claims Responsibility For Alternate Street Parking
by Mick Zano •
Syria—The leader of ISIS, who wished to remain locationless, is claiming responsibility for what many in urban areas are calling “a major pain in the ass.” Alternate Street Parking remains a huge inconvenience for urban drivers, who risk fines or towing if they mistakenly park their car on the wrong side of the street overnight. Whereas Jihadists groups are claiming responsibility for this urban-fine-accruing-tactic (UFAT), many radicals groups are falling short of supporting downtown two-hour parking mandates and other meter-maid activities. “We may be jihadists, but we’re not complete assholes,” said local radical, Jihadi Jackson.
You Claim I Keep Ignoring Your Points, Pokey, Which Assumes You Have Some
by Mick Zano •
I’m not ignoring you, Pokey, you’re thinking of women. Booyah! Actually, I just don’t want to address the same issues more than an OCD stutterer with amnesia. I admit our society is growing a bit tone deaf these days, which is why I spend so much time discussing the cognitive distortions at play. In part, this is why I was forced to endorse Hillary Clinton. Despite some poll shifts, I still feel she’s more electable than Bernie. The main reason, you ask? The right wing’s attacks on her have become background noise. They exist a few frequencies higher than the sentient human ear can register. Although, I do admit I like to shout “Benghazi!” out my back window just to hear the inevitable barking.
Meanwhile, the “Bernie is a socialist” attacks will resonate with independents. These attacks won’t have any relevance, outside of the 1940s, but it’s not about merit anymore, is it? I am going to answer ALL of the questions from your last post, Pokey, line by punch-line. More importantly, it will read like Blazing Saddles meets The Pythonian Grail, because first and foremost this is a comedy site! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.
“I can’t do this again, Pokey. The only real deficit is your understanding of history. How about a comprise on this one? Let’s shrink Rush Limbaugh to a size we can drown him in a bathtub?”
Voter Suppression 101: Arizona Anecdotal? My Ass
by Mick Zano •
Yes, The Discord guy didn’t get to vote in the AZ Primaries. Voting was a shit show in my state last week, even by normal Arizona “standards”. Here was the excuse:
When you changed your address, maybe you failed to fill out the voter demographic part properly.
Uh, I haven’t moved, unless you’re talking about moving from the sofa to the fridge, which is still bullshit because I have people for that. I registered as a Dem in 2008 to vote for Obama, so those claiming user-error are mistaken. They always pull this crap. This is the GOP’s Modus Operandi, who I refuse to denigrate in this post. For our Republican friends, “Modus Operandi” means “standard operating procedure.” Republicans are Constitutionalists in the same way that ISIS is a team of archeologists. Rapers of the Lost Ark? Raiders of the Lost AARP? No, seriously, this is a question… I’m trying to slam both ISIS and Republicans in the same joke. ISIS Shrugged? There you go, Zano. I knew you could do it. Let the suppression begin!
Liberal Calls For The Creation of Wild-Vote Preserves To Protect Last Conservatives
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—Despite their inherent voter suppression, gerrymandering, and white privilege, one liberal is defending the actions of conservatives. Sandra Smith of Burlington is insisting we protect the ideologically-impaired among us. “Although they still wield considerable power,” said Ms. Smith, “the long term prospects for the Grand Old Party is dim. As their habitat dwindles, they will likely become even more desperate. We can not allow them to radicalize. They are already relegated to our shittiest states and our shittiest cities, where they will likely continue to frack things up.” Ms. Smith fears citizens only capable of regurgitating Fox News talking points will grow increasingly isolated and disenfranchised. Despite their confusion and questionable tactics, Smith believes the reality-impaired among us should not be discriminated against for their bigotry, religiosity, or anti-intellectual orientation.